by Alice Moore
“N- no… you know I suck at artsy stuff. But Charlotte helped me, and I helped her set up her pillars of infrastructure. Just like you showed me how to do.” Arching a brow, I leaned back to whistle long and low, and Julianne turned a bright, tomato red. Pride rushed through my veins, pushing everything else to a central point so I could ball it up and store it for later.
“You know, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to corroborate your business strategies, JJ. Building something from scratch is difficult, and there are a lot of different ways to do it. I’m sure Al- Ms. Mazkov- wouldn’t mind it if you asked her.” Catching my blunder, I licked my lips and cleared my throat in the face of an impressionable, young girl whose money couldn’t buy her happiness. “I’m not gonna lie- I stole a lot of tricks from Dad, and I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of other people. You have a lot of power here, JJ- making all of the decisions is going to be hard, and sometimes it’ll seem crazy or impossible, but having other opinions is important even if you don’t take to them. Starting a business like the one you’re pretending to essentially means you’re going to be talking to a lot of people about what your research can offer, and what you want in return.”
“Do- do you think I can make interviews? And video record them on my laptop? I’m- I’ve already burned through the money Ms. Mazkov allotted for the groundwork just on the building alone.” Smiling at the excitement in Julianne’s voice, I nodded as her cheeks returned to their natural, pale color, and she returned the gestures with gusto. “Great! I’ll write a question sheet! Do you think we can get Sam to help, too? And I can give this idea to Charlotte?”
“You can certainly ask him, JJ- but I think you should keep this to yourself, right? Charlotte has to make her own decisions and come to her own conclusions. Maybe she doesn’t think of this, but she has an equally great idea. It’s not fair to make her pick between them because she’ll start to doubt herself, and for a growing business, that’s bad.” Liar. Truthfully, I just wanted Julianne to stop thinking about everyone else, so she could focus on herself. She was too busy trying to be the perfect, demure, rich girl so that someone would notice her in a positive way. It’d been something she struggled with even in California, and there was nothing I could do to change it.
My explanation must have made some degree of sense to Julianne, and I watched her go wide-eyed and nod vigorously. Standing up, I reached to pat her head once more before making my way out of her bedroom. Closing the door behind me, my hands balled into fists, and I sucked in a sharp breath before heading for my father’s office. The house was quiet- even Sam was off doing whatever he was doing, and my mother was nowhere to be found.
Pushing my way into my father’s office, I narrowed my eyes on him as he rocked himself lightly behind his desk with a paper in his hands. Before I could even open my mouth, he spoke up without looking away from what he was reading, and his bland, vacant tone made my skin crawl.
“Whatever you’re angry about, Roark, I’m not in the mood to talk about it.” My father’s declaration froze me, mind and body, and I stopped just short of his desk to stare at him. The rage that surged through me was white hot, and he glanced at me above the edge of the paper before turning his attention to me completely. “What is it?”
“If you keep ignoring Julianne, I think she’s going to end up hurting herself, Dad. She just asked me if I was dating her teacher because everyone else hates her, including you and Mom.” Grinding the words through my teeth, I tensed at the very notion of what I was saying. My nails dug into my palms, and my father frowned before me. That slight downturn of his lips was his only reaction before he turned back to his paper, and I braced my fists on the edge of his desk to lean in close in anticipation for his response.
“Are you dating her teacher? I was wondering when you were going to start seeing women again. After everything Carla put you through, you deserve a humble, homely girl, Roark.” My eyelid twitched as my anger reached a breaking point, and I pursed my lips together to avoid screaming. He’d ignored everything I said about Julianne, just like he always did. Father of the year, right there. Taking a slow, long, deep breath, I held it for a few seconds before exhaling through my nose.
“This isn’t about me, Dad- this is about Julianne. For Christ’s sake, do you think it’s okay that she doesn’t expect anything from you? Do you think that she’ll just go away if you don’t pay her any attention- if you ignore her enough? What kind of bullshit is this, Dad? Julianne is-“ Cut off by a raised palm, I nearly blew smoke out of my ears while I watched my father fold his paper and set it on the desk between us. Slowly he rose, imposing for a man in his 60s, and I clenched and released my jaw wildly in the heavy, growing silence. His eyes pierced mine violently, but I didn’t back down.
