Now or never, coward. “I was twenty-three, just out of college. I was working as a paralegal in Lebanon. The firm had a Relay team and one of my colleagues talked me into joining. At the kick off, there was a survivor who shared his experience. He really harped on early detection and self-exams. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard the self-exam message, but I finally took it to heart, I guess. You know, I was a man now. I was out of school, had a decent job, my own apartment. I figured I needed to take better care of myself.
“I went home and did a self-check. I felt something, thought it was off, but I wasn’t sure. So I called 1-800-ACS-2345. They put me in contact with a nurse and the nurse advised me to see a doctor. A couple weeks later I did and the doctor confirmed something wasn’t right. After a whole bunch of tests, he told me I had cancer.”
Aaron exhaled hard as the fear sprang to life, once again strangling him. Aside from the guilt, this was the reason he didn’t talk about the cancer. He’d never felt fear like that before. Even just thinking about sitting in that doctor’s office and hearing the words you have cancer catapulted the fear from deep inside.
“I had surgery. Then chemo. Twice a week for six weeks. Then it was gone.”
“Why don’t you talk about?”
“Partly because of the guilt. From surviving.” Aaron paused, hoping she wouldn’t think him a coward, but there was no backing down now. “Because I was scared. I was so scared, Hannah. When the doctor told me I had cancer, I instantly thought I was going to die. I started going to church. I prayed every day to be saved. For God alone O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.”
“Psalm 62,” Hannah said quietly.
He was surprised, though he shouldn’t have been. He hadn’t seen Hannah at church, but her whole family attended. She had probably grown up going to church, would be familiar with that Psalm. And countless other bible verses. “You know it.”
“Steven used to say it every day, after he found out his cancer was terminal. I guess he found comfort in it.”
Aaron’s eyes glazed over. He stood and leaned against the edge of the porch, looking down at his feet for the longest time. Was Hannah going to hate him for keeping this secret, too? It was a risk, but he had to tell her. Taking a deep breath, he looked at her. “I met him once.”
Shock and disbelief widened her eyes. “What?”
“Steven. I met him once. At Dartmouth Hitchcock.”
“You knew Steven? Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounded more confused than angry, for which Aaron was grateful. He didn’t need to feed her anger with yet another secret.
“I wouldn’t say I knew him. It was just the one time. I didn’t even know his name. It wasn’t until I saw his picture at your house that I realized it.”
Aaron smiled at the memory. “It was the day I found out the cancer was gone. I was sitting in one of the chairs near the food court at the hospital. I couldn’t believe it. I was in tears sitting there. Steven came from the food court, I think. He sat next to me and said ‘It looks like you could use a shoulder.’” Aaron laughed. “He was the first person I shared my good news with.
“He didn’t tell me he had cancer, but asked about my experience. I shared my prayer with him, and my favorite Frost poem, too. He wished me the best, even thanked me for sharing my triumph, as he put it. Then he told me he had to get home to his wife and daughter to celebrate life.” Aaron shook his head. He had no idea who this man was going home to, or that someday that wife and daughter would fill his own heart with more love than he’d ever known.
“When was this? When did you meet him?” she asked urgently.
He remembered it like it was yesterday. He’d never forget the day he found out his prayers had been answered. “Cinco de Mayo. May fifth. Seven years ago.”
“Oh my God.”
Aaron had no idea why she’d be so stunned by that, but tears poured down her cheeks as she shook her head.
“That was the day Steven found out the cancer was back. He had an appointment that morning with his doctor. That was the day he told me he was going to die.” Hannah almost choked on the words. “That was when he started saying that Psalm. That day and every day after that.”
Aaron shook his head again. He never understood the strength in people when they knew they were going to die. He had been so scared when he only thought he was going to die. Maybe it was different, though, when you knew for sure. Stil, Aaron didn’t understand it. “God, Hannah. I had no idea. He didn’t say anything about having cancer. I’m so sorry.”
She continued shaking her head. “I hated that Psalm. I resented him for saying it. Every friggin’ day. I resented him for being at peace with dying. For being at peace with leaving me and Tabitha.” She took a couple deep breaths, then laughed. “Oh God, maybe it wasn’t resolve at all. Maybe he was praying for a miracle. Like the miracle that saved you.”
Relief seemed to wash over her, like she found peace in that revelation. She wiped the tears and looked at him. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Steven found so much comfort in that Psalm. Thank you for sharing that with him. For giving him hope.” Hannah got up from the wicker chair and came over to where Aaron stood. She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek before turning to capture his mouth.
When she pressed her body into his and brought her hands around the nape of his neck, Aaron thought he was going to lose it. She wasn’t thanking him. She was loving him. Wanting him. She confirmed that when she ran her fingers through his short hair and pulled him tighter against her mouth.
God, was she actually letting him back into her life? Into her heart? A gentleman would pull away and find out. He wanted to know where he stood with her. Had she forgiven him? Were they going to be together? Hannah hadn’t clued him in. Here she was, kissing him, touching him, wanting him, but he was afraid to ask. What if this was just good-bye?
