by Saci Lloyd
“Of course,” I replied. Automatically.
“Hey, Nick, you jamming?”
“Oh Christ! It’s the men’s dawn music group. You haven’t seen me, okay?” He legged it down a forest trail. An incredible feeling of loneliness swept over me. In a way, he was right. In my head, maybe I did just think rationing was temporary. But standing there, in a campsite in the New Forest, I finally got it. This is my life now. How did people let things get so bad? Selfish bastards.
I’ve just got another weird message from Rav.
> got no mob—grounded—gotta go – sorr
I logged on to message back and then my cell made this weird death bleep noise and totally died in front of me. I think it got wet in the bloody tepee. In the end I had to go to the shop (about 5 Ks away) and write Rav a postcard with a New Forest pony on it. It’s like modern life never happened. I can’t remember the last time I put a stamp on anything.
Huh, got totally bullied by a gang of ponies on the way back from the shop. I was innocently crossing a field when a squinty black pony shot out from under some trees and went for my pack of Monster Munch. And then a load of others came up behind him. It was dead scary. I had to surrender the Monsters and make a run for it. When I looked back they were all tearing at the plastic like piranhas. The countryside is so brutal.
Wed., Sept. 2
I’m trying not to think about the band. They play Poole tomorrow night and I’m so jealous. Plus I don’t know what’s happened to our family communication plan. Mum’s spending her whole time with Jon Grey Wolf doing 1-2-1 intensive therapy. Yesterday she burst into tears, and he put his arms around her in the most puke-making, new-age style rocking cradle hug. Puke, puke, puke. His “partner,” Poncho Woman, looked pretty sick, too.
Dad’s pretending not to notice, but Kim and me saw him kick ash on da Grey Wolf’s towel this morning when he thought no one was looking.
“Go, Dad,” growled Kim. “That’s what this place needs, a big fight. Poncho Woman’s mine . . . she’s a bad mother.”
“Thought you hated Lucius?”
“Nah, he’s cool. Taught him how to swear yesterday. That woman’s not bringing him up right—a kid’s gotta know how to swear.”
“He’s what, five?”
“Never too young—I started you at 4. You were so cute when you first swore. . . . Uh-oh—group work!” Kim jumped up, snuffling the air like a wild animal. I looked over. Mum was waving from the center of a group of Forest Folk. “Girls! It’s family workshop time. Come!”
I glanced back, but Kim’d vanished. Mum patted a space on the ground between her and a miserable-looking Dad. No escape.
“Sit, darling. Where’s your sister?”
I muttered something about her being lucky.
“But this is important! If Kim wants to be part of this family, she’d—”
“Oh, leave her alone,” groaned Dad.
“Well, isn’t that just your solution to everything. So goddamn passive.”
8 pairs of woodland eyes gleamed at my parents. My ears started to burn.
“If I may stop you a second, Julia.” Poncho Woman held up a calming hand. “Before you proceed with this conflict, you must ask yourself—am I UNFAIRLY taking my anger out on the other?”
Mum looked up, startled. “Well, I don’t believe—”
“Oh, you’ve got no idea. You wouldn’t know unfair if it slapped you around the face!” interrupted Dad.
“And you, Nick, must ask yourself—are my actions or words HURTING the other’s feelings?”
Dad shut his mouth with a snap.
Poncho threw her braids back, opened her throat and howled.
“G-r-ou-ou-ou-p j-oi-oi-oi-oi-n!”
The group linked hands. I, of course, got Mum and Dad. They began to chant, “Mother Wolf, we, the group, feel their pain. We pray You take their anger, release their inner wolf. Snatch their conflict in jaws of steel and run it through the woods, over the prairie, into the foothills!”
Prairie. What bloody prairie? I tried to pull my hands free, but my parents’ inner wolves had me in their slavering jaws.
“Julia, you know what you need to ask yourself,” chanted the group.
“Yes, yes!”
“Say it! Release the words!”
Mum threw her head back. “Am I—trying to—control him—against his—will?”
