by Kahlen Aymes
Julia kept us all fed, whipping up amazing meals in the tiny kitchen. She grunted at how small the freezer was. "So much for my plan to stock your freezer. Shit, this is small."
My heart thumped in my chest. She was still trying to take care of me and it made it even more obvious why I loved her so much. I was finally able to face it, even if I couldn't act on it.
Our time on the road and since we'd arrived in Boston had been bittersweet; a mixture of happiness and sadness as the minutes and days ticked by.
The trip had been a blast, but we couldn’t keep up the constant driving and were forced to spend one night in a hotel near Cleveland. I wanted to let my instincts take over and my instincts told me to make love to her. In fact, they were screaming in the darkness, keeping me awake into the wee hours of the morning. My body throbbed painfully at her nearness.
Julia tossed and turned, too...until she finally fell into an exhausted sleep. I listened to her breathing and could feel the heat from her body calling to me as I watched her sleep. I ached to reach out and brush her hair back or touch the soft skin on her arm. She was so beautiful and soft, so warm and vulnerable.
Needless to say, I lived on coffee and Diet Coke. Julia slept in the car and I teased her at the unfairness of it.
"Suck it up, Matthews. I can't help your hormones," she rolled her eyes at me and then grinned as she looked out the window. She knew exactly how she affected me.
In the apartment, Julia slept on the couch and, even though she wasn't in the same bed, she was only a few feet away. I longed to go to her as I lay awake in my bed going over the events of the past week…most of all the last couple of days as the end of our time together ebbed closer.
I turned on my side and punched my pillow, trying to find a position that would help me fall asleep.
Julia had agreed to look for a job in New York, but that didn't mean it would happen. There was still a good chance that she'd end up far away and the possibility was eating away at me.
We took time off from unpacking, taking the train from Boston down to New York City and ran around Manhattan sight-seeing and looking in all types of interesting stores. We found a small coffee shop on the East Side where we stopped before spending most of the day in Central Park. If Julia was able to get a job here, this would be the part of town where her office would most likely be located so I wanted to get her acclimated and see how she liked it. Truthfully, the thought of her in New York, alone, worried me.
As we strolled leisurely around the city, we talked about Harvard and my class schedule, Julia's dream job and what companies she'd be applying to in New York. We talked about our parents, and spent a lot of time reliving some of our special times together at Stanford. She asked me what type of specialty I wanted to go into and pushed me to think about it in depth. I wasn't positive yet, but knew I wanted to go into surgery or trauma medicine.
The one topic we avoided was our feelings for each other. It hung over us like an unspoken storm, but I was enjoying the day and didn't want to ruin it by forcing the topic, even though I ached to tell her I was in love with her.
Our time together made it clear that I could not contemplate the future without her in it. The most immediate future consisted of her getting on a plane and flying away from me.
I gave up trying to sleep and pushed out of bed. I went into the hallway and stopped to listen for signs of Julia sleeping.
I heard her soft voice calling out. "Ryan? Is that you?"
I walked the short distance into the living room. I stopped in front of where she sat and took in her shorts and t-shirt, her wild bed hair and the sparkling eyes looking up at me.
"Yeah. I can't sleep."
She smiled. "Well at least it's not your hormones this time."
"Isn't it?" I asked softly as I touched a finger to her chin.
"Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to come here."
"Yes, it was..." I said quietly, took her hand and pulled her up from the couch and down the hall, back to my room.
"Ryan...I.." she whispered as I took her in my room and shut the door behind us and I could feel her tremble beside me.
Still holding her hand, the mattress gave beneath my weight and I pulled her down beside me. She sat, cross legged facing me and I took both of her hands in one of mine, cupping her cheek with the other. She felt so soft...
"Julia...these last four years..." I began to speak but she pulled one hand from mine and pressed two fingers to my lips.
"Don't say something you'll regret, Ryan. I'm...scared. So scared of losing your friendship."
