Instead she stared blankly at the empty television screen.
Matt hadn’t said anything specific, but she could tell he wanted her to stay in Hawaii. Little turns of phrase sounded like long-range plans, not passing comments. And she wanted to stay.
If they’d gotten together after college, would she have chosen a career that fulfilled her? They could have married and had a house full of kids.
There was no point in trying to imagine it. They were different people now, with so many more life experiences behind them. Who they used to be had no reflection on their chances for a successful relationship now.
Is that what she wanted? A full relationship with Matt? They could try long distance. She could fly out on vacation a couple times a year. He could do the same. Perhaps even a few weekends here and there if she found some discount flights.
It was better than nothing. They would have a chance to find out if what they felt was real, or just the memory of first love lost.
She sighed and drew up her knees, resting her arms across them. If they did have something real between them, at some point they would need to pick a place to live together.
Matt had his business there on Maui. He couldn’t just walk away from that and find a new job in Podunk, Missouri.
So she would be the one expected to move. She’d have to leave the job she hadn’t even begun yet, sell her house in a weak market, give up everything she’d finally obtained on her own.
Again. She would give up her life for a man again.
But Matt wasn’t like Ted. He wasn’t controlling. He’d never ask her to completely turn her life over to him.
She could try to find a job at a nursing home on the island. There had to be a few, or a senior center where she could coordinate activities. Old people could be found wherever she went, it wasn’t as if the Midwest held the only supply of seniors.
She shifted again, crossing her ankles to sit tailor-style. For that matter, she hadn’t started her job yet. There wouldn’t be any real repercussions from bowing out now, before she started. She could rent out her home until the market improved. Real estate was a sound investment in the long run, wasn’t it?
But where would she be if they didn’t work out?
She’d be in the same spot as when she divorced. She’d have to find a job all over again.
This was so stupid! She had a job. She had the dream job she always wanted, one with potential to advance. One with retirement and benefits and paid vacation and…and…
And no Matt.
Tears welled before spilling free. Her breaths came in gasps but she was damned if she would cry. Why did it always come to this? The choice between a man and her dreams? God, she would have been better off living in a time when a man was the only dream she needed.
She couldn’t do this. Not again. She knew herself well enough to know if there were any chance of a life with Matt, she would walk away from anything and everything to make it work.
She wasn’t ready to do that. And she wasn’t strong enough to put her foot down. Hell, she’d only come to realize a short time ago that she had choices again. She couldn’t give it up.
Curling on her side, burying her face in her pillow, she let the tears come. The ache. The gut-tearing pain that came with walking away.
When she could see again and speak without her voice catching, she picked up her phone and called the airline to change her flight.
Chapter 6
Matt tumbled in the crashing wave, letting the ocean have the control it demanded. Holding his breath, he stayed relaxed and drifted until the wave settled, then kicked his way to the surface. He sucked in air, glanced back to see the progress of the next wave and paddled to catch it as the water swelled around him.
This wave he rode in to shore, letting his body be his surfboard. When he got close to the beach he stood and shook the water from his hair. His muscles were drained. He’d stayed out there bodysurfing probably longer than he should have, but the ocean was the best release he’d found since Jen left.
A month had passed since the man at the front desk stopped him on his way to pick her up for dinner after work. The clerk had handed him a note, which he read as he rode the elevator to Jen’s floor.
She was gone. The note wasn’t so much a Dear John letter as it was an update to a casual friend. Plans had changed; she was flying home sooner than expected. She thanked him for showing her around the island.
And that was all. No “Let’s do it again soon”, no “I’ll call when I get home”. What was up with that?
He knew she’d had feelings for him, probably the same thing he felt for her. He was pretty damned certain it was love. Not the promising crush of their youth that hinted at what might lie ahead. An easy, grown-up emotion that infiltrated his entire being with a need for having Jen close.
Her laughter. Her sighs when they watched late night TV while curled up together in the afterglow of the totally insane, crazy-hot sex they shared. The gasp that escaped her when she saw something beautiful in nature.
They’d shared more than their bodies. So why’d she packed up and taken the first flight back to Missouri?
As he dried himself in the parking lot next to his car, he knew he would call her again when he got back to the house. She had yet to answer. He was having an affair with her voice mail. Not once did he question her actions. There was nothing accusatory in his tone, no weak begging either.
“Hey, honey, I just got back from body surfing. The water is a bit cool still, and the air hasn’t warmed up enough to make the first brisk shock feel refreshing.” He wandered through his living room as he spoke. Pausing at the window, he gazed at the mountains in the distance behind the house.
“You should see the sky today. So blue, with a few puffy clouds over the mountains. It’s a perfect day for hiking. I might take that trail, the one we didn’t take, later this afternoon. Watch the sunset from the crest.” Matt drew in a deep breath and turned back to his empty room.
“I hope the weather is warming for you. Have you been able to break ground on the garden you planned? I’d love to see pictures when the flowers start blooming. I won’t keep you any longer. Talk to you tomorrow.”
He disconnected the call. Talk to was apt. He certainly wasn’t talking with her.