There was no being a gentleman. Talking about his cancer reminded Aaron how short life was. If he couldn’t be with Hannah for the rest of his life, he was at least going to be with her right now.
As her tongue brushed across his lips, then found his tongue, her kiss grew more hungry. Aaron’s entire body awakened.
“If you keep kissing me like that, I’m going to have you naked in seven seconds flat. Another seven seconds and I’ll have you pressed against that wall with me inside of you.”
Hannah’s hands skated down his body, then under his muscle shirt. “Promises, promises,” she whispered, her lips still brushing his.
That was all the permission he needed. Her shirt was first to go. As soon as it was freed from her body, he tossed it aside to make quick work of her bra. Her pants and panties came off in one push down her hips. Seconds later his clothes were off. He turned her around and just as he had said, had her against the wall. With one slow push, he was inside of her.
And holy hell, did she feel good.
He was inside of her for mere seconds when the ferocity of her orgasm ignited him. He came with her, his body going still as his muscles tightened and wave after wave of his desire poured into her.
As Aaron recovered, he kissed her neck, then her lips. He was still hard, but imagined being pressed up against the logs of the cabin couldn’t be comfortable for her, so he reluctantly withdrew and turned her around. He pulled her body to his, pressing their naked bodies together.
Hannah smiled with a sexy glint in her eye. His muscles twitched under her touch as her fingers traveled the length of his back, then dug into his ass. “Take me to bed and do that to me again,” she demanded.
He wasn’t about to argue. As he lifted her, Hannah wrapped her legs around his waist. Then he carried her inside, kissing her mouth, kissing her neck, as he maneuvered through the cabin. His internal navigation system didn’t need the power of sight. He knew his house and could get to his bedroom blindfolded. Even though he moved quickly, by the time they
reached the bedroom and he placed her onto the bed, he ached to be inside her again. Following the command she issued on the porch, Aaron flipped her over onto her belly so that he could do that to her again.
But he was going to take it slow this time.
Aaron kissed her ankle, the one she had twisted so many weeks ago, then slid his tongue up her leg as his body slithered up hers. He kissed her neck, nipped at her lobe. “Is this what you want?” he whispered as he slid inside of her.
“Yes,” she said on a gasp.
He slid one hand low under her belly and lifted her ever so slightly to him so he could thrust even deeper and harder. Her breaths were fast and shallow, a telltale sign an orgasm was coming to life.
Hannah’s desire enflamed him and Aaron didn’t have the power to stop his own desire from escaping on a quiet command, “come for me.”
She did. He continued to pound into her, kissing her neck as the orgasm shot through her body and echoed in his.
God, the female body was a wondrous place. The supple curves and the soft skin on the outside. The warm and wet flesh on the inside. That sensuous flesh gripped him, demanding more, and he wanted to give her more.
As her release settled and her breaths calmed, Aaron withdrew, flipped her over onto her back, and was back inside her in oh, about seven seconds flat. He had fulfilled her demand. Now it was time to succumb to his own desire. He wanted to see her eyes. Kiss her mouth. Hear his name on her breath. He smiled as his mouth reached hers and swept her away in a passionate kiss.
~*~
Aaron continued to thrust hard into her body. Hannah reveled in the pleasure. She gripped the firm muscles of his back, hardly able to believe this was the same man who had made love to her so slowly, so sensuously just a couple weeks ago. This time was so different. He was different. She was sure she’d made him angry by making him talk about his cancer, but could hardly feel bad about that with the way he moved on her body, inside her. The first night they made love had been amazing. So was this other side of him. Hannah didn’t know which she liked better, the slow, sensual caress or the commanding thrust.
It didn’t matter because another orgasm stirred to life from where his body joined hers. He must have known too, because he had one more whispered command she wasn’t about to deny him.
“Say my name this time,” he said in her ear.
His eyes met hers and she couldn’t help the smile. She wanted to say his name. Moments later, she did as she felt him unravel with her.
They both lay there, breathing hard as though they’d just run a marathon at a flat out sprint. “I think I like you angry,” she said after finally catching her breath.
He rolled off her and onto his side, his head resting on one hand while his free hand caressed her tingling skin. “What makes you think I’m angry?” he asked.
“That was so different from last time. Kind of aggressive.” She ran her fingers along his chest, stroking the hot skin. “I just figured you were angry after talking about your cancer.”
“Aggressive? I got the impression you enjoyed it.”
Oh, did she ever. “Like I said, I think I like you angry.”
“Well, I wasn’t angry. I’m not angry, Hannah. I would never make love to you when I was angry.”
She was confused. How could he have been so gentle, so sensual the last time they were together and this time …
“I was being selfish. I just, God, Hannah, I just wanted you so badly. I didn’t know why you came here. If we’re not going to be together, well,” he paused, caressing her arm, then looking down the length of her body. As the sexy smile stretched across his lips, he continued. “There are just a few hundred different ways I want to have you. So … not knowing … I was just being selfish.”
Oh, God, he wanted her a few hundred different ways? The fire that was subsiding reignited at the thought. “Ok, well, I like your selfish side.”
“So, why did you come here, Hannah?”
The moment of truth. She’d been driving around for two hours before forcing herself to pull into his driveway. She was nervous, not because of what she felt, but because she was finally going to say it.