The group threw back their skinny heads. “G-o-o-o-d! Feel your pain, take your anger, release your inner wolf. Snatch your conflict in jaws of steel and run it through the woods, over the prairie, into the foothills!”
“And now, Nick—what do you need to say?” squealed Poncho Woman.
Dad sat with bowed shoulders. “I can’t.”
“Nick!”
“No-o!”
“Yes! Yes! Release!”
Suddenly he leaped to his feet. “All right, I need to say this!” He stared down at Mum, wild.
“Julia, I don’t know if I love you anymore. Everything’s changed. I keep trying to get it back, but I don’t know if I can!” And then he burst into tears.
Dead silence fell. Mum gave a little shocked gasp and I grabbed my chance, snatching my hands free and running down a track. And then I wandered for ages, just couldn’t get her face out of my head. I made for the river and suddenly heard an angry voice up ahead. Kim.
“No! I don’t want to, anymore! You can’t make me!”
I peered around a tree to see her throwing her mobile on the ground.
I ran up. “Kim. You okay?”
She whirled around. “Go away!”
“Who were you talking to?”
“Look, Laura, just piss off.”
I turned to go, but then a hot flash of anger surged thru me. “Why are you so angry with me? What did I ever do to you?”
She closed her eyes. “It’s not you . . . I’m . . .”
Suddenly there was a massive yell and a scream of “Nick!”
“What the—?”
“It’s Dad!”
We turned and ran back to the campsite to find Dad rolling on the ground with Jon Grey Wolf, both pounding the shit out of each other.
Kim seized Mum’s arm. “Jesus, why don’t you do something? It’s all your fault!”
Mum stared at Kim for a second and then she slapped her, hard, right across the face.
“I hate you!” Mum screamed. “And you all hate me. I don’t want to be in this family anymore!” And then she ran blindly into the woods, leaving us all staring at one another in shock.
I’ve had enough. I’m going to find the angels tomorrow.
Thurs., Sept. 3
2 A.M. Mental day. I’m on the way back to London, surrounded by sweaty bodies in the back of the tour van. I started out at dawn, walked 15Ks to Brockenhurst before I even saw another human being. I went into a convenience store and picked up a Snickers—and then had to put it back cos I’d forgotten all my money. The man in the shop looked at me like I was nuts. There was no way I was giving up, though. I set off down the A337 in the drizzle, with smug families gliding past in their family cars. When my blisters got too bad, I hitched a lift. The woman driver looked dead sorry for me. I stared out the window the whole time I was in the car so I wouldn’t cry.
I got to Poole at about 4, and then walked all over town looking for the Purple Turtle. God, I know what homeless people feel like now. My T-shirt and jeans were all messed up from when I’d fallen down a bank in the woods. After asking a zillion people, I finally found the place down a back street, but it was all shut up. I didn’t know what to do, so I slumped down on some dirty steps and waited and waited.
“Laur, what the . . .?”
I looked up. Adisa.
“Hey,” I smiled, “just come to check out this hot new band, the angels. You heard of them?” And then I burst into tears.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’d do without him. He just squeezed my hand until the tears stopped.
“I hate—my family—I hate them all.”<
br />
He nodded.
“I can’t take the pressure anymore. I can’t, Adi. I’m gonna do something bad . . .”
“Nah,” he said, looking into my eyes. “I don’t see that. Not my buddy Laura Brown.”
“Why are they doing this?”
“Cuz.”
“Cuz what?”
“People mess up. They don’t mean to, but they do. But that’s their shit.”
“But what if it is me, too? Maybe I’m all messed up like them.”
“You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.”
“Laura, thank God you’re here!” Claire stood at the bottom of the steps. “I’ve had it with that bitch, Mary. She’s so out.”
“What this time?” asked Adi.
“Says she won’t play. Again.”
He rolled his eyes.
“What’s been going on?” I asked.
“Don’t even ask.”
“But it’s cool, cos Laura’ll do it,” said Claire.
I looked down at her, felt my heart thud in my chest.
