by A. Hart
As I ate I began to feel stronger and built up the courage to laugh. I turned the TV to an I Love Lucy re-run and began giggling. It felt good to laugh but it still felt strange, un-natural. I saw Darcy glance in and smile at me as she bossed around the intern nurses. When I caught her stare she winked at me and kept on talking. I smiled lightly as I shook my head and turned back to my TV.
I thought about him often over the next few months. Where he was, what he was doing, when he would call, if he would. When I’d see him. If he was safe. Thoughts raced through my mind all the time and I had to put on my smile and distracted myself with pranking the nurses and sneaking candy to the PEDS unit.
I recalled a painful conversation we had had a few nights before he disappeared. He laid in my bed with me, his arms wrapped around me and my head on his chest. He told me about his job and what it entailed. He told me that few guys had relationships because it was impossible to keep in touch or predict when they would be able to. They were at the needs of the Army and they owned them .I kept myself from telling him that I longed to own him myself...
He told me that he cared for me and never wanted me to think different. I shook my head at him and said "How could you not like all this...” sarcastically as I motioned from my bald head down my weak bruised body. I had laughed but his face had stayed serious…concerned. . He said "I'm serious Em...I..."I had cut him off, told him I understood and placed kiss on his cheek. Now I was kicking myself. I was dying to know what he was going to say.
Although he said that and he seemed like he meant it at the time, how did I know he still would mean it later on. Things could change. What if I believed it like he told me to and then he got a restraining order against me because I was "stalking" him... telling him "wait remember you care for me" as I stared at him with crazy eyes from inside of his dumpster. I laughed at myself at how dramatic my thoughts could turn and sighed at how frustrated I was.
I shook my head back into the present, away from that dark memory and back to the fair with Cal. It was short lived because then Cal’s big blue eyes gave me a look of concern and my mind flashed to the last year without him. I was back in my mind, caught up in all my memories…
Chapter Six
Emerson
November 2011
Over the next few months after Cal left, I recovered and got on the RN waiting list at a local college. I took pre-req classes while I waited. I went out drinking for the first time ever and flirted with guys…but my mind always flashed to Cal. I saw him everywhere. Everyone had tried to set me up on dates including Darcy and my sister, Elliot. I just couldn't do it...It felt wrong to be out with another guy when Cal was somewhere out there, hopefully thinking of me. All the guys seemed nice but they were, boring...lacking. There was no spark, no interest. Until Sid.
He was toxic. I think I had known it from the moment I met him but something drew me to him. He was dangerous. He was everything that Cal wasn't. I was intrigued...curious. I was trying to break from my obsession with Cal, trying to mend my heart. Instead I wound up in a situation that ended up badly, but not as badly as it could have. I learned a lesson. I found myself antsy at the thought of running into Sid ever again. I avoided him like the plague and my heart dropped anytime I saw anyone who resembled him, but not in the good way, not the way my heart sank when I thought of Cal.
I only saw Sid once at a bar in Downtown Sacramento. I was with my childhood best friend Sarah, and a couple other girlfriends. I had to physically pull Sarah out of the bar and away from "kicking his ass" and back to her car. I managed to keep her quiet and calm enough to go unnoticed. Thankfully the bar was crowded and loud, Sid didn’t notice her "Oh hell no!..." as she started swinging towards him. She could be a little dramatic sometimes, but it was what made my life interesting.
I started my volunteer work a couple months ago and enjoyed my time with each patient. I listened to their stories and learned from their lives. I started my RN program recently and split my time between there and the nursing home. I got an apartment with help from my parents but it was more mine than a hospital room. I ate food I hadn’t eaten in what felt like decades, I went to the beach and felt the wind in my hair... I lived. I was alive. I had fought and won but Cal was everywhere and it wore on me every day.
