by Tom Holt
'Cassius Longinus hasn't got any time at all. He's dead, remember.'
I growled. 'Well,' I said, 'when you see him on the other side of the River, any moment now, you can smash his teeth in for him. That's if they've got teeth in the afterlife.'
'I don't think so,' Lucius Domitius said. 'At least, nobody's ever mentioned it.'
'Good,' I said, 'I think I've got an abscess coming. It'll be nice to avoid that.'
Then the door at the far end of the room opened, and two of the biggest men I've ever seen in my life walked in. Not just big, as in you'd have to stand on a table to punch them on the nose. Big big.
'Thought we heard you talking,' said one of them cheerfully in an unexpectedly high voice. 'How're you feeling, both of you?'
The bloke who said that was the shorter of the two, maybe by as much as a whole finger's breadth. He had high cheekbones, arms like six fat snakes having a race up a tree, and a completely bald head, not even any eyebrows. The other bloke had a face like a vulture, with long black hair tied up in a ponytail. That aside, he could have been the bald guy's big brother.
Neither of us said anything. This seemed to worry the bald man. He asked, 'Are you all right?' and sounded like he really cared. Strange, I thought.
'Of course they're not all right,' said the other one, in an accent you could've blunted a knife on. 'They're all tied up with rope. Probably got pins and needles.'
He came over and started untying my ropes, while his friend saw to Lucius Domitius. When they'd finished, and I was flexing my ankles to see if they still worked, Lucius Domitius (who'd been staring at the bald man like he'd seen a ghost or something) cleared his throat awkwardly and said, 'I know you. You're Alexander, the gladiator.'
The long-haired bloke laughed. 'Good memory you've got, chum.' Meanwhile the bald man was looking at his feet, like he was embarrassed or something.
'It is you, isn't it?' Lucius Domitius went on. 'I saw you fighting loads of times. You were really good.'
Something else I didn't want to hear. Now if he'd said, 'You were so pathetic, even I could've done you over with one arm in a sling,' that might have cheered me up.
The bald man was blushing, would you believe. 'Yeah well,' he said. 'That was a long time ago.'
'I'll say,' put in his friend. 'We been retired, what, ten years? That's right, nine going on ten. Our last fight was just before Otho got done in.' He laughed.
'That dates us,' he said. 'Half the kids you meet nowadays probably don't even know who Otho was.
'Is it as long as that?' said Lucius Domitius. 'Good God, doesn't time fly?
Seems like only yesterday I saw you take down the two German brothers — what were their names?'
Something else had just occurred to me, though it probably didn't matter. Still, he should've known better than to let on he knew who the bald bloke was. Knowing the name of the man who's just kidnapped you isn't what you'd call a survival skill.
'Segibert and Runthing,' said the pony-tail bloke, grinning. 'Don't ask him, he comes over all shy when you talk about the old days. Not me, I like remembering.'
'Just a moment.' Lucius Domitius turned and looked at him. 'Of course, I recognise you as well. You're Julianus Bolius, the two-sword man.'
Shit, I said to myself, but if Pony-tail was bothered about being recognised, it didn't show. Bad, bad sign; made it look even more definite they were going to kill us.
'That's right,' he said. 'Fancy you knowing me without my helmet on.'
'You were very good,' Lucius Domitius said. 'Wasn't it you who had that amazing bout with the Spanish net-and-fork man, Nicias or Nicomedes or something like that? You remember, where he had you flat on your back with the fork-tines at your throat, and then you did this really neat little sideways roll, knocked him off his feet, skewered him with his own fork?'
'That wasn't me.' Pony-tail shook his head. 'That was my brother Julianus Saphax, rest his soul.'
'God, yes.' Lucius Domitius was nodding frantically 'I remember him all right.
He had this move with the left arm that nobody ever seemed to be able to figure out.'
'Almost nobody,' Pony-tail interrupted, nodding his head towards his mate.
'Alexander here, he was the only one who ever managed to read it.'
'Of course, yes,' Lucius Domitius exclaimed, 'I remember, I saw that one. Your brother had Alexander up against the boards, and then quite suddenl—' He broke off, his eyes as round as soup bowls. 'My God,' he said.
