Unconditional love keeps us moving forward, I thought. It’s altruism that offers no bounds and is completely unchanging. An affection and allegiance to the people in our lives — the very same people who likely drive us the craziest — with whom we’ve either been tied to by blood or have chosen as lifelong companions. With no limitations and no exceptions, unconditional love is stronger than reason. More powerful than choice. And it provides us with a dynamic, unexplained energy that lifts us up in the most difficult times, and bonds us to the family members within our complex world of challenge and uncertainty.
The man pushing his mother in her wheelchair was standing by her. Walking alongside her, no matter how big her battle had been, or would be in the future. He was committed to her. No matter what.
And I was committed to my family. To my husband and, most importantly, my son. My immeasurable loyalty to Nate had never been in question. But I had thought about walking away from my husband.
Nothing was going to change the fate that had been handed to us as a family. We were in the battle together, no matter what was thrown at us. I was angry at Pete for not telling me about my father’s illness. He shouldn’t have kept it from me. But he did it to protect me, as well as my father. He did it because he thought it was right. I couldn’t let a mistake that was made based on my genuine best interests get in the way of the altruistic ties that were meant to bind us together as a family.
As a mother who loved her son more dearly than life itself, I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of Nate’s health, whether physical or mental. I simply had no choice. It was the unspoken vow that had wrapped itself around Nate and me the moment I held his six pound, twelve ounce body for the first time, moments after his birth.
My son deserved the world. A world filled with opportunity and health. And he certainly deserved two parents fighting for his recovery, together, as a united couple.
As I walked through the hospital doors, anxious to get back to Nate, a nagging thought continued to play through my mind: if I believed so strongly in loving family members unconditionally, what did that mean for my father and me? He and I had been officially estranged for three years, and he hadn’t been a parent to me since I was seven.
After so many years of my father and me co-existing within the complicated heartache, disappointment, and abandonment that had been my childhood, I didn’t know if there was the same chance of forgiveness with him. Or if I even really wanted it to happen. Even if he was sick.
It was hypocritical, yes. But with everything going on with Nate, thinking through my issues with my father was too much. Dealing with the news of his illness would only serve as a distraction from my focus on Nate. And nothing, no one, was going to take me away from being dedicated to making my son better as quickly as possible.
38
When I reached Nate’s floor, I slowed my pace as I walked by the paper garbage directly outside the nurses’ station, and peeked inside to see if my iPhone was still there.
It was gone.
“Is this what you’re looking for?” a voice piped up from the office behind the nurses’ desk. “I figured you’d return for it.”
I snapped my head up, embarrassed to be caught looking in the garbage, and was greeted by Addy waving my phone.
“I, uh, I guess I lost it …”
“No need to explain. I saved it for you. You know, just in case you wanted it back.” Addy winked as she handed my phone to me.
“Thanks. I guess my actions were a little excessive,” I said. I could feel the heat of embarrassment rush to my cheeks. Obviously, I would need my phone. If not for work, for keeping in touch with close friends and family to update them on Nate.
“You seem like a busy lady. Your phone hasn’t stopped going off since I retrieved it. Anyone I can call for you?”
“Er … no, thanks. It’s okay. I can call them.”
Addy was about to respond but was cut off by a man in the room across from us. He was wailing loudly, and escalating in volume with each word he said. Except for his deep voice, he sounded like a toddler who was throwing a temper tantrum.
Addy recognized the overwhelmed look in my eyes as the screaming continued. “Here, Ashley, why don’t you come back to our office and have a seat. We can sit and chat for a bit. Nate’s not going to wake up for a long while. I expect him to sleep until at least dinner.”
I smiled gratefully and followed the nurse into the office.
“What about Nate’s school? Have you called to let them know he won’t be in today?” Addy asked.
“Damn it! Of course … Nate’s school. It’s Tuesday. Where’s my head?”
“Spinning. And that’s normal. You’re not thinking straight right now, but not many people would be. Don’t worry about the school … you can call them in a bit. I just didn’t want you to forget.”
“What should I tell them? I have no idea what to say to people about all of this.” I could hear the panic lining my voice as I said the words out loud.
“Why don’t you just say that Nate’s sick and you don’t expect him to be in for a few days? It’s all true, and it buys you some time to process all of this.”
I nodded, thinking through what I was going to tell everyone. How could I begin to admit my son was in a psych ward? That he was most likely mentally ill, and we had no idea when, or if, he would get better?
I shuddered at the thought of the stigma and continual bullying that was going to attach itself to my son. The black mark that had been cast on so many people living with a disease that was no fault of their own had created a cruel world for them to live in. I couldn’t stand the thought of the nastiness my son would endure from both kids and adults alike who had no idea that he was just a sweet little boy who, underneath everything else, had a heart of gold.
“Ashley?” Addy interrupted my thoughts. “I was asking about your work. What do you do?”
“Me? Oh, uh, I head up the creative department at an advertising agency here in Toronto.”