“Claire. First. You need to apologize for ditching me in the first place. Second. You need to ask me. Nicely. Third. When we get back, I’m going to write some lyrics and you’re gonna at least look at them.”
Claire stared up at me in shock. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing. It’s just how it is.”
She paused a moment, hands on hips. “Okay. One, I apologize. Two—please will you play tonight?”
“And number three?”
She flicked her fringe back. “Jeez. You been on assertiveness training in that forest?”
I wiped the snot off my nose with the back of my hand. “I am at one with my inner wolf.”
At 10 I was pacing up and down the back of the stage with Mary’s bass slung around my neck, trying to keep the panic down. And then suddenly the band was all gathered around me. Claire punched me in the shoulder. “All right, crew, we’re back up to full strength!” She scrambled onto the stage and flashed her tits at the crowd.
“We’re the dirty angels!” she screamed. “And we’re gonna crucify this place!”
We piled onstage behind her, Stace clicked her sticks, we launched into messed up and the room went crazy. The adrenaline rush when I’m up onstage is like nothing else, I love it. It’s like for one tiny moment I’m doing something real.
When it was all over, I helped the others carry gear out to the van. Somebody shouted my name. I turned. Mum was standing by the back doors. I coiled my bass lead tight around my hand. She threw the angels tour flyer at me and grabbed my shoulders.
“Never, ever do that again. I’ve been out of my goddamn mind. If I hadn’t found this flyer . . . Your dad’s still out there in the woods now, looking for you.”
I shook free of her grip. “Who are you to act so caring all of a sudden? After what you said? You don’t care about me.”
Her voice cracked. “Is that what you really feel?”
I shrugged and then she just stared at me for the longest time.
“Laura, I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t help it, a great big tear rolled down my cheek.
“And,” she said, “nobody in this family is going to pretend anymore. You, me, your father, Kim. I’m moving out when we get back, I’m sick of trying to make us all something we’re not.”
“But—”
“No buts. I don’t have any answers. We’ll have to work it out as we go along.” Mum sighed. “I don’t know if we were a mess before and rationing’s just made it all come to the surface, but I know it’s time to face up to it now.”
Fri., Sept. 4
As soon as we got home, Mum packed a bag. Dad’s offered to go, but she said no.
“You’ve got to look after all this . . . I’m a big girl now, Nick.” She held her hands out to me and Kim. “I’ll call you as soon as I’m settled.”
And then she was gone.
Found my exam results under a pile of junk mail. Pretty much sums it up. About 50,000 people died all around me this summer and I flopped my exams. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.
I knocked on Ravi’s door and Mr. Datta answered.
“I have sent the bloody boy away. He will be back in a few days. Worst luck!”
What’s going on?
Sat., Sept. 5
Kim’s just been in my room.
“Look, I’m gonna keep a low profile while things die down, so I’m going to be around the house a lot, working on Carbon Dating.”
“Uh, okay.”
“I . . . just want you to know I’m handling things.”
“Kim, maybe it’s time to go to the pol—”
She cut in. “Please, Laur. For me?”
Sun., Sept. 6
Got woken up in the middle of the night by a mad squawking and snarling. Dad ran downstairs, shouting, “Fox! Fox!” I ran after him. There was a huge pile of feathers in the chicken coop. Mrs. Black and Mrs. White are gone and poor Mrs. Pink was huddled in the corner, all covered in blood. Talk about shell shock.
Mon., Sept. 7
People are going mad about the fox. It’s taken loads of people’s chickens since we’ve been gone. A bunch of neighbors gathered on the street this evening and got more and more angry—until finally one of the Leaders went, “Let’s hunt it down!” and everyone cheered.
“Scratch a liberal . . .” muttered Kieran.
“And what?” I asked.
“Reveal a fascist. Look at the bloodlust on those Guardian-readers’ faces.”
In half an hour there was a big mob on bikes and scooters, all gathered around Arthur, who was outlining tactics. “. . . So is that clear? The beaters will flush the fox out of the gardens and along the train tracks, and the outriders will chase him down on the roads once he’s out in the open. When I blow this horn, we’ll begin! Ready?”
