by Kahlen Aymes
The week between Christmas and New Years was bearable, because between the gala and working on the mock-up for the March issue, I was completely immersed in work. Meredith came into town a few days early for meetings with my boss and the big bosses upstairs.
She popped into my office on Tuesday, unexpectedly asking me to lunch. I looked up from my piles of work and welcomed the reprieve, though I still had to come up with layouts for three feature articles. She looked amazing and chic, as usual, in a black suit and vibrant orange blouse; finished off by chunky costume jewelry that probably cost as much as the real stuff. Her hair was cut in a modern short style.
I rose from the desk to hug her. I was acutely aware of the bags under my eyes and the locks of hair that had worked their way loose from my up-do. Messy buns were in, but this was a case of not giving a shit after a sleepless night.
“Wow! What the hell happened to you?” Meredith asked. “Is that sorry excuse for a publisher, John, working you too hard? I’ll go back upstairs and beat his ass!”
I couldn’t help but smile as I hugged the smaller woman. I was small, but she was waif-thin.
“I’m working hard, sure, but not because of John. You look fantastic! I love your hair cut!”
Meredith patted the back of her head. “I finally caved. When you get to a certain age, I guess you have to chop it all off.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re not of that age. Give me a break!”
“Thank you, darling! There are so many reasons I love you. Get your coat. I’m taking you to lunch at Butter.”
“Meredith, that’s so far from the office,” I protested. “I have too much to do.”
“Nonsense. I have a car waiting. Come on.” She waved me toward the door, and less than half an hour later, we were being seated in the posh restaurant.
“I make it a point to come here every time I’m in New York.”
We both ordered iced tea, and as I was glancing at the menu trying to determine what I could order that would allow me to take half home to Ryan, Meredith cleared her throat.
She set her menu aside. “Are you going to tell me what’s up?”
I met her eyes, lifting my brows, and shaking my head. “Nothing. The event will go off without a hitch. We’ve got it all organized. Andrea will have the final head count to the caterer tomorrow.”
Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes. “Julia,” she said, exasperated, “I’ve worked with you for years. I know a little thing like a Lincoln Center party wouldn’t give you sleepless nights.”
I flushed guiltily but shook my head and lifted my shoulders in a way that said ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” she said, disbelieving. “That’s a four letter word, if I ever heard one.”
“Yes.” Things between Ryan and I were the worst they’d ever been, and I didn’t want to get into it. I was almost thankful he had to work Christmas Day because it allowed me to call my mom and cry my eyes out. Ryan slept on the couch for three nights without a word of discussion, and I hadn’t seen much of him. I missed him, but I wasn’t sure how to heal the wound.
The waiter came and I ordered the rack of lamb and Meredith—the seared shrimp.
As soon as we were alone again, Meredith leaned back in her chair and eyed me skeptically. “I know that is all bullshit, Julia. But, if you insist you’re fine, then it’s the perfect time for me to tell you that I still want you to go to Paris. I still need you over there. I’m not happy with the team we have in place. I know you could do so much better, and God knows, we need higher circulation numbers.”
I carefully set down my glass of iced tea and contemplated what to say. “Are you asking me to go help out on an issue or two or what?”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “No. I’m asking you to go over there and take over.”
“Meredith… maybe if it were for a month or so, but not for longer.”
She signed deeply. “Why?”
“Because, Ryan and I are trying to have a baby.”
“Oh, Jesus! Then now is the time to go. You won’t once you’re pregnant, Julia.”
“I know, I just… I don’t know…” I stammered. “We’re having problems, and now isn’t a good time to leave.”
“For God’s sake, Julia! Why are you trying to start a family when you’re not getting along with Ryan? A kid isn’t going to fix it.”
My fingers wadded up the napkin in my lap. “I don’t know. When we decided to have a baby, we weren’t having problems. Besides that, my best friend is going through a lot, and she needs me, too.”
“This is your job and your future.”
“Ryan is my future.”
“I never will understand you. I’m handing you what you said you wanted since the day I hired you.”
I knew I’d have to tell her everything. “It is. And I appreciate it, I really do. But…”
By the time we were through lunch and the waiter was boxing up the majority of my entrée, Meredith knew the entire story of Jane, from the gang incident all the way through Christmas Eve. Somehow, I manage to keep my voice fairly even and the tears at bay.
“Men can be blind, but given Ryan’s looks, you’d think his eyes would be open.” She threw her napkin on the table. “Maybe he’s a little too secure, Julia. Maybe you leaving for Paris is what he needs; a wake-up call of sorts. And you could use the time to get your head on straight. If you’re not going to tell that bitch off, I might do it for you.”
“We’ll see how it goes.”
“I can’t wait forever. If the current team doesn’t turn things around, I’ll have to get someone else in there. If that someone isn’t going to be you, it will be someone. This opportunity has a shelf-life, just so you know, Julia.”
“Okay, that’s fair.”
“It would be terrible if you lost this chance and yet you and Ryan still didn’t make it.”
