It was just…Kitty was just…
He couldn’t blame his hesitation on her. He hadn’t followed his intuition. He’d followed the opportunity for the filly. He’d been searching for a good mare with solid racing heritage. But they all came at too high a cost. When he met Tim Summer, he’d been searching for someone to buy a share of the farm. A small share, but a share nonetheless. He’d lied to Kitty when he said he’d found out about the filly weeks ago from Dotty. He’d been in negotiations with Tim to buy the filly and had been for over a year.
He stared at Kitty anyway. At the thick dark hair that fell in silken ripples down her back. At the petite profile that hid a deep well of strength. It’d taken guts to stand up on that altar and kiss him.
She sighed and faced him. Her expression didn’t accuse or deride. She hadn’t attacked his claims of love, so much as denied the depth of those claims. How could he blame her for finding a weakness he hadn’t recognized within himself?
“Apparently, I ruined all but one thing.” Her voice was soft, not damning. Her gaze was pitying, not pious. “I didn’t break your heart.”
The sounds around Beck went on mute. Time slowed. It felt like his heart slowed, too. But it slowed from the blood-numbing impact of truth, not from a mortal wound to the heart. He’d had his heart broken as a child. He knew what heartbreak felt like. He never wanted to be heartbroken again.
“Do your parents love each other?” Beck asked when he could work up enough saliva to speak.
“No.” Kitty’s answer came too quickly. “Not like they should. My father–”
“I know about your father.” About his philandering and his ill wife. Had she heard about his parents? “My mom and dad are in love with each other.”
That created a crease between her brows. “You say that as if it’s a bad thing. Grandma Dotty and Grandpa Ronald were head-over-heels in love with each other. It was beautiful.” The crease disappeared. She drew herself up with a swell of hearts and flowers that bloomed into a smile.
He should leave her with her happiness. He couldn’t. Whether he liked it or not, he and Kitty had a connection. He needed her to understand why he was comfortable loving Maggie within limits. “My parents love each other to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. When my grandfather fell ill, they were at a loss as to how to deal with him. When they should have been taking over the reins of the horse farm after he died, they barely paid the bills on time.”
She angled her chair to face him, hearts and flowers disappearing.
“My parents are crazy in love with each other.” Gone was the volume control on his voice. He spoke loud enough to wake Dotty and reach passersby. He didn’t care. “My parents have been in love since the moment they met. Their love is priority one. Everything else…everyone else…” Including him. “…comes second.”
“That can’t be true.” Kitty’s voice was wrinkled with disbelief. “They love you. They were at the wedding.”
“Maybe so, but they didn’t stick around afterward to see if I was okay. They haven’t answered my calls since.” He’d tried them again after they’d checked in. “Their world doesn’t revolve around me and it never has. That time I was kicked in the wrist? Grandpa took me to the hospital. They never showed up.”
She covered one of his hands with one of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.
He pulled his hand free. “I’m not looking for sympathy for a lonely childhood. My grandfather made up for it.” He’d come to open houses and soccer games. He’d helped Beck with his homework. “But after he died, my parents were content to let everything go. Everything my grandfather worked for…Everything he was passionate about and sacrificed for.”
“Everything that was important to you,” she guessed, capturing his hand again for another heartfelt squeeze.
He didn’t pull away this time. She had a great bedside manner. He had no doubt her medical practice would thrive. “I don’t want to repeat my parents’ mistake and love someone to the exclusion of everything else. I love Maggie.” Lightning didn’t strike, so it must be true. “But I can love her and still devote myself to my business.”
“I bet you knew you wanted to run that horse farm from the time you could walk,” Kitty said in a neutral voice.
Beck nodded, wondering why he’d never told Maggie any of this. Would she care? Would she understand? Had she guessed?
“I bet it replaced that void that should have been filled by your parents.”
Beck said nothing.
