by Kahlen Aymes
Andrea, Mike, and some of the staff asked me to go to dinner, but I wasn’t up to it. I peeled off my suit and left it lying half-assed on the sofa in the other room of the suite and pulled on a pair of blue plaid flannel pajama bottoms and a long sleeved white Henley. My head throbbed. At 5:30 it was dark, but I still pulled the curtains closed on the window before grabbing my phone and crawling under the covers. I didn’t bother with the TV, and the silence in the room boomed. I lay there missing Ryan and clutching my phone, willing it to ring. My face crumpled, and I rolled onto my side, tears streaming from my eyes. I let the sadness take over, crying harder than I had in weeks. I felt lost, alone… like my world was ending, and I only had myself to blame. Fighting with Ryan over Jane seemed better than the alternative.
I sobbed for long minutes, letting it all out until my nose was swollen closed. Still, I cried until I gagged, the combination of the snot running down my throat and my stomach heaving had me scrambling into the bathroom to throw up the entire contents of my stomach.
I sat there, panting, wiping off my face with a wad of toilet paper, and finally blowing my nose as hard as I could before pulling myself up and going back to bed.
I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand and turned on the phone. If Ryan had looked at the phone bill, he could tell I was in Paris, yet nothing. I sighed deeply. I could call him again, but I’d fall apart even worse if he didn’t answer, and the days to come would be hell, always waiting. At least now, I didn’t expect to hear from Ryan, and I didn’t obsess over it like I did at the beginning. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I didn’t want to put myself back at square one.
I pressed 5, Aaron’s speed dial. I fully expected voicemail and was surprised when he picked up.
“Yeah?” His deep voice bolted me upright. “Julia?”
“Yeah, Aaron.”
I could hear him expel his breath in a huff, but he was quiet, waiting for me speak. My heart flipped uncomfortably as I struggled for what to say. “I’ve tried calling Ryan several times over the past month, and he hasn’t returned any of them. I just wanted to ask… Is he… is he okay, Aaron?” My voice cracked and a tear tumbled down my cheek.
“No, he’s fucked up, Julia.”
My head fell forward and as much as I tried, I couldn’t help crying harder.
“I’ve tried. I mean, I want to talk to him.”
“He’s on lockdown. He works doubles; barely calls any of us back. I’ve only heard from him twice, and I call him every other day. Mom is so worried, she’s about ready to get on a plane, but he doesn’t want to see any of us.” When I didn’t respond and continued to cry, he continued. “You know I love you, Julia, but I feel like an asshole talking to you when my brother is so destroyed.”
My shoulders shook in silent sobs until I gasped for breath. “I’m… I’m so scared, Aaron.”
Aaron said my name on a sigh. “Jules… I just… how could you leave him? I don’t get any of this shit. I don’t understand you leaving; I don’t understand him refusing to talk to you.”
“You haven’t seen him, then?”
“I went down there right after you split. Where are you?”
“I’m on a job for the magazine. It just seemed like we both needed some time apart to think. We weren’t communicating about the important stuff. Honestly, Aaron, I didn’t think about what I was doing. I felt suffocated. Did Ryan tell you any of it?”
“Not a lot. He needs you, not me.”
A small part of my heart leapt. “I’ve tried. I’ve even thought about going home, but I’m beginning to think he doesn’t want me back.”
“Come, on, for Christ’s sake! Julia, listen to yourself! Do you honestly think Ryan wouldn’t want you back? Ever in this fucking lifetime?” His voice thundered abruptly, and I flinched.
“A lot of things have changed, Aaron.”
“Not. That. You should get your ass home.”
I wanted nothing more, but I wanted Ryan—my Ryan—and the way we were before Jane. “I wish it were that easy. I’m sort of locked in here for a while.”
“I guess it’s a matter of priorities, huh? Look, I’m not going to tell Ryan we talked, because I’m not going to get his hopes up just to have you rip his guts out again. Just… get your shit together. If I gotta take sides on this, blood is thicker than water. I mean, he’s not my real… you know what the hell I mean.”
