by Kahlen Aymes
Even though she fought it, I could see the pain behind her eyes. She bit her lip and ran her hand through her hair. “Are you leaving?” she said, the throb in her voice landed my heart in my stomach like a stone. “Are you mad at me? I didn’t mean…”
I considered what to say. Mad wasn’t the right word. Hurt, devastated, broken maybe, but any anger I had wasn’t directed at her. I cleared my throat, trying to get the emotions under control.
“No, I’m not mad, sweetheart.” I bent to kiss her forehead and then spoke against it. “I just…I’m gonna play the piano for a little bit. After that shit with Moore and then the dancing, I’m wound up pretty tight.” I brushed the back of my knuckles along her jaw and moved away to look in her eyes. She was so beautiful, literally breathtaking. It hurt to look at her. The sorrow, the pain…the want, all there for me to see.
She swallowed so hard I could see her throat constrict, but she nodded. “I’m sorry.”
I stopped in my attempt to turn from her. “Hey.” I nudged her chin up with my index finger. “Living so close like this, it’s bound to get tough. You’re incredibly beautiful and I’m only human. That’s why I haven’t been around as much. I thought it would make it easier. I’m sorry. I should have known you needed me.”
And…I’m so in love with you I am barely able to breathe. I want you so damn much I feel like I’m going to combust.
Her green eyes melted as she looked at me, leaning into me slightly. The warmth of her body seeping into mine made my desire even more pronounced. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and make love to her until she was breathless and spent. My cock was so engorged, that I thought it would pop the zipper on my pants. Throbbing, I yearned for the release that only Julia could give me. It felt like years since I’d held her naked body and buried myself deep within her soft heat.
“Should I leave? Go back to New York? Would it make it easier for you?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Julia, no. It’s just hard being this close to you, feeling like I do. Like I said…I’m only human.”
“So be human, then,” she almost moaned and my breath caught in my throat. I didn’t think I’d be able to speak without my emotions pouring out of me like rain, but couldn’t stay this close to her either. I was losing my grip on my closely guarded control. I brushed my knuckles against her cheek again.
“Baby, you know we can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.” I turned and walked down the hall to my room, shutting the door quietly behind me. I knew she was confused. Fuck, I was confused and it was rotten to leave her after what happened on the dance floor. I leaned up against the door, straining to hear what she was doing. There wasn’t a single sound.
I pushed away from the door, my body still burning from the events of the evening. My mind was, too. Filled with her taste, her smell, the feel of her softness pressed so intimately against me and those soul-shaking kisses.
Everything told me to just treat her like she was mine, like we were us, like it was fucking meant to be. She remembered the song, and maybe I hadn’t played fair, but Goddamn it! I wasn’t letting that little cocksucker try to move in on what was mine. I sucked in my breath, turning the knob slowly and then pulled it open a crack. I needed to know she was okay. The apartment was dark and so quiet.
Did she leave? I panicked, but then I heard the sound of her crying softly from the living room. I couldn’t stay away and quickly went down the hall. Julia was still in her dress, curled up on the couch and hugging a pillow tightly to her chest. I ached to comfort her, but what would I say? I wasn’t sure, but I had to say something. I sat on the floor next to the couch, turning toward her, needing to see her beautiful face.
“Go away,” she mumbled into the pillow and turned further so her back was to me. “Just…leave me alone, Ryan, please.”
I reached out a tentative hand toward her and started to rub her back. She tensed, but I kept up the massage with gentle fingers until finally she started to relax.
“Julia, there is nothing in the world I want less than to hurt you. I…” I wanted to tell her I loved her so damn bad. “I adore you. You know that, don’t you?”
“Then why are you doing this? Why won’t you tell me anything? It feels like you want me to know. It felt like you wanted me when we were dancing.” Her voice was trembling and my heart hurt for both of us.
I sighed heavily and hung my head. Leaning my elbow on the couch, I held my head with my hand, scooting closer.
