“Yeah, Mommy, I can wait.”
Hannah checked the clock. “Ok, well, we should be there in about twenty minutes. I’m pretty sure there aren’t any more rest stops between here and Nashua.”
“Ok, Mommy.”
“Tabs, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m really tired and I don’t really feel like shopping today.”
“You say that every time we come down here, but we always have fun.”
She did say it every year. Hannah was horrified that Tabitha remembered. Gosh, her little girl was growing up so fast. How much longer before Tabitha knew their annual shopping trip was just a rouse to try and avoid the emotions of the day? Which, of course, was impossible.
Hannah was always a wreck on the anniversary of Steven’s death. She tried to convince herself it was just another day, but it wasn’t. It was a day filled with anger and sadness. No matter what she did to try and prove otherwise, anger and sadness always filtered through. Guilt, too. Along with every other emotion fathomable.
At least Tabitha was right about the second part. They did have fun, once the shopping got underway. A little retail therapy with her favorite girls. Having Malinda around on this day was a necessity. Hannah was so grateful for her yang. Malinda kept her balanced, which she really needed today. Auntie L was also pretty good at protecting Tabs from Hannah’s unreasonable outbursts. Another must today.
“So, Mommy, how was your date with Hawk? Did you have fun? Where did you go? Did he kiss you?”
Oh, boy. Here we go.
“It was nice. He took me to the Sunset Hill House for dinner.”
“Sunset Hill House? Where’s that?” Tabs asked.
“You know when we drive through Sugar Hill to get to Franconia for your soccer and baseball games? Well, at the top of Sugar Hill, there’s an old inn. It’s got pretty views of all the mountains and the restaurant makes fancy food.”
“Was it romantic? What did you wear? What did he wear? Did he kiss you?”
How many times was she going to be able to evade the kiss question? “I wore a purple skirt and a silver shirt. He had on a silver shirt, too.”
“So you guys matched. That’s so cool. I bet it was so romantic.”
“What do you know about romance?” She was afraid to ask, but curiosity got the best of her.
“I know lots about romance. In my princess movies, the prince is always so romantic. He always wears something to match the princess’s dress. Maybe Hawk is your Prince Charming, Mommy, and we can all live happily ever after.”
Oh, hell. This wasn’t good.
“It was just one date, sweetheart. I’m probably not going to go out with him again.”
“Why not? Don’t you like him? I thought you liked him. He’s really handsome. Don’t you think so?”
“I just don’t really want a boyfriend, ok, Tabs?”
“But you need a boyfriend, so you can get married. I hope you have a big wedding. I want to wear a purple dress.”
“Whoa, hold the phone. It was just dinner. We are not getting married.” Oh, hell no. She wasn’t even going to see Aaron again. Nope, it was back to her perfect little formula. Marriage wasn’t in the equation.
“But don’t you want to get married? That’s what Cinderella’s father did when her mom died. He got married so that Cinderella would have a new mom. And it was a good thing too, because then he died. Even though Cinderella’s stepmom was really mean, at least she had a family. And that’s how she met the prince and they lived happily ever after.”
“First of all, Tabs, Cinderella is just a fairy tale. It’s not real. In real life, things happen a lot differently. When I married your dad, I promised to be with him forever. So I’m not really interested in getting married again.”
“But Daddy died. That makes you a window. Windows are allowed to get married again.”
She’d prefer to be a window. “I think you mean widow, sweetheart. And yes, a widow can get married again, but I don’t want to.”
“Well, that’s just stupid.”
“Excuse, me?”
“You should get married, Mommy. So we can be a real family. Even Mimi and Nana think so.”
Great. So her mother and mother-in-law were weighing in on Hannah’s love life in front of her daughter. That was just fan-freakin-tastic.
“How do you know Mimi and Nana think that? Are you eavesdropping?” Hannah needed more information before she decided who to chastise.
“What’s easdopring?” Tabs asked.
“Listening when you’re not supposed to.”
“Nana came over to Mimi’s this morning for coffee. I was watching cartoons, but they talk loud. So I wasn’t eas…what was that word again?”
