by Kahlen Aymes
The tears spilled and rolled in fat drops, one by one down my cheeks. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave if I saw him first. He…” I tried to clear my throat, “he wouldn’t have let me. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to walk away from him.”
“Oh, honey. You need to call him. He’s so upset. What’s this all about?”
“Didn’t he…” I stopped to clear my throat “Didn’t he tell you?”
“Yes, but I want to hear your side of it.”
I tried to breathe evenly; to calm the erratic palpitation of my heart. “Ever since that night in the ER, the woman that saved him… she’s chasing after Ryan with stars in her eyes. She doesn’t give us a moment’s peace. She calls in the middle of the night, pages him ten times a day, shows up at our apartment unannounced, and then stays all evening!” My voice broke on the words. “She’s like a cancer seeping into my life, and he’s letting her, Elyse. I saw them kiss on New Year’s Eve at the Aids Gala.”
She sighed heavily. “Yes, Ryan told me there were issues, but he said it was nothing, and you’re making more of it than it is.”
“It wasn’t nothing. She’s in love with him. She told me afterward that she wanted him. She cornered me in the bathroom when I went to get myself together.”
Elyse gasped. “What? Did you tell Ryan?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I can’t believe that anything you say wouldn’t hold weight with my son, Julia.”
“He knows she talked to me, but he never asked for details. He closes his eyes when it comes to her. He won’t see her as anything other than this saint who sacrificed herself for him.”
“I know he feels grateful, Julia, but that is all there is to it. You know how much he loves you.”
“I’m not saying that he’s cheating, but I still feel betrayed and resentful. Then after, I feel guilty and angry at myself because I owe Ryan’s life to her! I can’t stand watching it, Elyse! I just needed a break so I can breathe again and re-group. It wasn’t Ryan that I was trying to get away from. But…” My voice broke on a sob. “I don’t see him much. He’s either working or constantly dealing with her. When we are together, we’re either making love or screaming at each other.” I flushed at my confession.
“You have to call him, Julia. It’s not fair to put Ryan through not knowing where you are.” She was soothing, but I could hear that she was anxious and upset. “To let him believe you’ve left him. You should have heard him when I called him yesterday.”
“I texted that I was safe and I’d call soon. He knows I could never leave him. Not really, Elyse.” I couldn’t tell her that I couldn’t call during the hours I was in the air.
Elyse’s voice took on a harder, motherly tone. “Julia, how would you like it if he did this to you? Imagine how you’d feel. All he knows is that you aren’t acting like yourself, and he doesn’t have anything to hold on to. You need to call him this instant!”
“Is he okay?” I choked out, pressing my wrist to my mouth, tears rolling fatly down my cheeks.
“You know the answer to that. He’s insane with worry, Julia, and it’s not fair.”
“Is it fair that he doesn’t set up any boundaries with Jane? I feel like I’m the intruder, like I’m interrupting them. How am I supposed to feel, for God’s sake? He’s the only one that can fix it, and he just… won’t.” I wiped at the hot tears streaming down my face again.
“I understand why you might feel that way, but it’s unfair to say he hasn’t done anything about it. He said he’s talked to her. You and Ryan will work this out. He loves you more than anything, and I know you feel the same way.”
“Yes. I wouldn’t be dying inside if I didn’t love him so much.” The words were soft, but with conviction.
“Ryan is dying with this, too. So, call him, baby. Please.”
“When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“Just the one time. He’s not answering anymore, but Aaron is in New York with him, and he said Ryan’s a mess.”
My hand clutched the material of my blouse over my heart. “He’s probably so mad at me. It already hurts so bad, I just…”
“Just call him.”
“Mmmm, huh,” I sniffed.
We talked for a few more minutes, and I promised that I’d call Ryan as soon as I hung up the phone. I pushed one on speed dial before I could change my mind. My heart hammered so sickeningly, I felt it would burst out of my chest. Ryan picked up after two rings.