Frustration gnawed at him once again. His battle with the waves had held it at bay only a short while. If he could talk to Jen, he could find out what went wrong, why she ran scared.
If it was too soon after her divorce, he could work with that. He could be a patient man, within reason. They had all the time in the world, the rest of their lives, to find out where their relationship was going, what lifestyle best suited their needs. But that would only happen if she talked to him.
~*~
Jen pushed open the door to Mrs. Miller’s apartment after unlocking it for her. “Here you go. Now, let’s find your keys so you don’t get locked out again.”
She followed the tiny woman into the main room of the small suite. Mrs. Miller was at that sad stage of life where her forgetfulness was increasing. Her children had hired a nurse to come by daily with her medications, to be sure they were taken correctly. Her close friend, Mrs. DeBerry, stopped by on her way to the common dining room for meals, to be sure Mrs. Miller would remember.
Soon, though, the family would need to hire a fulltime aide, or think about a more structured facility. The saddest part of Jen’s job, in the six weeks she’d worked at the retirement community, was seeing the residents fade to the point of needing to move to a nursing home.
Mrs. Miller found her purse on the counter in her kitchenette and took out her keys. “Here they are.”
“Oh, good. Now, slip that little stretchy band on your wrist so you have them with you the next time you step out.” Jen said goodbye and slipped out into the hallway, nodding to a passing couple.
Seeing them walk arm-in-arm made her sigh. She’d heard they’d been married for more than fifty years. Even as their bod
ies wore down and their steps became shuffles, they moved in practiced synchronization.
Without warning, tears welled and the lump returned in her throat. She took the stairs down to the main level and followed the hallways to the back entrance of her office. The last thing she needed was for someone to see her crying over something as stupid as seeing an old couple walk together.
Divorce made her moods swing like crazy. Giddy one minute, tearful the next. Knowing she wouldn’t have fifty years beside her husband still made her ache.
It was Ted she pictured herself walking the hallway with, wasn’t it? It must be. She’d given up dreams of happily-ever-after with Matt years ago. In twenty-five years when she was ready to retire, she could look him up, see if he was still single. Then she’d be ready to sell her house, move to wherever he was, and spend their dotage together walking the beach, watching sunsets in the tropical warmth of an evening.
In the meantime, she had to get the accounts payable processed.
She shut out the image of Matt’s face that slipped into her mental photo album on a regular basis each day. Often, she would turn up the radio to drown out the memory of his voice on on her voice mail, her mind replaying his one-sided conversations when she least expected it.
One day soon she’d have recovered from the pain of leaving him, and she could call and give him the apology she owed him. Tears threatened again, knowing how she’d treated him.
You don’t deserve a man that perfect. You deserve to spend your dotage alone, and all the years between now and then. How could you sneak out when his back was turned, without even saying goodbye?
She gulped down the last of her watered-down lukewarm iced tea, the ice having melted long ago. Blowing her nose, she sat up straight and opened the folder with the bills she needed to enter into the computer.
She’d only processed the first three bills when the interoffice line on her phone lit up. She picked up the handset. “Hi, Kelly.”
“Jen, you have a visitor at the front desk.”
“A visitor?” That was odd. The weekend before, she’d filled in for the sales person on her Saturday off, and on occasion, a client would insist on seeing her once a decision had been made to move in. But she couldn’t recall anyone who’d seemed close to making that step.
“Yes, a man is here to see you.” Kelly’s voice dropped to just above a whisper. “He’s tall and hot. And he has flowers.”
Dear God, was her ex here again to beg for a renegotiation of their divorce settlement? “Look, if it’s Ted tell him I’m at lunch. Tell him to call my lawyer if he needs to talk to me.”
“Jen, you need to come out here. This guy spends too much time in the sun to be your ex, and if you were married to a man who looked like this, you were a fool to divorce him. Now, get out here!”
Too much time in the sun? It must be Matt. But what was he doing here? How’d he found out where she worked? Well, she had told him the name of the place and it didn’t take half a brain to get the address.
Matt was here. With flowers. To see her.
When her mind stopped squeeing like a teenage girl, she dug her purse out of the desk drawer and ran a brush through her hair. Matt was here.
She wished she’d worn a suit with a jacket so she had pockets to shove her hands into, to keep him from seeing how badly they shook. What should she say? How could she ever apologize for leaving the way she did?
Turning the corner to the entry, she steeled herself and put on a practiced smile. She could do this. He was just an ex-boyfriend. No, really, a vacation fling. That was all.
Who was she kidding?
Matt glanced up as she approached, his face relaxing before breaking into that smile that melted her…everything, whenever she saw it.
“What a surprise. It’s good to see you again.” She stopped a few feet from him, not trusting herself to get close enough to smell him. That would be the final assault needed to make her throw herself at him and beg him to take her back.
“You’re as beautiful as ever. I see the sunburn has faded on your nose.” He wore a Hawaiian shirt and khakis, but he might as well be naked. His beautifully toned body filled out the fabric, practically bragging about his physique. His eyes held a humorous glint, not laughing at her but sharing a joke.
