by Kahlen Aymes
“It’s very personal…it’s just mine. I don’t really share it with anyone.”
Her gentle laughter joined mine. “I understand, but if you don’t want to push her memories, you probably should take it down for now. Julia will be in here, right?”
“Yes, I’m giving her my room and taking the couch. There are a lot of things I need to hide, I suppose: our music, her phone with our messages, the pictures.” I swallowed, trying to push down the sadness welling up inside my chest. “I feel so lost. Shit, I don’t even know if I can keep it all from her, even if I try. I don’t feel right about it.”
“Just take down the picture, Ryan. Put it in a drawer and don’t worry about all of it too much. Let what happens, happen. I understand you don’t want to nudge, but maybe you shouldn’t hide either.”
I nodded. She made sense. “I’ll play it by ear and see how she does. I’m scared, Mom. What if she never remembers me? I don’t know what I’ll do, if…”
She enfolded me in her arms. Mine were full, so I couldn’t hug her back, but her hand came to the back of my head and she kissed me on the cheek. “She will, honey. You’re unforgettable.”
“Oh, yeah? Who told you that?” I asked softly, trying to blink back the tears that suddenly burned my eyes.
“Julia.” I dropped the sheets and hugged her tight.
Ellie took charge and we had the place cleaned up in record time. She and Harris were leaving in the morning. Later, I was planning on ordering some food if Julia was up for it. Again, it was a risk, because it would be like the last few months at Stanford after Ellie started seeing Harris. It could cause her memory to flash, but Mom was right. I couldn’t control everything and wanted Julia to feel as normal as possible, even if I was unable to be myself. I couldn’t act like her lover, which would take concentration on my part. Everything about her called to me. She was so fragile, which pulled hard on my need to protect her.
The parents were all leaving on early evening flights. Marin and Paul were anxious about leaving Julia, but trusted me to take care of her. Marin was more of a wreck than Paul, but then, he knew me a lot better and had seen us together more.
We were meeting at the hospital; Aaron was taking them to Logan International and I was bringing Julia home.
When I arrived with my mother, Dad and Paul were waiting in the hallway outside Julia’s room. I felt nervous and giddy at the same time, which seemed insane after everything we’d been through.
“Hey,” I said. “What’s going on?”
“Dr. Brighton just finished examining Julia and she’s been cleared for discharge.” I nodded. Dr. Brighton called me with an update, so I already knew. “Marin is helping her change into street clothes.”
“Paul, thank you for being here; I know it meant a lot to Julia.”
Sadness filled his expression. “Thank you, Ryan. I was about to say the same to you.”
I looked him straight in the eye. “I promise to take good care of her.”
He reached out and patted my arm. “I know that, son.”
I turned toward my father. “Dad…” I began and felt my throat tighten up slightly, the gratitude I felt having him here to oversee Julia’s case rushed through every cell of my body. The constant rush of emotions was beginning to make me feel like a pussy, but there was no stopping it. “Thank you.”
He put his arms around me and I hugged him back. “Of course, Ryan. We all love Julia so much. Where else would we be when you needed us like this?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to move your practice to New York?” I laughed lightly as we drew apart.
“Ha! Your mother wouldn’t leave Chicago, even if I wanted to. Maybe someday you and Julia can move home.”
Paul laughed. “No way she’ll leave New York. Even though I’d love to see her closer to home, too, she’ll never leave her job! She loves that glamorous shit.” He hesitated before continuing. “Ryan, are you still planning on going to New York for your residency?”
“Um…yes, unless she objects. I can’t bear to be apart from her anymore, especially after this.” I hadn’t considered that she might feel it an intrusion now. “I guess I need to talk to her about it.” Dread washed over me as I drew in a deep breath.
“Ryan, stop. Julia will want you with her. Three months is a long time. Her memory will be back by then,” Paul reassured me. I tried to smile, but a cold sweat was breaking out on my forehead. I rubbed the back of my neck in agitation. “Ellie told me she talked to Julia’s boss. What was her name? Meredith?”
