Just an Illusion, Side A: Side A

by D. Kelly

  “It’s okay. You can’t control your brother.”

  “It’s not okay, but I’ll deal with it in the morning. Goodnight, Mel.”

  “Goodnight.”

  I hate that he’s so short with me, but when he pulls me in as close as possible and hugs me, I know it’s not me he’s angry with. His heart thumps rapidly against my back but slows after a few minutes. Only then, when I know he’s alright, do I allow my eyes to droop shut.

  I’ve got to pee, and I’m so thirsty. Noah is sprawled out on his back, so I can slip out of bed pretty easily. After using the bathroom, I stumble into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. It’s only four a.m., no wonder I’m so tired. We’ve only been back here for about three hours.

  Blondie’s bra isn’t hanging off the Keurig anymore, but I’m opening the new one tomorrow and throwing this one out. Sawyer can buy another one.

  “No, no, no, no, NO!”

  The yelling is coming from Sawyer’s room, and before I reach his door, he screams bloody murder. I flip on his light, but he doesn’t wake up. Obviously in the middle of a horrendous nightmare, he’s thrashing across the bed.

  “Sawyer, wake up.” I’m shaking him, but he isn’t waking.

  “Don’t close your eyes, Jordan. Stay awake!”

  It feels like someone is squeezing my heart. He’s dreaming about his cousin, about finding him in the house. About finding all of them.

  “Sawyer, come on. Wake up, WAKE UP!” I’m yelling and shaking him, and he finally opens his eyes. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, his eyes filled with fear. I’ve never seen anyone so vulnerable before.

  “Princess?”

  “It’s okay, Sawyer. You’re okay,” I whisper as I lower myself next to him on the bed. He pulls me into his embrace and hugs me so tightly it’s hard to breathe. His whole body is clammy and sweaty.

  “Oh God, Princess, they were … It was …”

  “Shh, it’s okay, Sawyer. I know. You’re here and you’re safe. Jordan is safe. It’s okay. Everything is okay now.” He sobs into my chest and begins to cry. Whatever drugs Sawyer did tonight have him completely fucked up.

  He lies down and pulls me with him. I’m not comfortable with him like this, but I don’t want to leave him, either.

  “I’m so sorry for tonight. Thank you for being here.” He continues to sob as I run my fingers through his hair.

  “It’s okay, Sawyer. Shh, it’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry about the girl. It won’t happen again, I promise. Don’t leave, Princess, please. We need you.” I pull back slightly and brush his hair from his eyes. My breath catches because they’re so much like Noah’s.

  “It’s going to take more than a skanky girl to get me to leave. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. This job is important to me … you’re all important to me. I …”

  “What, Princess? You what?”

  “I feel like I’m home with you guys. I’m attached, and I didn’t intend for it to happen, but I’m so glad it did. You don’t have to feel the same or anything, but …”

  Sawyer chuckles, and a small smile appears on his lips. “It’s okay. We’re pretty attached to you, too. We don’t find new friends, real friends, often. It’s nice when it happens.”

  I move back a little, but Sawyer clutches me harder, trying to keep me in place. “Please stay. I just need someone here for a little longer until I can come down.”

  “So you did do drugs tonight?”

  “Yeah, but I swear I didn’t know. She offered me a mint before she kissed me in the car on the way back here. I didn’t think anything of it, but I fucking know better. It was Ecstasy, she admitted it when we got here. I was pissed, but I was so fucking turned on I just couldn’t care.”

  “Are you going to be okay? Do you need a meeting?”

  “No,” he answers, shaking his head softly, brushing my hair off my face. “Coke and meth were my drugs of choice. I’ve been able to control everything else. I’ve only done E once, and it was almost as bad as it was tonight. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

  “Okay … Speaking of tonight … I know it’s your bus and all, but your skank’s boob-sweat-filled bra was all over the Keurig. Can we open the new one tomorrow?”

