I froze at the mention of his daughter. “Mason?”
Paul nodded. “I know it’s a little premature,” he said, laughing nervously though his eyes danced. “But she turns sixteen in a couple of months, and I thought it would make a good birthday-slash-Christmas present. Plus, maybe she could come up more often if she had her own wheels. If I get it now, I can have it registered and outfitted in time for the holiday without having to rush anything, ya know?”
I closed my eyes and told myself not to get angry. He hadn’t done anything wrong. But even if he wasn’t at fault, the fact remained that what I’d thought was a bad motherhood day had just taken a ridiculously horrible turn.
Chapter 4
The Playboy Bunny argument was nothing compared to the “Paul’s daughter gets a car and she’s not even sixteen yet!” tirade that filled my home Saturday afternoon. Paul decided to watch the game at his brother Charlie’s house in Fountain Green as soon as he realized what had happened, leaving me to deal with my daughter’s temper tantrum alone. I’d never been all that good at tantrums, and reason made way for a tantrum of my own before Stormy slammed the door to her room, rattling Paul’s framed D’Ottavio prints that lined the hallway.
I let out a breath and tried chanting eight more months, eight more months, eight more months, but it didn’t ease the rock in my stomach.
Half an hour later Jared called me to discuss the situation. Thank you, Stormy. He offered to pay the insurance if I bought her a car; I told him I couldn’t afford one. He told me to talk to Paul. Without getting into the details of my financial relationship with my husband, I said that wasn’t an option, which invited a pointed “I see.” My blood boiled.
After that lovely discussion, I tried to read some more, but I couldn’t get into the story. I looked at the clock—it was almost six—and I made up my mind, once and for all, to go to that book club. I had just enough time to make a quick dinner of pasta and pesto sauce, prepare a plate for Stormy, eat my own plateful, and head out. Before I left, I wrote a quick note to Stormy, slid it into The Hunger Games, and pushed the whole book under the door of her room, though it was a tight fit. Letting her read the book before I finished wasn’t much in the way of peace offerings, but I was still pretty frustrated, and it was the best I could do.
I ended up arriving at the book group fifteen minutes early, but that was okay. It gave me a chance to chat with Ruby, and laugh about how we’d met. She was eccentric, that was for sure, but she had a beautiful home, and while we waited for the others to arrive, she told me all about her late husband and the travels they’d taken. I sensed she was lonely and was surprised to realize that I could relate. Of course I had Paul and my girls and some friends at work, but I couldn’t really say there were any women in my life—not even my mom or sisters—with whom I felt truly comfortable. I hadn’t had many close relationships with other women as an adult since my life had always been out of the norm. While I was learning to be a mom, the girls my age were still in high school. My career was in full swing by the time most women my age were graduating from college. Ruby was almost twenty years older than I was, but I wondered if she was the kind of woman I could really become friends with. More than ever, I felt like I had room in my life to really nurture that kind of relationship.
The next member of the group, Athena, arrived five minutes before it started. I guessed she was in her thirties and tried not to envy her athletic body. I’d never had time for the kind of commitment it took to have a physique like that. Then again, maybe she was naturally thin, the same way she was naturally beautiful. She had the most striking eyes, but I worried she’d retreat if I told her so; I had the distinct impression she didn’t want to be put on the spot, even in a positive way. The doorbell rang, and Ruby went to answer it, leaving Athena and me alone in Ruby’s living room.
“Do you live here in Newport?” I asked when Athena didn’t seem willing to start a conversation.
“Yes,” she said simply.
Before I had a chance to ask anything else, Ruby was back with another woman.
“Olivia,” Ruby said. “Meet Daisy and Athena.”
The new woman smiled and handed a plate of cookies to Ruby.
“Call me Livvy,” she insisted, blowing her overgrown bangs out of her face. Livvy nervously attempted to smooth her hair, making me wonder if she wasn’t exactly comfortable with the hairstyle she’d chosen. “I know you didn’t want us to bring anything, but this was a new recipe I just had to try. White chocolate chip cookies.”