“Yes, Meredith,” I answered. “I asked Ellie to call since I was too much of a mess to deal with it at the time. She’s been great. It’s been a blessing. Julia can concentrate on getting better now and not worry about work.”
The door opened and one of the nurses came out, carrying a hospital gown. “All set! Dr. Brighton has released Julia. I’ll be back with a wheelchair,” she said, smiling as she passed.
I peered in and Julia was sitting on the bed in a pair of black yoga pants and a blue button down blouse. Her coat was lying near her, but she couldn’t wear it over the sling. She’d have to drape it over her shoulders.
The two women were deep in conversation. My stomach clenched, wondering if something had been mentioned about the baby. Two sets of tear-filled eyes turned to watch us all enter the room. Julia’s full lips trembled at the corners in a hint of sad smile.
“Ryan, you’re here.” Her eyes lit up and my heart leapt.
“Of course, I’m here. You’re stuck with me.” I smiled and glanced at her mother. “Hello Marin. How are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m just being a sap; sad about leaving my baby.” She used both hands to wipe away her tears.
“Mom, please,” Julia said under her breath and glanced up at me through cautious eyes, wiping at her tears with the back of her right hand. “I’m hardly a baby.”
“I agree,” I nudged her chin with my thumb. “Hardly.” I was rewarded with the rush of blood to her cheeks as they bloomed in response. Beautiful.
“So…what are you kids planning tonight?” Marin asked.
My mother moved around the room, gathering up Julia’s things and putting them in her overnight bag.
“Um…” I wrinkled my brow and shrugged. “Nothing strenuous. We’ll get Julia settled and then Ellie and Harris are coming for dinner.”
Julia’s eyebrows went up in speculation as she teased me. “Oh? Are you cooking, Matthews?” I was standing close to where she was sitting and she nudged me with her good shoulder. My heart stopped. It was our nudge and she used my last name. I’d felt that nudge hundreds of times and I smiled wide in elation at the familiar gesture. Subconsciously at least, she was still my Julia.
“Pfft! Never. If you were up to it, I’d make you do it, but as it is, we’ll order in.” Everyone burst out laughing.
The nurse showed up with the wheelchair and I stood back as Paul helped Julia into it. Every instinct told me to go to her, but he wanted and needed to help her as much as possible before he left Boston.
I wrapped my arm around my mother’s waist as we all followed them out. Marin walked beside Julia, holding her hand as I watched the nurse push her down the hall. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, and was thankful for all of these people who loved her so much.
Mom’s hand came up my back and her fingers closed around my nape, motherly adoration shining from her eyes. “You make me so proud, Ryan. Aaron, too. I couldn’t ask for better sons.”
“Mom, don’t get all mushy on me, now,” I teased. “I’m a mess as it is.”
“Give her a break, Ryan. It’s her prerogative to get mushy over her brilliant sons. Mine too,” Dad said with mock sternness.
We exited the revolving door as the nurse brought Julia out of the wheelchair entrance. Aaron was lounging against my car parked at the curb, a goofy grin plastered on his face.
“There she is!” Aaron boomed as he tossed me the keys and walked toward Julia. “How are you, itt
y bit? You look good. That shiner makes you look tough,” he teased. Her bruises were getting yellow and lightening, with only slight hints of the purplish blue showing through her translucent skin. Before long, the only tangible reminder would be her fractured ribs.
And the memory loss.
She smiled brightly. “I’m really good, Aaron. Thank you for letting me stay at the apartment.”
“I’d kick Ryan’s ass to the curb before I’d say no to having you, babe,” Aaron said enthusiastically and laughed. She smiled up at him, shook her head and glanced at me. I shot her a wink. “Hold onto me, Jules,” he said and lifted her easily out of the chair. She winced a little as he stood her gently on her feet. It was difficult for me to do nothing, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her. She needed space to say goodbye to her parents and to mine.
