by Kahlen Aymes
“Nope, but we almost never missed this time together. Sometimes it had to be on the phone, but it was still our time to catch up and talk about our week. When I started working more hours it was harder. The last year has been rough.”
“Ryan,” I began. I took a sip of my coffee and then continued in a lowered tone. “Last night, I felt so close to you. Was this last year different than that?”
“No. We just didn’t see each other as much as we wanted, sweetheart. My obligations here and your job were so demanding; we just couldn’t get together as much as we wanted, but it didn’t change things between us.”
“I’ve been trying so hard to remember my job at the magazine and all I can get are a few names and faces.”
“Yeah? Who?” He sat back in his chair and his eyes narrowed slightly.
“Andrea, Meredith and this guy named Mike Turner. Do you know them?”
He looked at me and tossed the last bite of his sandwich back on his plate. “Andrea is your red-headed assistant; perky personality and very bright. I like her a lot. Meredith’s your boss; a little too viper for my tastes. She’s ruthless, but she adores you.” He stopped and picked up his coffee, not continuing on to Mike and I smiled. He was so jealous. I adored that about him. It made my inner vixen squeal in delight.
“And Mike?” I prodded gently before picking a piece of my sandwich off and popping it in my mouth.
“He’s a photographer you worked with sometimes. He’s a smarmy bastard, at best. Hmmph!”
I couldn’t stop the bubble of laughter that burst out of my chest, almost causing me to choke on my food and sending a shot of pain through my ribs. It was still enough to make me cringe. “Smarmy,” I repeated matter-of-factly, sending a smart-ass smirk in his direction.
“You forgot bastard.” He joined in my laughter.
“Oh, sorry. How remiss of me.” I bit my lip to stop the smirk. “So, I guess my job is pretty big if I have an assistant? I wish I could remember. Is there anything you can show me? The pictures of you helped so maybe there’s something about my job?”
“I do have one thing I can show you. But, later. Let’s go for a walk or something now. I’ll give you a piggyback ride.” His white teeth flashed and his eyes crinkled in a beautiful smile. “I’m feeling very fine today.”
“And that offer is one I can’t refuse, although I can walk, Ryan.”
“Don’t argue, Abbott.” He pulled me up and out the door, both of us laughing happily.
When we returned, Ryan showed me the photo that I’d given him the same Christmas he gave me the bracelet. I was stunned and it did help make connections to my job. The picture taken by Mike Turner while I worked at Vogue was sexy, but demure. I was mostly covered, but the expression on my face was…intense. Ryan lovingly ran his hand over the image and then hung it on the abandoned nail above his desk. I’d wondered what went there.
The day had been magical and now I missed him. Every second with him filled my heart to bursting. I almost felt silly, the giddiness reminiscent of a first high school crush. My face hurt, I couldn’t stop smiling and it didn’t go unnoticed by Jenna. She kept staring at me and laughing.
I was working in the kitchen cleaning up and getting ready to make dinner for Jenna and myself and a treat for the guys for later that night when they got back. “What?” I asked her, already knowing the answer.
“What happened last night? I see the jewelry is back.”
“Yes. They’re so beautiful. Exactly what I would have chosen. Did Ryan pick these out himself?”
Jen grunted as she planted herself on one of the stools. I grabbed two Cokes from the refrigerator and sat one down in front of her. “I’d love to say no…I mean, how perfect can that fucker be, anyway?” she giggled and popped the tab on her soda.
“Yes. He’s amazing. Jen, he leaves me…just breathless.”
“Well, I see nothing’s changed,” she scoffed and pursed her lips. “You’re both so into each other it’s ridiculous.”
I smiled even wider and poured my Coke over ice. “That’s my wish. That nothing will change. I can’t remember everything yet, but I want us to be just like we were. For Ryan’s sake.”
“You will. He was so happy today. You guys must have done the nasty last night, hmmm?” She lifted her eyebrow at me and her lips twitched with a teasing smile.
“Not exactly.” I blushed despite myself.