Ruby thanked her as the door chimed again. “Oh, I’m glad everyone is so punctual,” she said, excusing herself again.
Livvy turned to us, looking flustered. She was probably close to my age—younger maybe, but close.
“It’s wonderful to meet both of you. I’ve been looking forward to this all day,” Livvy said, straightening her wrinkled top. I’d learned the hard way that you really shouldn’t wear linen unless you could take care of it.
I didn’t have time for a polite comment before Ruby reappeared with a young woman trailing behind her. A very young woman. How old was this girl? Nineteen?
“And this is Paige. We have one more member, but she must be running late.” Ruby looked at her watch and frowned.
We all said or nodded hello to Paige, who gave a small smile and a smaller wave in greeting, and my heart went out to her. She seemed a little overwhelmed. She’d no sooner sat down when the doorbell rang yet again. Ruby smiled and bustled out of the room, returning a few seconds later with a tall woman dressed in khaki slacks and a green, collared shirt with a logo from Walgreens stitched in the corner. I could tell right away something was different with Ruby’s relationship to this member; she stood closer to the girl and looked more at ease.
“This is my niece, Shannon,” Ruby said with a smile. “She needs to make room for a book in her life now and again, so I’m thrilled she could come.”
Shannon smiled back, but I had the distinct impression that she was here for Ruby more than for the book group. Her brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and I guessed she was in her late thirties. She looked tired, and I wondered what she did at Walgreens. Was she a cashier? Obviously she’d just gotten off work.
“Everyone have a seat, and we’ll make the round of introductions,” Ruby said, gesturing Shannon toward the white couches I’d already become familiar with. Shannon perched on the edge next to Paige, but didn’t sit back all the way.
Once seated, Ruby wasted no time getting started. “As you all know, I’m Ruby Crenshaw. I just turned sixty-two last month. I’ve lived in this gorgeous home by myself since the passing of my husband. It’s been nearly two years, but sometimes it seems as if Phil has just left for work.” She paused for a breath. “I have one son who lives in Illinois with his wife. My brother and his wife—Shannon’s parents—recently moved to Phoenix, though I can’t imagine why they would want to live in the middle of the desert.” She shook her head as evidence of her confusion, then smiled as she looked at her niece. “Shannon lives in Laguna Hills; it’s wonderful to have her so close. No grandkids of my own just yet.”
I’d been right about her being lonely.
“I’ve always read,” Ruby continued, “especially when my husband traveled.” She looked down at her hands and fiddled with the wedding ring she still wore, which made my heart ache a little. Paul and I had only been married for three years, but I couldn’t imagine life without him. “Since I was widowed, I haven’t socialized like I used to with our friends. They’re always there with an open invitation, but I find it harder to enjoy myself around them since I’m always the third or fifth or seventh wheel. So I spend a lot of time cooking for myself, and reading, of course.” She looked up and put on a bright smile. “That’s enough about me. Let’s go around the circle.”
She waved toward me, indicating I was first, so I gave a quick synopsis of my family and my job, not letting my thoughts dwell on the tension waiting for me at home. “And I’m
looking forward to getting to know more people now that my kids are older and I have my own life again.” I laughed, but noticed that the other women just smiled politely.
Athena and Paige were too young to know what it felt like to be at this stage of life. Shannon and Livvy might understand the demands of mothering a child who thought she knew everything, but neither of them backed me up. Shannon might still be too young, and Livvy was probably a perfect little housewife, with a perfect little life, whose kids were the center of her universe. By comparison, my comment had just made me look like one of those career-driven women who counted their family low on the list of priorities. I felt self-conscious for having said something so flippant. Maybe this wasn’t going to work out. I pasted a smile on my face anyway and turned to the next person.
