“Aaron, you’re just making this harder for both of us, and Tabitha, too.”
“We need to talk about this, Hannah.”
“We already talked about it.” She walked away, hoping to lead Aaron toward the door, a subtle hint to leave. If he pushed too hard, she was either going to start yelling or crying, or both, and didn’t want to wake Tabitha. When Hannah reached the dining room on the other side of the kitchen, she looked out the window, arms crossed in front of her.
The plan to dismiss Aaron didn’t work. He wrapped his arms around her and held her in a tight embrace. Hannah’s eyes welled with tears. This whole scene was all too familiar. She remembered standing in this exact same spot with Steven holding her in exactly the same way. Right after he had told her that his cancer was back and had spread. That was the moment when she knew without a doubt he was going to die. Steven knew it, too.
~*~
Hannah closed her eyes as the memories swarmed, feeling Steven’s breath on her neck. After returning from the doctor, he had brought Tabitha over to his parent’s house and put together a romantic dinner. She thought they were celebrating. She was concerned when the doctor ordered more tests after Steven’s regular six month check-up. Steven had convinced her everything was fine. If the cancer was back, he would know it. He’d be tired or sick, and he wasn’t, claiming he had never felt better.
He brought home Chinese food, lit candles all over the house, had white zinfandel poured. They made love before dinner, and again after. Then he told her the devastating news.
He was so calm, like he had already accepted his fate. Hannah was a wreck. She screamed and cried and when he tried to hold her she pushed him away and left the bedroom. He followed her to the dining room and held her tight. His body was strong and warm. His breath felt good on her cheek as he whispered “I love you” across her ear. She felt secure as he held her, like nothing bad could ever happen to them. That was an illusion.
It was all an illusion. Even now, here with Aaron. It was all just an illusion. There was no security, not when it came to the unprejudiced resolve of cancer. As tears poured, Hannah’s own resolve was strong, There was no way she was going through that again. Nor would she let Tabitha go through it. Tabs was too young to remember her Daddy withering away to nothing, a strong man made weak as the cancer slowly sucked the life out of him, and thank God for that. Hannah wouldn’t want Tabitha to remember her father that way.
The last few weeks with Aaron had been a fantasy. Hannah let herself get swept away by his charm and the allure of his sex appeal. She forgot how much easier it was to be alone than in love. She and Tabitha were doing just fine on their own. They’d continue on that way. There was no need to open the door to heartache and loss.
“I love you, Hannah,” Aaron said softly as he continued to hold her.
She took a deep breath so she’d have something besides tears to force her resolve out. “You know what’s funny? Steven said those exact same words to me. In this exact same spot. Right after he told me he was going to die.”
“I’m not Steven. And I don’t have cancer.”
“You should have told me,” she said quietly between sobs.
“I would have, when the time was right.”
Anger swept through her as she struggled to get out from his hold, but Aaron wouldn’t let go. “When the time was right? Honestly? Do you ever think there’s a right time to tell someone you have cancer?”
He exhaled a sigh, finally releasing her, but as soon as he did, he swung her body around to face him and looked her straight in the eye. “I don’t HAVE cancer. Had, Hannah. Had!”
“Like I told you Sunday, it’s just semantics.”
“Not to me, it’s not. You’re just scared. You’re scared to be loved. You’re scared to be in love. You’re just using the fact that I had cancer as an excuse to push me away.”
“You’re right, I am scared! I watched my husband die, Aaron. I watched the man I vowed to love for the rest of my life get eaten alive by that horrible disease you HAD. For months, Aaron! For months I watched him die.”
She shook her head as the memories flooded and her rant escalated. The dam was open now and Hannah didn’t have the strength to stop it from flowing over.
“First he had to be put on oxygen. Then came the painkillers. First it was oxycodone. That helped take the edge off. The fun really started when hospice started him on morphine. It was a real joy when I had to spoon feed him just to get him to take a few bites of something. He was so weak he couldn’t even take a drink by himself, so I had to hold the cup while he sipped water through a straw.