I watched as her parents hugged her goodbye. Marin sobbed until Paul pulled her away and she melted into his arms. My heart ached for Julia as silent tears slid down her face. My mother took her in her arms, crying along with the others.
I swallowed hard and looked at Aaron. He was looking at the ground, clearly moved as well. Dad brushed his fingers on Julia’s cheek softly. “You let me know if these boys give you any trouble, okay? I’ll kick them in the ass,” he teased. Julia burst out laughing through her tears, which made her wrap her good arm around her torso to minimize the pain. “I’m sorry, Julia,” my father said as he kissed her temple.
“No, it’s okay. Thank you; for everything.”
I moved up and opened the passenger door to my CRV. “Are you ready?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah,” her eyes were crystal clear and sparkling, the remnants of her tears still on her lashes.
I slid my arms around her to support her weight as she lowered herself into the car. “Thank you. I love you all,” she said as the car door closed.
Marin sobbed into my shoulder as we said goodbye. “I thank God for you, Ryan. Thank you for being here for Julia.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else. She’s my whole world. You know that,” I said quietly, so only she would hear. I shook Paul’s hand and hugged each one of my parents. “I hope to see you all in May for graduation, okay?” I couldn’t contain my anxiousness to slide into the car beside Julia and called out to Aaron. “Harris and Ellie are coming over at six. When will Jen be finished?”
“I think five, so we’ll be there. Enjoy the day, bro’. You’ve earned it,” he patted me on my back as I walked past him in front of my car.
“Thanks. Have safe flights and call us to let us know you’re home, please. I love you…all.”
Julia’s delicious scent surrounded me and I paused to take a deep breath. She looked at me expectantly and then turned to wave at the others on the curb.
My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as I started to pull away. I could feel her gaze like a physical touch. “What?” I asked.
Her eyes roamed over me, taking everything in, but she shook her head. “Are you okay? Are you sure you want to do this.”
“Julia, enough. Why would you ask that?”
“I’m a mess,” she complained.
“You can have a shower back at my place. You’ll just have to be careful of your injuries. If you want to wait, Jen will be home soon and can help you wash your hair.”
Julia frowned and looked away. “I feel like a damn invalid.”
“It’s only until your shoulder heals. You’ll be able to move more when the sling goes away.”
“Yeah, but these ribs. They hurt like hell.”
Frustration at being dependent flashed over her features. There was a time, just two weeks earlier, when she would’ve been fine leaning on me and letting me help her with the most personal tasks, but now, I needed Jen’s help. She and Aaron had been very gracious. We’d worked it out so Julia would never be alone, and the hospital had been accommodating in rearranging our shifts. It didn’t hurt that my advisor was Julia’s attending and chief of staff.
My phone rang and I pulled it out. Liza. Shit. I turned the phone off and shoved it back in my pocket as I drove.
“Ryan, you don’t have to stop your life just because I’m here. Take your calls. I’ll plug my ears.” Her soft smile lit up my life and I rolled my eyes at her.
“It’s just Liza. You know how she is.”
I stopped and glanced in her direction. She bit her lip and shook her head. “Nope. I don’t.”
“Uh, she’s just some chick that stalks me to help her study,” I said dismissively.
“Ah…” she murmured. I could sense her hesitation but knew her. The wheels were turning. I struggled with what to say and decided it was better not to say anything. “She wants to be more than a study partner?”
Shit. “I guess, yeah, but I have no interest at all. I never have. She’s been shamelessly chasing me since Gross Anatomy back in year one.”
Julia cocked her head and considered this for a moment. “That must really suck for you.” She was biting her lip to hold back a smile, but the dimples in her cheeks deepened. “I mean, having women chasing after you all the time. How utterly exhausting!” she teased. “You poor baby.”
“As a matter of fact, yes it does. It’s annoying as hell and her insipid excuses get more ridiculous all the time.”
“Why don’t you just say no?”