Kitty drew back, taking her touch with her. “I think I knew I wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember. My mom has seizures and anxiety attacks. I wanted to fix her, because my dad didn’t seem to…” Her voice trailed off. She gave Beck a wan smile. “Anyway, Mom couldn’t always watch out for us, not the way she would’ve if she’d been healthy. Oh, we had Grandma Dotty and nannies, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted a mom like the other kids had.”
He had, too. “You took care of them.” Such a burden for one so young. He’d never heard any of her sisters complain that Kitty had been too bossy or that she was resentful of the responsibility. He’d never complained about taking over the horse farm. He’d never complained when he had to drop out of soccer or watched every penny to the point he didn’t date or hang out with his friends.
“I took care of the girls until medical school and my residency consumed me. And look what happened.” She pressed her lips together as if trying to hold back her words, but she wasn’t successful in holding anything in. “And look what happened. You slipped past me. Maggie changed. My mom recreated her wedding. And then I had no choice but to kiss you.”
Their gazes met. Held.
Something in Beck’s chest shifted. His heart beat harder.
“Anyway, it doesn’t mean anything.” She spoke too quickly, drawing back in her chair. “All men stray.”
“I resent that remark.” Or resemble, as the case may be. “You gave me no choice.”
She made a grumbling sound that he took as an expression of frustration. “I meant, our kiss meant nothing to me.” She looked everywhere but at him. “I’m not looking for something with you or anyone. I have to devote myself to my practice and, somehow, keep my eye on the girls.”
Something in her demeanor shifted, almost without him noticing. Something in her tone. Something in her defense of their kiss being meaningless. “Hey.” He touched her shoulder as impersonally as if he was pressing an elevator button. “You don’t believe in love, do you?”
Kitty hesitated too long before answering. “Does it matter? You’re afraid passionate love could hurt you somehow or that it isn’t lucrative.” Emphasis on lucrative, which is what had gotten them into trouble in the first place. Kitty gathered her hair into a loose ponytail. “I’ve been so distracted lately, so caught up in my own goals, I didn’t see there was no passion between you two until today.” Her gaze pierced his. “You haven’t slept together.”
Beck rocked back in his seat. “That’s none of your business.”
“I know my sister. Maggie’s no slut, but she wouldn’t let a little thing like a wedding ring stand between her and…” Kitty gave him a half-smile, one that was part worry and part regret. “I don’t want you to take this wrong, but you’re hot.”
His masculine pride encouraged him to take it wrong. His sense of honor wouldn’t let him.
“If Maggie was hot for you, well…” Kitty’s half-smile faded. “Without passion, what happens the next time someone lip-bombs you and you kiss them back? That’s called cheating and it’s not fair to Maggie.”
“From now on, I’m going to keep other women at arms’ length.” Especially Kitty. “Why can’t you accept there are all kinds of love? I don’t prefer the kind of love you’re talking about. It’s…distracting.”
“Maybe you don’t prefer it, but Maggie deserves it, nonetheless.” Kitty laced her fingers together as if in prayer. “At the very least, she deserves to know what to expect from yo
u.”
“Why? Because you think she needs more than I can give? Because it’s important to you?” He shook his head and made a decision. “I’m going to ask Maggie to forgive me and marry me.”
“That’s your right.” She untangled her fingers and stood. “Just make sure you profess your love honestly, because if she asks my opinion, I’m going to tell her.” She moved toward her slider. “She can’t trust you to honor your vows.”
“That’s not true. Kitty.” Beck captured her hand. It fit snug within the circle of his fingers. Their warmth melded, creating a link in support of everything Kitty was saying. Yet, Beck still denied it, because he believed he could deny temptation, even if it came in a package as tempting as his fiancée’s sister. “What will you do if she takes me back?”
Kitty stared at their joined hands and swallowed. “I’ll live with her decision.”
Beck vowed to live with it, too.
Chapter 7
“Is that street legal?” Kitty pointed to Beck’s truck the next morning.