“Then when we moved him to his parent’s house, because he didn’t want me to live with the memory of him dying in our home. Yeah, that was pure joy. The days dragged on and on. He couldn’t even have a conversation with me because he was too weak to talk or he couldn’t stay awake long enough, or because the morphine made him crazy. In the end, he wasn’t the man I married. He wasn’t a man at all.
“I slept in the chair next to his bed for weeks. I’d wake up in a panic having dreamed he died while I was sleeping. Then I’d feel guilty because I was disappointed he hadn’t. I prayed every day that God would take him. What kind of a wife does that? Prays for her husband to die?” She shook her head, trying to free herself from the guilt.
“It doesn’t matter, because he wouldn’t die. He just kept holding on, suffering. So yes, I’m scared! I can’t ever relive that nightmare. I won’t. That’s why I’ve been alone for the last five years. That’s why I can’t see you anymore.”
He tried to hold her again, but Hannah backed herself against the window to avoid the comfort of his touch. “Hannah, I know it wasn’t easy for you to lose your husband like that …”
She cut him off. “You know nothing.” Her words started off slow and leashed, but with every syllable, she was losing control. “What have you ever lost, Aaron? Huh? Tell me! What have you ever lost?” she yelled.
“Mommy, why are you yelling at Hawk?” The sleepy voice came from the edge of the kitchen, just this side of the living room. Hannah had been trying to keep her voice low, but all the anger that continued to build up over the years was being unleashed with a vengeance. She had no will to control it as it came out in decibels.
Hannah wiped the tears and tried to gain some composure. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. Can you please just go back to bed?”
“No, Mommy. Not until you and Hawk make up. He promised me you would. He promised he would say sorry to you.”
Oh, that’s just great. Hannah glared at Aaron. Was that the bargain he had cut to get Tabs to go to bed?
“It’s not as simple as him just saying he’s sorry.”
“Why not?”
“You know, this is between me and Aaron. I really don’t want to talk about this with you, Tabitha.” Hannah switched to the stern Mommy voice, knowing it was a crapshoot, but giving it her best shot to get Tabitha to go back to bed. “Now please go back to bed.”
She was relieved when Tabitha huffed and stomped back to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Hannah turned to Aaron. “I think you better go.”
He stepped closer and held her arms firmly with his hands. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Hannah. I’m not giving up on us. I know there’s room in your heart to love me.” He paused for a moment, then caressed her cheek. “You deserve to be happy, Hannah. You deserve to be loved.”
She choked back the anger. Those words, she hated them. People said that to her all the time. Family, friends, Malinda. You deserve to be loved. Those were the very words Steven struggled to whisper just before he took his last breath.
Hannah walked to the door and held it open for Aaron. She was done fighting. She was just … done.
Aaron moved to where she held the door and kissed her on the cheek. Then he spoke quietly. “I don’t know loss the way you do, and I hope I never do, but there’s another perspective you’re not consider
ing. I did have cancer. There was a period of time when I thought I was going to die, when I thought I was going to lose my whole future, but I didn’t. I don’t know why God gave me a second chance at life, but He did. Whether I get one year or fifteen or fifty, I’m going to live my life. I’m going to love without fear of loss. To me, that’s what living is.”
Chapter 18
What’s up with you?” Renee asked, planting herself on the edge of Hannah’s desk. Renee Woodburn had been the bank manager for about six months, having transferred from another branch when the previous manager retired. At five foot ten and ruggedly built, she had a strong physical presence in the small bank. Her short blonde hair was cut at an angle around her face, which played up the ruggedness of her build. The strong presence always came with a friendly smile and a quick-wit and though she always dressed professionally, she carried herself casually and had a good relationship with everyone who worked there. Even though Renee was six years ahead of Hannah in school, Hannah seemed to remember that Renee always had that same demeanor. She was a great boss.