I sucked in my breath. "I'm scared of losing more than your friendship, Julia."
"I don't understand..."
"Will you listen without stopping me? Take the risk of hearing what I have to say." I whispered impatiently and rubbed my hand up and down her arm.
"Okay," she said quietly.
"I'm scared of not having what we're supposed to have if we don't take the risk. These last four years have meant so much. Knowing you and having you near me has literally changed the course of my life. You're my very best friend but... I feel so much closer to you than that. This thing with us... I can't shake it.”
She nodded, almost imperceptibly and looked down at her lap. "I know. Me, too."
I felt a little ray of hope surge within my chest and my heart sped up. This is Julia, I reminded myself. She knew me better than anyone else so I should just say what I needed to say.
"Since the day we met, I've been fascinated by you, honey. It's getting harder and harder to be around you and try to deny my feelings."
"Are you trying to say you're attracted to me, Ryan? Because...I'm attracted to you, too. On many levels." She dropped her eyes to our hands again.
"In the club, the night I got my acceptance letter, I wanted to kiss you. Holding you drove me crazy, but, it was like we talked about then. I'm not willing to lose your friendship."
"If we cross that line, then what? Will we feel weird with each other or lose...this? Will it make being apart even worse?"
"Can it get any worse?" I asked quietly as my fingers threaded through hers.
"I don't have that answer, but it's something I've asked myself," she whispered.
"What I do know, is that I'm not capable of fighting it anymore, and that no matter what happens, I will always want you in my life." I searched her face as uncertainty flashed across her beautiful features.
"Ryan, do you promise? Promise me," she begged as she leaned her forehead on mine. Her breath rushed over my face and I could literally taste how sweet she would be in her scent.
"I promise." I lowered my mouth and ghosted it over hers. My heart was thumping in my chest so fast I thought it would explode. This was the moment I'd waited for, for over three and a half years.
Her tongue came out to lick my upper lip and my breath left me in a rush, my body tightening in response.
I held her head with gentle hands as my mouth finally settled over hers. Our open mouths were soft and searching. It felt new and exciting, but also so right. Our lips knew exactly how to mirror each other and move in perfect unison. She sucked on my upper lip and then I sucked on her lower one. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
"Julia, my God," I groaned against her mouth as I gathered her close to me and lay her down on the bed. I moved over her and kissed her again and again. The nearness of her, what I'd been dreaming of for so long was finally within reach, but I wanted to take it slow, to savor every touch. "Kissing you is every bit as incredible as I've imagined it would be."
Her arms moved around my shoulders and into my hair as she pulled me closer. Knowing she wanted me, made me insane. I could feel the urgency in her body, as she surged against me, and I parted her legs with one of mine. This was a fantasy that I'd had a million times, and it was finally being fulfilled.
She felt so good, her body molding perfectly to mine. I ground my hardness against her and she moaned against my mouth. "Ryan, uhh..."
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“Uhhh, say it again," I begged against her mouth.
"Ryan..." she gasped before my mouth devoured hers again and again, and the friction of our bodies making us both breathless. I cupped her breast and my body swelled even more as I teased the peak until it strained in my hand. I had to taste her, and urgently pushed her shirt up to expose her bare breasts. She was perfect. Round and firm with erect pink nipples.
"You're so beautiful. I can't tell you how long I've wanted this." I groaned as I dragged my open mouth from hers, down over her neck and chest until it finally closed over one of her luscious nipples. Her back arched toward me and her hands wound in my hair as I pulled it into my mouth, suckling and flicking it with my tongue. I thrust against her hip, seeking the contact that I so desperately needed.
I had her writhing beneath me and desire for her drove me insane.
I moaned softly as her nipple popped from between my lips and I brushed her hair back off of her face. "Do you want me to stop? I don't want to do anything you don't want, baby."
She searched my face and reached up to flutter her finger tips across my jaw. "Ryan, I...I want you, but I'm scared of what will happen to us...later."
