by Kahlen Aymes
“Just cool it with Jane, and try to make sure Julia knows she’s the most important woman in your life.”
“I do already. Jesus.”
“Listen, you hard-headed son-of-a bitch,” Aaron rasped out. “Don’t forget what Julia went through when you were on lockdown in the hospital that night. She thought you might have been killed. She’s the one who loves you, and has the most to lose if something happened to you. So wise the fuck up, Ryan. Julia went through it too. Just in a different way. She needs you. Jane may have saved you, but Julia almost lost you, and she’s probably afraid she’s losing you all over again.”
I stood there, stone still and listened to my brother’s wise words. Words that ate away like acid in my gut. My heart broke that Julia could doubt my love or devotion for a single minute, but maybe he was right. “Fuck, when did you turn into a woman?” I tried to smile but didn’t quite get the job done. I was tired, and my chest ached.
Aaron chuckled. “Just think about what I said.”
I ran my hand through my hair, and heard the door to the spare room open slowly.
“Um, Aaron, I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow. I think I hear Jules.”
“Okay, man. Don’t fuck this up, Ryan. I won’t be able to live with your sorry ass if she leaves you.”
“I won’t. Thanks, man. Bye.” My heart thudded in my chest as I watched Julia walk slowly toward me, still dressed in one of my T-shirts. It hung loosely over her small form, leaving a long expanse of her legs completely bare. Her eyes were dark and sad as she looked up at me, leaving me aching to touch her and pull her close. I threw the phone down on the couch not caring where it landed.
“That was just Aaron.” I said quickly, making sure she knew I wasn’t speaking to Jane again. She nodded but didn’t say anything. Still, I waited.
Finally, she reached for my hand and our fingers threaded together. I let my other one move up to cup her face in a gentle caress. Her cheek and the hair around her face were still damp, but this time from her tears, not her shower.
“I can’t sleep without you,” she whispered softly. Instantly, I enfolded her in a tight embrace and my lips came down on the top of her head as her arms wound around my waist. I was shirtless and her hands moved up my back as she pressed her cheek to my chest.
“Oh, babe, me either.” I turned her back toward our bedroom.
We walked, arms wrapped around each other, down the hallway to our room and wordlessly moved to the edge of the bed. She crawled in ahead of me, and I dropped my pajama bottoms before lying down and pulling her next to me. She snuggled in close, our legs entwining. I had one arm around her back, and Julia rested her head in the crook of my shoulder, her fingers softly rubbing my chest. I reached up and grabbed her hand, pressing it down over my heart. I hoped she could feel it beating and know that, without her, it would surely stop. I held onto her for dear life and turned my face into her sweet smelling hair. “I can’t stand it when you pull away from me…”
“It… hurts. I know what’s going on with Jane, but I just… I can’t help it,” she said into the darkness. The ache in her voice was unmistakable and it weighed heavily on my heart. I couldn’t see her face because it was nestled into the curve of my neck, but I knew her brow would be furrowed and exactly the pain I would find on her features. “And then I feel ashamed.”
“Julia. You know that nothing will come between us. I just feel sorry for this girl, and grateful. She bought us some time during a scary situation, and I feel responsible, that’s all.”
“I know… me, too.”
I could feel her nod slightly against my chest.
“But it still hurts that you give so much of your time to her. Hearing the tender tone in your voice when you speak to her,” Julia’s voice thickened. “That’s how you speak to me. And I hardly see you now. She talks to you more than I do, and I guess… it’s just, we get so little time together; I wanted tonight. I know it’s selfish, but I’m jealous. I don’t mean to be, but it hurts so much that she gets so much of you.”
My arms tightened around her and I rolled us over until she was beneath me, so I could look into her face. I wanted her to feel engulfed by me, to physically feel the weight of my words and the love behind them. I studied her shadowed features and then smoothed the frown from between her brows with my thumb.