“Well something sure as shit happened. Spill already.”
“He played piano for me. I sang to him…you know.” I shrugged a little.
“He made love to you, Julia. Admit it. It’s written all over you. Aaron and I have been hoping it would happen. Ryan’s been so worried. He was wound tighter than a drum on the way to the hotel. I thought he was going to beat the living shit out of Dr. Moore.”
My insides did somersaults. “We didn’t make love like that. He was afraid to hurt me, but we did make out a little bit. Ryan…melts me.”
“Yeah. It was obvious how hot you were for each other. Aaron tried to bet Spence five bucks that you’d dry hump in the cab on the way home. You should have seen his face! I was dying.”
She giggled but I was laughing so hard my eyes watered. “He did not!” When she nodded, I continued taking out the mixer, a bowl and some of the ingredients for the cake I was making. “Aaron cracks me up! I feel sorry for Spence, though.”
“Julia, he deserved what he got. You don’t think he was just being a good doctor, do you? I wish I would have been there for Ryan’s little talk. Aaron said it was…wow.”
My eyes widened, anxious to hear the story. I almost felt guilty at the pleasure it gave me. “Really? What did he say?”
“Basically, to keep his hands off because you belonged to him, and he would tell you everything rather than risk losing you to, not sure what the term was exactly…a ‘piss ant or son-of-bitch.’” She shrugged with a smile. “Something like that.”
Ryan would tell me everything? What exactly was everything?
I leaned on the counter facing her. “He’s possessive. Why does that make me so friggin’ happy?”
“Because Caveman Ryan is hot.”
I giggled and resumed my work. “Are you kidding? Every Ryan is hot. How in the hell could I resist him for all those years?”
“Beats the hell out of me. Ellie and I thought you were nuts.” She shook her head with raised brows.
“You’ve got a great guy, too, Jen. Aaron is sweet and I can see how much he loves you.”
“Yeah. I’m sort of surprised he hasn’t asked me to marry him yet. We don’t even talk about it.” Her voice fell slightly and suddenly the beautiful ring on my finger felt heavy. I felt bad for her. Here I was, flashing a huge rock and I didn’t even know how long I’d been engaged.
“I’m sure he will, soon. I’m not even sure how long Ryan and I…or how he proposed. It makes me sad that I’ve forgotten so many important moments, but I’m happy that he loves me. You should feel that way, too. You know Aaron loves you, right?”
“Yes. He’ll probably get around to it. If he doesn’t, I’ll have to kick him in the ass.”
“In what way?”
“You know…shake his cage a little. He’s not the only damn man in Boston. Maybe he needs a wake-up call.”
I eyed her skeptically. “Jen, really? You’d do that?”
“Just watch me,” she said sternly. “I’ll show him good.”
My heart ached for her. For some reason, the sixth sense about Ryan left me confident that I wouldn’t have to resort to playing games if we were in that situation. “Maybe you should just talk to him,” I suggested gently.
“Aaron’s motivated by actions and graduation is coming. Something’s gotta give.”
I was already mixing the batter of the chocolate cake and she stuck her finger in for a taste and she shook her head.
“What?”
“You and Ryan.” She rolled her eyes, trying to lighten the mood. “Just unreal.” She licked her
fingers and left me in the kitchen alone. “I think I’m jealous,” she said as she disappeared into her room.
RYAN~
It was after midnight and Aaron was still at the hospital. I left on time because I wanted to get back to Julia. What a great day! We talked, we laughed and we held onto each other for hours. Seeing her so relaxed and happy had been a balm to my sore heart and it didn’t hurt that she was beginning to remember more.
Last night was incredibly sexy. I want more.
My body throbbed at the thought.
I wanted her as much as ever and, if possible, I loved her even more. Nothing mattered but being with her. I needed to talk to her about my residency in New York, unsure what she was thinking. One thing I knew for sure, I was done being away from her. If Meredith asked her to go to Paris again, I’d do everything possible to convince her not to go. If I had to whisk her away and marry her on some deserted island, I’d do so without hesitation.