“Just trying to process this loan application,” Hannah said without looking up from the computer screen.
“I didn’t ask what you’re doing. I asked what’s up with you? You haven’t been yourself all week, but today you’re really off.”
Hannah hated that she couldn’t hide her emotions. She’d never been able to. Her closest friends and family read her like an open book. It didn’t take long for people who didn’t know her well to get a good read either. Of course, Renee knew her pretty well, and by nature Renee could easily read people. Hannah couldn’t hide a thing.
“It’s just been a tough week. I don’t really want to talk about it.” She hoped that was good enough for Renee, because it was the truth.
“You know, it’s a pretty slow day here. Why don’t you take off.” It sounded more like a command than a question. “I can finish processing this application.”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel right having you finish my work for me.”
“Hannah, seriously, go! Do something nice for yourself. Get your weekend started early. Don’t worry about this stuff.”
Hannah didn’t have the energy to argue. She wasn’t really interested in being alone, but there was no one she wanted to be with right now either. Well, that wasn’t completely true. She wanted to be with Aaron. That was the problem, wasn’t it? She was trying to get over wanting to be with him, trying to get over him completely – and not having much luck.
After Hannah shut down the computer and gathered her things, she traded out high heels for sneakers and hit the pavement. Just outside the bank she debated going to the cemetery, but visiting with Steven was really the last place she needed to be. She was trying to get over him, too. Yeah, five years of trying – or not trying. Semantics. She’d never get over him. Nor would she get over losing him. Not even with someone like Aaron Hawkins in her heart.
As she headed up Main Street, Hannah decided not to go home. Tabitha was still at school and the house was empty, providing too much of an opportunity to sulk. So Hannah turned down School Street, thinking of heading to the library to browse the books, maybe check one out. She hadn’t done that in a while. In fact, she hadn’t read at all since meeting Aaron. She’d been spending all of her time with him. Reading was a good idea … so, off to the library.
The rushing waters of the river captured Hannah’s attention. She stopped in the middle of the bridge and looked downstream. It was so peaceful here, the water going over the damn behind her, then slowing after its downward plunge. It meandered around the rocks, an even mix of deep pools and shallow paths. Hannah loved the long stretch of the river before it disappeared around a bend a few hundred yards away. She’d love to be in a kayak, just drifting along with the current, escaping into nothing. To nowhere.
Though not really nowhere. She knew where the Ammonoosuc River would lead her. Aaron’s cabin was practically on the river. The cabin was hidden behind a dense thicket of pines and oaks, but he had said there was a path.
A passing car drew her attention back to the here and now. On the bridge and away from the path to Aaron’s, but everything led to Aaron, didn’t it? Because, he had her heart and her heart longed to be with him. Hannah continued the short distance to the library, deciding not to go in. It was a warm, sunny day, she’d take a walk and enjoy the sunshine.
Before long Hannah reached the Community Field. She sat down on a swing and immediately knew why she was drawn here. Aaron. Again. Last time she was here was with him. She laughed thinking about how it was their “second date”, though at that moment it wasn’t a date at all. How clever Tabitha had been to invite him to breakfast. She figured Tabitha probably used Hannah’s promise of going to the playground as a way to get Hannah to spend more time with Aaron.
Hannah smiled even more as she recalled telling him about her first kiss on the playground equipment. Then how later that night they shared their own first kiss, and how electric it was. God, she’d let him kiss her now if only he was here. But he wasn’t. That was the plan, wasn’t it? Hannah wasn’t going to fall in love, wasn’t going to have a man in her life. She wasn’t ever going to feel the soft caress of those perfect lips again.
She got moving on the swing, her feet pushing off from the ground to get the backward momentum started. After a few pumps and kicks, she was soon swinging fast and high. She wouldn’t jump off this time and turn her ankle like that morning when Aaron all but dared her to.