“Hey, she gets my friendship and that’s it.” I looked seriously into the green depths that were glistening as she fought back the tears. Her throat moved as she swallowed. “I can’t believe you don’t know that nothing will ever come between us. I love you more than life, and I know you feel that,” I whispered against her skin and kissed her cheekbone with gentle lips. I tasted the salt of her silent tears on my tongue. I could feel her nod against me. “Then what’s this all about?” My mouth found hers softly, and it sprung to life underneath mine, opening, seeking more pressure, which I was only too happy to give her. “You’re it for me,” I said breathlessly between the kisses that were growing deeper and more and more passionate. “I don’t ever want to be without you, and I never want a locked door between us again,” I groaned into her mouth as she sucked my tongue in and surged her hips against mine. I was rock hard and ready, just as I was each time we touched. I moved against her, creating the delicious friction we both craved. If I just moved a fraction of an inch, I could be deep inside her. “Not being able to get to you is the worst thing you can do to me. Nothing can separate us, Julia. Ever.”
My hands were holding both sides of her head, and her fingers were wound in my hair as we kissed hungrily, the passion between us was palpable. Part of me wanted to remove my shirt from her body, to kiss all over her, and another part of me was so damn hungry and desperate to claim her and reassure myself that she belonged to me, that I needed to be inside her immediately.
“Ugnnhhhh…” she moaned, when I could hold back no longer, I slid deeply into her. She was hot and wet as I pushed into her, hard. Over and over, I thrust into her as I continued to kiss her hungrily. Our mouths were mating like our bodies, a hot mash-up of frenzy and reverent worship. I would never get enough of her love. Her jealousy made my heart tighten and fill. If I didn’t already know she loved me beyond possibility, she showed me over and over. I moved my hips in circles, pressing into her pubic bone to stimulate her clitoris and when I felt her clenching around me each time I pounded into her, I knew I was hitting the mark. I wanted to see her come. The little mewling sounds she was making deep within her throat were driving me wild with desire.
“Oh God, Julia.” I punctuated my words with my hard thrusts into her. “You’re all I want. You’re all I ever need.” We were both frantic in our lovemaking; her tears were still on my tongue as I kissed her over and over. “Tell me you know that. Tell me that you know how much I fucking love you.”
“I know it, Ryan,” she gasped against my mouth, “Uhh, uhh, uhh,” her breath rushed out each time I pushed into her, filling her to the hilt. “Uhh, I love you, too. So much.”
“Baby, I know. I know, Julia.” She was clenching and releasing each time I moved in her, and it was killing me. “Julia, baby, I need to hear you. Jesus, I can feel you getting close,” I said just before I crushed her mouth beneath mine, hungry to taste her again, to be completely lost in her. All of my senses were overwhelmed.
She whimpered into me as I felt the trembles start to overtake her, and I let myself explode into her little body. Thrusting in as deep as I could, and deeper as she raised her knees even higher around my waist. “Uhhhhhhh…. Julia, uhhhhhh,” I grunted as I came hard, pushing in as deep as I could get.
We lay entwined like that, my face buried in her hair as we both struggled for breath. Her hands were gentle now as she stroked my back, over my neck, and up in my hair. She sent little tingles down my spine as her fingers stroked over and over. I couldn’t help but hope we’d conceived.
“So incredible,” I whispered against her mouth and then licked her upper lip with my tongue before she tilted
her head and sucked my top lip in to nibble at it softly. I felt my heart squeeze in my chest as I pushed her damp hair off of her beautiful face and nuzzled against her cheek, very softly. “You’re so beautiful, and I love you. There is no way I’ll ever let anything destroy this.”
“I know you love me, Ryan. But every minute you spend with her is a minute you’re not with me. I know it’s selfish, and I feel shitty about it, but it feels like you’re giving her something that belongs to me, and I don’t have anything to say about it. I don’t want to lose any part of you.” Her eyes closed and tears squeezed out from under her lids, and I sucked in air until my lungs couldn’t hold anymore. How could she think that there would ever be anyone that could touch the way I felt about her? “What we have is so special, Ryan.”