Behind Jen, Kelly subtly cleared her throat, bringing Jen back to her surroundings. What should she say? Where could they go to talk? She couldn’t just take the afternoon off on the spur of the moment. Why was he here? “Ah, well, do you want to come back to my office?”
“Actually, I was hoping we could go to lunch. I had a craving for a Kansas City steak and Maui was fresh out.” He held out the bouquet. “These are for you, by the way.”
Accepting the bundle, Jen buried her nose in the assortment of tropical blooms. “They’re beautiful. I guess I need to put them in water. Come. My office is back here.”
She led the way, not giving him a chance to catch up with her. If he got too close she was likely to throw herself at him, wrap her legs around his waist and kiss him breathless. That probably wasn’t a wise move while still in her probationary period at her job.
The staff offices were in a converted apartment with a kitchen where they kept snacks, leftover vases, dishes and glasses for whatever might arise. She opened cupboards until she found a pretty glass vase, and prepared the flowers for arrangement.
The actions kept her hands busy, so he couldn’t see them shake, but she knew she needed to talk. “How was your flight?” So lame.
“Uneventful. I was surprised by how warm it was here.”
“Yes, we’re having an early start to summer. You’re lucky the humidity hasn’t hit yet.” She snipped the end off another bloom and placed it in the vase. “Did you fly into St. Louis or Kansas City?”
“St. Louis.”
“That’s such a beautiful drive, isn’t it? St. Louis to Joplin?” God, she might as well be talking with a resident’s family. Why did she become brain-dead just because Matt was in her vicinity?
He cared enough to fly out here to talk. Shit, why didn’t she realize he cared that much? How did she get so screwed up where men were concerned?
“Jen, I’m not going to make a scene. You don’t need to put up a front. We don’t have to talk about anything important until tonight. I won’t embarrass you.”
Damn, he was too perfect. Why hadn’t some woman snapped him up? She thought only losers like her were still single, or single again, at their age. Why couldn’t he be an ass, so she could walk away and not look back?
Placing the last bit of greenery in the flower arrangement, she took a deep breath. She glanced over her shoulder to see him leaning back against the counter. As always, his essence filled the small space. “Thank you. I’m still fighting inner doubts that I have what it takes to do this job. I mean, I know I can do it but those insecurities are hard to kill off.”
His expression softened. Something in his eyes tugged at her. “Just be yourself. They will love you. They can’t not love you.”
She was going to cry. Fool. Every emotion she’d buried since boarding the plane for her flight home gurgled up in her gut like sour milk. She couldn’t do this. Why did he have to show up at her work? Why couldn’t he appear on her doorstep Saturday morning, when she had an entire weekend to resolve her feelings?
“Are you free to go to lunch now? If not, I’ll wander around, see if the sales person has time to give me a tour. This place is a lot bigger than I expected.”
Jen glanced at her watch. “Let me just tell my boss I’m heading out. I only have an hour, so steak is probably out, but there are some decent places nearby.”
Kelly must have jumped on the phone and spread the gossip about Jen’s visitor, because Teresa, the general manager of the facility, smiled knowingly when Jen entered her office. She even suggested Jen could take a bit longer for lunch, given she had an out of town visitor.
Matt kept the conversation casual as they ate, mostly asking questions
about the places he needed to see while he was there. He’d gotten a hotel room, completely removing any pressure on her.
When he dropped her off again with a brief kiss and a promise of dinner, she wanted to scream. Why couldn’t he be obnoxious so she could blow him off and get on with her life?
She stopped at the front desk to pick up her messages, thumbing through slips while Kelly finished her phone call.
The younger woman turned to her with an eager gleam in her eyes. “So, how was lunch?”
“Fine,” she answered, not looking up.
Kelly sniffed, apparently disappointed at the response. When Jen glanced up again, she saw the receptionist’s smile had disappeared.
“What’s wrong?” Jen asked.
“It’s Opal. She’s fading.”
The words hit Jen hard. In the short time she’d known the woman, Opal had become like a grandmother to her. At ninety-three, her body reached its expiration date and the family had come to sit with her and wait. “I should say my goodbyes, I guess.”
“We all are. I don’t even know if she’s ‘there’ enough to hear us, but I promise, it’ll make you feel better.”
Jen flapped the message slips against the base of one thumb while she stared into the bright sunshine pouring through the glass entry doors. This was the part of the job she dreaded. But she knew she should expect to be in this situation many times in the future. “I’ll go up later this afternoon.”
Focusing on the bills was difficult with everything going on in her head. Logic and emotion battled over the situation with Matt. Those emotions left her reserves strained, and she wanted to cry over the impending loss of her friend, Opal.
None of the mental preparation she’d done when she took the position was helping now that it was time to put her strength to the test. Death from old age was a natural stage of life. Jen wasn’t in a position to try to lengthen the lives of the residents. She wasn’t a doctor or nurse, and certainly wasn’t God.
What she could do, and the reason she had taken the job, was make those final years, months, days as comfortable as possible. Allow the residents to feel as much control over their later years as possible.
Book Boyfriends Cafe Summer Lovin' Anthology 2015 Page 103