by Michelle Lee
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tracy reaches for my hand as well. All three of us clutch each other.
“I am. Dash was… he was phenomenal. He calmed me and didn’t question at first and was just there for me. He took me to a diner, Marty’s, and we talked a little about what happened, and then we just talked. I guess on the limo to our next destination, I feel asleep and Dash just brought me home. I’m sorry I didn’t call you guys to let you know if I was okay or not. I regret that most of all. I promise to call you next time. Hopefully there won’t be a next time.” I give their hands a tight squeeze, trying to relay my emotions.
“As long as you’re truly, really, absolutely okay?” Val stares straight into me as if she’s searching for the truth.
“I am. I promise.”
Our waiter comes over with our food. My friends always know I order the same thing when we come here, so I’m not surprised to see my favorite salad put in front of me.
“Are you going to see him again?” Val asks, and I notice Tracy’s eyes questioning as well while she eats her salad.
“I… I don’t know. If I’m being honest with myself, I really want to. But… but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I mean, he’s Dash Ford, lead singer of Redemption, and I’m…”
“And you’re Jules Bennett, writer and interviewer extraordinaire for one of the most popular magazines in the country. Don’t doubt yourself, honey. I know, we know, he did that to you. But you have no reason in the world to feel that way. Ever.”
I look at my two friends, really look at them, and I see nothing but sincerity. I want to believe them; I really do. But there is always, always, going to be that part of me—the part he created—that will always doubt. Always. I realized something last night, and now, at this very moment, I see it with perfect clarity. I need help. I can’t do this on my own. As much as I think I can or could, I can’t.
I clear my throat, trying to force down the lump of emotion that’s taken up residence. “Um… I’m… I’m going to contact Dr. Hamilton, the one on the card Detective York gave me.”
“Jules, that’s… that’s great. I’m…” Val’s eyes dart to Tracy’s. “We’re proud of you, and we are right by your side every step of the way.”
Tracy wipes her mouth and sets her napkin back in her lap. “Absolutely. You’ve got us, babe. Um, I hate asking this, but what made you finally change your mind? I mean, Val and I have tried desperately for a while now to get you to make that call. What’s changed?”
“Tracy!” Val looks like she could rip Tracy’s tongue out. I know she’s worried her little question will set me back or something, making me change my mind.
“Val, it’s okay. I was waiting for that question actually.” I look them both dead straight in the eye, letting them know how serious I finally am. I sit a little straighter, a little taller, before I continue. “After last night, I realized this morning that what I’ve been doing isn’t working. I know you’ve been by my side, helping me the best you can, but… but after last night… I… I need more. I need to finally find a real way to cope and move past it all. I’m tired of living like this, and last night solidified that.”
My two closest friends get up from their seats and come to my side, both of them wrapping their arms around me. Even though we are in a very public place, our moment is ours and private. I gather strength from them, knowing that what I’ve told them is exactly what I need to do. Before the moment can become too overwhelming, they find their way back to their seats. Val is the first to speak after our little moment. “Jules, just think about Dash, okay? Really think about it. I know Miss Groupie here would… shit, I don’t even want to think what she would do if it were her and not you, and Lance and not Dash, anyway… he seems like a nice guy, but we’ve all just met him. I don’t want you to get hurt. And I’m not saying this all because I’m working for the band now… I’m saying this because after all you’ve been through and now that you’ve decided to get real help, I’d hate for you to have a setback. Just… just be careful, and know that whenever you need us, we’ll be there. Okay?” The softness in Val’s voice goes against her hard exterior. At times she can be such a contradiction.
“We’re always here for you. And I would take that remark as an insult, but she’s right. You don’t want to know what I would do if it were me and Lance. Lance…” Tracy gets this dreamy look in her eyes, and I don’t think she’s with us at the moment anymore.