“So, why are you worried? You have every right to feel that way, but it’s needless. Whenever you have these doubts, please remember that you are everything to me. Everything. If I had to die to prove it to you, I’d die.”
Her arms tightened, her fingers pulled at my flesh, and she gasped. Her voice was full of tears. “Don’t say that,” she begged. “Please don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. Nothing matters more than you.”
On Monday morning, I went into the hospital with purpose. I would find Jane and try to explain the situation with Julia. Saturday had been an amazing, slow-paced day spent grocery shopping, working out, and making Christmas cookies. It reminded me of the more carefree time at Stanford, when we were inseparable, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Julia carefully packed up boxes for both sets of parents, Aaron and Jenna, and of course, Ellie. Her face showed her sadness as she made a separate package for Harris. I knew what she was thinking and simply wrapped my arms around her from behind and rested my head on her shoulder while she wrote the address on the box with a Sharpie marker.
“I think this is fun. Who needs to spend loads of money on Christmas? It’s been a great day.” I cocked my head to kiss the skin behind her ear, and she sighed softly, pushing the box away and turning in my arms. What began as a soft kiss, turned into a passionate lovemaking session that lasted the rest of the afternoon and on into the evening. Afterward, we were both starving, so I started a fire while Julia ordered Chinese delivery. We planned to wrap up together on the couch and watch a movie for the rest of the night.
The day had been perfect except for three awkward moments. My pager went of twice, and then Jane called my personal cell. In light of what happened on Friday night, Julia visibly stiffened when it rang around 9 PM. My parents had called earlier, and I’d answered, so when I shut it down instead of picking up, the reason was obvious. I hadn’t done anything to cross the line with Jane anyway, but still, I felt guilty, and that pissed me off. The day had been close to perfect, although I pushed down the part of me that was still mad that Julia would feel even the least bit insecure. As far as I was concerned, nothing had changed between us, and she needed to just see my friendship with Jane for what it was.
After the call, something shifted, and the closeness of the day disappeared in a puff of smoke. We went to bed in an uncomfortable silence, both of us hardly speaking. I was torn between not wanting to make things worse and shouting that she was crazy to feel insecure at all. In the end, I shut my mouth, because the night before, she’d asked me to keep the topic of Jane out of our bedroom, but not being able to talk to Julia about anything and everything did not sit well. I could feel her mind working, even in the dark, wondering why Jane had my personal number. I didn’t sleep very well, to say the least.
This morning, Julia left early, leaving me a note that she had a breakfast meeting with Meredith, who was in New York for the week. My anger softened when I saw the plate of treats she’d left for me to share at the hospital. It was an obvious white flag. I huffed in amusement. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the gesture. At heart, Julia was the most generous and giving person I’d ever known.
I pulled one of my favorite cranberry cookies from underneath the cellophane before dropping the plate off at the ER desk and heading down to the lounge to lock up my coat and phone. I nodded to Caleb and two of the other nurses. One of them was new and I hadn’t met her yet. She was standing next to Kari, but there was no sign of Jane. I felt slightly relieved for the brief reprieve from the conversation I dreaded. I stuffed the whole cookie in my mouth and chewed. It had to happen sooner than later because nothing made me more miserable than being at odds with Julia. There was an envelope taped to my locker from the Chief of Staff’s office. My request for New Year’s Eve off had been accepted, and I was pleased to see my shift on Christmas Eve ended at 7. Ideally, I would have liked the entire day off so Julia and I could have driven up to Boston, but it was already more than I’d hoped for.
The ER was quiet when I returned, and I was resolved to get things with Jane ironed out. She was behind the nurses’ station, entering information into one of the patient’s computer files. When she saw me, she stood and rushed over, her expression lighting up. “Hi, Ryan,” she said brightly. No sign of the hysterics that I’d dealt with during our last phone call. Now that Julia opened my eyes, I could see what she saw, I had to be honest. Jane was a little over-enthusiastic to see me.