My stomach lurched. She was right. Despite my declaration that my future was with Ryan, this was the first time ever that separation seemed like a real possibility. The thought dug away at my insides and I thought I might get physically ill. I couldn’t take much more of the current situation. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, when I was eating at all. Work was the only thing that helped at all. Something had to give.
RYAN~
My wife and I were barely speaking, and it was driving me insane. Christmas Eve was the worst night of my life, left frozen next to the tree, anger and resentment nailing me to the floor. I just couldn’t beg forgiveness when I didn’t do anything wrong. As the week progressed, I felt listless and empty; completely miserable. I was still pissed, but I wasn’t sure at whom or what exactly; there were so many choices. I wanted to fucking kill something. I was snappy at work, practically snarling at Jane when I returned the shoes.
“I can’t accept these, Jane. Thank you for the gesture.”
“But, Ryan,” she began, but I cut her off abruptly and was oblivious to the pain on her face.
“I said I can’t take them, Jane.”
“I want you to have them…”
“I don’t want them! You’re not my wife!” I shouted angrily, surprised at my own outburst.
I left Jane standing in the middle of the ER amid all the rest of the staff looking on in shock. Later, I felt bad about it, but I was suffocating when I was around her, like she was sucking the life right out of me. If I was honest with myself, I’d admit that she was. If I lost Julia over this, I might as well have died at the hands of those thugs. I wanted to call my dad, but my mood was so waspish, I’d probably come off pissy, and I didn’t really feel like regurgitating the entire fucking mess, nor did I need to dump my problems in his lap. He’d probably just tell me to man up and deal, and I’d be even more pissed. Caleb tried to ask me about it, but he shut up when I told him I didn’t want to discuss my personal life at the hospital.
The past week, Julia still made sure I was fed, even packed my lunch, but I was sleeping on the
couch, and when we did happen to be home at the same time, I hated the haunted look in her eyes. Our conversations were uncomfortable and stilted. I felt alienated from her, and it made my heart hurt. She stayed far enough away from me that I couldn’t pull her into my arms and erase all of this shit. We didn’t touch at all, and it was killing me. This was the worst fight we’d ever had. These were the only nights she hadn’t been next to me since the two weeks right before our wedding when she went to New York and I stayed in Boston; or, when she had a trip for work.
I hadn’t given her the poem. Everyday I wanted to, but I needed it to mean as much to her as it did to me, and I just couldn’t give it to her when we were fighting. I’d opened the perfume and left it on her dresser in place of the empty bottle. She used it, because I could smell it lingering in the house when I came home and she was still at work. I missed her more than I could stand.
It was New Year’s Eve and Julia’s gala was tonight. I hoped I could make tonight as spectacular as I wanted it to be. Julia was required to stay until the party was almost over, but the plan was to make the most of the rest of the evening. I’d been unable to take Julia on a honeymoon, and since we were trying to conceive, I made reservations at the Waldorf Astoria over two months ago. The room had a Jacuzzi and a big king bed, and I’d arranged for champagne and strawberries to be waiting just after midnight, the room filled with candlelight, roses, and our favorite sexy playlist playing on the stereo. It was meant to be perfect and magically romantic.
When my dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I didn’t need anything, he sent a check. I could think of nothing I’d rather use it on, and it helped me keep my plans a secret from Julia. To throw her off the scent, Mom sent gifts as well, not the least of which was the incredible gown hanging on the back of the bedroom door.
My hand reached out to touch the silk. It was a beautiful dark green that matched her eyes, with the slightest silver shimmer dusting the fabric, fitted through the top but with some sort of floaty skirt. I could only imagine how breathtaking she’d look. I took it from the door and laid it carefully across the made bed, placing her present next to it with a lone white rose.
Julia was in the bathtub, in our room. I wasn’t even sure if she wanted me to accompany her tonight, but it was a public fundraiser and I had a ticket. I could go alone if I needed to, but I’d be damned if the evening would end without make-up sex.
I used the other bathroom to shower and change into my tuxedo. I hadn’t worn it since our wedding. I took my time shaving and combing my hair before I put on the pristine white shirt without buttoning it. I felt a mixture of anxious anticipation and sadness at the possibility that Julia wouldn’t want to reconcile. I splashed a little aftershave on my face, and it stung. I strung the bow tie around my neck, leaving it untied, the top few buttons of the shirt open, and slipped my feet in my polished black dress shoes.
I looked at myself in the mirror and decided, determined, I was going to arrive at the gala with my beautiful wife on my arm.
“Go get her,” I told myself. My heart pounded. I’d never felt so at a loss to know what Julia’s reaction would be. I knew her better than I knew myself, but this shit with Jane was new territory, and while I was angry, too, I had to put that aside. Doors or pride had no place between us.
Determined to put an end to this misery, I turned out of the bathroom at the same moment that our bedroom door burst open, and Julia appeared. In what seemed like a fraction of a second, she rushed to me and wrapped her arms around my waist burying her face in my naked chest. She still had her robe on, but her hair was done up in one of those fancy styles I couldn’t remember the name of, and smelled like heaven. My arms closed around her shoulders.
“Baby, what?” I asked, thankful just to touch her again. Her fingers curled against the muscles of my back underneath my shirt, and her forehead still rested against me.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I was so stupid.”