“I will. I am. Besides, I really don’t see anything actually happening with Dash. Nothing. Nope, nothing at all. I don’t think I’m… no, I know I’m not going to see him again. Nope, not gonna see him.” I’m not doing a very good job of convincing them or myself. He’s probably busy, or better yet, totally forgotten about me and has moved on to someone else since I’m sure the night didn’t end the way he had intended. I’m sure he wants nothing to do with me after my panic attack even though he seemed really concerned afterwards. It was probably just an act since he was stuck with me. He was probably wishing he had let Tracy and Val take care of me. “Yep, not going to see him again.”
“Well, last night you two looked like you were made for each other. I’ve never seen anything like it, Jules. You moved, he moved, he moved, you moved. You two were being pulled to each other. You were practically two people, one body. Yes, he’s a rock star and probably has had his pick of the female population, but the way he was looking at you last night makes me think there may be something there. I have a feeling Dash Ford goes after what he wants, and methinks he wants you. Don’t you agree, Trace?” Val states the unobvious.
“Oh, hell, yes, I agree. It’s true, Jules; I’ve never seen any guy, especially a rock star, react to a woman the way he reacted to you. The look in his eyes when he was watching or looking at you was intense. I think Val is onto something, and we can put her theory to work tonight,” Tracy adds.
“What do you mean tonight?” I ask.
“Well, the band is playing again, and since I am their new PR rep, I have tickets, for all of us,” Val informs.
I suddenly feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath my feet, and one name comes to mind—Enzo Venuti. Hesitantly and with much disappointment, I respond, “I can’t.”
“Of course you can. Val has tickets and backstage passes.” Tracy is practically bouncing in her seat as she hugs her napkin to her chest.
“I mean I have to work. I finally got the interview with Enzo Venuti, and I’m leaving tonight,” I reluctantly inform them.
“Can’t you leave tomorrow or something?” Val asks.
“Afraid not. Hank already made arrangements. Enzo is expecting me first thing in the morning, and this is, quite frankly, the opportunity of a lifetime, even if it means not seeing Dash again,” I say, feeling defeated.
“Well, not to worry. You’ll see him again, I just know it,” Tracy says, tapping her index finger to her temple.
I simply shrug my shoulders, the idea of them seeing Dash and not me settling in, causing a pain in my chest. Our meal continues without another mention of the concert or of Dash, and I am beyond grateful. I just wish my mind would do the same.
THE SCENT OF the floral candles wafts around the room as the warm water engulfs me. Harry Connick Jr. plays in the background. I am totally relaxed. A glass of Enzo’s finest is perched in my hand, and I draw the heavenly elixir to my lips, taking a dainty sip. The liquid dances around my palate, awakening my taste buds before it slides down my throat. I place a steamy washcloth over my eyes and sink further into the tub. Today was the best day ever, and it couldn’t get any better. Enzo is an amazing man; he exceeded all my expectations. I was honored to say the least when he took me into the cellar housing his latest creation, and the way it tasted was otherworldly. He invited me back anytime, just to visit. He even said if my career at the magazine took an unexpected turn, my gifts of wine tasting would be welcomed. I was, and still am, flattered.
As I let Harry’s crooning wrap around me, there is a poundin
g on the door. I am instantly brought out of my tranquil existence as the pounding continues. What the fuck? I know I put out the “Do Not Disturb Sign,” but I wonder if something is wrong. Surely if there was something wrong, the front desk would have called, or if they were to come to my room, they wouldn’t be pounding on my door like a barbarian. I hesitantly climb out of the tub, not really wanting to, but having to because of the asshole that is banging on my door. I look around for my robe and realize I forgot to pack it. I grab the fluffy white towel and wrap it around my dripping wet body and leave the warmth and comfort of my new sanctuary.
As I enter the living area, I notice that the stereo isn’t on that loud, not to warrant the beating my door is getting. I think twice and decide not to lower the volume. How can Harry Connick Jr. be annoying or loud for that matter? Seriously, someone is going to get either a tongue-lashing or a beat down or both. The pounding continues and gets louder, if that is at all possible, as I approach the door. I am so going to kick somebody’s ass when I open the door. I reach for the handle and angrily pull the door open as Harry continues to croon.