The hunters revved up their mopeds. Pathetic. And then I saw Ravi, crossbow slung across his shoulder. I turned away. The bastard. I mean, I feel dead sorry for Mrs. White and Mrs. Black, but the fox don’t know any better.
For the next hour all you could hear was tiny scooter engines and people screaming and shouting at one another. First they went around the back of the Chinese restaurant, and then they started to spread out across the streets. I suddenly saw Dad zooming around the corner and jumping off his bike into the trash cans at the back of our road.
“He’s over here!”
I glimpsed a streaking red body. The fox, weaving desperately between mountain bikes—and then it was all over. Delaney Leader revved up and down the street with a bloody foxtail stuck onto his scooter helmet, followed by the mob.
“Let’s celebrate!” Shiva Datta punched the air with his dirty fist.
Dad called from downstairs. “Laura! Come on, we’re having a barbecue in the back.”
I slammed my door shut and went back to my desk.
red blood thin man dead now
you kill to eat but
we kill for fun
There was a knock at the door.
“I don’t want to celebrate the death of an innocent fox,” I shouted.
“Laura?”
Oh, God. Ravi.
“What?”
“Can I come in?”
I opened the door a crack. “Well?”
“Hey. Missed you.”
I stared at him, coolly.
“How could you?”
“What?”
“I saw you down there with your crossbow.”
“Only to chill my dad off. I went around the corner after it started and chilled down by the tracks. He’s still mad at me for letting his rabbits go.”
“You didn’t!”
“Yeah. Sprung ’em.” Ravi grinned. “Just after you left he started givin’ me some bullshit about being a man; basically wanted me to kill one. I ain’t no bunny killer. Arsehole. I messaged you last week. Didn’t they get thru?”
“No
, they were all . . . weird and cut off. I really wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh, man, that’s cos I had to borrow my mate’s phone—and even then I could only get away for like a few seconds. Dad sent me to this carbon boot camp as punishment. It was hectic.” He frowned. “Was it bad, then?”
“You could say that.”
“Got your postcard, though.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah, those ponies looked well evil.” He paused. “Shit, it’s been a mad summer. . . .”
We stared at each other and then started to kiss dead crazy, like we were drowning or something.
Dad’s voice came from below. “Laura, get down here!”
I went over to the window and leaned out.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t care if you’re hungry or not, I want you to come out and help.”
“I’m not joining in this massacre party.”
“Then you’ll stay in your room. No supper.”
“Fine!”
“Suit yourself. But send that boy down.”
“Who?”
He crossed his arms. “Just send him down.”
I turned back to Ravi. “He treats me like a kid, but I’m 16. . . .”
“Yeah, but it’s all different now. After that rabbit thing I think I’d have just split before. But now where’ve I got to go? I can’t survive on my points on my own. I got to stay at home and graduate—and there’s no way I can afford to put myself thru college on my own, either. There’s no jobs anymore. I went around everywhere last week, looking. Everyone’s getting fired. Even McD’s, man. I know there’s all the retraining schemes for wind farms and fitting Smart Meters and stuff, but I wanna go to uni.” Ravi walked over to the window. “Anyway, I found this cool thing last week. There’s this green school engineering scholarship—s’like A-level tests but practical. I’m gonna apply for it. And you want to know the best part? It’s in Germany. Far, far away.”
“Oh,” I said. All cold inside.
“Now, Laura! Don’t make me come up there!” Dad bellowed from downstairs.
After Ravi left I sat in my room all night and glared down at the party below. Arthur dug a pit in the ground and started a fire. They set up a huge pot of water for corn, and Shiva threaded a row of chickens and what looked dangerously like rabbit bodies along a metal pole. Not all of them escaped, evidently. Kids were roving around like Lord of the Flies. I tell you, there’s no nut allergies now, no asthma inhalers, no overprotective mummies; these kids are fully survival-of-the-fittest animals.