“Eavesdropping.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t easdopring.”
Hannah swallowed the chuckle at Tabs’ mispronunciation. It was a tough word for a first grader. “So what exactly did they say?” she inquired. It probably wasn’t a good idea to encourage Tabs, but she had to know.
“They were really happy you had a date. They think he’s really handsome, too. Mimi said she hoped he would help you get over Daddy. And Nana said she hoped you would get married again because you’re really young and you deserve to be happy, and Mimi said something about me having a dad, but that’s all I can remember.”
Oh, hell. Now Hannah wished she hadn’t asked. Her mother-in-law hoping she would get over Steven. And her mother hoping she’d get married. No, this wasn’t good information.
“So, Mommy, when are you going to have another date? Because I like him and he promised to take me next time.”
Deep breath and exhale. Then Hannah counted to ten in her head. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but I’m not going to go on another date with him.”
“But he promised. You don’t let me break my promises. So you can’t let him break his promise.”
Sighing was starting to become a regular part of her breathing. After Hannah finished the long exhale, she turned up the music. Maybe Tabs would take the hint. Probably not, but she had to give it a try. Married? Really? A real family? Yeah, she wasn’t going to have that conversation. Not with her daughter. Especially not today. As for Aaron’s promise, she’d deal with that another time.
Hannah was relieved to finally be taking the exit. In just a couple minutes they’d be pulling into The Olive Garden and then she’d be feasting on all the salad and breadsticks she could stuff in her mouth. No more talking about romance and boyfriends and marriage.
Malinda was waiting inside the restaurant when they got there. Tabs ran into the bathroom and when she came back out, they were seated immediately and got what Tabs referred to as the cutest waiter in the place. That made for good conversation.
“He’s not as handsome as Hawk. Auntie L, Mommy says she doesn’t want to get married again. Don’t you think that’s stupid?”
“Ok, Tabitha, I let you get away with it once, but not again. You know I don’t like the word ‘stupid’. I won’t have you saying it about anything that I do. Or don’t do,” she said.
“Well, I think one date is a bit soon to be thinking about marriage, don’t you think, Tabs?” Malinda interjected. Well, at least someone was on her side.
“Cinderella got married after one date. And Snow White didn’t even have a date with the handsome prince. It was just love at first sight. I think that’s how it is with Mommy and Hawk.”
Malinda chuckled, which made Hannah roll her eyes. She would have snarled again, but her mouth was full of breadstick.
“So how was the date, Palindrome?”
When she finished chewing, Hannah debated following up with salad to keep her mouth occupied but that would only delay the inevitable. “It was fine, but, I’d rather talk about shopping. Which end of the mall are we going to start at today? I vote for Target.”
One battle in her favor. Tabs and Malinda seemed to take the hint and started talking about shopping. Tabs wanted to go to Claire’s and look at pretty jewelry. And a new purse.
She even asked if she could get her ears pierced, to which Hannah abruptly said no. And she wanted a Hannah Montana bathing suit, so they had to go in every store until they found one.
Hannah had overstuffed herself trying to avoid any sort of conversation about her date with Aaron or marriage. She was grateful for the large sweatshirt so she could unbutton the top two buttons on her 501’s. They hit Target first and found the Hannah Montana bathing suit Tabitha wanted. Hannah was grateful for that. If they hadn’t found one, there would have been more drama than she was willing to deal with today. The bathing suit score didn’t stop them from hitting every store anyway. With Tabitha leading them onward, there wasn’t a single item in this mall that wouldn’t be looked at, touched, or moved.
The mall was surprisingly quiet for a Sunday afternoon, but it was a warm May day, so maybe people were just enjoying the outdoors after being cooped up all winter. As they passed in front of Victoria’s Secret, Hannah turned her attention to the store window and its sexy display.
“You wanna go in?” Malinda asked as their pace slowed.
“Um, no,” Hannah said.
Malinda obviously didn’t believe her. “So the date was good,” she said as she stopped the forward momentum and came to rest in front of the sexy undie store.