The bald man had tears running down his cheeks. 'It's all right,' Pony-tail said, 'we sorted that out years ago. He knows I don't blame him, don't you, Alexander?' The bald man nodded, too upset to say anything. 'That's how it goes in the arena, you don't take it personal. I mean,' he went on, 'look at us, best mates, been together now, what, seventeen years?'
'Eighteen next February,' Alexander snuffled.
'Well, there you are,' Pony-tail said. 'See, when you're really good mates, like we are, even stuff like him killing my brother, it doesn't matter a damn. You just put it behind you and carry on.
Alexander sat down on the floor and burst into tears. 'Still,' Pony-tail went on, in a loud whisper, 'it's probably best if you stay off that subject. He gets upset, see, and I'm the one that's got to put up with him.'
Lucius Domitius nodded, as if to say, I know what you mean. Bloody nerve. Not to mention the fact that his two heroes of the sanded arena there were the men who'd snatched us out of the inn and bashed us over the head. Somehow, I wasn't convinced that they were on our side.
Maybe Pony-tail sensed my misgivings, because he looked me in the eye and said, 'Well, I guess I owe you two an apology. About bumping you on the head, I mean.
Only, what with the crowd and the fuss and all, there wasn't time to explain.
Easier to fetch you here first and explain afterwards.'
Lucius Domitius looked like he was about to say, Oh that's all right, don't worry about it, so I nipped in first. 'Explain what?' I said.
Pony-tail shrugged. I guess that's what landslides on the slopes of Etna must look like. 'Not a lot I can tell you,' he said. 'Bloke we do jobs for occasionally, he comes round to see us and he says, two friends of mine are in a spot of trouble, they're being held prisoner in an inn down by Ostia Gate, I want you two to nip round there and get them out. Only be careful, he says, remember, they're my friends, and you boys don't know your own strength sometimes. So,' he went on, 'it'd be really nice if you didn't say anything about the bumps on the head, right? He'd get really snotty if he knew, stop our money and all. And let's face it, times are hard. We wouldn't be doing this sort of shit if they weren't.'
The expression on Lucius Domitius' face said he thought it was a crying shame that two famous heroes of the Grand Circus were reduced to bashing people in inns just to make ends meet. Once a pillock, always a pillock, as my old mother used to say.
'This bloke,' I said, 'the one who hired you. He wouldn't happen to be a Sicilian, by any chance?'
Pony-tail frowned. 'Don't think so,' he said. 'At least, I don't know where he's from originally Never known him leave the city, though.'
That didn't sound right, but I carried on anyway. 'Tall bloke,' I said, 'straight nose, square jaw, dark curly hair.'
'No, that's not our bloke,' Alexander put in. 'Short, tubby little chap, bald, about four chins. Goes by the name of Licinius Pollio.'
A short, tubby chap. Shit, I thought, him. 'Oh,' I said, 'him. Well, you're right about one thing. He'll be pissed off if he hears you clobbered us.'
Pony-tail pulled a face. 'That's no lie,' he said. 'Nasty temper he's got, for a bloke who looks like a fattened lamb. You won't tell him, will you?'
'Of course not,' Lucius Domitius put in, before I could say anything. 'Don't worry about it. But did he say what he wanted with us?'
Pony-tail shook his head. 'Nah. Just fetch 'em to the old house and wait for me to show up, that's all. Mind you,' he went on, 'I'm surprised he hasn't shown up by now
We were supposed to meet him here at midnight and it's well past that now. I heard the cabbage carts go by outside, and that was some time ago.'
'He's a funny bloke, Licinius Pollio,' said Alexander. 'Don't suppose I should be telling you this, but he's had us following you about for the last few days.
Bugger of a job finding you, we had. I mean, a big, good-looking ginger-haired Italian and a small, rat-faced Greek — not my words,' he added quickly, 'that's the description he gave us, and no names, of course, that'd have been too much like your actual help. You got any idea how many people there are answering to that description in Rome ?'
Not to mention misleading, I thought. Lucius Domitius, good-looking? 'You managed it, though, obviously,' I said.
'Oh, we know our way about,' Pony-tail said. 'In our line of work, we know everybody'
'Not the bashing people on the head business,' Alexander amended. 'That's not what we really do, except when times are hard. Really you see, we're cooks.'