“Julia?” I could hear the panic in his voice, and it hurt. And he sounded utterly exhausted. “Where are you?” he demanded. “Jesus, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. I wasn’t fine. I hadn’t been fine for weeks. “I texted hours ago.”
“Anyone could have sent a text from your phone. How was I to know someone hadn’t hurt you and had your phone? I needed to hear your voice!”
My heart squeezed inside my chest and plummeted to the pit of my stomach. I’d never thought of that. “I’m sorry. From your response, it seemed you knew it was me. I didn’t think you’d believe something bad happened to me.”
“No shit, you didn’t think!” he spat angrily, and I winced.
“Look, I don’t want to talk if you’re just going to yell at me.” I was exhausted and emotionally drained.
“What did you expect me to do?” he yelled again. “Agghhhh! Tell me where you are! I’ll come to get you.” His voice was thick, throbbing with anger and something else completely indefinable.
“You can’t come. Just… I need some time. Ryan, please. Just give me a little time,” I said again, praying he would accept my plea and not press me. It was too much to hope for.
“Why are you doing this to me? To us?” Anguish practically dripped from his voice, and it killed me. It was more than anger; he was hurt.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” The words ripped from me. Physically, my throat was aching, and emotionally, I knew I was done.
He huffed into the phone. “Yeah, right! That’s why you ran off without a fucking word? Don’t ask me to believe you give a flying fuck what you’d put me through!” he ground out.
Tears squeezed from my closed eyes as I struggled not to let out the sobs building up inside. “I told you I didn’t think. I just had to get away. I can’t be in New York right now. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but no more than me!”
“You left town? Are you in California with Ellie?”
“I’m not in California.”
“Then, where are you? How in the hell am I supposed to keep my head in the job like this?” Ryan demanded. I pictured him pacing angrily around the apartment, just back from the hospital, still in his scrubs. I was certain he was exhausted.
My throat was swollen and I felt sick inside. “Your job. Your life. Your friend. Your everything, right? I’m just an observer. Stuck on the outside looking in.” I hated the crack in my voice, the weakness and helplessness that held me prisoner.
“What exactly are you saying, Julia? Tell me where the hell you are! Right now!” His breathing was hard; I could hear the refrigerator door open and then slam over the phone, with the clink of glass bottles hitting each other echoing in the background.
I sucked in my breath and let my fury fly. It wasn’t as if he didn’t already know why I left. “I’m saying that while that woman is invading your every waking moment, as long as you let her, I’m not coming home, Ryan, okay?” I yelled into the phone, panting, my face crumpling in pain. “I can’t take it anymore!” My chest was heaving, and I was shaking so much I almost dropped the phone.
He sighed heavily. “This is getting so fucking old. You know I was only trying to be a good friend and nothing more! We talked about this!”
I rolled over again; a new wave of pain threatening to drown me like the deepest ocean. That name was like nails on a chalkboard. I was so fucking sick of hearing it. Jane this, Jane that, poor Jane… blah, blah, blah! Maybe I was being a bitch, but at that point, the pain overtook
caring.
“Barely, and so what? Nothing has changed! When you’re done letting your friend suck up all your free time and remember you’re married, give me a call.”
“It isn’t like that! I told her to back off, but I owe her! Don’t we both owe her?”
I was so friggin’ tired of hearing Ryan take her side over mine; tired of fighting with him over her, and tired of feeling upset that his words made me feel guilty about my own pain.
“I won’t let you turn me into the bad guy over this, Ryan! I will not stay and watch while you let her drive a wedge between us. We never see each other, so I’m surprised you even notice I’m gone! Did you let Jane know you were calling me?” I asked bitterly. “I mean, could she spare you for a moment?” I sniffed. I knew I sounded like a petulant child and truly didn’t care. “How generous. Remind me to thank her,” I said sarcastically.