The grill was gone. Vic had worked a miracle, replacing the radiator, but the grill couldn’t be repaired. The truck no longer smirked or grimaced. Its mouth hung open.
The surprised expression was probably a more fitting reaction to their road trip.
“As long as there’s a bumper, it’s legal.” Beck looked as if he’d rather shop for a new truck than drive his old one. He walked past Kitty without looking at her. “Let’s get going.” He hadn’t met Kitty’s gaze all morning.
Kitty was glad. She’d been unable to shake the memory of his hand clasping hers, of the way her heart squeezed when his fingers encompassed hers. It was one thing for Beck to be afraid of loving Maggie too deeply, and another thing to know Beck and Kitty shared chemistry. If Maggie took him back, would that spark of attraction fade over time? Would Kitty ever stand next to Beck and not have her heart ka-thump with longing? Would Beck find that chemistry with someone else and betray Maggie’s love once more?
Kitty almost wished she’d never kissed him.
When they’d first begun to talk on the hotel veranda last night, she’d been hopeful their situation and her feelings would be straightened out. They’d solved nothing except to create a deeper understanding of their pasts and their outlook on love. And to put a knot of uncertainty in Kitty’s chest. Could Maggie win a bigger share of Beck’s heart? Could any woman?
They drove in silence for hours. Grandma Dotty was worn out from the excitement of the previous day. She napped through the morning, alternating her head from Kitty’s shoulder to Beck’s. The highway north stretched out before them, miles of concrete, shopping malls and ever rarer green belts.
“I’ve always wanted to visit an alligator farm,” Dotty said, without lifting her head from Kitty’s shoulder. “Every man in my life considered them a tourist trap and swore I’d lose a hand to a gator.” She gave Beck a considering look. “Have you ever been?”
“No.” His voice, so long unused, came out in a deep rumbly growl.
Dotty was unfazed by the grouch next to her. “What about you, Kitty?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Beck said before Kitty could answer. “We aren’t stopping.”
“But it said last chance to see gators in Florida,” Dotty said as if that was reason enough to stop. “A gator farm is on my bucket list. You know, I’m closer to kicking the bucket nowadays.”
Kitty couldn’t contain a grumble of her own. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Well, I’m not getting any younger.” Dotty sat upright and settled her pink ball cap more firmly on her head. “I lost Ronald. I lost Winthrop. Who’s to say I won’t be next?”
Kitty thunked her forehead gently against the window and stared at her reflection in the side view mirror. The pink heart-shaped sunglasses were too big for her face, just like Beck’s attitude toward love was too big for her to overcome. “Nobody knows what the future holds.”
“No more stops.” Beck infused his voice with authority. He’d been cranky all morning, even before he’d seen his beloved truck.
Was he unhappy with the way their conversation had ended last night? Did he wish he could love deeply? Or was Kitty the one who was wishing?
For Maggie, of course.
Kitty swallowed back a sound of disgust. A distraction was in order. “Beck, I bet your grandfather would’ve taken you to the gator farm if you wanted to go. I bet he had no boundaries on his love for you. I bet–”
“Butt out,” Beck snapped.
“Do I know Beck’s grandfather?” Dotty shifted in her seat. “He sounds like a wonderful man.”
“He died years ago.” Beck sent a dark look Kitty’s way. “And yes, he took me places he probably shouldn’t have, like the race track. But everything we did together had a purpose.”
“Oh, come on,” Kitty blurted. “You’re saying he never took you to a museum or Central Park to fly a kite? He never let you just be a kid?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” He slowed to allow a semi-truck to pull into their lane. “Horse races, horse shows, breeding conventions, equipment retailers. Don’t knock it. I liked it.” These last words were spoken with less conviction. “He taught me the business. He taught me resiliency. I can’t tell you how many times I was thrown from a horse and he made me get right back on.”