I managed to get in ahead of Lucius Domitius, though only just. 'So you've been trailing us,' I said. 'Did he say why?'
Alexander lifted his head, Greek-style. 'No. Just follow them around, was what Licinius Pollio told us; keep an eye on 'em, make sure they don't get into any bother.'
Pony-tail was grinning, which seemed to annoy Alexander. 'Sorry,' Pony-tail said, 'but we've got to tell 'em. I mean, it's the funniest thing. You won't tell Licinius Pollio we told you, will you?'
'Told us what?'
Alexander shrugged, and Pony-tail went on 'I don't know,' he said. 'I've known Licinius Pollio come out with some pretty weird stuff but that's got to be the weirdest. He said, follow them around —that's you — look out for them, and when they're asleep, he says, I want you to sneak up on them and leave this money where they can find it.'
I looked up sharply 'Money?'
'That's right,' Alexander said. 'And then, when you dossed down for the night surrounded by all those low-lifes, I said to Julianus, we can't leave 'em there with all that money on 'em, chances are they'll never wake up again. So we had to hang around all night, just in case someone tried to rob you. Which they did,' he added, 'or they tried to. Couple of blokes, nasty-looking types they were. But we bashed 'em, and they slung their hook.'
Well, now at least I had a name for the vicious monster who'd been playing such cruel games with my head, and I don't just mean hitting it: Licinius Pollio.
Never heard of him. 'Did he say anything else about us?' I asked. 'Where he knows us from, anything like that?'
Pony-tail shook his head. 'But that don't mean anything, I mean, we don't exactly chat heart to heart much, what do you expect? He doesn't invite us to dinner and introduce us to his teenage daughters, either. And before you ask, that's a what's-his-name, hypothetical. I don't know if he's got daughters, or if he's even married. I couldn't care less, either.'
'Anyway,' Alexander chipped in, 'I thought you said you knew him.'
For some bizarre reason, God only knows why, I got it into my head that I could trust these two. Anything more unlikely this side of flying elephants it'd be hard to imagine, but there it is, sometimes you get these crazy notions. I think it was because, if you ignored their extreme size and savage appearance, they reminded me a lot of my aunt Callirhoe. 'Never heard the name Licinius Pollio before in my life,' I said. 'I know a short, tubby bald Italian guy, like the one you described. I've seen him at least twice. But why in hell he should be interested in us, let alone hiring people to give us money in our sleep or rescue us from burning inns—'
Pony-tail coughed, and he had an embarrassed look on his face, along with all the fencing scars. 'In case you're getting the wrong idea,' he said, 'we didn't rescue you from the inn because it was on fire. More the other way round.'
'Excuse me?'
He pulled a weak grin. 'The inn was on fire because we were rescuing you. What I mean to say is, we started the fire. Diversionary tactics, I think they call it in officers' training. Well,' he went on as I gave him a scowl that'd have etched bronze, 'we could see there was this hired muscle staking the place out, and we didn't want to make a scene fighting our way in and out. And you might have got hurt—'
'More hurt than a heavy blow to the head,' I muttered. 'Well, couldn't have that, could we?'
Alexander made a wounded noise, like a kicked dog. 'I told you, didn't I, we shouldn't have bashed them. I said they wouldn't trust us if we did, and now look. You, you're always after the quick fix, that's your problem.'
'Don't listen to my friend,' said Lucius Domitius soothingly 'It's just because he's short, he gets nervous around tall people. Probably I'd have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.'
That seemed to cheer Pony-tail up a lot. 'Well,' he said, 'so long as you understand. Truth is, we aren't all that clued up on this line of work. Like I said, we're only doing this because times are hard. Anyhow,' he went on, 'that's about all there is to it, really We've been following you around, and when that building fell on your friend—'
'Oh, so that wasn't you as well, then?' I asked. I was still upset about that being-short thing. 'Only I did wonder. Seemed to me it fitted in quite nicely with your way of going about things.'
'Ignore him,' Lucius Domitius said. 'I generally do.'
Alexander grinned, while Pony-tail went on 'When that building fell on your friend, we were a bit stumped. You see, Licinius Pollio made a point of saying, keep out of the way, don't let 'em know they're being followed. Well, it's a bit bloody obvious, isn't it, saving someone from a falling building? On the other hand, he did say make sure no harm comes to them. But then those two blokes darted in and pulled you out, so we thought, well, that's all right.