Ryan sucked in his breath harshly and paused. “This isn’t you, Julia. Where is the generous, giving woman I know?” he asked quietly. “You’re not being fair.”
The air left my lungs in a whoosh as the pain replaced the anger instantly. My voice was quiet and raspy, my throat raw from crying. I felt numb.
“I can’t believe you just said that to me.” He was doing it again; taking her side over mine. Maybe that wasn’t even what was happening, but resentment welled up inside me like a dam ready to burst. She was taking him away from me and he was letting her, he was helping her. “I’m not being fair?”
“It’s not that Goddamned easy and you know it! I can’t be an out-and-out bastard to her. She sacrificed a lot.”
So did I, Ryan! I suffered your absence for years while we built this life!
“Yeah, I know the feeling. I guess she wins though, since she bled real blood,” I said miserably. I flushed at the jab, but I was hurting so Goddamned bad, I couldn’t help but lash out.
I could hear his breathing get shorter. He knew how much his words stung. “You know what we have is sacred. Please, just stop this.” His voice was raw and urgent.
“Then why have I felt so alone? It feels like you’ve completely abandoned me.”
“You know how much I love you and I’m sorry. I just …”
“No,” I begged. “Please don’t say anymore. Every word… hurts. I can’t take it. Just give me some time. Don’t call me. Let me…figure things out.” I felt like I was drowning, clawing for the surface and Ryan could save me, but he didn’t.
“Julia… please…” I could hear his voice shaking, cracking; husky from tears. “Don’t do this. We figure shit out together. So, tell me where you are so I can come to you. I need to come get you! I’m going crazy. For the past eight and a half years, I’ve always known where you are. This is killing me.”
I closed my eyes, and my heart began to ache again when my Ryan finally showed up. That was the voice of the man who loved me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms.
“I’m safe, and I’ll call. I promise.” My voice broke again.
“Are you… Is it… I mean, are we over?” Each word was dripping in emotion, anguish, and panic.
Pain sliced through me. A month ago those words would never have come out of his mouth. Why didn’t he know that nothing could ever make me leave him?
“I just can’t deal with it right now. I need a little break. Jane is taking a part of you that used to be mine, and I can’t stand by and watch.”
“For Christ’s sake! No one has the part of me that belongs to you.”
All of you used to belong to me. My heart was pounding. I wanted to claw the skin off of my body.
I know. I tried to force the words out, but they stuck in my throat because they felt like a lie. But, I didn’t know. Not anymore. And, it was killing me.
The seconds ticked by while we both cried, both of us waiting for the other to say something and neither willing to end the call. I knew he could hear the tears and the sniffles, even though I kept the sobs confined to the silent shaking of my shoulders as I pressed the heel of my hand to my mouth. Somehow, I had to keep him from hearing how broken I really was.
“Just tell me that you still love me,” he begged raggedly. “God, Julia, please.”
That was the end of me, and the sobs finally erupted into the silent room. “You know…” I gasped. “You know how I feel, Ryan. Nothing will change that.”
“Then why didn’t you come talk to me?” The words sounded like they were pulled from him, but they still sliced through my soul. “And, why won’t you say it?”
This was the second time he’d questioned me about loving him. The first time being when Meredith offered me the first promotion on his visit to New York for Valentine’s Day when he proposed. I tried to swallow the pain so I could speak, but it still crept into my shaky voice. “Just a little time, okay? Try to understand how it’s been for me.” I love you, but it hurts too much to be with you right now. “I just really need your understanding. Just for a little while.”
He sighed heavily. His voice was low and thick, laced with his own tears. “Okay. God, I’ll try. When we got married, sometimes you wondered if a love like this even exists, remember?” I remembered clearly; those words were part of my wedding vows. “It exists, or it wouldn’t hurt so fucking bad. But, only for us, Julia.” Ryan’s voice was deep, but thick with tears. “Believe that and… don’t forget to remember me.”