  His eyes immediately begin to twinkle. “I think Rhymin’ Rieanne could make a song from a mixture of those words, but sure, I’ll replace it and order a new backup, no problem. It’s the least I can do.”

  “Thanks.”

  A silence falls between us, and I feel like I’m teetering on a precipice. Sawyer is running his fingers up and down my arm, and he hasn’t taken his eyes off of me. Nor have I taken mine off him. I’m worried about him, but I’ve got no clue what he’s thinking about me.

  “Sawyer?”

  “Yes, Princess?”

  “Does this happen often? The dreams, I mean.”

  “I’d like to say no, but I can’t. It happens less than when I was younger. Usually, drugs bring them on. But sometimes it happens when I’m really stressed, or when the anniversary comes up. Even around big family gatherings.”

  “And Noah usually helps you?”

  “He used to when they got bad enough to wake him. Most of the time he sleeps through them, especially with the soundproofing. I didn’t want him to continuously keep getting dragged into my nightmares.”

  “I thought it was to block out the sex?”

  He laughs so hard the bed shakes.

  “Do I look like the kind of guy who wants to block out sex noises? I mean, if she gets ridiculously loud, I could cover her mouth or something. And Noah doesn’t bring back girls often enough to make a difference.”

  “So you were protecting him?”

  “No, I’m not that noble. I was protecting myself. It’s my drama and I need to deal with it alone.”

  “Sawyer! I’m sure Noah would want to help you, and what about Jordan?”

  “J deals with his demons by fucking. Must be a family trait. And Noah … He’s helped long enough. It’s easier for me to keep this to myself.”

  “So what about me?” I whisper softly, feeling guilty for even asking the question.

  “You were in the right place at the wrong time, but I’m glad you were. You helped me tonight, and I’m thankful for that. You should go back to Noah. You guys are good together. If you ever fuck someday, you might even make me some cute nieces and nephews.”

  He releases me. For a quick minute, I’m disappointed. But in the next breath, I’m relieved because Noah’s bed is the only place I want to be.

  “I’m years away from kids, thank you very much. But hopefully, sometime soon, your brother will hit a grand slam and finally cross home plate.”

  As I stand, Sawyer reaches out and grabs my hand. “Hey, Princess, if Noah is waiting, it means he really likes you. Don’t take that for granted.”

  “I won’t. I could never. He’s practically perfect.”

  “Practically?” he asks with a raised brow.

  “Well, you know … he doesn’t buy Pop-Tarts. That’s a big brownie point loss.”

  His answering grin sets my heart on fire.

  “Don’t worry, Princess, you’re the one person I don’t mind sharing with.”

  “Goodnight, Sawyer,” I say as he releases my hand.

  “Night. Thanks again for tonight.”

  With a nod, I head back to Noah’s bed, wondering how in the world this became my life and thanking my lucky stars that it is.

  The next day is rough. Sawyer and I shared a pack of Pop-Tarts and our morning coffee in silence. True to his word, he threw out the Keurig and opened the new one for me. He even let me brew the first cup of coffee in it. Our time together last night still lingers in my thoughts and I wonder what I should tell Noah. Well, maybe not what … but when.

  A little later on, everyone comes over to our bus. Tensions are high between brothers and bandmates. The guys end up spending most of the day behind closed doo
rs in a meeting with Warren. I can only imagine how they’re all laying into Sawyer right about now.

  Thankfully, with Belle and Anna here, I’m pretty distracted with our girl time. We do our best to avoid talking about the elephant in the room, and the remainder of the day flies by in their company. We part ways when it’s time for me to work the venue.

  Tonight, I’m not in a people kind of mood, so I decide to focus on photography. During their set, I browse through the photos I’ve taken so far. They’re raw and emotional, and I know just by looking at the thumbnail view, I’ll never share them. They’re hands down some of the best photos I’ve ever taken. Maybe it’s because I have a soft spot for a vulnerable man or maybe it’s because I’m feeling melancholy tonight.

