Just an Illusion, Side A: Side A

by D. Kelly

Next time …

  The first thing I do is pour myself some coffee.

  “Do you remember last night, or should I refresh your memory?”

  “I’m good. I’m pretty sure I remember everything. Ugh … Including Sawyer and his groupie.”

  “You saw Sawyer?” Nodding, I fill him in on my brief but disgusting encounter with his manwhore brother.

  “Well, that’s Sawyer.” His demeanor is off; something is bothering him.

  “You said you wanted to talk today. Now is probably the best time since we have to be back on the bus in a few hours.”

  “Let’s eat first, and then I’ll tell you everything.”

  We mostly eat in silence. Ever since I mentioned Sawyer, his attention is fleeting. The food is good, but I’m dreading the conversation. After I can’t eat another bite, I lean back in my chair and continue to nurse my coffee.

  “Sawyer and I tend to be attracted to the same type of women, and about seven years ago, we were almost torn apart by one.”

  I guess it’s time to talk.

  “I’m sorry. It must have been difficult for the two of you.”

  “It was difficult for everyone. We thought we were going to have to give up the band at one point.”

  “So what happened to drive the two of you so far apart? You seem pretty close to me.”

  “We are now, probably closer than we ever were before Marilyn. See, back then, we probably deserved a lot of the things that were said about us. We were twenty-one, flying on the wings of fame, and at times, alcohol and an illicit substance or two.”

  I nod for him to continue, and he pauses. “This is for you … Mel, my friend. Not for Amelia, the author.”

  “Noah, I’d never put anything in the book without your permission. Besides, I thought we clarified yesterday our talks are between us.”

  “Yeah, I know, but this was … no, it is something extremely personal to us all.”

  After this, I might feel obligated enough to tell him my story.

  “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I promise.”

  When he pulls me from the chair and leads me to the bed and spoons me, I realize how hard of a story this is for him to tell.

  “Marilyn used to be a bartender at Just an Illusion. She was a good friend, and she always had our backs when we used to play there. When we got our record deal, we ended up staying in touch. She and I would text often, and one summer we decided we wanted more, so I brought her on tour with us.”

  I already know this is going to end badly; the sadness in his voice is unmistakable.

  “Back then, all of us were on one bus and we reserved the back room for hookups. I knew by the time Marilyn started touring with us I was in love with her. Once we started spending every day together, I fell deeper and deeper in love. I thought she was in love with me, too.”

  I pull his hand off of my waist and lace my fingers through his. He sounds like he needs all the support he can get.

  “Anyway, what I didn’t know was she and Sawyer had history. They’d hooked up a few times, and he had legitimate feelings for her. Every one of us were friends with her, even Anna. So if someone offhandedly mentioned talking to her or having texted her, nobody thought anything of it.

  “Sawyer had changed when she came on the bus. I thought he was just irritated at being even more cramped, or maybe it was because he was using more drugs.” He squeezes my hand a bit harder. “One night, we’d all been out partying, and Marilyn and I had a huge fight. I was drunk, but she’d been doing coke with Sawyer and Darren. I’m not even sure what we were fighting about now, that’s how fucked up we were. I ended up sleeping on a different bus with one of the other bands. In the morning, when I got back on our bus, I could feel the tension. Darren and Wyatt wouldn’t even look at me. Then, when I walked back to my bunk, I heard the two of them going at it in the bedroom.”

  “That’s awful, Noah.”

  “It was. I was so furious I kicked the door in. When I saw them with my own eyes, it was as if I’d been sucker punched. My own brother, my fucking twin, was going at it with my girlfriend. I made the bus stop, and I got out and walked for miles. We were in New Mexico at the time, but we all shared a condo back in Santa Monica. I took a cab to the airport and flew home. By the time the guys found me the next day, I’d lost it. I’d been drinking non-stop and cried more tears than I’ll ever admit.”

  “Because of Sawyer,” I state matter of factly.