Without looking at the “pounder” because all I see is red, I heatedly respond, “First, did you not see the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign? Second, what the hell did this door ever do to you to deserve such a beating? And Third, the stereo is not that loud to warrant such a barbaric response.”
It is then, when I look up, that my eyes are met with intense, brilliant blue.
“Dash?” I choke out.
“Hi.”
“Where did you? I mean, how did you? Um, why are you…” I am totally thrown. How did he find me? Why is he here? He was performing tonight. Surely he didn’t and came here instead? Don’t be stupid, Jules. He would not do that for you.
His tongue flicks out and licks his bottom lip. My eyes zero in on the action, and my core tingles. He smiles, and I see his hand flash out of the corner of my eye, and he’s holding something. When I tear my eyes from his lips, I notice what he’s holding—a tube of red sparkly lip gloss. It looks just like the one Tracy put in my clutch. I look to the gloss and back to Dash. I’m sure I have a confused look on my face.
“I found it in the limo. It must have fallen out when I took out your license to get your address. I thought you might need it. Tracy told me you were here. I wanted to return this, and you weren’t at the show. I really wanted to see you.” His voice is low and raspy. But there’s something else mixed within. Some kind of uncertainty, and hearing Dash Ford, a man that commands the stage with such sex appeal and confidence, slightly uncertain makes me giddy inside. I can’t believe he came here to find me to give a tube of lip gloss. My mind is reeling.
I reach out and take the tube from him. Our fingers graze one another, and there’s that zapping tingly sensation again. My eyes dart to Dash’s in surprise, and his eyes tell me he felt it too. I thought that feeling was a fluke last night, but apparently not. “Dash?” He’s not staring at me anymore. His eyes have traveled down, and a slow whistle growl sound escapes his lips.
His eyes flash to mine, clearing his throat. “Sorry. You look sexy as hell in that towel. And I’m trying my damnedest, Sunshine, my damnedest.” He shifts his stance, his eyes roaming, not meeting my eyes.
I glance down and see what he’s staring at—me in only a towel, dripping wet. “Oh my God.” I feel my entire body heat up under his gaze, and embarrassment washes over me. “I better… I need… I’m gonna put some clothes on. I quickly turn back into the room and practically bolt for the bedroom. “You can come in,” I call out to him as I close the door and will my heart to stop jackhammering in my chest.
I throw on a pair of sweats and pull a T-shirt over my head, calling out to Dash, “I’ll be out in a minute, just, um, make yourself comfortable.” If last night wasn’t enough to embarrass myself, today definitely is doing the trick.
I emerge from the bedroom and notice Dash over by the iPod dock. He’s singing along with Harry, and my knees weaken. His voice is velvet and wraps around me. I watch in utter fascination. “You can turn that off if you like. Most people don’t…”
“I am pretty fond of Harry. I don’t mind at all,” he tells me, giving me that sexy, crooked smile.
A smile spreads across my lips. “Really? Tracy and Val think I am insane for listening to him. Actually, they don’t approve of my taste in music at all.”
“Well, I approve.”
My cheeks hurt from smiling like a lunatic. I quickly look away before I embarrass myself any further and motion for him to join me on the couch. “Do you want something to drink, to eat? I could order room service, if you want?”
“No, I’m good. I just wanted to bring you back your lip gloss, and to be honest, I really haven’t thought past giving it back.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Here I thought Dash was this smooth, overly confident rock star, but the man in front of me is anything but at the moment.
“So.” I’m at a loss of words. I don’t really know how to react to the fact that he’s really here. That he flew here to see me.
“So,” he copies.
Suddenly there is an awkwardness in the air, and I start to think that maybe he’s here to just let me know he feels bad about what happened to me last night and hopes I’m okay. Then he’ll get up and leave. I realize my thoughts have taken an irrational turn, but I can’t help it. None of this makes any sense to me.