I nodded, even though he didn’t see me. “I wouldn’t expect anything else, Aaron. I’m glad he has you, and I’ll try to get back to New York as soon as I can, I promise. Tell Jen hello. I love you guys.”
I wiped my eyes with a tissue and turned on the light and my laptop, intent on searching for flights. I couldn’t book it until I spoke with Meredith. She’d be so mad, she’d light up the sky, but I had to try to correct my mistake with Ryan. My phone started playing Ellie’s ringtone, and I picked it up, happy to hear from her. I hadn’t talked to her in over a month, so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t think much about her and Harris.
“Hi!”
“What’s going on? I called your office and they said you didn’t work there anymore? I mean, what the hell, Julia?”
“Sorry. I should have told you, but it was pretty sudden. I’m in Paris.”
“Since when? This is just a short assignment, right?” Her voice was hesitant, and I imagined the cogs working in her head. She sounded happier, more like herself than I’d heard her in months.
“No, it’s the job. Remember, the Paris edition? I’ve been here since the first of January.”
“Holy shit! And you didn’t bother telling me?” Hurt laced her tone.
“A lot has been going on, El. Ryan and I were fighting a lot, and I didn’t want to burden you with it because you were dealing with your own stuff. Anyway, it just seemed like a good time.”
She pulled in a sharp gasp. “Ryan isn’t cheating, is he?”
I ran a shaky hand through my hair and crawled back into bed. “I don’t think so. Not that way. It’s about that woman he works with. She’s just… he says they’re friends, but she’s in love with him and the situation became unbearable.” Ellie knew the basic story surrounding that night in the ER, but we hadn’t discussed it since right after I got back from L.A. I started to fill her in on Christmas and New Year’s Eve, but left out a lot of the smaller details, trying to turn the conversation to her. “We don’t need to talk about this. How are you and Harris doing?”
“Screw Harris and me, Julia! I’ve been a rotten friend. Shit, I’m so sorry! I’m sorta shocked by it all.”
“It’s okay. I should have called you, too. It’s just been overwhelming, and it’s all I can do to function.”
“I remember how that feels.”
“I know you do. I guess fairy tales don’t exist.”
“Julia.” I could almost hear her shaking her head at me through the phone. “For you and Ryan… they do. No one is more perfect together than you two. He loves you more than anything, so what were you thinking running off to Paris?”
My chest tightened with emotion and my throat ached, making the words strained. One thing I knew for sure, Ryan was it for me. “I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. I’m dying with how much I miss him.”
“I’ve learned something and it took losing Harris to figure it out. Don’t lose Ryan, Julia. My best friend told me to get my head out of my ass, and I ignored her. Don’t make my mistake.”
“Are you and Harris really over?”
“He’s on a North American tour, and we’re supposed to talk when he gets back in September. I’m still not sure I can handle that lifestyle. Being apart and worrying about the women. His band is a bunch of wild, single guys. I don’t want to worry all the time.”
“That’s eight months, Ellie! He wanted to marry you.”
“Look, Julia, I care about Harris a lot, but I don’t want to be all tied up in knots all the time.”
When I didn’t hear her say she loved him, I wondered i
f maybe they weren’t destined to be together. Even when I left New York and Ryan behind, there was never a doubt about us long-term, tied up in knots or not. I felt sad for them.
“I had high hopes for you two.”
“Like I said, we’ll hash it out eventually. We talk on the phone once a week or so, but the big talk is for later. Now enough with the bullshit; start packing, do you hear me?”
“I have to work it out with Meredith. She’s coming this week to see how things are going. Maybe if I can show her our progress and how well the team here is catching on, it will be better than a phone call.”
“She’s going to be pissed, Jules. You have to prepare.”
“That’s putting it mildly, I’m afraid.”
Chapter 13
RYAN~
Fucking Valentine’s Day!
