by A. Hart
It shouldn’t be that way. I shouldn’t owe them anything for that. Family was supposed to be unconditional with no terms and no limits. They always had an excuse why they couldn’t make it to visit me. Their inability to be supportive of me was just about the only thing they seemed to be on the same page about and the only thing they seemed to work together on. My sister was able to visit me once to twice a week, despite her busy work schedule and her far drive. I had learned that my parents seemed to always shy away from any true emotion, that’s when they would always do what they thought easiest and throw money at it, something they were both good at. That was just how my family was. It was a strange world to grow up in and still be able to understand how it is supposed to be. Looking at Cal’s family it was clear how it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be easy, natural and full of love.
I had been dreading meeting Cal’s parents because I thought that was how they were going to be, superficial and shut off to emotion. I knew that Cal’s Dad had served 30 years as a local Fire Chief and his mom was a successful child psychologist, so they worked hard but I also knew that Ethel came from old money and had passed it down. In my experience, at least with my Family and their friends, money made things fake and made it easy to escape life’s true responsibilities. This family didn’t seem tainted by that at all. I smiled at the realization that not everyone is the same, that you have a choice in life to be a better person, a compassionate person.
I snapped out of it as I finished hugging his mom and then went to shake his dad’s hand. We stood and talked for a little while. Nothing too embarrassing or scandalous, mostly just small chat and sometimes they would ask questions about my schooling. As I looked around I tried to take note of who I recognized from Ethel’s stories. It was kind of funny being here because although I had never met anyone in his family other than Jenny and Ethel, I already knew everyone in detail. I knew about all of Cal’s crazy cousins and his uncles and aunts life choices. I knew about the divorces, scandals and drama and I knew that through it all Ethel was deeply in love with every single member of her family. I never met such a romantic person, so capable of love, until I met her very favorite grandson Cal. I suspected now that had something to do it. They shared the same heart and the same approach to life.
Cal’s parents politely excused themselves to go mingle with other guests. We ate and drank and got caught up in a few more group conversations. Cal frequently made excuses about needing to go find a specific person and then proceeded to pull me into a secluded corner and begin making out with me. At first I was a little worried and pushed him away calling him crazy but I had to admit it was exciting. He was sexy and treated me like a highly desirable woman, it pushed me to want to be that woman. I found myself getting butterflies and an intense high unlike any other as soon as he grabbed my hand and gave his lame excuse to whomever we were talking to.
As soon as the DJ began to play music and the lanterns turned on Cal pulled me onto the dance floor and twirled me around in a frenzy of romantic rotations, just as he had at the fair and then again on our first official date. Could this man get any better? I stared up at him in the realization that this man was most likely the love of my life. I would probably never find another. My mind got stuck on the fact that he was leaving in a week, the dangers of his job, the outcome of what happened last time he left and then the cold fact that even if he loved me back, even if he came back, even if he came back to be with me…there was one thing I could never give him. One thing I knew he truly wanted and one thing he deserved. One thing that my one weak ovary could probably never provide.
Cal would be the best dad. He was gentle, stern, loving and loyal. Could I take that from him for my own selfish reasons? My heart ached as I stared into those all-knowing eyes and they began to search for what I was thinking about…. Damn it...how could I take that from this perfect man? I love him… I would always love him but would it be enough? I wasn’t sure and I couldn’t let my selfish wants take from his life…he deserved everything, he deserved better.
A piece of my heart broke in that moment and I had to choke back the tears that were swelling against my eyes. I didn’t want to make him sacrifice his future family but at the same time my stomach started hurting at the thought of my future family not being him. It would probably have to be just him and me. Now that I fell in love with Copper about an hour ago when Cal introduced me, maybe we could get more dogs. Maybe we could be those people that had dogs for kids and maybe that could be enough, maybe….just maybe…
Chapter Twenty-Four
Calvin
She was upset almost instantly, as if she was going to cry, as if a thought she had disturbed her. I was leaving in five days and I knew how it would affect her, at least I was hoping she would be sad, that she didn’t want me to go. I spun her and pulled her tight into my chest, trying to hold her as tight as I could. I wished that this moment would be enough, that maybe holding on tight would freeze this moment. I could stay here with her forever, safe and happy. I held her tight as we swayed to the slow music. I placed a kiss on the top of her head and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She looked up at me as if her soul was temporarily soothed.
“You about ready to head back home Darlin”.” She stopped us from swaying and looked at me with a blank stare like I had said something strange. Oh Shit… I took a deep breath and prepared to back pedal. “I meant your place, sorry, I’m tired and I’ve just been staying there a lot so it just...” She smiled brightly as she cut me off “I’d like that.” I lowered my hands on her hips and steadied her, now I was the confused one. “Huh? You would like what babe?” She tilted her head with a slight but nervous smile and quietly responded. “I would like for it to be our place.”