Beck’s quiet drive to succeed took on new meaning. Kitty imagined a toddler with tousled brown hair and a solemn expression dogging his grandfather’s every step. A young boy with that same brown tousled mop sitting silently at a table of venerable horsemen. A clean-cut teen bent with grief, but determined to make his dead grandfather proud. And always in the background, his parents, unwilling to encircle him with love. Kitty’s heart ached for that boy.
“But…” Dotty’s face puckered. “During all those years when you were growing up, didn’t you ever cut a rug? Borrow the family car for a joy ride? Escape with a pretty girl into the city?”
“No.”
“Oh, Beck.” Dotty scolded. “You need to go to the gator farm worse than I do.”
Beck wasn’t buying it.
“Is that how you want your kids to be raised?” Kitty had to know if her nieces and nephews would be groomed to take over Beck’s family business or be allowed to be kids.
He opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything.
The semi-truck in front of them got back into the right lane. Beck gunned past him.
They approached another sign for Gators! Gators! Gators! This time with big red letters that said, “Next Exit!”
Dotty fidgeted. “Coffee runs right through me. Cleans out my back pipes, too.”
Beck made a sound like a trapped carnivore. They’d made two potty stops already.
“They probably have a bathroom at the gator farm. And a food booth, too.” Dotty rested her hands on her knees and rocked back and forth. “Maybe they have corn dogs.”
“Or gator dogs,” Kitty teased, unable to resist.
That remark earned her a glare from Beck. “Those signs you’ve been seeing aren’t for a gator farm.” His voice was as gruff as a pack-a-day smoker. “They’re for airboat tours through the swamp.”
Boats. Kitty’s heart nearly stopped beating.
“Speed. Even better.” Dotty clapped her hands like an excited toddler. “Does that mean we can go?”
Beck sighed heavily. “I’m not going to hear the end of gators if I don’t take you, am I?”
“Nope.” Dotty popped the “p.”
She was either punch-drunk from being in the truck so long or she was drifting in reality. Kitty would’ve given her grandmother water if she hadn’t been doing the strapped-in potty dance.
“This will be our last stop before Tybee Island.” Beck changed lanes, sliding the big black beast between an old red Camry and a white Prius with little room to spare. He should have been a jockey. He was that good weaving in and out of high-speed traffic. “The last stop,” Beck repeated when Dotty didn’t answer
.
“Other than breaks to go to the ladies.” Dotty held up three fingers. “I swear.”
Kitty didn’t think it was a good idea to tell Beck her grandmother had never been a girl scout.
*
A short time later, the trio stood on a dock beneath a thatched roof waiting for an airboat to take them and about thirty other tourists on a boat ride.
Kitty’s stomach was set on the spin cycle. She didn’t want to get on the boat. But she didn’t want to let Dotty out of her sight, either. Since her grandfather’s death, Dotty had a way of finding trouble.
“Do you think we’ll see some action?” Dotty was like a teenage boy at the X-Games. She talked to anyone who’d listen to her–the ticket agent, other tourists, and now a pre-teen boy with a blond mohawk and a golf ball size wad of chewing gum. “If our driver gets too close and someone dangles some steak off the side–hoo-wee! There could be blood.”
The pre-teen boy grinned around his braces. “I don’t have steak, but I have gummy worms.”
The two bantered about what bait they had in their pockets–Grandma had gator jerky–and what kind of bait they wished for–Grandma favored sushi. They speculated on how large Big Al was. Big Al was advertised as being the largest alligator in Florida. They wondered if there were gators hiding beneath the dock.
Two airboats raced around a mangrove island about a quarter mile away. Both had a full load of tourists. An alligator swam out of their way, too small to be Big Al.
Kitty stood very still, struggling to fill her lungs with air. The swamp smelled of rotting vegetation, like a pile of cut grass left out in the hot sun for days.
“You’re sweating.” Beck brushed a damp lock of hair away from her face.
“It’s Florida.” Kitty’s voice sounded as if it belonged to a small and fearful bullfrog. “And it’s hot. Of course, I’d be sweating.”
A Kiss Is Just a Kiss Page 6