Livvy cleared her throat before telling us about her four kids. Four! I couldn’t imagine. As she continued in a hurried voice, I realized that was all she talked about—her kids. Didn’t she have anything in her life outside of them? I was right about the happy homemaker judgment I’d already pronounced.
“My daughter is babysitting for me tonight, which means the kids will likely be having frozen pizza for dinner, but at least they’ve got homemade cookies,” she said.
I could read through that, though. Livvy felt guilty for being here—guilty for doing something that, compared to the rest of her life, seemed frivolous. I could relate, but it also annoyed me.
“I haven’t read a novel in a long time, so I’m hoping to get a kick start with the group,” she finished.
Ruby leaned over and patted Livvy’s hand.
Then it was Paige’s turn. She wasn’t nineteen, but she was still in her mid-twenties. “I’m sort of starting over right now,” she said, shifting awkwardly in her seat. “See, I’m newly single. I have two little boys—almost seven and three. I still can’t believe I’m actually divorced. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me, you know? I mean, we were married in the temple and everything.”
Temple? Was she Jewish? But she acted as though she’d said something she hadn’t meant to and hurried to explain.
“See, I’m Mormon and marriage is supposed to be forever when the ceremony is in one of our temples. . . . The boys miss their dad like crazy, but he left us for another woman, and . . .” She paused again, and I could see she was embarrassed. In my mind I told her to just take a deep breath, it was okay. “I came tonight because reading is one of my few escapes—or, well, it used to be—and I miss it. I also came in hopes of making some new friends.” She took a nervous bite of her cookie, and I smiled, trying to catch her eye as her cheeks flushed.
I knew she thought she’d said too much, and I wanted to hug her. I’d been there myself, and I reflected for a moment on those first few years after my own divorce. It had been like living in a haze, and I was sure I was suffering from depression on top of just plain old being overwhelmed by it all. I hoped I could have the chance to offer her some encouragement. It gets easier, I wanted to say, but worried I would embarrass her even more so I kept it to myself.
Ruby offered sincere regret for Paige’s circumstance but said how glad she was that Paige had made this time for herself. I agreed wholeheartedly. Maybe my own adjustment period wouldn’t have been so hard if I’d had other women to be close to during that time. Instead, I’d stayed pretty isolated and had put all my energy into trying to figure it out on my own.
“I’m a pharmacist,” Shannon said once Paige finished. “I live in Laguna Hills, like Aunt Ruby said, and I have one son. He’s twelve. I’ve been married for fourteen years and, honestly, I can’t remember the last book I read. I think Aunt Ruby’s hoping I’ll develop some hobbies.”
“She works too much,” Ruby said with a knowing nod, but a kind smile. “I’m really glad you’re here, Shannon.”
Shannon shrugged, looking embarrassed, and then turned to Athena expectantly. “So, tell us about you.”
Athena looked even more uncomfortable than she’d been when she first came in, but I found myself curious about her story now that we’d learned about everyone else. I hoped she wouldn’t retreat from the chance to let us get to know her.
“I’m thirty-two and single,” she said.
We all waited for her to continue, but she didn’t seem as though she had anything else to say.
“Oh, come on,” Ruby said. “There’s got to be more to you than that.” She smiled in a motherly way that seemed to do the trick for Athena.
“I own an online magazine called Newport Travel. It keeps me pretty busy . . . so much so that my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago.”
It was obvious that hadn’t been what she planned to say.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ruby said. “But you’re a beautiful girl, and I’m sure you won’t be single for long.”
I cringed, especially since Athena looked the tiniest bit stricken by Ruby’s words.
“It’s not exactly what you think,” she said. “I wasn’t ready to move into anything deeper and . . . Karl was . . . so he ended it.” I thought for sure she’d stop there but was surprised when she kept going. “He thinks I’m a workaholic.” She took a deep breath, and Livvy nodded at her encouragingly. “I am. I know it. But I want to do better. So here I am.”