Vaguely aware a truck cruised down West Street, Hannah shifted her attention. It was an F-150. Just like Aaron’s. Navy blue, too. With a super cab, just like …
Shit. The truck stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of where she swung toward the heavens. She stopped the pump and kick action as the truck went into reverse and pulled into the parking lot.
All paths led to Aaron.
He climbed out of the truck and sauntered over, sitting on the swing next to her. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” she said back, keeping the slow momentum on the swing as a distraction from his presence. He must have been on his way home from work, she thought, noting his neatly disheveled appearance. He looked good in his slacks with his shirt untucked, just like it’d been last night. Hannah couldn’t help but imagine her fingers opening the shirt, one button at a time.
“I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you’d be at work,” he said, interrupting the fantasy she was about to lose herself into.
“Ditto.”
“Slow day. My boss sent me home.”
“Ditto,” she said again.
They sat next to each other in silence, swinging like a perfectly synchronized pendulum.
After a while, Hannah stopped the swing. She sat there, trying to think of just the right thing to say. Her heart pushed her in one direction, her head pulled her the opposite way. So she said nothing and finally, gave up. “I’m going home,” she said as she stopped the swing and stood up. “Bye, Aaron.”
“Let me give you a ride.”
“No, I want to walk,” she said as she stepped away.
“Hannah, wait, please.” Aaron got up from the swing and stood in front of her. He took her hand, holding it gently, his thumb caressing her palm.
“I feel like I’m losing you. Am I, Hannah? Am I losing you?”
“I don’t know,” she said quietly as she looked at the ground, trying desperately to hold back the tears.
“What can I do to make things right between us?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then tell me what it is that you want.”
“I don’t know what I want, Aaron! I really don’t.” She shook her head, still looking at the ground. It seemed easier to keep her distance emotionally if she didn’t look at him. “I need time. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t want all the emotion wrapped up in it. Mostly, I didn’t want cancer in any form back in my life.”
She con
tinued to shake her head. Finally, she looked at him, only to find his dark brown eyes pleading with her. “I just need some time.” Whether that was time to get over him or time to get over his betrayal, Hannah didn’t know.
She started to walk away, but he squeezed her hand and didn’t let her go. “Hannah …”
She didn’t let him finish. Whatever he had to say, it wasn’t as important as what she needed to do. She cupped his face and kissed him. His breath on her cheek as he exhaled felt so good. And the press of his lips felt so right. As she kissed him, tears poured down her cheeks. Her body start to shake as fear traveled through her, her heart winning the battle against her head. When Aaron tried to hold her, she pulled back. Then she walked away.
~*~
It felt like good-bye. Aaron wanted to talk to her, but the moment he sat on the swing and Hannah slung the redundant dittos at him, he knew she wasn’t going to open up. So he was happy to just sit there with her, to have her near while she wasn’t pushing him away. When she told him she needed time, he wanted to know what that meant. Time to move on, or time to forgive him and come running back into his arms?
He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her. Make her see the cancer didn’t matter, that it didn’t have to cause a rift between them. Instead he just stood there and watched her walk away. Was she just going home or walking out of his life forever?
Those answers evaded him, just as Hannah had. It was time to trust fate, just like he always had. It was fate that brought him to Hannah. Aaron had never loved anyone so deeply, so completely, had never been so happy. Would their paths have crossed had he never had cancer? Being cured was what brought him to the North Country. Otherwise he’d likely still be in the Upper Valley, waiting for tomorrow to live his dream.
Or he’d still be there living in the wake of his guilt. Moving had helped him leave it behind. That’s why he didn’t talk about his cancer. Survivor guilt, it was labeled. Aaron had managed to bury it deep after living with it for so long, but it resurfaced like a buoy the day he met Hannah. Why had he been spared? He who wasn’t married, who didn’t have a daughter. Why had he been spared and Steven Locke hadn’t?
Book Boyfriends Cafe Summer Lovin' Anthology 2015 Page 235