I couldn’t, for Julianne’s sake as much as my own.
“Julianne isn’t my daughter, Roark. I don’t want her to expect anything from me, and with any luck, she’ll disappear at some point and cease being a stain on my family. I gave her a place to live- I’m paying for her schooling. I’m even paying for whichever college she decides to go to and everything that comes along with it. I’m doing what I promised my wife, and nothing more.”
Ally
“Roark? Wha- Oh!” The squeal that left my mouth was muffled by Roark’s chest, and he crushed me to him with hard, stiff arms. His body shook against mine, his breath shallow in my ear, and I stayed as still as possible while he buried his face in my neck. Slowly the shock of his sudden appearance wore off, and I wrapped my arm around his waist even as my mind whirled, trying to figure out what was happening.
“Don’t…” Stiffening at the gruff command, I held my breath as Roark squeezed me tightly, forcing the air from my lungs. “Don’t say anything. I- I just need you.”
I couldn’t breathe, but faced with the unfiltered pain in Roark’s voice, my own suffering was kicked into a dark corner of my mind. His breaths only grew shallower, causing his body temperature to rise and his trembling to become more violent. Dry, cracked lips pressed against my shoulder, and I managed a small inhale that still nearly choked me.
As if realizing he was suffocating me, Roark jerked his head back a few inches and loosened his grip on my torso just enough to gasp for air. I tried to be quiet about it, but if he noticed, he gave no indication. He didn’t smell like alcohol, and I tilted my head to glance down at his elbows for track marks that, thankfully, were missing.
“… I’m sorry… I just needed… something… strong…” Mumbling against my earlobe, Roark took his deepest breath yet before pulling away from me completely. Goosebumps rose on my arms and across my chest at the loss of his overwhelming warmth, and I shoved my forearms under my bust. Only two feet from me, he rubbed his face harshly with his palms before revealing his red-rimmed eyes to me.
“Oh my God- Roark, what happened?” Speaking before I could stop myself, I stepped out of my apartment to plant my hands on Roark’s cheeks. He was gaunt, pale, and my heart stuttered in my chest when he shook his head slowly.
“I can’t… I can’t… not right now.” Rasping his response, Roark swayed slightly as if that little bit of breath, of effort, was enough to knock him off his feet. Grabbing his arms, I carefully backed up into my apartment, and he followed with a heavy, shuffling gait. His shoes didn’t even leave the floor, and I maneuvered my way to my futon to set him down.
Roark’s eyes rolled in their sockets as soon as he sat on the mattress, and I grunted lowly. Stiffly laying him down, I let out a huff of an exhale and took off his shoes to lift his legs onto the futon one at a time.
What the Hell is going on? The question had no answer, and I propped my hands on my hips as I stared down at him. Whatever it was, it was bad.
Roark’s groan told me he wasn’t unconscious, and I narrowed my eyes on him as he flung his arm over his face. He looked like he was in physical pain, and his lips twisted into a grimace to let tightly ground teeth peek through. Kneeling next to him, I held back
a sigh as his body heat made the soft, peach fuzz hairs on my cheeks and breasts stand up.
“I’m here, Roark…” Whispering softly, I brushed his sunken cheek with my knuckles, and my breath caught when he grabbed my wrist tightly. Pressing the back of my hand to his face, Roark sucked in a harsh, shallow breath, and I flexed my toes against the carpet in anxiety.
“Thank you…” Hot breath flowed down my wrist, and Roark tilted his head to kiss the butt of my palm with wobbling lips. “… for not asking questions.”
“Of course, Roark- of course. I’ll get you a towel…” Trailing off, my mouth hung open as my gaze drifted to Roark’s soaked t-shirt. Sweat caused the fabric to stick to him, and I blinked hard before shaking my head hard. “Did… did you run here?”
“Yeah.” Carefully extracting my wrist as he answered, I flexed my hand only to feel the slick dampness he’d transferred to me. Roark refused to look at me, and I leaned back to climb to my feet with a heavy sigh.
