Feeling like I’m having an out-of-body experience, I reach up grab a handful of her hair. I begin walking her–– dragging her—to the door. When we get within a few feet of the entrance, I tug extra hard and come away with a handful of blonde hair.
“Get out of this bar, and don’t ever fucking come back. You gave them both up, and now it’s time for you to move on.”
I toss her on her ass outside the door and go about my business. When I look up, I see the smiles of several patrons and the shocked look in Zane’s face.
He walks into the kitchen and comes back with Bud. His fingers intertwine with mine.
“Let’s go.” He pulls me through the kitchen and out the back door. We sit on the picnic bench and embrace the silence of the moment.
Will he be angry with me for kicking that woman out on her ass? It wasn’t my place, but I couldn’t stand there and watch her create more havoc. She had just finished telling this wonderful man that the boy he’s raising isn’t his.
“Alexa, I want you to know that you are not in my life because I need a babysitter. I have plenty of volunteers for that.”
I think back to our visit at his mom’s house, and I’m sure all he would need to do is smile, and nearly every woman in town would be here in a heartbeat.
I hear the distant ringing of a phone, but I can’t place where it’s coming from. He reaches behind me and grabs the phone from my pocket.
I shake my head feeling a bit stupid that I didn’t even recognize my own ringtone. I flip it open and say hello.
“Yes, I’m okay.” I say in between her frantic questions. “No, it’s not a dangerous place. Listen, I have to go. I’ll call you later.” I hang up the phone and place it on the bench.
“Who is that?” he asks. His hand reaches over and takes mine. The warmth of his touch runs up my arm and down my back. Every nerve in my body seems to be on alert. It must be the adrenaline coursing through me that has ignited my desire.
I’m incredibly sore between my legs, but if he asked me to have sex right here on the table, I fear I would surrender without an argument.
“It’s my sister. I called her as a distraction in the bar.”
“Alexa, look at me.” He pinches my chin between his thumb and index finger and raises my face to look into his. I stare into his eyes. There is a range of emotions surfacing, but the one I see the clearest is concern. “You’re here because we connect on some level that’s special. I’m not a love them and leave them guy. That’s not my motto, and I don’t want you to think that it is.”
“I didn’t think that. Are you really worried about that? I see you for who you are. I know you’re a good man.” I cup the side of his cheek and feel him relax. “That woman tells you that Aaron is not yours, and your first concern is whether or not I think that you’re using me?”
“Oh God, this is so awful,” he says. He buries his head in his hands and groans.
“Aaron only knows you. You are the only father he’s had. I’m sorry that she hurt you by her claim. I’m not sure that she would even know the truth.” I run my fingers through his hair. “He’s lucky to have you. I hope that you can see past this and not punish him for her sins.”
“It doesn’t matter to me whose sperm created that boy. The day I held him, he became mine. I may not be his biological father, but I’m damn sure I’m his dad.”
Chapter 13
His truth hits me like a sledgehammer to the head. Here is this man who has just found out his son possibly has no genetic connection to him, and he’s worried I may feel offended by the twat-head of a woman who birthed Aaron.
I feel my emotions surging out of control. I know where this is going, and I need to escape quickly. Every hurt I’ve ever felt is coming to the surface. I’m going to an ugly place. There is no stopping it.
He sees the change in my demeanor. I can tell by the way he grabs me and pulls me to his chest. I struggle against him as I try to get away. I need to run. I need to hide.
I thought I was over this and had maneuvered through the triggers. I was so sure that I had a handle on all of it, but now I know that it is just a lie I told myself to survive.
I push against his chest trying to break his grip on me, but he holds on tighter. He’s not letting go. If I don’t get away, he’ll see everything.
“Let me go,” I scream. I tug and pull, but he holds me more firmly.
“I’m not going to let you go. I know that you feel threatened by Tabitha, but she means nothing to me. I’m with you, and there is no place I would rather be.”
“You can’t mean that, you have no idea what I’ve been through. Here you are, sitting in the bar, and someone tells you that Aaron is not yours. You don’t even blink an eye. In your heart, he’s yours.” I continue to struggle against him, but I’m no match for his strength. I finally collapse into him and let my sobs unfold. The pain is so sharp that I think my heart is hemorrhaging. I’m positive if someone poked my chest with a needle I would bleed out. My heart is shredding to pieces.
“Alexa, I care about you. In fact, after you tossed Tabitha out on her ass, I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you. What’s going on, sweetheart?” His lips brush the top of my head. He shifts his position and pulls me into his lap. I’m trapped in his vise-like grip.
My sobbing is nearing hysteria. I’m pretty sure if I tell him everything, he’s going to want me to leave. He told Tabitha that it would have been unforgivable if she had killed their baby. What would he think about me?
His chest raises and lowers against the side of my face. His shirt is soaked in my tears. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and begin to choke on my sorrow.
“Shh, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be all right.” He holds me for what seems like a lifetime. So much time has passed that the sun has set, and night is approaching. I feel him move, and before I know it, he is carrying me up the back steps.