“Will you turn around?” I asked very softly. “Julia, please.” Finally, she shifted slightly toward me and lowered the pillow. She had mascara tracks trailing down her cheeks and her eyes were still glassy. I reached out to brush her tears away with both of my thumbs, rubbing them across her skin again and again in slow strokes. “Yes. I wish I could tell you. And, I do want you. You felt how much.” I paused. “After tonight, it’s apparent to me that Moore has ulterior motives, so I don’t want to trust him, but he…obviously cares about you. I do think he believes that you need to remember on your own. On that at least, I trust him.”
“What could happen if you told me? What are you all afraid of?”
I looked into her eyes and brushed a tear-dampened tendril away from her face.
“If we try to trigger it, it could be too much and you’ll either never get your memory back or maybe you won’t forgive me. I couldn’t bear to lose you.”
“Forgive you for what?” She got the little crinkle above her nose as she frowned and shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
My brow dropped as I considered what to say. I looked down for a minute before answering, wondering how much I should tell her, but she deserved something. She was hurting and I couldn’t stand to see her tears. I swallowed and made myself meet her eyes. “For making you remember something that you want to forget.” I ran my hand over her shoulder and down her back. “Can you trust me? Believe me, there is nothing I want more on this earth than for you to remember, but we have to take things slowly. I will not hurt you in any way.”
“I know we loved each other, Ryan. Can’t you at least give me that much? Why does everyone insist that we’re only good friends? I feel that we’re so much more.”
“We were friends first, but yes…there was a lot more.” Her gaze was intense and sparkled in the moonlight coming through the window. “Please don’t push for more tonight, babe. I know this is hard, but it will all work out, my love.” Her eyes widened and she gasped. I reached out and ran a single finger along the side of her face, eyes dropping to her mouth. My thoughts went back to the kissing on the dance floor earlier. I wanted more so badly that my mouth went dry. “Yes. My love, okay?” She nodded so slightly I barely saw it, but her eyes filled with unshed tears that tugged at my weakened heart. “Always. Uhnggg,” I cleared my throat. “I need to go take a shower. Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?”
“With you? I want to be close to you.”
I stiffened and she sensed it. I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself around her, but it would be torture to stop there.
“Uhnnn, Julia,” I groaned. “I don’t think that’s wise, baby.”
She nodded with certain sadness to her expression. “Okay. I thought you were going to play the piano?”
“After my shower.” I wanted to hold her, to make love to her, to kiss her for hours. I was starving to touch her; the loneliness between us was like a raging storm. Just looking at her, I knew she felt it, too.
“Would it be okay if I listen for awhile?” she whispered and ran her fingers lightly along my jaw. I pressed my cheek into her hand, wanting to feel more of her touch.
So much for my needed time alone, but I need you more.
“Yes, please.” I smiled faintly and leaned in to kiss the side of her face, breathing in her scent as my eyes closed. Perfume, freesias, and Julia. “I’ll be out of the shower in a couple of minutes. If you want to take a bath when I’m done, I’ll wait for you to finish before I start playing. Yes?”
She nodded and ran a hand down my arm as I got to my feet, her fingers closing around mine as I moved away.
God, I love her. Being close to her like this was what I wanted, yet it was so painful. I went into the bathroom and stripped out of my clothes, hanging my shirt on the back of the door and letting my slacks and boxer briefs fall on the floor. I turned on the water.
My dick was still aching. I thought about trying to masturbate to take care of it, but it wasn’t just sexual tension. Yes, being near her, knowing how amazing we were together in bed and not being able to take her was torture, but more than that, I missed her. There was a deep sadness behind the wanting and trying to get myself off wouldn’t fulfill me. I doubted I’d even be able to come that way anyway. I needed Julia and only her. Wanted only her.