I kissed her nose and then her eyelids and cheeks before moving back to her mouth to tease it back into another deep kiss. I loved how she responded to me. It felt like she couldn't help herself and it was the sexiest thing I'd ever experienced.
Hearing her say she wanted me turned me on, beyond comprehension.
"I know; me too...but you feel so good, we fit so perfectly...I can feel your heart beating against mine. I can tell how amazing we'll be together."
Her hands moved up my chest and one of mine moved down between her legs never taking my eyes from her face. Her mouth fell open and her eyes closed as my hand rubbed her over her clothes. "God, Julia, you're so hot, you drive me crazy." Her body arched against my hand and my dick literally ached as it twitched against her hip. "I've wanted you, to touch you like this since the day we met."
"Why didn't you, then?" she moaned before she raised her head toward mine, clearly seeking my kiss. I was only too willing to oblige her as my mouth took hers again in a series of hot, wet kisses, our tongues laving and playing with each other.
Yes, why the fuck didn't I?
Her hand moved down to grasp around me and I was lost. "Julia...baby..."
There was a loud knocking on the door. "Ryan..." Aaron opened my door and came inside, the light in the hall flooding the room and blinding me. Julia tried to move away from me, but I held her where she was, shielding her so Aaron wouldn't see her behind my body. Her breathing was as heavy as mine as she looked up into my eyes.
"What is it, Aaron?" I struggled to keep my voice even.
"Um, Jen is sick and I can’t find the box with all of the medicine in it. Where is it?"
"I don't think I brought it in yet. It's in my car."
"She's puking in the bathroom, and I’m not dressed, so can you get the Pepto Bismol?"
Ugh! Of all nights for this to happen...shit! "Yeah. I'll be out in a minute."
"Thanks," Aaron mumbled and closed the door.
I gathered Julia close and kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, honey. I'll be right back." I pushed off the bed and hurried down the hall, grabbed my keys from the table by the door and ran outside. It was dark and I couldn't see what I was doing. It took a few minutes to find the box of supplies and I ended up hitting my head on the hatchback.
"Holy hell!"
It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch and I put my hand to my head to find the warm ooze on my temple.
"It looks like Jen isn't the only one who needs medical attention," I muttered to myself as I tried to avoid the rocks beneath my bare feet. "Shit."
Back inside, I set the box on the kitchen table and turned on the small light over the sink. Digging through it I found the stomach medicine and padded down the hall to Aaron and Jenna's room. I knocked and handed it to him when he opened the door.
"Thanks, man. I hope we didn't wake up Julia," he said.
"Uh, I don't know. I'll check on her. I hope Jen feels better." I said as I turned toward my room and wiped at the blood on my head. The wound was beginning to drip, but I wanted to let Julia know I'd be a few minutes more while I tended to the gash on my head.
"Julia...?" I whispered as I pushed open my bedroom door. I moved to the bed, but she wasn't there.
I walked back to the living room and found her laying back on the couch, covered up to her chin, so I went to kneel beside her. "I'm sorry it took me a while to find it..."
She looked at me and gasped. “Oh my God, Ryan! What happened?”
"I bashed my head on the hatchback."
Her hand came up to my forehead and she frowned. "It looks bad. Let's go into the kitchen so I can clean it up. You may need stitches." The concern in her voice was clear. "Come on." She got up and I followed her.
Julia motioned for me to sit down on a chair and then turned on the light over the sink. Julia arranged the kitchen when we unpacked so knew her way around. She took a towel out of the drawer and wet it before dabbing at the cut.
I winced at the pain. "Sorry, sweetie."
She worked to clean the wound, but all I could do was stare at her breasts rising and falling in an even rhythm with her breathing. Her breasts that not fifteen minutes before had been bare and underneath my tongue.
I felt my body spring back to life as I let my thoughts wander.