When we enter the house, he takes me directly to his room and closes the door with a tap from his foot. Softly my body touches the bed. He pulls my shoes off my feet and lets them hit the ground where he stands. He pulls off my jeans and tucks me under the covers.
“I need to check on Bud, but I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. I mean it, Alexa. If you disappear on me, I will track you down.” He walks to the door and looks back at me.
I bury my face in his pillow and soak the cover with heart wrenching sobs. Time doesn’t exist in my world right now. Everything is upside down and backward. It feels like he’s been gone a few minutes, but when I glance at the clock, I see that it’s been over an hour. I’ve let him down. I’m supposed to be helping in the bar, and I’ve left him and Bud short-handed.
I hear voices outside the doorway. I don’t want to see anyone right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. The door creaks open. A stream of light rushes in, nearly blinding me.
“It’s me. I’m sorry it took me so long. I had to help Bud with the rush. He sent up some soup and tea. I told him you weren’t feeling well.”
I lift myself into a sitting position to make room for Zane. He carries the soup-laden tray to the bed and sits it on my lap.
“I’m not really hungry,” I say with a voice I hardly recognize. Crying for hours can wreak havoc on your vocal chords.
“You’re eating, even if I have to feed you myself.” He scoots in next to me and picks up the soupspoon. I watch as he dips it into the broth and lifts it to my mouth. I open just enough to take a bite.
“I can do it,” I say as I pull the utensil from his hand. “We’ve talked about this bossy side of you. It’s all right if you want to try it on for size, but I’m not buying it.” I’m trying to steer the conversation in a different direction because if we start talking about me; it’s not going to go well.
“You can try to deflect the subject all you want, but we’re getting through this tonight. The faster we get it done, the sooner we can fall asleep in each other’s arms.”
I sip the soup as
big crocodile tears roll down my cheeks and fall into the bowl. What if he doesn’t want me in his arms after he learns the truth? He picks the tray up and deposits it on the dresser.
Lying next to each other, he looks in my direction and tells me to start from the beginning.
I feel my panic begin to rise. Bile billows up from my stomach and burns my throat. I say a silent prayer for God to get me through this night. Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow I’ll venture forward to a new town, a new life.
I take a deep breath before I begin.
“My baby was aborted,” I blurt out. A silent stream of tears pours from my eyes.
“What are you talking about? What baby? Did you choose to abort your child as opposed to having it? Is that what you’re telling me.” He looks stunned by the information.
“I’m telling you that I was pregnant toward the end of my marriage. I’m not even sure how it happened. We had sex on Wednesdays, and that’s it. I took my pills faithfully. I didn’t realize that a bout of strep throat and a series of antibiotics would create a window for conception.” I pause a minute trying to get my thoughts straight.
“It was a decision you made, Alexa. I can’t be angry with you after hearing what a jackass your ex-husband is. I also can’t absolve you of your guilt. I’m not going to judge you for your choice, and, by the way, people do get pregnant on Wednesdays.” I smile on the inside at his gracious attempt to console me with humor.
“I heard you tell Tabitha that aborting Aaron would have been unforgivable. Why is my sin any less than hers would have been?”
“It’s not, it’s just that I know what I would be missing. When a baby smiles at you for the first time, something happens to the way you think about things. I’ve always been pro-choice. I’m just glad that she didn’t abort my son.”
The mention of his son tears me apart. I begin blubbering. In my head, I’m making sense, but I’m obviously not saying anything that makes sense to Zane.
“Alexa, you need to stop crying. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” He takes his thumb and gently wipes the tears from my eyes.
“Tyler killed my child.” The sobs continue.
“What the fuck, Alexa? You just said you aborted your child. What do you mean Tyler killed your child?” I have his attention now. He’s no longer sitting next to me; he’s pacing the room.
“I didn’t abort my child, but I failed to protect him or her. Isn’t that the same?” The truth weighs heavily on my heart. The crushing pain from the weight of honesty is squeezing my chest, wringing the will to live from my body.
He rushes to my side and pulls me against him. I rub my face into his chest. I wish I could crawl inside his body. Anywhere but here would be good, and yet, here is exactly where I want to be. With him I can breathe, without him I perish.
“No, it’s not the same. What did that fucker do to you?”
His anger is palpable. I can feel the energy he’s emitting sizzle through the air.
“I found out I was pregnant a few weeks before we separated. It wasn’t what broke us up. He had already worked everything out. He worked his way into becoming a partner in my dad’s business. He had stayed the required amount of time to walk away a wealthy man.” I move so that I can look at him as I speak. I need to see his eyes. “I threw a wrench in the works. I got pregnant. I was thrilled about having a baby. Finally, Tyler was giving me something I wanted. He hadn’t given me anything else in our marriage, but he did give me a child.”
“What happened?” he asks. I can tell he’s anxious to get to the bottom of this.
“When I told him I was pregnant, he lost his mind. He was furious. He turned over furniture and tore art off the walls as he made his way to the door. I couldn’t understand how a man could be so angry. I had just told him he’d created a child, and he threw a fit.” I roll off the side of the bed and walk to the dresser to pick up the tea. My throat feels parched and sore. “He disappeared for several days. I was frantic with worry. At that time, I didn’t know about his lifestyle choice. I had no idea he had a boyfriend who was waiting for him to leave me. He showed up a few days later and found me in bed. I had cried so many tears that my eyes were swollen almost completely shut, and my head pounded.”