The apartment was dark, only a small light over the stove left on. The girls were both in bed and I glanced at the couch, hoping to God that Julia was in my bed; waiting. I smiled. It would even be better if she were naked, even if I was too tired to make love; I still wanted to feel her skin next to mine. The closeness was my contentment in the chaos of all that had happened. I scratched my stomach through my scrubs as I went into the kitchen. There was a note on the table and I smiled. Julia. My beautiful Julia.
I picked it up and flipped it open, holding it over the stove into the light.
R
Thinking of you today. Dreaming of you now. Surprise in the fridge.
Yours,
-J
Sitting on the top shelf was a gorgeous Black Forest cake. Mmmm…my stomach grumbled and I opened the cupboard and took out a plate. I retrieved a fork and knife from the silverware drawer and pulled the cake and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. God, she’s so good to me, I thought as I cut a thick slice of the cake and took it to the table.
It was insanely delicious. The perfect blend of chocolate, liquor and cream. Not too sweet, simply amazing. I was about halfway through with it, lost in my memories of Julia and the time we smashed cake all over each other before my move to Boston. I smiled to myself. They were such good memories, even though the separation had been imminent. We were on the verge of admitting our feelings, and even though those years as her friend required an iron will, I wouldn’t change one minute of my time with her. Other than the accident and the loss of our baby…I set the fork down and ran a hand over the scruff on my jaw, wondering if I should shave before crawling into bed with her.
“Ahhhhhh! Watch out! Oh, my God! Stop!” Julia suddenly screamed from my bedroom, the sound piercing the silence like a knife. Panic seized my chest as I jumped and ran down the hall, bursting through the door. It was pitch black and I could barely make out her small form rolled into a ball in the middle of my bed. She was clutching at her middle and crying frantically.
I dropped to my knees beside the bed and enfolded her in my arms. “Julia, I’m here. I’m with you. You’re having a bad dream, love.”
“It hurts! It hurts…oh God, it hurts,” she sobbed.
Jen popped her head around the corner. “Is she okay?” she asked softly.
I shook my head and Jenna discretely left us.
My heart stopped. Julia was dreaming of the car crash. “Shh…my love. It’s over now. You’re okay and I’m with you. I’ll always be with you, Julia.”
Her arms wrapped around my neck and she sobbed into the curve of my shoulder. “Ryan…it hurts so much.” I held her for a long time until she stopped sobbing and released her long enough to strip out of my clothes and get into bed next to her.
She curled her warm body into me, her leg sliding between mine and her arm around my waist. I kissed the top of her head as she fell back into a deep sleep but I was worried sick and my mind was racing.
What would she remember in the morning…and what caused the damned nightmare? What has changed?
I racked my brain and then it hit me. In the last 24 hours I’d let myself love her, tell her things and show her how close we really were. I’d allowed myself to hope that she’d remember without much pain, but obviously, based on the nightmare, that was shot to hell.
We need to take it slower, even though that isn’t what she wants. My heart ached at the notion and my hands smoothed over the velvet skin on her arm. I closed my eyes against the pain rushing through me.
Ugh. Just when I felt like I was getting her back again…
I struggled back and forth with it. I needed to see if she remembered the nightmare, and I didn’t want to hurt her more. What was I to do? Did I have a choice?
Distancing would confuse and hurt her and put me in hell as well. Whether Julia remembered the loss of the baby or I pulled back, she would suffer. Loving her and putting her first, I chose what I thought would be the lesser of two evils. It was going to kill me to do it, but, we had to take a step back. I wasn’t strong enough to pull away completely, but I had to be careful with her. She was expecting that we’d let it happen now, and Jesus, I wanted it, too. There had to be a way to slow things down without pushing her away completely. How could I protect her from the loss of our baby? How could I protect us both?
I knew it wasn’t possible and it was only a matter of time. But, when?