This wasn’t at all how I’d anticipated this day to turn out. It grated on my nerves how much this particular holiday shoved how much I missed Julia down my Goddamned throat. The ER desk was awash with flowers and a couple of mylar balloons that said ‘I Love You!’ and ‘Be Mine’. I wanted to be apathetic about it, but the truth was, I was dying inside. Loneliness had become like a sickness that had no cure. I knew I wouldn’t see her, but that hadn’t stopped me from buying The Picture of Dorian Grey when I’d seen it in the window of a collectable bookshop on my way to the gym last week. It was like it had some invisible hold on me, and I had to buy it. If she were here, I’d have given it to her today. I was such a sap, letting my emotions dictate my actions when my head screamed that I was a moron for buying it, and even more, when I’d written on the inside front cover.
The memory of last year when I surprised Julia in New York came to mind; sneaking in to her apartment, waking her up, and making love to her all night. I ran my hand over my jaw. If only something like that awaited me tonight. Incredible how twelve short months could change your life completely around. So much had happened in that time: Julia’s accident and her memory loss, our wedding, moving to New York… all the shit with Jane. I groaned inwardly.
Kari stared at me.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” I asked, running my hand over my chin again.
She shook her head. “Are you okay, Ryan?”
Not at all, I wanted to answer. I knew I looked like shit. I was fit because working out passed time and kept me sane, but my heart was shattered, and my chest was a hallow void.
“Yeah, I’m good. A little tired, maybe.” I tried to give her a half-smile but it didn’t quite make it to my eyes. I could see the sympathy in her expression and the unspoken questions that she didn’t ask.
“If you ever need to talk, I know about everything.”
What? I frowned at her. Sure, great! Just what I needed, people discussing my personal problems behind my back at my hospital. I glanced angrily in Jane’s direction, immediately believing she was the one who blabbed. For once, she wasn’t watching me.
Kari put her hand on my arm. “Ryan, Caleb told me about what happened with Julia. If you ever need to talk, you know, get a woman’s perspective, it might help to figure out what she’s thinking.”
I looked back at her and nodded slightly. I wanted to tell her that if anyone knew Julia and her fucked-up reasoning, it was me; except that I wasn’t sure anymore. I didn’t understand any of it.
She held up the open box of candy and offered me one. After Jane had no part of him, Caleb had turned his attention to Kari. He’d given her one of those obnoxious red velvet chocolate boxes that you get at the corner drug store. I wasn’t a fan, but I humored her, hunting around in the box for one shaped like a square. Experience from childhood taught me that the square ones were more likely to be caramel. I couldn’t stand the overly sweet fillings that typically filled these things. I popped it in my mouth. “Thanks. I don’t like to talk about it anymore, Kari. But, I appreciate the offer.”
Jesus, I was tired. My feet felt like lead, and I could swear I had a ten-pound brick on my forehead. I went to get a cup of coffee from the pot we kept in the alcove near the ER waiting room. It was so strong it usually tasted like tar, but I didn’t give a shit; I needed strong. I just needed to stay awake. I scoffed at my train of thought. At work, I did everything I could to stay awake, but at home, I couldn’t sleep if my life depended on it. The irony was not lost on me.
The coffee didn’t have the desired effect. In the past, I’d tried stashing energy drinks in the refrigerator next to the coffee pot, but someone always ripped them off. Fucking people.
I didn’t have time to go to the lounge, so I found a corner of the waiting room and sat down with my coffee, leaning my head on the back of the chair and closing my eyes. I let myself listen to the white noise sounds of the waiting room; people talking in hushed tones, the admitting nurse asking for insurance information, a fussy baby. If I concentrated hard enough, my mind would let me get in a little rest.
My life felt like a huge, black void, and though I had purpose in work, I hated everything else. I was a walking zombie, unsure how I got through the days. It helped to work all night. I hated the nights at home without her. My life stopped when she said those five horrible words: “You forgot to remember me…”
Julia. My closed eyes squeezed tighter. She stopped calling and texting, which, I admonished myself, was my own damn fault. I would stop, too, if they were repeatedly unanswered. I was still so angry, but more, I missed her like I’d lost half of myself. I gave a small huff. I guess that’s what happened. I had to stop and think how long she’d been in my life. Three and a half years as my best friend, almost four as my long distance lover, the four months that we lived together during her recovery, six months married, and now six weeks since she’d left me. The longest six fucking weeks of my life, except for the week I didn’t know if she’d live after her car accident. Oh my God! Did we really go through all of that just to let it slip away now? And because of some twit interrupting our dinner a couple of times? Un-fucking-believable.