I stepped under the cold spray and gasped at the shock. I was tired and emotionally spent. As my erection relaxed, I turned the water warmer to ease the ache in the muscles of my back and neck. The stress of the long hours at the hospital, school obligations and this constant worry were slowly driving me insane. Normally, I’d lose myself in her softness, her velvet touch, her soothing words and her kisses. I missed those kisses almost more than anything else. Tonight on the dance floor practically had me undone.
“Jesus Christ!” I swore under my breath as I cranked the water back to ice cold and let it hit me straight in the face. I stood under the spray until I started to shiver.
Throwing open the shower door, I quickly grabbed a towel and immediately put it over my head and started rubbing vigorously. Thankfully, my body was back under control and I breathed a sigh of relief as I wrapped the towel around my waist and started the bath for Julia. I added some of the bath salts she loved, a remnant of the times she’d visited. My heart thumped at the memory of our many candlelit baths together. I rushed to put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, and then opened the door to my room, calling to her softly.
“Julia, I have the water running for you, honey.”
She hadn’t moved from the couch, but now she sat up and padded down the hall in her stocking feet. “Thank you.” She let her hand run across my midsection as she passed and even through the shirt, her touch burned. My stomach muscles tightened in reaction as she disappeared into the bathroom.
I ran my hands through my wet hair and sat down at my keyboard, contemplating what to play. It was obvious that music triggered her memory. I was trained in classical piano, but so much of the time, we’d picked contemporary tunes and sometimes she’d sing along. That was what I loved best. She had a wonderful singing voice that was mostly wasted in the confines of her bathroom. The corners of my mouth lifted slightly as I ran my hands over the keys in a series of chords just to warm up. I sat there in silence for minutes, listening to the sounds in the bathroom. The water sloshing had me aching to burst through the door and look upon her naked body, to touch her…to have her. My body quickened in desire.
I shook my head to clear it. Damn, Ryan. The music, remember?
This was a chance to hint without telling her facts of her life. I looked at the ceiling as I searched my brain for the right song. I knew. I began to play the soft, slow melody of one that she was very familiar with. In fact, it was one that she’d bought me the sheet music for because she wanted to hear me play. It was a simple tune, but the lyrics were powerful.
I should have known I couldn’t play this song without choking up. I closed my eyes, and let my fingers find the melody, losing myself in my memories. My throat tightened; my heart beating heavily inside my chest. The bathroom door opened quietly, startling me from my thoughts and my hands paused over the keys. Julia came in wearing only the shirt I’d left on the back of the bathroom door. I was stunned by her simple beauty with her hair piled on top of her head, and the top buttons left open to just below her breasts, leaving the curves bare to my view. My fingers ached to reach out and touch her, to draw her to me, but I forced myself to resume playing as she moved toward the bed behind me, out of my eye line.
She didn’t speak, only sat listening. My mind raced, wondering if she recognized the song. I didn’t hear her come up behind me, but her fingers wound through my hair and her other hand rested on my shoulder. It was all I could do not to lean back into her softness and feel her soft curves against me. I drew in a shaky breath as her mouth opened on the skin at my nape, her tongue licking my skin as she drew away.
“Will you play it again, Ryan? It’s so haunting and beautiful…” she said softly, her lips ghosting over me. I could feel her breath rush over my neck and ear.
I was helpless under her touch. What could I do but bend to her will? I nodded and began the song again as she moved carefully to my side and straddled the bench facing me, the white shirt tails pooling between her firm thighs. I glanced toward her as the music began. Julia leaned her forehead on my shoulder, one hand resting on my bicep. My head snapped to the side when she began to sing the lyrics, her other hand rubbed up and down my back.
I was dying. The words were so powerful and her voice caressing; feeling her so close and having her hands on me was like a religious experience. It was all I could do to keep my shaking hands on the keys.
When the last notes faded, we remained on the bench, her head still resting against me. I kissed her hair and then she moved her forehead slowly back and forth against the muscle of my shoulder.
“Do you remember anything about that song? Other than the lyrics?” I asked in a husky whisper, my lips still up against the top of her head. She smelled so enticing and my body stirred anew, but her nearness was something I had to have.