“Sounds like a big job.”
“Yeah. It is. I love it, but it’s a ton of work.”
“And what about your husband? Where does he work?”
“He stays at home with the kids. He has for several years now. It’s one of the ways we make it work.”
Addy nodded her head, showing she understood. “My husband and I both work shift work. But I’ve gone down to part-time so we can be more flexible with our kids’ schedules. You do what you have to do for your kids.”
Her last sentence struck me hard. I knew she was talking about more than just schedules.
“Oh crap. What am I going to tell my work? I can’t go back now, and so many of them won’t understand. Very few people have kids in my office,” I said out loud, suddenly anxious about managing my career on top of everything that was going on. “And what’s going to happen? How long will I need to be here? How am I going to work?”
“Let’s just take it one day at a time. For now, tell your work the same thing you’re telling Nate’s school. Your son is sick, and you need to be with him for a few days. That’s it.”
“They’re going to know … Nate, he was missing all night. Tons of people were trying to find him. They know he’s in the hospital.”
“So tell them he’s in the hospital. You don’t need to go into details. And if they ask what’s wrong and you’re not sure what to tell them … or when … keep it simple for now. Just tell him that Nate has to get some tests, and you’re waiting for the results. People don’t need to know the whole story. And if they speculate, well, then they speculate. You can’t control that. With all you’re focused on, I’d say it’s the thing that matters least.”
I nodded, absorbing what Addy was saying. She was right, of course, and it helped to hear it.
“Thanks. I appreciate you talking me through this. If you’ll excuse me, I have to ma
ke those calls. Then I’d like to get back to my husband and son.”
“Of course. I’ll leave you alone so you can have some privacy. In fact, I’ll go check on Nate and see how he’s doing.” Addy rose from her chair and patted my back. Just like the caring nurse from the ER had done. It was a simple gesture, but it made me feel better. It reminded me of my own sweet mother, who used to care for me so tenderly.
I called Nate’s school and sent emails to Jack, Ben, and Brad. Just as Addy had suggested, I kept it simple and told them I’d be away for a bit, taking care of my son. I instructed Ben to take my place and work with Jack and Emily to figure out what meetings he needed to be in.
Instantly, I got an email back from Brad. I held my breath, preparing myself for the questions about Nate’s disappearance.
Instead, his response was gracious and caring.
We’re thinking of you and your family, Ashley. You take care of them, and we’ll take care of the rest here in New York. ~Brad
When I read his reply, I remembered that I hadn’t shared any details of Nate’s disappearance with Brad. He knew nothing more than that I had needed to leave New York. And he didn’t ask any questions, for which I was extremely appreciative.
Ben’s response was similar, saying that he’d rise to the occasion and send emergency emails only.
Unfortunately, Jack’s response wasn’t as considerate or understanding. I could see straight through the rhetoric.
What’s going on, Carty? Sorry to hear you’re going through whatever it is. Doesn’t sound fun. Let us know if we can help in any way. And take the time you need, but remember it’s busy here and we’ll need you back soon. Ben will do for now, but he’s no you. And we need YOU. ~JP
“Not as much as Nate needs me …” I muttered out loud. Without my job, we’d have no income. Or drug plan, which I was sure we were going to need.
Despite the temptation to reply right away, I decided to ignore Jack’s email until the following morning, and return to my son. Addy’s words had etched a spot in my memory, and I remembered her advice of taking it one day at a time.
So Jack could wait for a day. It was my son who needed me most.
39
When I returned to Nate’s room, Pete was chatting with Addy as she took his temperature and monitored his condition.
“Hi,” I greeted them quietly. “How is he?”
“The same. Everything looks good, and the meds are forcing him to sleep. As I said, he’ll be knocked out for a while. Why don’t you go and grab something to eat? Maybe a shower and some fresh clothes, too. There’s nothing we can do while he sleeps, and I have no doubt getting out of here for a while will make you feel better.”
I hesitated. I knew Pete was waiting for my answer, and would go with whatever I felt comfortable with.
“Go on,” Addy continued. “Really. I’ll call you on your mobile if he wakes up, and you can come right back.”
“Well, okay. I guess I can go. As long as you promise to call us if anything happens or the minute Nate wakes up.”
“I promise.”
“We’ll just be gone for an hour or so. Two hours, tops. You don’t think he’ll be awake by then, do you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Pete, is that okay with you?”
He nodded, rising out of his chair. Walking towards the door, I suddenly turned and asked, “Addy, when are you here until?”
“I’m here until seven o’clock. We’ve got lots of time.” She smiled warmly and ushered us out the door.
When we got to our car, Pete sat on the driver’s side but didn’t turn on the car. “Ashley —” he began.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I know you thought it was the right thing, not to tell me. And I’m sorry my father put you in that situation to begin with. Honestly, it’s such a typical thing for him to do … thinking only of himself and not the position it would put you in. Or how it would make me feel.”