I felt a hand on mine as reality set in. I was snapped back into the present, back to 2012 at the country fair and Cal was there, his hand on mine. "Emm. You okay?" He said with that concerned look on his face. "Yeah...yeah...I’m fine" I said as I nodded my head lightly and shot him a half smile. “Where’d you go?” He asked. “I’m just tired.” I shrugged. My eyes were caught on his as I heard music start up in the background and a roar of cheers and "yee-ha’s”. I smiled remembering the many times Cal and I danced in my hospital room. "Alright Cowboy it’s time to see if you still have those moves." I stood up and put my hand out. He laughed. “Good thing I packed them then...." I smiled “Good Thing.” He grabbed my hand and we walked around the corner to the dance floor. There was couples dancing and others standing on the side clapping and stomping their feet as the country band played.
They played “honky-tonk ba-donk-a-donk” by Trace Atkins. I laughed as Cal showed me his "moves". It was funny seeing such a large, muscular and serious man "shake that thang". He grabbed my hand and twirled me around a few times. We laughed and danced, being silly and weird like it was just the two of us. Then suddenly the song ended and we both laughed taking a deep breath and looked at each other.
The band began playing again but this time it was "Everywhere" by Tim McGraw. It was slow and sweet and sad. Cal took a deep breath and placed his hand out in front of me, he smiled lightly, almost like he was in pain. I took his hand and my heart began to race, my hands felt tingly at his touch. He swept me into his arms and began leading me around the floor, one hand on my hip and the other in mine. He laced our fingers together and my heart began to beat louder. I was so aware of his hands, so large in comparison to mine, warm and strong. I placed my head on his chest, resisting the urge to kiss him. I felt his chest rise and fall under my head and fell into his body. I let him move me and swayed with him.
He placed his chin on my head and then I felt his breath on my ear. Shivers went down my spine. "Em..." he whispered. I bit my lip after I realized I groaned and he continued "You haunt my dreams...just like I knew you would." I looked up at him, my eyes wide and filled with tears. I blinked to get rid of them but one fell on my cheek. I pushed my head into his chest, trying to hide my face. He rubbed his hand on my back and continued to sway me, kissing me on the top of my head.
He took a deep breath like he was preparing himself for a blow and then he whispered in my ear again "my sunshine... I missed you Em." I looked up at him again but this time I was weakened. My heart was melting and my knees were weak. He took his hand out of mine long enough to wipe my tears and then cupped my cheek, brushing his thumb on my hot face. I whimpered to myself, hoping he didn’t hear it. He looked at me, his eyes piercing through my soul. They made me brave enough to whisper back to him, my voice raspy and weak "you haunt me too you know...” He leaned back as he studied my face, looking at me with that look, the one that melted me into a pile of mush.
He placed his lips on mine softly and I kissed him back. He continued to sway us as he moved his hand from my cheek to the back of my neck. I pushed myself into him harder and lifted myself up on my tippy toes to reach him better, wanting more...needing more. He pulled me into him with his hand on my hip, moving it to my lower back. Our tongues began swirling, I could taste him and it brought a swarm of memories running through my mind, a rush of hormones washed over me and I knew I was falling for him all over again. He leaned back and took a breath while looking at me, like a little boy who just snuck a cookie. I wanted to yell at him for stopping but instead I laughed at him awkwardly and said. "Hi..." he laughed back "Hey cute girl."
His phone began ringing, he looked down and sighed "shit...hold on Em." He walked off the dance flo
or and covered one ear as he spoke into the mouth piece. I followed him and motioned to the bathroom. He nodded his head at me and smiled as he continued to talk on the phone. I walked into the bathroom and splashed water on my face, which was burning with emotion. Slow down...you've been waiting over a year for this...don’t blow this by just going with it...don’t pull an Emerson. Think it through... I nodded my head at myself. I could do this, I could take it slow. I promised myself that was exactly what I would do, no matter how hot he was or how bad I wanted to jump him...I would resist. I needed to slow it down and not mess this up. I owed it to both of us not to.
Chapter Seven
Calvin
Jenny was screaming loudly on the other side of the phone "Cal where in the world are you?! … It’s hard to hear...It’s packed!" I covered my ear so I could hear her better and walked away from the music. "I can hear that....Um...I'm....Well I got caught up with something." I heard her sigh on the other line "Calvin Henry Smith I will not allow you to sit tonight out! You need to get your giant butt over here and enjoy the night with us damn it!" I sighed and said "I know Jen...I will but..." She cut me off before I could say anything else "No...No Buts MR.... I’ll see you in 30 minutes, Love ya.” She hung up. I wiped my hand down my face and took a deep breath.