  After the show, the girls and I say our goodbyes with promises to spend time together over the holidays in a few weeks. They head back to their bus with Darren and Wyatt to enjoy their last few hours together before leaving for the airport. Heading back to my bus, I curl up into my bunk and work for a few hours. I’m not sure where Sawyer and Noah have been, but they just got back to the bus and they look exhausted.

  Wordlessly, Noah reaches out his hand to me on the way to his room. Taking it, I follow him. I’ve been in my pajamas for hours already and even though I know nothing will happen between us, I feel a small twinge of disappointment when Noah strips down to his boxers and throws his own pajama pants on.

  He lies down and pulls me to him before flipping off the light. Noah wraps his arm around my waist, my back to his front, and softly plays with my hair.

  “Mel?”

  “Hmm?” I answer softly, enjoying the feeling.

  “Why don’t you ever come in here before I have to come and get you?”

  “Because it’s your room, silly.”

  He releases a sigh and pulls me tighter. “Do I not make you feel comfortable enough here?”

  “What? Noah, no …” I answer and flip over in his arms. “What’s going on?”

  His finger traces along the bottom of my lip. “I’m not sure. It’s been a long day and I don’t want to fight.”

  Fight?

  “Noah, you should know I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to let things fester if I can help it. Why would we fight?”

  “I don’t do this, Mel. I don’t hook up with random girls. You’re the first woman in a long time I’ve been interested in. I get you’re going to need your space sometimes, but why would you come to bed with me only to sneak out in the middle of the night? Why not just say you’d rather be alone?” His exasperated tone lingers between us.

  “Is that what you think? That I ran out on you?” I pull myself to a sitting position and sit Indian-style up against the wall. “Jesus, Noah, Sawyer was right … you could sleep through anything.” I try to stifle my laugh, but it’s no use. He sits up and turns on the light, practically blinding us both, before crossing his arms defensively.

  “Why is this funny to you?”

  “Because the only place I wanted to be last night was in your arms. I thought that was plainly obvious. I woke up to use the restroom and get some water. You were knocked out. On my way back to bed, Sawyer started screaming.” I shudder just thinking about how awful it was.

  “He had a nightmare?”

  “Yes, a really bad one. I woke him up and pulled him out of it. He needed comforting, so I stayed with him. He refused to let me wake you, said you’d done your share of taking care of him.”

  “He’s such a stubborn ass,” he answers with a frustrated sigh.

  “I think it runs in the family.”

  He turns his green eyes to mine and smiles. “Oh yeah? Why is that?”

  “Just a feeling I have,” I reply with a sigh. “Look, Noah, I don’t do this, either. Letting you in as far as I have has pushed past every single comfort zone I have. I know better than to date musicians.”

  “Mel …” he cautions.

  I hold up my hand so he’ll let me finish. “But you’re not like any other man I’ve ever met. I like you, a lot. However, this is still new, and we agreed to take things slow. Which is why I don’t push myself into your personal space.”

  “What if I like you in my personal space?” he asks, lying back down and pulling me on top of him, his hardness underneath me impossible to miss.

  “Then do what you did tonight and ask me to come be with you. I don’t push myself on people, Noah. You’re going to have to let me know when you want me in your space, or when you want to be in mine.” I emphasize the last few words by grinding my pelvis against his.

  “Do you always have to make everything hard?” His double entendre isn’t lost on either of us. He pulls my lips to his and kisses me softly. I’ve never been kissed before the way Noah Weston kisses me. His kisses are sensual, loving, and filled with comfort. It’s almost as if with every stroke of his tongue he’s claiming a piece of my soul.

  “Think of it this way,” I reply once he has me tucked into the crook of his arm, “I’ll never be the crazy fangirl lying in wait in your hotel room.”

  “Maybe not, but could you be the sexy girlfriend waiting in lingerie to reward her star-studded boyfriend after a show?”

  “I think I could probably arrange something like that.” I begin to drift off in his arms, still exhausted from last night with Sawyer. I’m pretty sure Noah thinks I’m asleep because his next words are whispered so quietly I barely hear them.