  “Exactly. As much as I loved Marilyn, she could never cause the kind of pain Sawyer did. It wasn’t until Darren and Wyatt sobered me up a bit that I started asking questions. Marilyn lied and told Sawyer I broke up with her. She was so high, maybe she thought I did. Who knows? She and Sawyer were so coked up they fell into old patterns. Patterns I never knew existed because neither of them ever told me. I felt betrayed, and my heart was broken. It took a week before I could even talk to Sawyer.” His words are heavily weighted with the residual pain and anger he must still feel when he thinks about it.

  “Why didn’t Sawyer tell you he had feelings for her? That they had a past? I thought you two were close.”

  “Sawyer has a hard time expressing his feelings to anyone, including me. Admittedly, he’s gotten much better at communicating with me since all of this happened. When the two of us finally talked, he explained how resentful he’d been when Marilyn and I started dating. He’d been angry with both of us, and it’s why his drug use became more frequent. I never knew he’d had feelings for her. If I had, I would have never pursued her. Unfortunately, Sawyer assumed I had figured it out and put my feelings for her above us. That’s how everything turned into such a clusterfuck.”

  Finally, I flip over so I can see him when he talks to me. “Didn’t he know you’d never do that to him?”

  “I thought so, but the drugs clouded his judgement. After that, we both got clean and our relationship has only gotten stronger. We’ve always been close, connecting at a deeper level than just brotherly love or best friends. I’m guessing it’s because we’re twins because he’s the only person I have that kind of bond with. Eventually, we both realized how that bitch played us against each other and swore we’d never let another girl get between us.”

  “So we’ll be just friends then?” Damn, those words are painful to say.

  “Well, that’s what I had to find out yesterday. If Sawyer had feelings for you, there’s no way I could get involved with you.”

  “What happened when you found him?”

  “After he kicked the groupie out of his room, we talked. I could tell I caught him off guard when I asked him if he kissed you. He said he did and it was hot, but it was only something to do in the moment. I didn’t believe him. There’s something about the way he said how hot it was that made me think it meant more to him.”

  It was off-the-charts hot.

  “It didn’t mean more to me, but I don’t want to come between the two of you. It’s better to nip it in the bud now before it goes any further. I’m sorry, Noah, but I’m so glad I told you when I did.”

  “Hey now, don’t write me off just yet. Sawyer and I talked for a long time, and what finally convinced me it didn’t mean anything to him was the fact he didn’t tell me. Sawyer isn’t a bragger and he hooks up with girls all the time. We never know about it unless we see them together. If it would have meant something, he would have told me.”

  “So what does that mean?”

  His finger traces my lip slowly before he moves in closer. “It means I like you, Amelia, and with Sawyer’s blessing, I’m going to enjoy getting to know you.”

  My stomach flutters as his lips meet mine. I’ve got a feeling Noah Weston is about to spin my whole world on its axis.

  Breaking Routines

  Yesterday, when we got back on the bus, Sawyer went straight to his room and didn’t come out for hours. I think his extra-curricular activities the past few days wore him out. Noah and I hung out and watc
hed a movie, but I spent most of the day working after that.

  This morning, I woke up a bit later than normal and decided to shower before relaxing with a cup of coffee. Noah’s door was still closed when I put my clothes away, but Sawyer is up and writing furiously in a notebook. He must be feeling inspired this morning.

  “Good morning,” I tell him as I pick my coffee and grab a mug.

  He nods his head as a greeting but doesn’t say a word. I know what it’s like to be inspired like that, so I keep quiet and think about my upcoming day with Wyatt.

  Normally, Noah and I work out after their practices, but that’s my scheduled meeting time with the guys now, so maybe I’ll start going in the morning instead and shower on that bus.

  About an hour later, Sawyer is still writing. Noah said a brief good morning to us and hopped in the shower. As I’m looking for my headphones on my bed, Noah comes out of the shower. Still wrapped in his towel, he pulls me into his bedroom and closes the door.

  “How long has Sawyer been writing?” His demanding tone catches me off guard. I was excited about him being half-naked.