But then they whisked you away like that, so we followed, and, well, you can imagine what we thought when we saw who it was'd rescued you. Didn't know what to do, did we?'
'Hold on,' Lucius Domitius interrupted. 'You recognised them?'
'Course,' Pony-tail said. 'Everybody in Rome knows those two.'
I frowned. 'You mean Amyntas and what's-his-name, his brother? The Egyptian doctors? They said they'd only been in town a short while.' I turned the frown into a scowl. 'Why are you two grinning?' I said.
'You tell him,' said Alexander, after a pause.
'Those two,' said Pony-tail. 'What did you call them?'
'Amyntas,' I said. 'And the other one, I can't remember offhand. Anyway, they're doctors, from Memphis in Egypt . And they've got a sister called Myrrhine.'
Alexander lifted his head. 'They may be from Memphis originally,' he said. 'I mean, everybody's from somewhere. Like, I'm from a small village in Thessaly and Julianus is from Ecbatana , in the Persian empire . But they've been in Rome certainly as long as me, and I've been here twenty-two years.
'He's right about them being doctors, though,' Pony-tail put in. 'That's what they used to do, apparently'
'Fine,' I said impatiently 'So what do they do now?'
Pony-tail pulled a face. 'Oh, they run one of the biggest street gangs in the city,' he said. 'The Pincian franchise, they call it. Seriously unpleasant people.'
'Hooligans,' Alexander grunted. 'Into thieving and mugging and the political stuff. And receiving, too, and kidnapping. They do a lot of that. Quite a few of the blokes we used to fight with've ended up working for them over the years.
Not us, though. We don't hold with that sort of thing.'
'They're gangsters?' I said.
'Yeah, that's what I just said,' Alexander replied. 'So, as soon as we realised they'd got you, we zoomed back to Licinius Pollio and told him.'
'Didn't he ever give us what for,' Pony-tail interrupted. 'What the hell were you two thinking about, he said, letting those animals get their hands on them?'
'And then he told us to get over there right away and have you two out of there,' Alexander went on. 'But like we told you, when we got there we saw all these bad guys hanging round the place. Some of 'em were Scyphax's people—'
'Scyphax
?' Lucius Domitius said.
'That's his real name,' Alexander explained, 'the one you called Amyntas, for sure. And his brother's called Biacrates.'
'What about the sister?' I asked. 'Myrrhine. Is that her real—?'
Alexander lifted his head. 'Never heard anything about any sister,' he said. 'I mean, they might have a sister, for all I know, but I never heard anybody mention one. Anyhow, some of them were Scyphax's mob, we recognised a few familiar faces. But some of 'em were Strymon's blokes, and of course Scyphax and Strymon aren't exactly what you'd call friends.'
I sighed. 'Strymon?'
'He's another big man in the gangs,' Pony-tail said. 'Heads up the Esquiline faction. They're not as big as the Pincians, but they make up for it by being extra antisocial. There was a big turf war, year before last, between their lot and Scyphax, so I can't see where the two outfits'd be working together on anything.'
Alexander nodded. 'And on top of that,' he went on, 'there was a whole bunch of 'em we don't know from anywhere. Either they're new in town, or they were brought in specially God only knows whose side they're on.
My head was starting to swim before he said that. 'Bloody hell,' I muttered.
'And all this because of us? Really, they needn't have bothered.'
'Anyhow,' said Pony-tail, 'with all that lot out there, we had a Samnite's chance in a brothel of just strolling in the front door and collecting you. So we snuck round the back and started the fire. Seemed like a good idea.'
'Well, it worked,' said Lucius Domitius. I noticed he'd gone all pale and thoughtful, and no wonder. One thing I felt absolutely sure of, it wasn't me that all these high-powered gangsters were after. 'And you've got no idea why they were after us,' Lucius Domitius went on, 'these gang people, I mean, Scyphus and whatever the other one's called.'
'Scyphax,' Alexander corrected him. 'And Strymon. Sorry, no idea. I mean, we could get hold of one of their people and see if we could squeeze it out of him, but I don't think it'd get us anywhere. One of the gangs' strong points is the grunts don't ever know what the bosses are up to. Security, you see.