I was taken back a little as I raised my brow. My pause seemed to make her nervous because she began to slowly pull back from me. I tightened my hold on her as I just stared at the old willow tree and whispered down to her “please just stay like this, just for a minute.” She seemed to hesitate a little but then slowly laid back against me and nuzzled into my chest. Now was the perfect time to do it. This was the perfect time to tell her that I loved her, to claim her as mine. I wanted to say hell yeah ill move in. I wanted to jump up and down at the proposal. Yet for some reason I was stuck in this moment, frozen, unable to move, think, smile, talk… paralyzed….think Cal! Talk, move, damn it Cal do something ….Tell her you love her!
Before I could act she looked up with me with a look of rejection, eyes swelling with tears that were close to falling down her face. I went to open my mouth but froze again… damn it Cal…She continued to stare into my soul for what seemed like eternity and although my heart wrenched with pain for how she was feeling, I could stare into those eyes forever. Suddenly the stare broke as she softly shook her head and slowly looked away. I lowered my head to say something…anything...but she beat me to the punch.
In a quiet raspy, broken voice she whispered calmly…”Cal...I’m so sorry, this probably isn’t the place but…” I stared at her with my heart beating against my rib cage, terrified and paralyzed waiting for the next word to come out of her mouth. She looked at me softly and then shook her head again, this time a single tear landing on her cheek “Cal…I just can’t do this…its over…I don’t know what else to say…I’m sorry.” She stepped away from me slowly, almost begging me to grab her hand. Her eyes locked on mine as she slowly backed away, pleading me to speak, to do anything. Yet I stood there motionless in the middle of the dance floor, paralyzed with my heart on the floor.
Emerson
I walked away slowly for the first minute, hoping that he would stop me, that he would grab me and shake me and tell me I was being crazy. Nope he just stood there. He just stood there! My heart ached a million times and I wasn’t sure what I had just done or why. I think I knew I had to end it sooner or later. Why should I hurt longer? Why should I wait for the inevitable? I was already so deep that I would need a freaking rescue team to find me
under all the debris that was left from hurricane Cal. Why bury myself further? No this was the right thing to do. I knew that now as I walked down the gravel driveway, my shoes in hand. I felt the sharp rocks under my feet and winced but I didn’t really care. It was like I had just survived a plane crash and was walking away still in shock from the damage. I walked in the dark, not really knowing where I was going but just walking…
I thought about calling Sarah and having her get me. She would try and talk sense into me or just try and get me to talk. That was the last thing I needed. I needed to just breathe fresh air and feel my wounds. Did I do the right thing? God I hated this. Yes …yes I did the right thing. He wasn’t ready for what I wanted, obviously, he just stood there for God’s sake! He didn’t write me last time he disappeared and probably wouldn’t this time either. Eventually he would want a family and I couldn’t give him one.
Cal was perfect and amazing… God I loved him but how selfish of me to think that entitled me to claim him. No, he belonged to someone who could give him what he needed and apparently since he seemed not to even think about stopping me, what he wanted. Yes I did the right thing. It was finally time to move on and deal with my reality, in a way I felt free and yet at the same time trapped by my complete love for the man. My heart was heavy and felt like it was going to fall through my stomach and onto the sharp gravel…maybe that would be best. Maybe it would be less painful. Chemo was better than this. Surgery recovery looked like a Hawaii vacation right then and I almost begged for the comforts of the hospital. At least with Cancer I had a chance. At least with Cancer there was medicine and procedures that could be done to save me. With Cal…there was nothing to save me. I was sinking and drowning and there was no surgery. There was no IV drip and no amount of hope that could bring me back to life.
I took a deep breath and realized that I had no Idea how long I had been walking or where I was. God how long is this freaking driveway? It felt like I had been walking forever and yet it seemed I had gotten nowhere. I looked at my phone…two missed calls from Cal and one voicemail. “Nope…don’t do it Em…Just don’t even go there… 4 minutes…I have only been walking 4 minutes, slow as a snail since I am currently in the same mind set as a zombie.” Talking to myself didn’t seem to help so I decided to shut up and let my mind drift again as I walked. When I heard tires rolling behind me I wiped my face and tried to stand up straight. I realized it was probably a party guest headed home. The last thing I wanted was someone stopping and trying to talk to me or telling Cal that I was walking on the side of the road crying. Cal’s parents didn’t deserve the gossip and neither did Cal. No matter how mad at him I was at that moment I still loved him and cared for him. What a curse. I tried to put on my best smile and used my hand as a visor to shield the bright head lights as I looked back politely.