  “I don’t ever want to sleep without you again.”

  I’ve never had to try so hard to pretend to be asleep before. Every part of my being wants to freeze up. Those words are frightening to me, and although I like Noah and really want to make a go of this, I’m not ready for a forever kind of commitment.

  Belle’s Post-Utah update

  Slammers!

  It’s your girl Belle, and do I have news for you! Over the weekend, I got to see another BAD show, and let me tell you, it keeps getting better and better. I wish I could give you all the gift of witnessing BAD in person, but even I can’t pull those kinds of strings.

  So here’s what I can do. I’ve got a set of passes—one for you and one for your lucky guest—to join us at BAD’s super-secret holiday show. This is where the free concert will be filmed, and it’s going to be a blast.

  How do you enter?

  At the bottom of this post, there is an entry link. You need to fill out all of the questions. Don’t skip any or it will void your entry. One winner will be drawn at random. You do have to be twenty-one to enter per the rules of the venue hosting this event.

  Now, to hold you over until the next update, my girl Mel and Wyatt Smith have put together an album of photos from Wyatt’s wedding to his longtime girlfriend Anna. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, if you missed my announcement a few weeks ago, (or if you were in denial) I’m reconfirming it now. Wyatt is off the market. Don’t shed too many tears. True blue BAD fans know Wyatt and Anna have been together since before BAD existed. This is a bona fide match made in heaven, a real life happily ever after.

  Congratulations once again, Anna and Wyatt!

  Don’t forget, live today like there’s no tomorrow!

  Xs and Os,

  Belle

  Repercussions

  It’s been a week since Sawyer brought the girl back to our bus. Things have been tense. Noah is still pissed at him, even though I really believe he didn’t take the drugs on purpose. Most mornings, Sawyer doesn’t even come out to get coffee and when we work out, he’s seriously working out his aggressions. I’m wondering if he’s pissed at himself or struggling because he wants to use again.

  Now, he’s fifteen minutes late for our getting-to-know-you session. That’s what I’ve started calling them. Noah is on the other bus with the guys, and it feels strange to be out here by myself. When I’ve finally decided I’ve waited long enough, Sawyer comes strolling out of his room.

  “Sorry, Princess, that took longer than I thou
ght,” he tells me as he grabs a bottle of water and sits in the recliner.

  “No problem. Were you stuck on a call?”

  “No, I was watching porn and jerking off.”

  My eyes immediately drop to his hands and quickly dart back to his face. His smirk is ridiculous, but he’s obviously telling the truth.

  “Good for you. Feel better?” I snap, not exactly sure why I’m so pissed off, other than ever since that night he’s been more and more inappropriate with his comments to me.

  With a shrug, he answers, “It helped to blow off some steam, but what I really need is a willing fuck. How about you, Princess? Want to help me out?”

  “What the hell, Sawyer? What’s wrong with you?!” I can’t believe he just said that to me.

  “Oh, come on, why are you acting all high and mighty? It’s not as if you haven’t ridden the musician train before. And it’s not like my brother is giving you any. Let’s work out our frustrations together. I promise you’ll feel better.”

  He moves from the recliner to the couch, and his hand creeps up my thigh. I shove it off of me and jump up.

  “Are you on drugs again?” I demand, but his eyes look fine—pupils are normal, they’re not glassed over or anything.

  “No, I’m just an asshole who wants what he can’t have.”

  My heart races and my voice drops lower than anticipated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He stands and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to him. “What do you think it means, Princess? It means I want to fuck you.”

  Without thinking twice, I slap him across the face—hard—and pull away from him. He cups his face with a stunned expression, one that would make my heart ache if I weren’t so pissed.

  Shit, that hurt.

  I’m shaking my hand out and slowly back away from him. At least he has the decency to look remorseful, if that’s what you’d call it.

  “You love him,” he whispers softly, and my heart beats faster.

  “What? No.”

  “I was testing you, trying to gauge your feelings for him. I had to know if you could be swayed back to your old ways.”