The date was better than good. “It was fine but I’m not going to see him again.” Hannah tried to ignore the sexy next to them and looked at the few people bustling by on their way to the next big sale or whatever. She didn’t really care where these people were going. She was just glad they were going and wished she was, too. Anything to avoid conversation about her date with Aaron.
“Are you sure about that?” Malinda asked.
No. “Positive. I do need some new underwear though, and a bra that fits right.” She was sure Malinda would believe that.
“Claire’s is just two stores down. I’ll take Tabitha. You take your time. I’m sure we’ll be there forever.”
“Do not get her ears pierced,” Hannah commanded as she ignored Malinda’s tone that said you go girl.
Malinda smiled. Hannah wasn’t sure she could trust Auntie L not to let Tabs get her ears pierced, but that didn’t matter at this moment. She had underwear to buy. Nice-fitting, practical underwear. From Victoria’s Secret. Yep.
As Hannah started toward the back of the store where all the practical items were, she was distracted by all that sexy that adorned the store walls. Especially the lacy blue number that stretched across one of the shiny gray headless mannequins.
“Would you like to try that on?”
The soft voice startled Hannah. She wasn’t sure where her mind had been, but its distant venture prevented all of her other senses from working. She needed to get to the practical stuff, so of course she didn’t want to try this sexy little thing on.
“Do you have it in size 8?” Hannah asked, noticing another attendant in the same black shirt with the VS embroidered logo and coordinating black slacks. She wondered if wearing size minus-zero was a requirement to work here.
“Actually, these come in small, medium, and large. I think a medium would fit you best,” the petite attendant explained.
Right. Small, medium, and large, because Hannah had a clue how to shop for sexy. The kind of sexy that she wasn’t going to buy anyway.
By the time Hannah left the store, she had spent a few hundred dollars and had hardly anything to show for it. Three sexy little outfits that barely covered anything, and a few practical bras and panties. Practical … but hot. Yeah, she wasn’t going to have any problem with lack of sexy next time she saw ... she didn’t let herself finish that thought.
As Hannah walked toward Claire’s, she shoved the Victoria’s Secret bag inside the big JC Penney bag. No point giving Malinda any ammo. Ballistic Miss L’s weapon was always fully loaded anyway.
Malinda and Tabs were still in Claire’s, looking at pierced earrings. The change in atmosphere as Hannah entered the store was like a smack in the face. Victoria’s Secret was calm and welcoming. There was music playing, but Hannah really couldn’t recall what it was. Here, in Claire’s, the hip hop music that attracted tweens and teens and the chaos of the crowded store made her want to run back to the calmness of all that sexy lace and satin.
“So Mommy, when can I get my ears pierced?” Tabs asked, as if she hadn’t even known that Hannah had been MIA for the last half hour.
“Never.”
“But, Mommy …”
Hannah didn’t let her finish. “Ask me again when you’re twelve. I think I spotted a Hannah Montana purse over there.” She pointed to the opposite wall of the store. “Did you see that yet?” Thankfully, Hannah Montana could placate any argument.
And apparently Tabitha hadn’t seen the purse because she ran off in that direction. Hannah and Malinda followed at a more grown-up pace.
“What’s in the bag, Palindrome?” Malinda asked.
“Clothes.”
“Clothes and?”
“And maybe it’s none of your business,” Hannah sneered.
“So you are going to see him again.”
It wasn’t a question. Hannah hated when Malinda stated the obvious.
“I’m not planning to see him again.” Unless he’s naked and on top of me. “I just bought some underwear and bras. That’s it.”
“You lie really well. You should do it for a living,” Malinda chided.
“Shut up! I’m not lying. I really don’t plan to see him again.”
“Yeah, but plans could change at any time. So did he kiss you or what?”
Hannah’s cheeks fired up.
“Ok, you just answered that question. And from the color on your cheeks, I’m guessing it was hot.”
Was it ever. The way Aaron had kissed her, well, that was just the icing on the wow-factor cake. Everything about him was wow.
“Are you ever going to tell me about the date?” Malinda asked.