Pete bit his lip. I could tell he was refraining from saying something, but I didn’t have the energy to pursue it.
“The only thing I don’t understand is why you didn’t see the connection between what you knew about my father and the signs we were starting to see in Nate.” I was delicate with my words, careful to keep my voice calm and uncritical.
“I don’t know,” Pete answered honestly. “Looking back, I guess I should have. Especially when you were telling me every day that you were concerned about Nate’s behaviour. But I never linked it to what your dad was going through. I never even knew kids could go through something like this. Mental illness is for adults, isn’t it?”
“Apparently not,” I said sadly.
“I’m so sorry, Ashley. I really thought Nate’s hyper behaviour was because he’s a kid. Kids get hyper and do weird stuff. It’s just how it is. I didn’t know. And you were so worried about it that I was completely focused on convincing you he was okay. I guess that, indirectly, I somehow also convinced myself.”
“And what about the depression?”
“He’s been through a lot. We all have. All the bullying that he’s been through has made it tough even for you and me to deal with, and we’re adults. I guess I just thought that he was acting miserable because he was sad about it. Just like we were.”
I nodded. I had no energy to talk about it any further. “Look, Pete, I’m exhausted. We’re both exhausted. And we have a huge mountain in front of us. Let’s just move forward as a team. We need to do that. For Nate’s sake.”
“I know. I agree with you. But we also need to do it for our sake. I love you, Ash. And you need to know I’d never do anything to purposely hurt you or this family. You know that … right?”
I nodded, wanting him to stop talking. I loved him too, but I was so tired I could barely see straight or string a sentence together.
Pete leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek before starting the car, but I pulled away. I had meant what I’d said about needing to be a team, but somehow couldn’t be near him in that particular moment. It was all still too complicated for my exhausted brain to fully process. I needed a bit more time.
Pete pulled out of the hospital parking lot and started towards home. And as we drove through the familiar streets close to our neighbourhood, I relished the silence that was as awkward as it was peaceful.
40
When we got home, Pete put on a pot of coffee. I went upstairs to brush my teeth, anxious to rid myself of the pasty layer of grime that had formed throughout the long night.
I stepped into the shower and let the hot water pound onto my back. I turned it up, practically scalding my skin as a result. Then, a tiny bit hotter. The intensity of the heat felt good, forcing my mind to focus on something different than the fear and pain I couldn’t otherwise shake.
When I couldn’t take the heat any longer, I turned it down and let the spray from the shower hit my face. With no one to see me cry or judge my tears, I sobbed, ultimately giving into exhaustion and sitting on the floor of the shower. I curled up into a ball and wept.
After I couldn’t take any more, I got out of the shower and wrapped myself in one of our thick, white towels. Puffy-eyed and sopping wet, I stared at myself in the mirror. The face that peered back at me was so different from the one I had seen last; there was a purple welt on my temple from where Nate had hit me, and my eyes were bloodshot from crying so much. I could barely even recognize the person I had become overnight. My face, swollen and red from the shower, looked almost distorted, and my eyes appeared haunted by fear.
Water from my shoulder-length blonde hair dripped onto my shoulders as I continued to stare at myself, feeling almost drunk. My bloated eyes were making things seem blurry, and I was so over-caffeinated and in need of food that I felt jittery and faint.
When I was finally able to peel myself out of my towel, I went to our walk-in closet and change
d into comfy jeans and a warm turtleneck. I shuffled down the stairs and into our kitchen, to let Pete know he could have the shower.
I grabbed more coffee and sat at the kitchen table to call Tay. I needed to talk to her myself. To give her my own update, and see how Grace was doing.
“We’re good, Ash. Don’t worry about us. The kids are all getting along well, and we can be a big, happy family over here for as long as you need. Don’t worry about us.”
“Thanks. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”
“Grace has calmed down now that she knows Nate is safe. But she has a lot of questions. She keeps asking to see you. Do you think you’ll be able to see her at some point soon?”
“I don’t know. I want to, of course. And I’ll call for sure. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to see her today. They think Nate will wake up around dinner, so I want to be there by mid-afternoon at the latest. And she’s in school until then.” I felt guilty for not going to see Grace, but I couldn’t leave Nate. I was being pulled by the opposite poles of my children.
“Do you think I could bring her to the hospital?”
“No. I don’t want her there. Not yet, anyway. Nate hasn’t woken up yet, and it’s a bit of a scary place. I think it would be too much for her. She can’t be there until I’ve figured out a way to let her know what’s going on in a way that she will understand.”
“Okay. So then what should I tell her?”
“Tell her I’ll call her later on tonight. That I miss her and love her, but that I need to be with Nate right now.”
“And what do you want me to say about Nate?”
“Just that he is sick, and he’ll be okay, but he needs to stay in the hospital for a while so the doctors can monitor him and better understand what is going on with him.”
“She’s a clever kid, Ash. She’s going to figure things out sooner than you realize. You need to think of a way to be more honest with her.”
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