Glancing around, my eyes widened, and my heart jumped into my throat when Kelly came into my peripheral. I didn’t even remember she was here; Roark demanded all of my attention. Gulping hard, I rubbed my palms together as she serenely sipped her wine across the coffee table. Knowledge shone in her eyes, and I pursed my lips together before she quietly wandered over to me.
“I’ll go. Thank you for inviting me over, Ally.” Leaning to whisper in my ear, Kelly placed her free hand on my shoulder reassuringly. She didn’t wait for me to formulate a response, and I shivered at the cold rush of air that swirled around me when she moved to the sink. Twisting to watch her gather her coat and leave almost silently, I frowned at the sense of failure that spread through my chest.
My girls’ night had been a smashing success, even if it’d been cut short. Kelly and I had reached a stalemate, anyway; she would’ve left at some point within the next half hour.
“Oh- a towel…” Muttering to myself, I went to the kitchenette to grab a washcloth and soak it in cold tap water. Blood roared in my ears to drown out the silence, and my hands shivered violently as I squeezed and unfurled the towel. Rushing across the room, I perched on the edge of the coffee table to carefully dab Roark’s cheek. Instantly he deflated like an untied balloon, and I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding in relief. “Just relax, Roark. I’m here. I’ll take care of you.”
Wiping Roark’s face as gently as I could, my stiff movements betrayed my wandering mind. Kelly had asked to have a ‘grading party’ at my apartment because she wanted to break up her routine a little, and I’d gladly agreed.
But we both ended up drinking a lot of wine and gossiping about the other instructors and even the students and their parents.
Now, that buzz I’d been riding had completely vanished, and I dragged the towel down Roark’s nose with stone cold sober attention. Folders filled with ungraded papers dug into my back and cushioned my butt, and I braced my forearm on my knees to lean in close to him. His breathing was slowly evening out, but he wasn’t asleep; the agony on his face told me he was painfully aware.
“I don’t know what’s happening, Roark- but I’m here for you. You can stay as long as you want.” Caressing Roark’s cheek behind the wet towel, I cracked a small, strained smile when he finally peeked out at me from under his arm. His normally hazel eyes were dark, shrouded under heavy lids, and I brushed the towel under them one at a time before he covered them again.
“You smell like wine.” Gruff, an angry kind of harsh, Roark’s declaration sent a shock to my heart, and I pursed my lips into a thin line. He’s not mad at me. That wasn’t even meant to be mean. “I don’t know… I don’t know anymore…”
“Sh- sh-h… just relax, okay? Whatever it is, it’ll be alright.” I had no idea if my assurance was a lie, but I didn’t care. Wiping Roark’s jaw and neck softly, I beat back the sting in my eyes to see him such a way.
“… My dad…” Croaking into the deafening silence, he tensed and ground his teeth as if it hurt to speak. “He said JJ wasn’t his daughter. That’s why he ignores her- neglects her. That my mom was cheating on him, and Julianne is the result.”
Stiffening, my hand hovered above Roark’s collarbone as I digested what he’d confessed. So many questions flew through my otherwise blank mind, and I sucked a sharp breath into lungs that couldn’t really inflate. Rolling my lips between my teeth, I opened and closed my mouth a few times in a futile attempt to speak.
I knew Julianne had absentee parents; many of the girls at Wells were in the same predicament. Their parents were so busy being rich and getting richer that they didn’t have the time or the inclination to be with their children.
But Julianne was a product of an affair. That’s the real reason she has her mother’s maiden name.
“Does that change the way you feel about her, Roark?” Finally managing a strangled question, my throat tightened when Roark flung back his arm. His eyes shone fiercely, expression twisting into an ugly portrayal of anger and pure pain as he scoffed loudly.
“Of course, it does! I can’t let that shit happen! Even I knew that my mom had strayed out of the marriage, but my dad didn’t do shit about it! He can’t take it out on JJ just for being born!” Loud and abrasive, Roark’s rough, high pitched shouting made me flinch from the intensity. Leaning back slightly, I let the washcloth fall to the floor to move to straddle him loosely. He still shook under my thighs, great, heaving tremors that were clearly noticeable through both our pairs of jeans. His hands gripped my waist with bruising force even as mine rested above his heart to feel the hard, fast beat.