  “He was writing when I got up … so at least two hours that I know of. Why?”

  Frustration fills his features but he shakes it off. “No reason, really. Sometimes when he gets intense like that it means he’s upset about something. Most likely he’s just journaling.”

  “Sawyer journals?”

  “Yeah, all the time. His therapist taught him how to journal as a coping mechanism. All part of what he went through when we were kids.”

  “Oh … Well, if it helps.”

  “Hey,” he says, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me close. “I’m sorry I can’t tell you more, but this one is his story to tell, not mine.”

  “It’s fine, Noah, really. I don’t expect you guys to tell me all of your secrets.”

  “Oh yeah?” he says, leaning in so close his lips are just a breath away from mine. “What if I want you to know all my secrets, Mel? What if I said I want you to know every single thing there is to know about me?”

  I raise my arms above his head and wrap them behind his neck, closing the miniscule gap between us. When I bring my lips to his, he pulls me tighter to him, close enough to feel him harden under his towel.

  I want him so much.

  As his tongue meets mine, I let my hand slide down his arm and then between us. His dick is hard, and my body aches for his touch. With a deep inhale, he pulls away slightly, dropping his head against mine.

  “Amelia, what are you doing?”

  “I’m getting intimately acquainted with one of your biggest secrets.”

  “Well, I did say I wanted you to know me.” His breathing increases when I wrap my hand around him and begin stroking his cock.

  “You did.” I’m excited to know this part of him.

  With more willpower than I’ve ever seen, he gently pushes my hand away.

  “I’d say this qualifies as third base, wouldn’t you?”

  “Mmhm.”

  Fuck third base. I want a home run.

  Noah tips my head up and locks his gaze onto mine. “Our first time isn’t going to be on this bus. I want more than this for our first time. How about we go to the gym and work off our frustrations instead?”

  My eyes peruse his body again. It would be so easy to flick his towel open and see him in all of his glory.

  “Don’t even think about it,” he says, backing away and reaching into his drawer for a pair of boxers, which he puts on like a kid in gym class under his towel.

  “You’re taking all the fun out of this.” I’m pouting, but I don’t care. I like Noah, and I haven’t had sex with a man in a really long time.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. I’m bringing the fun into this. Think about the anticipation, about how badly you want this, about how many orgasms I’m going to give you when we finally do have sex.”

  “Not if B.O.B. has anything to say about it,” I reply with an exaggerated sigh. His eyes twinkle in understanding as he inches closer to me until I’m leaning against the bed.

  “Sit,” he commands, and when I do, he straddles me, pushes me down flat on the mattress, and holds my hands above my head.

  “Do you have a vibrator on this bus, Mel?”

  “Maybe you should read my book and tell me what you think,” I counter while enjoying this fully submissive position he has me in.

  “I’ve read your book, but I’m still not sure I think you’re bold enough to pack a vibrator on a bus full of rock stars.”

  “You’ve read my book?

  That’s such a turn on.

  “Oh yeah. I started it the day after I met you, and I read it in one sitting. It was good, it was real, and it was sexy as fuck.”

  “You’re sexy as fuck,” I whisper breathlessly as he continues to hold me down. A few minutes of silence pass as he keeps me locked underneath him.

  Finally, with a raised brow, he speaks, “You do have a vibrator on the bus. Damn, that’s hot.”

  “I’m not sure about hot, but it’s totally necessary. No straight woman could be on tour with four seriously attractive men and not have one. Especially since you really should be off limits. I do have a job to do after all.”

  He leans down and gives me a quick kiss, and then releases me so he can finish getting dressed.

  “And you’ll do it amazingly, I have no doubt. As for your friend B.O.B., I suppose he can stay on the bus for now, but I’d prefer, sometime in the very near future, all your orgasms come from me.”

  Me, too.

  “Well, maybe B.O.B. can join us on occasion.”

  “Don’t tease me with a good time unless you mean it, woman,” he says, groaning as he finishes tying his shoes. “Go put your shoes on if you want to come with me. The bus is going to stop in a few minutes.”