This was going to be along night. I could barely keep myself together and now I had to deal with my crazy cheer-leader on steroids little sister and my outrageously blunt best friend. Along with a most likely drunk and rowdy group of old friends, that the two of them wrangled up. I looked up, thoughts racing through my head. Suddenly all the stress calmed in my chest and I was breathless again. Emerson’s smile brought a flutter to my chest and I wanted more. I wanted to crush my lips on hers and feel my hands running up and down her body.
` Instead I stood up and walked towards her. She smiled and said "hey everything okay?" I replied "Yeah…sorry about that...It was Jenny. I was supposed to meet her at O’Neil’s...like an hour ago." Her face went blank...She looked concerned? She looked up at me "Oh...um...okay...well I didn’t mean to keep you from...her" She smiled shyly. What did she think...oh no…she didn’t remember my sisters name. "No no no" I put my hand out and laughed "Jenny...My sister!" she went still and then sighed. Her face pinked a little, which made me smile "Oh yeah...Oh okay." A huge grin of relief replaced her frown. "My bad I totally forgot, I think because you used to call her Jennifer...” I laughed and said "Yeah I usually call her Jennifer to other people but she would rip my face off, so I try to get used to saying Jenny or Jen when I'm in town." She laughed at my response, I loved it when she laughed.
I sighed anxiously "So Its Jenny and My brother in -law Sam and probably a large group of belligerently drunk friends getting trashed and playing pool...so if you want to bail that’s fine but I really would love..." She cut me off "No need, you had me at belligerently drunk." I smiled as she continued “drinks and pool sounds great." I laughed as I reached my hand out. "Shall we?" She placed her hand softly in mine "Why yes Mr. Smith...we shall."
Emerson
My hand was linked in his as we walked through the fair. It burned at his touch and I wanted him to kiss me again. I hadn’t had a kiss like that well, since we kissed the last time. I remembered it always being amazing but this kiss took amazing and blew it up with a huge magnificent fireworks show. I looked up at him while we walked and smiled. My voice was low and raspy. "Am I Dreaming?" His face went from a smile to a sad look and he dropped his eyes down to me "God I hope not." I smiled to myself as I swung our hands while we walked through the parking lot.
We reached a dark blue truck that was lifted and a little run down but in a weird way it looked like him. Classic. I laughed and said "Nice Ride Buddy." He threw his hand over his heart like he was wounded. "Ah that’s right you have never met, you don’t like big blue?" I raised my eyebrow "Well we never left the hospital…I was kind of stuck there if you don’t remember.” I gave him a wink and his face went a little sad “I remember”. He whispered. I smiled, trying to lighten the mood “So big blue huh?" That did the trick, he smiled at me as he patted the bed of his truck "Yes Mam this is my baby right here.” I watched him as he rubbed his hand down the side of the truck "I've been building it... fixing it up since I was 14." He said, I looked at him a little impressed “Well then...It’s nice to meet you Mr. Blue." I patted the bed of the notorious truck. Cal laughed at me and said “Okay sweet cheeks hop in." He opened the passenger door and pointed inside the truck. I corked my head and shot him a smirk. "Well daddy told me to never take rides from strangers…"
He paused for a second and then smiled an almost evil grin as his head dropped a little and he slowly walked towards me. My heart began racing again. One arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him as the other fell on the back of my neck. "I guess I have to remind you then Mam'...I’m not a stranger..." He raised his eyebrows and brushed his lips over mine. My knees grew weak as he kissed me gently. I grabbed his soft fluffy hair and pulled his head back "This is by far my favorite dream." He kissed me again and then pulled back, studying my face with a grin. “There’s been others huh?" My face immediately went flush and I ducked my head down trying to hide my smile. He made me feel like a high school girl again. His hands softly glided down my arms, leaving my fingertips. "I’ll take that as a yes." He winked and then helped me into his truck lifting me halfway by my waist.