“Dash, about last night. I’m sorry you had to… I never meant… I mean, I kinda understand how these things work, you being a rock star and all. I don’t want you to think, that you need to handle me with kid gloves. I’m a big girl. I get that it didn’t really mea—” Before I can say another word, Dash’s finger silences me.
“Sunshine, last night… to be honest, last night scared the shit out of me. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life… well, that’s not… anyway, when that happened because of me…”
It’s my turn to interrupt him. “Dash, it wasn’t your fault. Trust me… that wasn’t the first… you aren’t to blame. Please don’t. I can’t handle… just please don’t do that.”
He nods, his lips in a thin, worried line. He takes a deep breath and continues. “Okay, anything for you.” He reaches toward me and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. I can’t stop the shudder that travels through me.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, and it’s not because of what happened. Well, not the only reason. There’s something about you. You have this inner light, and it shines on everything, especially me. You’re my own personal Sunshine, Jules. And for whatever reason, I want to feel its warmth all the time. Last night something changed for me, and it’s because of you. I don’t understand it, but I think it’s something worth exploring. Definitely worth exploring. I know my life and career are unconventional, and it will be difficult at times.” He lets out an unsteady breath. “Who am I fucking kidding? It won’t be easy, Sunshine, not at all. But then again, I don’t want easy. Nothing worth having is easy.”
I just stare at him, trying to process all that he’s just said. “What are you saying? I don’t… I don’t…” My thoughts are jumbled. My words get stuck on my tongue. Is he saying what I think he’s saying?
“I want to see if there’s something between us, besides the obvious. I know you feel the attraction too, but I want to explore if there’s something more, and to be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I just know after meeting you, I can’t stay away. Even though involving you in my fucked up world is probably the last thing you need. I just can’t. I won’t.”
I just stare at Dash, completely thrown by what he’s just said. He wants to see if there’s something more here than the obvious? The obvious… I’d be lying if I didn’t feel it too. There is a strong attraction between us, and like him, I don’t think I could stay away. And as broken as I am, knowing I should, I can’t… I won’t. I suddenly realize I am pinching myself because I feel as though I must be dreaming. A part of me still can’t belie
ve what I’ve heard. You’d be right. You’re pathetic and nothing special. You need to remember that. Nothing special. I squeeze my eyes shut and will the voice to go away. Deep breath in, deep breath out. You don’t exist anymore. You’re nothing and can’t hurt me. I open my eyes, and the most brilliant blue stares back at me. I can see he’s growing nervous and impatient waiting for a response. I open my mouth… nothing. I try again… nothing. It feels as though my vocal chords have been severed, and I begin to cough. Dash looks alarmed and rushes to the bar, grabs a bottle of water, and is back at my side in a matter of seconds. I take the bottle, my hand shaky, and drain it in no time at all. I am now panting because I can barely breathe after chugging nearly twenty ounces of ice cold water. I feel his hand on my arm, rubbing soft circles on it, trying to calm me down. I have completely lost my mind and embarrassed the shit out of myself. If it isn’t bad enough I just coughed all over him, I have to pant like a porn star? I feel that ever-present blush rear its ugly head and splash all over me.
Dash stifles a chuckle. “You okay?” he asks so sweetly; the words are practically dripping with sugar.
I clear my throat and take two deep, cleansing breaths, and my voice cooperates. “Yeah, I’m good, totally good.”
“So, what do you think? Do you think, or are you even interested… Can you see this going somewhere, taking things slow? I don’t want to rush you into something that will make you uncomfortable. I know I should probably say we should just be friends at first, but I couldn’t handle that, Sunshine. There’s no way my thoughts about you would be purely friendship. They haven’t been. I don’t want to scare you, especially with what happened last night. But I have to be completely honest with you, lay it all out so you understand. I just can’t stay away from you. There’s something inside you that calls to me, and I can’t ignore it. It’s too powerful to.” Dash gets up, running his hands in his hair, making it a disheveled mess; it adds to his sexiness.