“Me, too. It got way out of hand.” Her hold around my waist tightened, but she still refused to look up, only nodding against me.
“Hey. I’ll take care of everything. You’ll see.” A finger under her chin lifted her face so I could see her. There were tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. Her face was luminous perfection; silver and green shadow making her eyes glow; her eyes lined and lashes lush. I wanted to drown in them. I slid my arms underneath hers and hoisted her off the floor so our mouths were at the same level. I brushed my nose with hers, closing my eyes and breathing her in. Her hands wound in my hair on both sides of my head. “There never was, nor will there ever be… a love like this. You kill me when you don’t trust that.”
She nodded, her mouth reaching for mine. “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read,” she breathed against my lips. “Kiss me.”
“You’re so beautiful. I’m afraid I’ll mess you up.” Having her this close, breathing in her breath, it was extremely difficult not to crush her to me and do as she asked.
“I don’t care.” Her tongue darted out to lick inside my upper lip. “Please, Ryan. I missed you so much. I’ve been so unhappy.”
Julia’s words were my very thoughts, and I needed to kiss her as much as she needed me to. With a groan, I let myself fall into it like it was the last kiss we’d ever share. My mouth plundered hers, hungry for the taste and feel of her. Julia’s response was explosive, and she met me kiss for fiery kiss. Our tongues made love to each other in reverence and urgency. My hand curved around the back of her neck, but my other arm still held her tight against me. My heart hammered against hers, and I slowed our kisses to gentle tasting. “I don’t want to let you go, but we gotta go, babe.” I set her gently down and kissed her one last time on the mouth then the tip of her nose. Joy filled me up as I looked down at her brilliant smile. I caught a tear before it rolled down her face to mar her make-up. “You look… stunning.”
Her hand ran down my bare chest. “You don’t look so bad yourself, but now you have lipstick on your face.” Julia reached up to wipe some of the edge of my mouth with her thumb. I felt so relieved. “Thank you for still wanting to be with me tonight.”
“Where else would I want to be but with you? Ever.”
“Don’t make me cry again. I already cried my eyes out when I read the poem. It literally stopped my heart.”
“I meant every word.” And just like that, we were Ryan and Julia again. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I took her hand and led her back into the bedroom. Her eyes were teasing when she dropped the robe and underneath had sexy black silk and lace lingerie. It was a strapless corset, matching lace panties, and stockings held in place by the garters on the corset. I could see everything through the lace, but the subtle covering made her body all the more delicious.
“Are you trying to kill me?” I groaned. She reached for the dress and I bent to kiss the back of her shoulder. I wanted nothing more than to make love to her, but instead, I helped her into her dress, zipping it up and sliding my hands down her bare arms. The diamond hairpins from our wedding sparkled in her hair. I was speechless when she turned to me and started to button up my shirt and then tied the bow tie. The entire time, I stood mesmerized by the perfection of her features, now glowing, and her eyes full of love. I stood motionless under her ministrations. I thought I’d lost that light in her eyes.
My knuckles brushed the back of her cheek. “Don’t forget to remember… how much I love you.”
Her face got serious and she cupped my jaw as she nodded. “I love you more.”
“Do you wanna fight about it?” I chuckled, but love squeezed my heart. I shrugged into the jacket of my tux.
“I’m done fighting. I’m in the mood for love.”
“There is a God after all.” My tone was teasing but my intentions were right on point. The evening would begin for me when the gala ended.
She took the rose that I’d given her and broke it off, firmly placing the stem through the boutonniere hole in my lap
el, smoothing the material when she was done. “You look perfect.”
“I know you’ll be busy tonight, but I want to dance with my beautiful girl.”
Her white teeth flashed and a low laugh left her when she threaded her fingers through mine.
Chapter 10
RYAN~
Lincoln Center was buzzing. Julia was spectacular. I stood and watched her cool composure with a sort of awe. This was a public event to benefit AIDS research, but many very important people were attending; powerful business leaders, famous fashion designers, celebrities, musicians, the mayor of New York, and several of the big wigs from Condé Nast from all over the world. She looked elegant and so stunning; simply breathtaking. I swirled the scotch around my glass and the ice clinked on the side of the crystal.
The food was incredible; catered by a famous chef whose name I couldn’t remember. I reached for one of the stuffed shrimp the waiter proffered and popped it in my mouth. The concert—a melding of several of the world’s most accomplished classical ensembles—went off without a hitch. I was amazed that six separate groups could practice in different parts of the globe and then come together and be so magnificent. Julia had done her due diligence, introducing me to everyone, but the names started to become lost to me. I didn’t know how she remembered them all, but she did. I made small talk with Meredith and John, sent Andrea a smile and wave from a few feet away, and avoided Turner as much as I could. He was busy snapping photographs. I’d have to make sure Julia got copies of the one of the two of us.
Everything was perfect. I’d never been more proud of her as I stood beside her and listened to her words. Being so close to her over the years had made me take for granted how well read and educated she was, and how well she carried herself. Maybe taking her for granted was the wrong word, but this certainly reminded me how amazing she was.