If they were eighteen and had never known loss and permanent heartache, Hannah might be willing to give her friend all the luscious details. Unfortunately, they weren’t eighteen and did know loss and heartache, especially today.
“Not today, L. I don’t want to talk about it today.” Hannah’s resolve was strong. Steven’s death reminded her why she chose to be alone. It reminded her why her perfect little formula worked so well. And talking about the amazing Aaron Hawkins and his super-romantic powers wasn’t going to help keep her resolve.
“Today is the perfect day to talk about it. You need a new memory, Han. Maybe today wouldn’t suck so much every year if you had something happy to think about.”
A tween not much older than Tabs practically plowed through them on her way to inspect the pierced earrings. She was wearing a cropped tank top and what Hannah could only sum up as Daisy Duke shorts. For a fleeting moment she wondered if those were making a comeback, then was horrified at the thought, knowing this girl couldn’t even be ten years old.
Not her daughter, not her responsibility, she thought as she snapped back to the discussion at hand. Which was … oh, yeah, today being the perfect day to what? Forget about Steven? Yeah. Like Hell.
She looked Malinda square in the eye. “Yeah. And what are you doing about it? Getting yourself a new brother?” That was hateful, but hateful was her only weapon when her most prominent emotion was anger.
Malinda shook her head, but didn’t back down. “No one will ever replace Steven, I know that. Not as your husband, not as my brother, but at least you can fill that void.” Malinda was pounding her index finger into Hannah’s sternum. “You can love again. You can marry again. You just need to move on.”
That hurt. Hannah was sure she’d end up with a bruise and not just to her sternum. She turned away from Malinda. “No, I can’t, actually.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
Semantics. Hannah looked away. “You know, we’re not supposed to talk about this shit today. That’s the deal. We shop till we drop and we don’t talk about Steven or canc
er or dying. That’s the deal, right?”
“Screw the deal. You have a chance to move on, you need to take it. Not just for you, but for Tabs, too, and the rest of us. Do you think we like seeing your pathetic broken heart wallowing year after year? Do you think that’s what Steven would want?”
“What about what I want?” She turned back to Malinda. Even though they were keeping their distance from Tabitha, Hannah was trying to keep her voice down. She didn’t need Tabs hearing any of this. It defeated the purpose of the whole shopping trip distraction. Based on their discussion in the car, Tabs’ hearing was pretty acute.
“No one ever asks me what I want. It’s always about what Steven would want.” Hannah bobbed her head back and forth as she mocked what she knew everyone said. “Steven would want you to move on. Steven would want you to be happy. Well, maybe he would, but what about what I want?”
“What do you want?” Malinda asked in a heartfelt tone that told Hannah she really did care.
Exhaling another long sigh, Hannah tried to figure out what she wanted and came up empty. Almost. “I just want Steven back.”
“Han, that’s not going to happen.”
“Go to hell,” she snapped through stifled anger.
“We’re already there, Palindrome. We’re already there.”
~*~
Hannah was exhausted. They really did shop till they dropped. It was a busy day and Tabs was all set with a summer wardrobe. They stopped for dinner on the way home before Tabs crashed out in the car. Now, she fast asleep in her bed.
As Hannah sat on the porch swing, legs tucked into her chest, she stared up at the stars in the clear sky. She wasn’t looking for constellations, but for some sign Steven was with her.
The tears poured. She’d managed to keep the dam closed all day, but not now. The reservoir was overflowing. Willpower wasn’t even a factor.
No matter how they spent this day, the anniversary of Steven’s death, nighttime was always the hardest part. With Tabs sound asleep, Hannah was left alone with her thoughts – and all the memories, good and bad. Coming home five years ago, it was the first time in weeks she had slept in her bed, the first time sleeping in it alone. If you could call it sleep. After lying there awake for hours, tossing and turning, the exhaustion took over and she finally passed out. Hannah remained passed out for almost fifteen hours. Her parents had kept Tabitha with them and her mom had come by to check on her. Just to make sure Hannah was ok, her mom had woken Hannah up from that fantastical sleep.
Book Boyfriends Cafe Summer Lovin' Anthology 2015 Page 226