“Hey,” I tried to dismiss her, walking behind the desk and shoving my ID card into the computer to look over the cases. Still, Jane hovered near. I needed to be brought up to speed for the shift change, so I turned my attention to the computer and to Caleb.
“It’s been pretty quiet, Ryan,” Caleb said, glancing behind me at Jane. His discomfort at her attention to me was clear.
“Who’s the most critical?” I asked, still ignoring the woman behind me.
“Room three. The patient is complaining of a migraine headache, severe body pain, and lethargy.”
“Is the pain manifesting in a specific region of the body?”
“Pretty much radiating everywhere, even in her bones. I ordered the standard blood work-up, but the results aren’t back yet. I haven’t prescribed anything for pain because I wanted to try and figure out what caused it first.”
The woman must have been in misery because I could hear the moans from the other side of the ER. “I understand, but I think a small does of morphine in the IV is called for by the sound of things. Have you looked for parasites or viruses?” I typed the orders in, with the attending physician, Dr. Jameson looking on. I glanced his way. He was giving me the nod with a small smile, so I typed in the orders.
“No, that’s a good idea. There is also an elderly man in room 7. Chest film showed pneumonia. He’s being admitted.”
“Obviously, IV antibiotics are already ordered?” I asked, and Caleb nodded. There wasn’t more we could do in the ER. When he nodded, I continued. “How is he breathing?”
“Not great. His blood pressure is a little lower than we’d like. We’re sending him to ICU.”
“Ryan,” Jane interrupted.
I turned abruptly and met her eyes. “Jane, if this isn’t about the patients, we’ll talk later.”
“But I…”
“Later,” I said firmly. The last thing I needed was the attending and the rest of the staff looking on to a personal conversation when I had work to be done. “As you can see, I’m in the middle of a brief. Please go draw another vile of blood from the patient in room three, and send it to the lab. Have it tested for viruses and organisms. I’m particularly looking for Lyme disease. And administer 10 mils of morphine into her IV.”
Her eyes took on a wounded look, but she nodded and turned to do what I’d asked. “Yes, doctor.”
“You make me look bad, Ryan,” Caleb mused.
“I haven’t examined her, so it’s a guess at this point,” I admitted. “But, I remember a case I studied in med school where the patient had chronic pain all over her body and initial tests showed nothing wrong. Plus, Lyme is more prevalent in the northeastern part of the country.”
“She doesn’t have any rashes, which would be a sign of the
disease.”
“She could have contracted it months ago, and it’s just now showing symptoms. She may be beyond the rash.”
We entered the room, and I proceeded to examine the patient after Jane was finished. The medication took the edge off, but the poor woman still winced continually as pain wracked her body. If it turned out that the Lyme tests were positive, I’d prescribed three days of IV antibiotics and if all went well, the patient would leave with oral hydrocodone for pain and see her primary doctor once a month. I didn’t envy her. If it is Lyme’s, it could hang on for months or more and a strong antibiotic course could create residual problems over time.
The afternoon progressed with Jane respecting the boundaries I’d set. At around six, I planned on a break and asked Jane to join me for dinner so we could talk. She was smiling happily, but I was filled with apprehension as we sat down across from each other.
“You seem to be in a better mood. Did you work things out with Daniel?” I asked, winding some leftover chicken lo-mein over my fork and shoving it into my mouth.
She shook her head. “No. He’s still leaving, but I decided that you are right, Ryan. I deserve more.”
It escaped my notice earlier, but she’d cut her hair to shoulder length and it hung loose around her face. It suited her.
“I’m glad you finally see that. Are you doing okay?”
She reached across the table for my hand, but I pulled it back, reaching for the can of soda in front of me. Jane hesitated and awkwardly picked up her fork.
“You’re sweet to ask. I wanted to talk to you about it yesterday. That’s why I called. Where were you?”