I gasped as Ryan said the words that connected us for the past five years. My heart broke anew, shattering instantly into a million pieces that ripped me to shreds. He knew those words would yank my heart right from my chest. And, they did. It was pure manipulation, pure guilt, pure heaven, and pure hell. Two could play at that game.
As if I could ever forget him. My eyes squeezed shut and pushed more tears down my cheeks.
“You forgot to remember me,” I said weakly.
I quickly hung up the phone right before I pushed my face into one of the plush white pillows and screamed. I needed him like he used to be. I needed the brilliance of us, like we were, or it would never be good enough. I cried and cried into the pillow, praying for the strength to get my head on straight.
I needed time without suffering Jane’s continued presence and the guilt I felt over being so angry. I needed sanity and peace and rational thought. I needed to be able to function and heal. But, I also knew that I’d never be able to breathe without him. Lately, I hadn’t been able to breathe either way. Yes, I owed Jane everything… but until Ryan could put things into perspective and take back our lives, I was out.
I got up and went to the suitcase, unzipping it, and pulling out the T-shirt I’d stashed there. I pulled it to my face and inhaled his scent as I went back to the bed. Still fully-clothed, I crawled under the covers, not caring if the sun ever came up again. I curled up and brought the shirt to my face, clutching it to me as I cried into the darkness. How quickly our lives had changed; the neat, perfect package was now so fucked up. Only one thing remained…the insane love. It was crippling in its intensity.
My fingers curled into the pillows and the fabric of the shirt as I sobbed softly into the darkness, aching for the arms that would ease the hurt, and the words that would assure me we’d be okay. I’d left him, but it felt like he’d left me. Like I was the one without the choice.
My broken words echoed around the room like they were coming from someone else.
“I just want you back, Ryan,” I said into the darkness. “I want us back.”
Half a world separated us, and I’d just severed my only connection to the one person I never thought I could live without. I’d walked away from the love of my life, in the desperate hope that my best friend would find his way back to me.
Chapter 12
Julia~
I’d finally fallen asleep after another two hours of crying, but it was the fitful, twilight-type that only made me feel even more exhausted. In the morning, I stood looking out the window over Paris with bloodshot eyes. The river looked dark sapphire, and the Eiffel
Tower lifted against a bright azure sky. It was an artist’s dream to be here, and I’d always wanted to come. I’d just never imagined it would be without Ryan. At least, not after I’d gotten in the accident and missed the opportunity last year.
Ryan talked of coming here and Italy to tour the many landmarks and museums so central to my art education. I felt numb; as if I were having some out of body experience, an elaborate nightmare that I would soon awake from.
The plush terry of the hotel robe that wrapped my body felt real enough, and my wet head was wrapped in a matching towel. I sniffed in regret, willing myself not to allow a new torrent of tears. My phone was conspicuously silent this morning, but he was only doing as I asked. It had only been twelve hours since we spoke, but there was that part of me that was surprised, and if I were honest, disappointed. My feelings were all screwed up, and I did need to sort stuff out, but my needy, sore heart longed for affirmation that he wanted me back.
I huffed, chastising myself and sat down on the edge of the bed. What did I expect? How many times had my father told me that guys are literal and will take spoken words for gospel. ‘Men are easy, just don’t say anything you don’t mean,’ he’d told me once in high school when I had a fight with my boyfriend. ‘You’re confusing the poor kid, sweet pea.’
I never confused Ryan and he never confused me. That was part of the reason we were connected from the hip from day one, but things were so screwed up now. My own conflicted feelings for Jane held me back from telling Ryan how much she was bothering me when she first started getting under my skin. That was my big mistake. But… normally, he would have just known without my having to say a word. I pulled the towel loose from my still-damp hair, and it fell heavily around my face. I pushed it behind my ears and dialed Meredith.
“How’s Paris?” She was exuberant when she answered.
“I haven’t seen much of it yet. I thought I’d give some thought to that fill before I go into the office.”
“It’s Sunday, anyway, hon.”