“I had to know about your cancer, Aaron. I just, I had to know, because there’s something I need to say to you. I couldn’t say it until I knew … until I knew what you’d been through.”
She paused. This was the easy part, wasn’t it? The hard part was getting him to talk about his cancer. They’d gotten through that. Spent the last half hour making love. So surely what she had to say should be easy as pie.
“I meant what I said, about not being able to watch someone die of cancer again. I just can’t go through that again.” She paused again, trying to find the right words.
Aaron sucked in a breath and seemed to hold it. She realized he didn’t have a clue what she was about to tell him and didn’t want him to pass out from the anticipation.
“But these past couple weeks have been hell, without you,” she admitted. Then she looked into his eyes and smiled. “I love you, Aaron. I knew I loved you before I knew you had cancer. I’m scared, but I’ll take whatever time I can have with you. Whether it’s one year or fifteen or fifty.”
He just stared at her, still holding his breath. Oh, God, why wasn’t he breathing? Isn’t this what he wanted, too? Her cheeks flushed. She had said it, the nervousness should be gone, but with Aaron holding his breath, she was terrified she had waited too long.
He let his breath out, then took a deep one in and let that one out. He was breathing. A smile crept across his mouth as he continued to breathe in and out. He caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers.
“Tell me you’re smiling like that because you’re thinking about the few hundred different ways you want to have me.”
He shook his head. “I have no words. I just love you so much, Hannah. There aren’t any words.”
“Then show me,” she said leaning into him.
He pulled her body tight against his. He was aroused again, which excited her, but he didn’t make a move to get inside her. Instead he just held her. He held her tight, like he was never going to let go. Like he couldn’t let go.
Chapter 21
“The Fight Back ceremony is my favorite part of Relay,” Aaron said as he and Hannah circled the track at a leisurely pace. The ceremony had just ended and the track was busy. A half dozen fast pacers passed by them and dozens of other leisurely strollers as they made their way past the hundreds of luminaria bags lining the track, inside and out.
The sun inched toward the horizon. In another hour it would set. Soon after, they would be lighting the candles inside the bags in preparation for the Luminaria Ceremony.
“I know for most survivors it’s about celebrating, and I do, but I feel like I owe it to those who didn’t survive to fight back,” he said
Hannah squeezed his hand. “Fight Back is my favorite part, too.” That was what drew her to Relay. She loved the survivor ceremony and seeing everyone share the memories of their loved ones on the luminaria bags, but for her, Relay had always been about fighting back.
“Then let’s fight back together,” he said as he squeezed her hand a little tighter.
She smiled at him and nodded. Yeah, her days of fighting back alone were over. She wanted to fight back with him.
Aaron stopped walking and pulled her close to him. He put his hands on her waist, his gaze locked with hers. It was just the way he had looked at her that first day they met, when he was snapping pictures at the motorcycle fundraiser.
“I love you, Hannah.”
“I love you, too, Aaron,” she said.
“I love Tabitha, too.”
She nodded. “I know you do.”
He reached into his pocket as he grabbed her hand again. Then he dropped down onto one knee in front of her.
Hannah’s heart stopped.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Hannah. Fighting Back. Celebrating. Remembering.” He nodded to
a luminaria bag that stood on the ground just to her left.
She recognized the picture on the front. It was one he’d taken at the memorial ride of her, Tabitha, Donna, and Malinda all around Steven’s motorcycle. She picked the bag up to take a closer look. There was a picture of Steven overlaid on the bottom corner. And Steven’s name was written on the top of the bag. She turned the bag over and found Psalm 32 in Aaron’s handwriting.
“You made this?” she asked, stunned by the sentiment.
“I did. I told you, I don’t want to replace him. I don’t expect you to stop loving him.”
Oh, and here she was thinking he was going to propose to her. Now she realized he was just showing her the bag he had made to honor Steven.
Disappointment replaced the shaking. Hannah knew she wanted to marry him. It had been less than two months since their gazes locked over the lens of his camera. Her whole world had changed since then – because of Aaron. She loved him so much. Seeing how he had honored Steven with the luminaria bag not only had her loving him even more, but respecting him more, too.
She returned the bag to its place along the inside of the track. She would remember where it sat so that after it was lit she could remember the man, the men, she would always love. As Hannah turned back to Aaron, he held out a ring to her. This time her heart leaped out of her chest.
“Will you marry me, Hannah?”
Just then Tabitha came running over. Hannah knew this not because she could see her. No, she wasn’t taking her eyes off Aaron. But Tabitha was bellowing with excitement. “Say yes, Mommy! Say yes!”
Hannah laughed. “Yes, Aaron! Yes, I’ll marry you!”
Aaron slipped the ring on her finger, and it fit perfect. She looked at it for a moment, then sat down on his knee, wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him with all the love she had in her heart.
She was vaguely aware of applause while some yelled, “She said yes!”
When Hannah pulled away from Aaron’s lips, Tabitha, who was jumping up and down, practically tackled them.
Book Boyfriends Cafe Summer Lovin' Anthology 2015 Page 237