"It doesn't look like you'll need stitches, but you should have a butterfly bandage. Do you have any?" she asked.
"I think in this box." I shoved it toward her. "I thought I was the doctor here, but you're doing a damn good job." I smiled up at her as she placed the bandage on my forehead and placed a kiss next to it. Her lips felt so soft and warm against my skin.
My hands moved up to her hips and I drew her closer to me, tilting my head up to nuzzle her chin with my nose as she stood in front of me. "Hey..." I said softly
"Ryan...we should sleep. You have an important day tomorrow, and you're injured." She leaned her head on mine and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to have her here, in my arms, in my life...in my heart. Her hand fluttered along my jaw.
My head was starting to throb. As if she read my mind, she reached in the box behind me on the table, pulled out some Tylenol and handed it to me. She pulled away from me to get a glass of water.
I put two pills in my mouth and swallowed. "You always take such good care of me, baby." Setting the glass down, I pulled her to stand between my legs and wrapped her in my arms.
"Listen, Julia...the interruption just now was the biggest case of bad timing in my life, but I need you to trust me. What’s happening here is really us, okay? I don't want the light of day seeing you pull away from this."
She nodded silently and kissed me softly. When she moved away, my hands drew her back closer and I took her mouth harder, my tongue sliding into the warm recesses of her mouth as she opened to me. We kissed again until finally she pulled away.
"You need sleep, Ryan, okay?" I sighed and dropped my forehead to her shoulder.
"Will you sleep with me if I promise to be good?" I smiled up at her, but felt the sadness in my heart as I looked at the clock on the stove. It was 2:37 and she would need to leave by 7:30. My throat tightened as I held her close. I felt a huge loss at not being able to make love to her as I wanted, but more, the loss of her coming departure with all this uncertainty between us left a hole in my chest.
"Yeah, ok. I'm really going to miss you."
I pulled her close again and rubbed my hands up and down her back as her arms wrapped around my shoulders. It felt so great to hold her like this and know she wouldn't pull away. That she allowed me to touch her as a lover and not just a friend.
"Missing you is...I can't even talk about it. There are no words for how much it hurts."
I took her hand and shut off the light. She followed me down the hall to my room and we cr
awled into bed together. I reached for her under the covers and pulled her close. She snuggled into my shoulder and her arm slid around my waist.
I sighed and pressed a kiss to her temple. I felt content as I let myself fall asleep.
In what seemed like 5 minutes, the alarm was beeping and Julia was sitting up and running her hands through her hair before getting out of bed. Again, loss and panic rose in my chest. She wouldn't look at me as she hovered at the foot of the bed.
"Can you come here for a minute, please?" I asked uneasily. I didn't really know what was going on, but I needed to make sure we were okay.
She sat next to me and I reached for her.
"Are you upset about what happened between us last night?" I was terrified of her answer, but I had to ask.
She shrugged. "Not upset, exactly...I just worry..." I squeezed her hand. "Stop. I thought it was incredible and something I've wanted for a very long time. I wanted to finally make love to you, Julia. Please don't regret one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Please."
"I don't," she said softly as she gave me one of our nudges. "It felt amazing, but I'm scared... of the distance, scared of missing you more than I already will," her voice broke on the last word and she lifted her liquid green eyes to mine. "I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choices, turn down jobs I should take or any range of other stupid things. Maybe distract you from medical school when you need to focus."
"Don't worry about me. I'll do what I need to do, and nothing could make me miss you more than I already will. So can we just be us, and roll with this please?"
She nodded and I pulled her close to me. My eyes closed as love flooded through me. I wondered if I should tell her how I felt but didn't know if she was ready to hear the words. Last night was a huge step, even if we hadn’t made love.
"Just don't forget to remember me while we're apart. We'll work it out, Okay?"
"I could never forget you, Ryan," she said softly as she hugged me back and turned her head to kiss me. "You're burned into me forever."