  “How do you know?”

  “This is when Wyatt and Darren work out.”

  “Okay, I’ll go change really quick. I can’t exercise in jeans.”

  Fifteen minutes later, we’re all on the training bus. I’ve never been on here with all of them before. This should be interesting. Normally, I listen to music on my iPhone when I exercise, but since I’ve been working out with Noah, he puts his phone on the Bluetooth system.

  He keeps the mix pretty good, so I don’t really mind. Today, Sawyer is controlling the music, and from what he’s played so far, he must have some serious aggression to work out. Even the guys notice, but they simply exchange glances and shrug it off. Apparently, no one wants to mess with Sawyer when he’s in a bad mood.

  One good part about everyone being here at the same time is being able to observe them. Typically, I work up to a run pretty quickly on the treadmill, but today I’m enjoying a nice brisk walk while listening to them talk.

  “Darren, did you invite her to the party yet?” Wyatt asks as he spots him on the weight bench.

  “She’s going to be there already, dipshit. She’s the one writing the articles. Why would I need to invite her?”

  “Uh, maybe so she’ll realize you’re into her?”

  “This isn’t high school, Wyatt. I’m sure from the way she screams my name she knows I’m into her.”

  “Mel, what do you think? Should he tell Belle he’s into her?”

  Oh hell, why am I getting dragged into this?

  “Yeah, Princess, why don’t you tell him the proper way to show a girl you’re into her?” Sawyer is extra snarky today, and I’m starting to take it personally. He’s probably pissed at me for telling Noah about our kiss.

  “Sorry, guys, I’m not a relationship guru.”

  “No, but you are a Belle guru. If anyone knows her, you do,” Noah kindly points out.

  “Alright, you want my opinion? Here it is … Belle likes to have fun, so if you’re having fun, keep it the way it is. If you want more and you seriously want to attempt a relationship, then show her. Ask her to the
party as your date. Let her know you want her there with you and not just so she can write an article.”

  “Then what?” This time, it’s Darren actually asking.

  “Then let her know how you feel. She’s not a mind reader, and you’re a famous rock star. She’s going to assume this is fun until you tell her otherwise. She’s not a deluded fan who’s going to jump to conclusions and assume you want to date just because she’s banged your bongo a few times.”

  “For someone who wrote a book about sex, you sure do have issues with saying fuck,” Sawyer growls.

  “Fuck you, Sawyer.” The words fly out of my mouth without a second thought. At least he grins this time, but it’s more menacing than pleasant.

  “Already missed your chance at that, didn’t you, Princess?”

  “Dude, Sawyer, what the hell?” Now Noah is pissed and in Sawyer’s face, and that is the last thing I want.

  “Relax, Noah, I’m just kidding. Sorry, Princess, I didn’t mean anything by it.” He almost looks sincere. Noah’s eyes dart back and forth between Sawyer and me.

  “It’s fine, Sawyer. I know you’re just being you,” I concede.

  “See,” he says turning back to Noah. “You need to lighten up, Noah. She might be a princess but she doesn’t need anyone to save her.”

  Without giving Noah a chance to reply, Sawyer stalks off into the bathroom. A minute later, the shower turns on.

  “He’s in an exceptionally bad mood today,” Wyatt comments, shaking his head.

  “Yeah, totally, and I saw him with at least three different chicks at the hotel. Getting laid usually calms him down for a few weeks. What gives?” Darren saw him with three different girls? I’m not really surprised, but damn.

  This is a conversation I’m not getting into. It’s up to Noah if he wants to say anything. When he looks at me, I shrug in response.

  “Look, guys, Mel and I are sort of seeing each other,” he confesses. They exchange knowing looks and laugh.

  “We kind of thought so, but what’s that have to do with Sawyer?” Wyatt asks, confused.

  “Sawyer kissed Mel the night we all met.”

  “What the hell?” Darren bites out, obviously pissed. At least I know Belle didn’t say anything, not that I ever thought she would.