I toss back the remainder of the tea and return to my place on the bed.
“When he came home I was relieved. He was so sweet and apologetic. I felt like he had taken the time to think about his child and had come to the realization it was going to be wonderful to parent a little human being. He brought me two Ibuprofen and a glass of water. I thought it was a lovely gesture from a caring husband. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
He shifts his position and pulls me between his legs. I can no longer see his face, but he gives me the courage to continue with the way he holds me protectively in his embrace. I feel like he’s saying “I’ve got you.”
“I should have known something was off. He slept in our bed that night and the next night. He stayed by my side for two days. On the third day after he had come back, I began to hemorrhage. I panicked. Tyler took me to the hospital and played the concerned, doting husband. I spent the night in the ER. I was told early the next morning I had miscarried.”
Strong arms tighten around me. This man is treating me with more compassion than my husband of four years could have mustered in any given moment.
“I went home that afternoon and locked myself in my room for days. I was devastated. Had my child lived, he or she would be almost the same age as Aaron.”
“You’re kidding me?” It’s the first thing he’s said since I began my story.
“No, I’m not. That’s why I totally freaked out the day you left me with him. There was no way that I wanted the responsibility of another child when I had failed mine so miserably.”
“I’m confused. First I thought you aborted your baby, then you said Tyler murdered your child, and now you’re saying it was a spontaneous miscarriage. I need clarification.”
“I’m getting there,” I tell him. “Two weeks after I lost the baby, he asked for a divorce. Well, it was more like he brought the paperwork home and asked me to sign. I was shocked. That’s when things got really interesting. He started openly flaunting his love for men. He even brought a man home one night and made love to him in our bed. I asked him how he could be so cruel, especially after I had just lost our child. He told me to shut the fuck up, and that he never wanted me to mention the baby again. He went on a tirade about how stupid I was to think he would ever allow me to have his kid. I found out through one of his outbursts that what I had thought were aspirin for my headache was, in fact, the RU486––the morning after pill. He double-dosed me to make sure that I would lose the baby. So you see, he murdered my child, and then took everything else from me.”
He turns me in his lap and looks into my eyes.
“How is any of this your fault? He drugged you. He lied to you, and he took from you. He stole your spirit, your trust and your self-esteem.” His lips press into mine. I didn’t expect to end our conversation with a kiss, but I’m relieved he didn’t turn around and run.
“I should have known better. I heard the warnings throughout my entire marriage. I told my parents something was wrong, but he’d hypnotized them with his charm and cunning. He stole from my whole family. He stole my family. In the end, he took their livelihood, and they blamed me for marrying him.”
“Isn’t that rich? They basically pushed you down the aisle and when everything went to shit they blamed you. I don’t think I like your parents.”
“I don’t like them either, but on some level I can’t fault them. I was caught up in his charm as well.”
“You said you had a civil suit against him. What was that about?”
“I tried to charge him with physical and mental abuse. Unfortunately, there was no drug testing done when I lost the baby. I couldn’t prove he’d actually drugged me, even though he openly admitted it to me. In the end, he got away with murder
. It was my word against his.”
“I want to kill him. I can’t believe he got away with all of that. Is he’s still in Los Angeles?”
“Yes, he lives with his pharmacy tech boyfriend in our old house. I left everything. I didn’t have the energy to fight. He had worked everything out so it would fall in his favor. I left with my purse and what cash I had in my bank account. I bought what I needed along the way.”
“I’m so sorry. You’re an amazingly strong woman. I’m so impressed with you. Aaron and I are lucky men to have you in our lives.” He shifts us both so he can get up. “I’m going to run a bath for you. While you relax, I’m going to close up the bar and send Ashley home. She is worried about you.”
“I’m okay. There won’t be another outburst. Everything was triggered when you said you didn’t care whether Aaron was yours or not. All I could think was that my ex-husband killed his own child, and you’ve done everything to save someone else’s.”
Zane kisses me slowly. He draws me a bath and leaves me to my thoughts. I reflect on the evening and how he’d held me and cared for me. He supported me and didn’t pass judgment. If I didn’t love him before, I love him now, but do I deserve him? Once again, he’s freed me from something; tonight it’s guilt. I’ve been carrying around the heavy weight of this burden in my heart and he’s erased it with his compassion and love. Is it possible that he loves me?
Chapter 14
I wake up with a squirming ball of energy, flapping his arms next to me. Zane is lying on his side looking at his son and me. His eyes are soft and relaxed.
“Good morning, beautiful. We thought we would see if you wanted to get up and see grandma with us.” He leans over Aaron and plants a quick kiss on my lips.
“Of course, isn’t it breakfast sandwich day? There’s no way I’m missing that. I also bought your mom a gift and I want to give it to her.”
“A gift? What did you get her?” He reaches down and plays with the baby’s feet. They look so small compared to his hands.
Book Boyfriends Cafe Summer Lovin' Anthology 2015 Page 147