“Ryan…stay with me,” she whispered without knowing it. I turned her more fully into my arms and placed a soft kiss on her sleeping mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the pain swelling in my throat. My eyes burned as what felt like two steel bands wrapped my chest, preventing my lungs from expanding.
“I love you, Julia.” My heart was aching. “Don’t forget that I love you. So much.”
Chapter 8
Julia~
The distant Ryan was back and sadness hung over us worse than before. Now I knew what I’d been missing, and even though we talked and he was loving, we didn’t spend time together. He didn’t touch me as much and he’d only slept with me on Wednesday night. When I felt his warmth seep into me and his arms wrapped around me as he pulled me close in an exhausted sleep, I thought I was dreaming. I snuggled in closer and placed a soft kiss on his mouth but he didn’t wake up.
Most nights, he didn’t even come back to the apartment until after I was already in bed. I was taking the pain pills again. Not because I was in that much pain, but because it was the only way I could sleep. It had to stop…something had to give.
I remembered more about college, Aaron and Jen, and sometimes with Ryan, but still it wasn’t enough. The biggest abyss was the space Ryan had just vacated. Those brief hours…one day of really knowing…left me wanting like never before.
After our coffee talk, more about my job came back. I called Meredith and asked if I still had a job.
“Pfffft. What do you think, Julia? Of course. What about Paris?” she asked, astonished at my uncertainty.
Paris. It flooded back and I had mixed emotions about that decision. Elation and despair all rolled up together. Leaving Ryan…had I seriously considered that? Was I insane? I gasped and sank to the couch when my legs started to shake, putting out a hand to keep from falling.
“Uh, I’m not sure, Meredith. Actually, I hadn’t really thought about it.” It was the truth. “Can I have a couple more weeks? I just need to figure things out.” If Ryan was going to keep his distance, I could show him the meaning of the word. My heart constricted painfully and I closed my eyes. There was no way I would consider it, even the prospect of New York without him, hurt.
“Sure, doll, don’t worry about it,” Meredith insisted. “Andrea’s doing a damn good job of holding things together. You might want to give her a call, and you’ll need to give her a raise.”
I laughed without much enthusiasm, still shaken up a bit. “Okay. I’ll definitely do that. So big, my boss will chew me a new ass for going over budget.” I tried to joke, but it fell flat.
“As long as you make it up
somewhere else, I don’t give a damn!” she retorted.
We talked a little more about the next few months’ issues. It helped me organize the chaos of the jumbled up memories. Getting back to work would be just what I needed. I’d had enough of this life of leisure. It gave me too much time to think and wonder about the future.
There was nothing worse than missing him when he was so damn close. The week since the nightmare felt like forever. I almost rummaged through Ryan’s room for clues to our past. I resisted, but only barely. Despite the way he was acting, I couldn’t betray his trust. I sighed and threw my head against the back of the chair. I was positive there was nothing that he wouldn’t want me to see; if the situation were normal, but now it would push my memory and he’d be upset. I trusted him and loved him with everything I had.
I wish that was enough. Breathing literally hurt as I leaned both of my elbows on his desk. I reluctantly got up and gathered my clothes for the day. The hours dragged, stretching in front of me endlessly. Not knowing if I’d even see Ryan made it worse and my heart dropped.
I finished getting dressed; pulling on dark jeans and a light pink pullover, then applied light make-up. It was Saturday and as I padded down the hall toward the kitchen, I heard Aaron saying goodbye to Jen. Ryan was already gone.
“Love ya, babe. Have a nice day off,” Aaron said and kissed Jen lightly. He waved before opening the door. “Bye, Jules.”
“See ya,” I answered.
I threaded both hands through my long hair in frustration and flopped on the couch. I didn’t turn on the television; I didn’t look out the window. The room blurred and my throat ached. I felt helpless and I had no control of anything. Not my memory, not my relationship with Ryan…nothing.
Jenna handed me a cup of coffee. “Here, honey,” she said and took a seat in one of the chairs to my right. “How do you feel?”