Sid
That idiot had finally found himself useful. He did something to upset little miss perfect and she ran off. It was dark on this long drive way and it didn’t seem like any of the party guest were leaving yet. She hadn’t wandered far, not nearly as far as I wanted but it would have to do. We had somewhere to be and she was wandering around like a lost child. I didn’t have time for her to go 10 more feet. That could take all damn night at the rate she was going. She would be upset about her little falling out with Mr. Macho and easy to persuade. If not…well I had an idea of how to make her come quietly. I smiled at myself. She noticed my headlights by now and was looking back at me with a fake polite smile on her face. How I couldn’t wait to smack that grin right off of her, maybe take some teeth out in the process. I smiled to myself…I couldn’t wait to teach her that she wasn’t as perfect as she thought she was.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Calvin
What the hell was I doing? I snapped out of it as I saw Emerson turn the corner. I had to stop her. I had to talk to her. I had to tell her I loved her. God damn it! Its over? It can’t be over, not like this, not unless she doesn’t love me. Panic started to fill my chest. What made her say those things? Is that how she feels? My heart was heavy and beating against my chest. I couldn’t lose her, I needed her, what had I done? Why had I froze? This isn’t what I want, she’s what I want. Despite the stares of the few people who were nearby, I started to run after her. I wanted to yell out to her but I was already getting too many curious looks. I hated drawing attention to myself but I ran anyway…slowly starting to close the gap between us.
Suddenly something blocked me. I tried to look around it, tried to maneuver around it but when my eyes focused I realized it was a well composed but obviously drunk Sam. He stepped right in front of me as I watched Emerson disappear down the dark driveway. I wanted to push him out of the way and run after her but my legs slowed. I could tell he needed something and I couldn’t deny him of even the smallest favor, not after I was going to leave again and not after he had watched over my little sister. I would talk to him then hop in big blue and drive until I found Emerson. I prayed she didn’t have time to call Sarah. I realized that even if she did she would have to wait for her and that would buy me time.
“Hey what are you in such a rush for?” Sam asked in a soft concerned voice. I huffed, not from exhaustion but more from panic “Uh man, I fucked it up with Em…” Sam’s eyes twisted a little in confusion and then he smiled up at me “Damn man it’s been like a week!” I laughed lightly “Yeah yeah, I know, I’m about to go fix it, what’s up?” He waved his hand at me “No never mind go get her man, I’ll be fine.”
I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breathe. “No man seriously what’s up?” He shrugged his shoulders “It’s nothing big, I’m just a little trashed and Jenny’s staying here tonight so she can go shopping with your Mom and Granny tomorrow. I feel guilty asking her to drive my drunk ass all the way home and then drive back….I just figured since you only had one drink that you could drive me but you have bigger problems…I’m sure I can find one sober person in this crowd.” I laughed looking around at the crowds of cops, judges and noble members of our community stumbling over themselves and talking loudly.
Most would get cabs or have loved ones come get them. “Thank God for having teenage kids” is what my former middle school teacher told me about an hour ago when he fell over a chair. A few select people, like my uncle would probably crash in one of the guest rooms or even in my bed. I shook my head lightly “Not likely man, Come on I’ll take you…as long as you don’t mind a quick detour?” I asked as he smiled “Nah man that’s fine, let me just say good bye to Jenny, be right back.”
I watched him run over to Jenny and pick her up hugging her. I smiled to myself. Then I dug out my phone and called Emerson. It rang for what felt like forever and then went to voicemail. I hung up and dialed again. This time when it reached the voicemail I took a deep breath and decided I didn’t have the luxury to be scared anymore. After the beep I just let it all out “Em, baby...I don’t know what the hell I was doing back there. Hell yeah Ill move in, I want that princess, I want this with you, I want you to be mine and I want to be yours...”I took another long deep breathe. “I wanted to say this in person Em I don’t know why I didn’t back there but if it will help you forgive me then I’ll say it now…” Here I go I thought…”I love you…I always have.”
Just as I finished my last word Sam came running up. I hung up the phone and slid it into my pocket. I smiled as he slowed towards me “Sorry bro you know how your sister can be, my girl is a talker.” I smiled knowing my little sister and then waved to her. As we began to walk to my truck I picked up the pace. Sam seemed to get the hint and picked up the speed with me. I turned to him when we hopped in the truck “Hey I may need a place to crash…” Sam smiled “If you messed it up as bad as I would expect you had, then yeah…you will…” He smirked at me, “Of course bro the couch is always available.” I half laughed, half sighed as I started the engine “Thanks man. “
Emerson
I stood there like an idiot covering my face with my hand,
shielding it from the bright headlights. Why was this person driving so slowly? Were they lost? Or did they want to ask me something? Between the glasses of champagne and the epic heart break I was in, my head was fuzzy. Although I just couldn’t put my finger on it, something didn’t feel right. I had an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The car continued to slowly creep forward. I told myself to calm down. It was probably just a party guest being polite and asking me if I needed a ride. Of course I would say no but I also wanted to be polite and at least nicely tell them.
The car got within about ten feet of me and then just stopped. The windows were tinted dark. I squinted to look in but couldn’t see who it might be. I stood waiting for them to roll down their window. Then suddenly my eyes flickered up to a smaller light in the distance. There was two lights and they were getting larger every second. It was another car. I walked towards the car that was currently in front of me to be polite. Suddenly the car that I could now tell was red, sped off, kicking rocks up in the air and almost ran over my foot. I jumped back almost falling over my heels. That’s weird. Maybe they thought I was someone else and got embarrassed when they didn’t recognize me? Maybe they just wanted to make sure I was okay or maybe they were drunk. I hoped it wasn’t the last one but it would explain the strange behavior.