“Yes. I gave you that sheet music, right?”
My heart leapt. “Uh huh. We’ve done this before. I play, you sing.” I brought my arm up and around her, pulling her closer. “Are you okay?”
“No,” she began. “I don’t think I am.” Her voice was weak and shaking. I wasn’t sure if it was from sadness or desire.
“Julia, what can I do to make this easier?”
She shrugged but didn’t raise her head and her hand reached out to slide down my thigh to the inside of my knee.
“Tonight, dancing…it felt so right to be in your arms, Ryan. I want more.”
I closed my eyes. I want more too, but I don’t know if I can stop there.
My hand slid up her back, to the back of her head and I laced my fingers through her hair. “Julia…” I breathed.
She drew in a shaky breath, and her voice trembled. My body betrayed me and I started to shake, even though I struggled to hold it in.
“Ryan, I want you to touch me. You make me…” She stopped, and squeezed my thigh, bringing her head up to meet my eyes. “I want…I mean, when I’m near you I’m just…” Her lids dropped halfway down and her mouth parted. I could see the same desire in her face that I’d seen a thousand times. I knew exactly what she was trying to say even though she was struggling with the words. “I’m just…”
“Fucking vibrating?” I asked with a groan.
“Yes,” she answered without hesitation. “Will you touch me?” She took my hand and lifted it to her breast and tried to arch into it. The movement still caused her pain. Her eyes closed and she bit her lip. I let my hand slide across the side curve of the soft flesh, over the fabric of my shirt and she let out a small mewling moan. My body surged in response.
I turned and slid my arms around her fully, under her legs, turning her so she was straddling my lap, facing me, but careful not to hurt her. My muscles flexed but she was so small, I took her weight easily.
“You’re so strong,” she whispered, her nose nuzzling mine and her little hands moving up my chest over my shoulders. Her lips were parted and her sweet breath rushed hotly across my face. My body swelled even more and tented my sweatpants. There was no hiding my desire and I didn’t want to. She needed to know how much I wanted her. I stared into her deep green eyes and then rested my forehead on hers.
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” I breathed a
nd pushed the loose tendrils off of the left side of her face. I bent to kiss where her head injury had been, dragging my lips across her cheekbone and down to her jaw. “Julia,” I whispered against her silken skin. “God, I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. You smell so good.”
Her head fell back and she moaned. “Uhhhhh…”
My left hand raked down her back toward her rear and even though I knew I’d find nothing underneath, I was still gasping as my hand wrapped around her bare butt cheek. I pulled her closer, as I placed wet, open-mouth kisses along the curve of her neck. When her hands slid into my hair, her fingers grasping and tugging, I was lost. My lips found hers in a hungry kiss, my tongue never hesitating to bury itself in the warm recesses of her mouth.
Oh my God. She kissed me back with everything she had, our mouths feasting and sucking on each other like we would never stop. Both of my arms pulled her closer and I could feel the heat coming off of her core and seeping through my sweats.
“Uhnnnn, God, Julia,” I moaned when she winced slightly. “Baby, we can’t. You’re body isn’t healed enough yet.” My mouth hovered over hers, not wanting to lose the contact. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s worth the pain, Ryan. Please. I’m…dying.” My breath left me in a rush as her lips reached for mine again. I kissed her back, more softly this time. There was nothing that would make me hurt her. No matter how my body was aching or how much I wanted her.
Something that sounded like a sob erupted and her hands slid down my chest, massaging the muscles. “I’ve wanted to touch you like this, Ryan. You’re so beautiful.”
“Julia…you don’t know what you do to me,” I groaned as one of her hands closed around my cock through my sweats. My head dropped to her shoulder as she squeezed and pulled a few times up and down the shaft, moving her thumb across the head when she got to the top. “Stop, I can’t take it,” I begged, but she only repeated the motion. “Ugh…”