Ruby clapped her hands together. “We’ll straighten you out.”
Everyone laughed.
“Well, now that we know one another, let’s eat,” Ruby said with a big smile while Athena recovered from what looked like shock at what she’d said. “Then we’ll talk books.”
The rest of the evening went smoothly. I could tell we were all a little hesitant about being too comfortable with one another, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, and by the time we left, I was glad I’d come.
The closer I got to home, the more the reality of what was waiting for me there began to descend. I wished I had somewhere else to go, but that wasn’t the case. I was the mom; I was in charge, which meant everyone’s problems became my problems.
Eight more months.
Chapter 5
“Hey, Amy,” I said, scanning the paper I’d just printed as I let myself into her office. “I was looking over this addendum for the Clark Construction policy, and did you ask them about—” I looked up and took in her red eyes and splotchy complexion. She wiped quickly at her eyes and ducked her head as though maybe she could hide from me. After pausing a moment, I shut the door to her office and turned the wand to close the vertical blinds on the interior window of her office, enclosing us in the privacy we needed.
“What happened?” I asked, sliding into the seat across from her desk. The policy was forgotten as I watched her face. She shook her head and looked as though she might speak before dropping her head into her hands.
“It didn’t take,” she said in a throaty whisper. My heart sank for her; she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for three years. I moved around the desk and put my arms around her shoulders, giving her permission to let down her attempted façade. She leaned into me and began to sob into the sleeve of my jacket. I rubbed her back and ached with her while she let it all out.
Amy and I had worked together for almost four years, ever since she’d transferred from the Sacramento office. She was almost ten years younger than I was, but as the only two female commercial agents in the office, we tended to stick together. Paul and I had attended her wedding just two months after returning home from our own honeymoon. A year later, she’d confessed her fears to me that something was wrong. She’d expected to be pregnant by now. I’d assured her that these things took time—though they never had with me—and she began to see me as someone she could talk to.
Her mother was too sympathetic, which Amy said made her feel like a little girl. Amy’s older sister already had two young children and little time to commiserate. Amy’s friends were either handing their babies off to their nannies in the morning, had already decided not to reproduce, or were always offering her unwanted advice. I was none of those people. I wa
s just Daisy, the gal at work who would cheer her on or cheer her up, depending on the circumstances. But it was getting harder to fill that role. This was Amy’s fourth round of in vitro. The hormones and expectations were wearing her out. And now this one hadn’t worked either. What do you say in a situation like that?
I didn’t know. So I continued to hold her and, for a minute, I even let myself reflect on my own loss—the closest I could come to truly relating to how she felt right now. December had been twelve, Stormy was two, and I was pregnant, which was the only reason Jared had agreed to go to marriage counseling in a final effort to save our family. Fifteen years later, I couldn’t remember if I had been excited about the pregnancy. Did I see it as the possible link that would keep us together? Did I hope it would guilt-trip him into staying? I didn’t know. I did know that I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening to us at the time. I was desperate to hang on to my marriage, though my motives were shaky. If we could have loved that baby, could we maybe, possibly, have loved each other enough to make our marriage work?
We’d never know.
At thirteen weeks I started cramping—bad. I ended up hemorrhaging with the miscarriage and staying at the hospital overnight after getting a D and C. I can still remember staring up at the ceiling that night, alone, exhausted, emotionally vacant, and realizing that without this baby, Jared and I had nothing else to build on. My baby was gone. My marriage was over. I had failed, again.
We stopped going to counseling. Jared stopped trying to hide the phone calls he got from a girl named Jenna, and I finally gave up. There was really nothing left to save other than the accomplishment of being married and that wasn’t a good enough reason anymore. For the second time in my life, I became a single mother, only this time I had a preteen and a toddler to feel insufficient for. I had felt like a failed woman in every sense of the word, and losing that baby had been devastating on so many levels.
The Newport Ladies Book Club: Daisy Page 3