Someone’s hand slid up my thigh and I bolted upright, my eyes snapping open instantly and landing on Jane, perched on the edge of the chair next to mine, her hands now in her lap. My heart literally knocked against my ribs, and my hand landed on my chest with a thud.
“Jesus Christ, Jane! You scared the living shit out of me!” I relaxed back in the chair and closed my eyes again. I took another deep breath. “What is it?” I asked, annoyed that my thoughts had been interrupted, and I would now have to listen to what she said.
“Um… Ryan, I…”
My head snapped up again and I glared at her. “What?”
“I’m… I just wanted to apologize for everything again. I hate how strained we’ve become, and I just want to get back to normal.”
I blinked and my jaw tightened. I considered her words for a minute. Could we ever go back, considering my world as I knew it was ruined, maybe beyond repair? “I don’t know. I can’t think about it right now. I’m too tired.” I dismissed her hoping she would leave.
“Just think about it.”
When I didn’t answer, she finally rose and left the waiting area. The small bit of relaxation I had vanished, so I pushed up from the chair and decided to go for a walk around the hospital. I needed to wake up, so I choked down the now lukewarm coffee and started to move toward the hospital lobby, tossing the paper cup in the trash as I passed.
Louise was on desk duty. The old woman always had such a cheery smile, and I needed a little sunshine. She was talking to an elderly couple and pointing out directions, and I scooted past into the gift shop. There was always a nice assortment of fresh flowers in the cooler, and I reached in and pulled out a small arrangement of reds and pinks in a small, globular glass vase. There were some of those conversation hearts Julia hated at the register. I grabbed a box of those and then turned and reached for the latest edition of Vogue from the magazine rack. By the time I paid for the items, Louise was free. When she looked up at me, her blue eyes sparkled and a huge smile slid acr
oss her face. I smirked at the two bright pink splotches painted on her cheeks and the vivid red lipstick that wasn’t quite staying within the outline of her lips.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Louie!” I said, mustering as much cheer as I could.
“Ryan, you handsome devil. Don’t tease an old woman! It’s hard on my heart.”
I laughed out loud for the first time since I couldn’t remember when.
“I’m not teasing.” I grinned at her. “Look! I brought you presents.” I set the flowers down on her desk and handed her the candy.
“Oh!” Her hand flew to her cheek. “You make an old woman blush! I’m so happy you stopped by! I’ve missed those dimples and sparkling blue eyes!”
“I’ve been really busy.” I perched in the chair next to her desk. “Sorry.”
She reminded me a lot of my grandmother on my father’s side. Grandma Nettie. She had the same slight blue tint to her stark white hair and her make-up was exaggerated due, in part, to failing eyesight and the rest to exuberant personality. I sat beside her, reluctant to go back to the ER. Louise lifted the flowers and sniffed appreciatively as I flipped through the magazine.
“This is for you, too, of course, but I haven’t looked at this issue yet. Do you mind?”
“Oh, goodness! Of course, not.” She patted my hand as I turned the pages one by one. Julia’s name was still on the masthead page. I breathed a small sigh of relief and turned the page with shaky hands. Somehow, I’d managed to stop myself from calling or going over there to interrogate Andrea or her other staff. She said she’d left the city, but was she really that close all along? “What is that pretty wife of yours up to?”
“Working a lot.” I tried to keep my voice even and not sound too sad. “We’re both working a lot.” I was at a loss for what to say. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I didn’t want to lie either.
“You do look very tired, dear. Are you eating right? You seem a little pale.”
“I’m eating.” I was living on meat sandwiches and the cafeteria salad bar.