“Hmmph! I have! More times than I can count.”
“Surely there is something attractive about her. She must be smart if she’s at Harvard.”
How in the hell did this conversation land on that twit anyway? “Julia, she’s constantly professing her stupidity or lack of study skills to get me and probably ten other guys to help her. Honestly, I think she’s more lazy than horny. She doesn’t want to do the work and it’s easier to get someone else to do it for her.”
Her eyes widened and then she laughed. “Hmmm…you underestimate your pull, Matthews.”
I grinned. “Oh? Do tell.”
“Nope.” She popped her ‘P’ when she said it and looked out the window.
“Julia, come on. I broke my back sleeping in that fucking chair for a week for you; the least you can do is stroke my ego a little.”
“Like it needs stroking,” she scoffed. “The nurses were drooling over you constantly. I think they would have let me die, except then you wouldn’t be coming around anymore.” She rolled her beautiful eyes again. “Where’s Ryan? When’s Ryan coming in next?” she imitated them in a sing-song voice. “That’s all I heard all damn week!”
I burst out laughing. If I didn’t know better, she sounded jealous and I was fucking ecstatic. Even if she didn’t remember, she still wanted me.
“And? What did you tell them?” I asked, raising my eyebrows when we stopped at the light near my apartment.
“That I wasn’t in charge of your social calendar, but that their best bet of catching you was between one and four am,” she smirked mischievously.
I reached over and grabbed her hand in mine. “Sounds about right…”
She smirked as the light changed. “Ryan, you must have a girlfriend, don’t you?”
“Why do you think that? I’ve been very busy with school and my…friends.”
“Because. I just know you have one. You’re too good-looking not to.”
I huffed. Good. She still thinks I’m attractive, but how in the hell was I going to hide that she was my girlfriend? “Do you think you have a boyfriend?”
“No. If I did, he would have been with me at the hospital.”
“Yes, probably every minute.” I chewed the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling.
We pulled in and I parked in the back. After I helped her out of the car, she stopped me by putting her right hand on my chest and met my eyes, her expression serious. I left my arms around her.
“Don’t you think, as someone who shares food and cooties with you, you should tell me about your girlfriends? You said we were close, Ryan,” she admonished ruefully.
“Julia, there is no one
to tell you about!” Shit, that was about the closest I could get to telling her the truth. “Can we move on from this subject now? It’s boring the shit out of me.”
She looked hurt and I immediately regretted the shortness of my tone.
“I just thought…well, if it were me, I’d want to know if a strange woman was staying with you.”
I released her and pulled her bag out of the backseat, along with her purse, flinging both over one shoulder and wrapping the other arm around her waist to offer support as we walked slowly up the stairs and into the building.
“If it were you, we wouldn’t be having this ridiculous conversation. And you’re not some strange woman!” I said in exasperation. “Look, I only have time for school, work and you right now, so can we leave it at that? I promise not to bug the shit out of you about your boyfriends either.”
I opened the door and waited for her to go in. “That’s because you already know everything about me, Ryan. I’m trying to find out about you. I want to know you better.”
“If you knew me any better, we’d be the same damn person.”
She sucked in her breath. “Maybe that was true before, but that isn’t how it feels right now.” I opened the door to the apartment and pushed it open for her. She leaned up against the doorjam and looked at me until I used my arm to gesture her in.
I removed the coat from her shoulders as she walked past me, hanging it up in the entryway. She moved around the small apartment, taking in the large leather sofas that dominated the living room and the small kitchen with the wooden table, the archway that separated the living room from the kitchen and the brick fireplace.
“This is nice.”
“You and Ellie decorated everything. It’s as nice as it can possibly get. Jenna doesn’t have a head for that sort of thing. She’s more interested in football and rock music.”
“I like her. She’s very witty and smart. I like football and rock music, too.”
Yes, I know.
She was more distant after my last remark and I hated it. I walked up behind her and put both hands on her shoulders but careful of her injuries.