Smiling down at him, I ignored the tightness in my chest to clear my throat and speak up.
“Roark, you’re an amazing brother- I hope you realize that. Julianne is lucky to have you. She’s your little sister… even if everyone else in the world abandons her, you won’t. That’s all it takes. It only takes one person. As long as she has that one person, no one else matters. Sure, living that way can get lonely, but it won’t last forever. Being a teenager is hard, and whatever she’s going through with your parents is only going to do some good in the long run. She’s going to learn that everyone she meets will hate her for some reason- or no reason at all- and she might not be able to understand why right away. She’ll know what it’s like to have people not care about her, and she’ll try her damnedest to avoid making others feel that way.”
“I- I’m worried… I’m worried she’ll hurt herself, Ally.” My smile died at that, and Roark went ghost white as his own whispered words. “I couldn’t live with myself if-“
“Roark…” Cupping his ashen face, I leaned down until my nose bumped his, and I went a little cross-eyed to keep his swimming gaze. “Everyone hurts themselves in some way at some point. The goal isn’t to stop that. The goal is to make sure Julianne gets through it stronger than she was before. Do you understand?”
“… Yeah… I think so.” Mumbling his response, Roark shuttered his eyelids tightly, but his grip on my waist loosened. Resting my forehead on his, I took a deep breath before closing my eyes as well.
This wasn’t a situation that could be rectified with a single conversation, but it was a start.
Ally
A soft creak stole my attention from the mess that was my desk, and I glanced at the door to watch Julianne slip through the threshold. My heart instantly ached, and I narrowed my eyes on her as she wordlessly sat in her seat. She wouldn’t look at me, giving me the opportunity to scan her profile.
If she knew why her parents neglected her, it didn’t show. Hell, she probably could’ve known a lot longer than Roark and come to terms with it.
“… Julianne? Are you waiting for Roark to pick you up?” At my call, Julianne tensed, and my lip twitched in an attempt to frown. Everything was so clear now; she was so used to being ignored that any type of attention made her uncomfortable. Leaning back in my chair, I crossed my arms over my chest and held my breath as she nodded hastily.
“Uh- yeah. We’re
going to the Botanical Garden with Sam. Roark has a friend that works there that can help me with my project.” Humming with a slight nod, I couldn’t help but smile at the enthusiasm in Julianne’s voice even though it didn’t spread to her expression. She blushed hard, tilting her head away from me, and I slowly pushed myself from my chair to walk over to her.
Roark had crashed at my studio apartment all weekend, and I had a nagging feeling that this was his way of making up his disappearance to his sister.
“It’s good that you’re taking this seriously. You know I only want you to succeed in life, Julianne. So, do you have any idea of what you’re walking into?” Julianne turned a bright, tomato red at my admission, and I leaned on the desk beside her with a growing grin.
“Yeah. I did a lot of research over the weekend, and I think my pretend facility will study genetically modified hallucinogens. Roark tried to get me to do something different, like homeopathic medicine or gene splicing for crop production… but this seems more interesting. And I have less competitors- I looked it up.” My eyes widened at that, and I couldn’t hide the surprised bark of laughter that tore from my throat. In her seat, Julianne stiffened, and I waved my hand as I gathered myself. The brief look of panic on her face was sobering, and I gripped the edge of my desk to sigh heavily.
“I definitely wasn’t expecting you to go there, Julianne. I have other students doing this project, and none of them put so much thought in it. I’m proud of you, you know. I assume you have a questionnaire for Roark’s friend, then?” Julianne was so easily flustered, it was almost pathetic, and I cocked my head when she ducked her head in a nod. Hiding her face behind her hair, she hunched over her empty desk, and I decided to stop torturing her. “That’s good. I look forward to seeing how this turns out.”
Turning to head back to my desk, I paused at the sharp hitch of a breath that echoed around the room. Finally, Julianne turned her eyes to me; I could feel her gaze boring into my back, and she didn’t drop it when I twisted to arch my brows in silent inquiry.