We rode in his truck mostly in silence as we listened to his George Straight CD. We talked occasionally but for the most part we just drove, windows down and wind blowing on our faces. It was dark and peaceful. I felt so comfortable and safe. I could tell he did too and my stomach began flipping with anxiety. This all happened so fast, I couldn’t believe it was happening. Yesterday I was longing to see him, wondering where he was and today we had kissed. It was strange how quickly we just fell back into things but I was starting to worry that it was too good to be true.
Things like this didn’t just "Happen". I knew that when I met him originally and I knew it now. Stories like this never ended with happy endings, it just wasn’t in the cards. My heart sank a little at the thought that this would end one day, whether it was tonight, next week or years down the road, this would end and I would be shattered. I shook my head as I laid my hand over his to remind myself that he was here...and this was real. He laced our fingers again and I took a deep breathe of relief. He is here and this is real. It may not last but I was sure as hell going to squeeze every minute I could out of it...I would be stupid not to. This was a once in a lifetime romance and I was smart enough to know that.
As I listened to the hum of the truck, bouncing beneath our seats I thought back to when this all started....
August 23rd 2011
I was sitting in the common room of Sutter Roseville Hospital getting my chemo treatment just as I did almost every morning. The room was big and had lots of windows for light. I liked sitting in there so I could soak up the sun. That day I sat next to my best friend in the oncology ward, Ethel. She was in her mid-seventies and had won my heart with her sweet gentle smile.
We would sit and talk about so many things. She'd tell me her stories of love and loss, about her children, grandchildren and the many things they had done. I loved just listening to her, soaking up her energy, her life. She was so full of it and I truly envied her. We had both just finished a Popsicle (one of Ethel’s many creative ideas to keep our minds off of the drip in our arms) I was most likely looking like I just got the crap kicked out of me and had forgotten about my red stained popsicle lips.
I looked up from my chair and immediately caught his stare. He was walking down the hall towards me in his army uniform, holding a bouquet of flowers. Holy crap he was gorgeous...oh my god...why the hell is he walking over here. I prayed that he would turn before he reached me but of course he didn’t. He smiled and my heart began to melt. I sat up and tried to straighten myself out. Like that was possible.
He walked up to Ethel and lifted her hand up to
his mouth. "Hi Beautiful." He said as he kissed her hand. "Oh Calvin." She said as she slapped his arm..."You’re going to cause rumors all over the hospital." She smiled as he handed her the flowers and kissed her on her forehead. He laughed as he said "How you doing Granny?" Granny? Holy Crap this was her grandson she talked about a few times who was in the Army? She never went into too much detail. Certainly didn’t tell me that he was gorgeous. She patted him on the arm as he kneeled down to be on her level. "I’m good sweetie, certainly better now that you are here." He smiled and looked over at me. I politely smiled at him and tried to look away.
He looked back at Ethel "I came to take my sweet granny home." I gasped in disbelief "What? Ethel? You’re leaving me?" She looked at me with sad eyes and patted my arm "I’m sorry honey, I wanted to tell you...I just didn’t know how or when. Today was my last day of this Hell...I went into remission last week, the doctor just wanted to give me a little extra meds to make sure…" I pouted in horror as a tear formed in my eyes. "Ethel..." I swallowed trying to choke back my tears. "I'm so happy for you but...but what the hell am I going to do without you?"
I looked at her with disbelief in my eyes. She smiled "Oh you'll be just fine. You’ll be outta here in no time...I know it...plus now I won’t have to bore you with all my stories..." I looked at her and placed my hand on her frail arm "Ethel you could never bore me ...I adore you... I’m going to be so lonely..." I frowned and Ethel smiled then looked at her grandson who was looking at me like he had seen a ghost. I looked at him briefly and then shook my head...maybe I had something on my face? Crap! My lips. I tried to slyly wipe my mouth with my hand that didn’t have a million tubes hanging out of it. He tried to cover a chuckle with a slight cough. I sighed realizing it was a lost cause.