“Becky,” Maddy hissed. “Close your mouth.”
Grace looked on with amusement, but Becky’s focus was elsewhere. She did manage to snap her mouth shut, but she couldn’t stop staring. Tank was wearing long, baggy, dark blue swim shorts, his enormous calves the only part of his legs that she could really see. She marked his progress as he walked over to pick up his towel. He could turn around at any moment. This was her only chance to calmly run from the room.
“Huh. I bought him those swim trunks. They look good,” Grace observed, far too casually, as far as Becky was concerned.
She remained frozen as Tank finally turned, toweling off his spikey hair. He stopped, one hand on his head, when he noticed them.
Becky swallowed. He was stunning.
Grace stepped from their group and walked over to her brother. “Hey, Tank.”
Maddy nudged Becky. “Come on,” she whispered. “You’ll look really silly if you don’t go over there now.”
Looking silly was not an option. Becky moved her legs, attempting to keep her eyes on Tank’s face as she approached.
Tank nodded. “Becky, Maddy.” He reached for his neck and then changed his mind. His arm swung down to his side and Becky couldn’t help but wonder how much just one of his limbs weighed.
While she mentally weighed and measured him, Maddy had the presence of mind to say hello. “Hey, Tank. Doing laps?”
“Just finished,” he replied, trying not to stare at Becky and failing.
Grace continued to grin. “Well, I’m going to jump in. Maddy?”
“I’m ready.”
Becky watched them leave, eyes narrowing as they abandoned her. She breathed deeply and resisted the urge to fold her arms in front of herself. She was on display, almost as much as Tank was. Normally, she embraced showing off the body she worked so hard to keep fit. Right now, she wanted to crawl back into the locker room.
“Water cold?” she managed, wishing he would settle his eyes somewhere on her. His effort not to stare was more distracting than openly ogling.
“Not too bad,” he replied. He held onto the two ends of the towel around his neck. “You look ...”
“Don’t. No. Don’t say it.”
He grinned. “Say what? That you look like you put on a little weight?”
Becky gasped. Before she could find the words to counter-humiliate him he qualified his barbaric statement. “That’s not a slam, Becky. You look good.”
He emphasized the word ‘good’ in a way that actually made her knees weak. She mentally shook herself and regained her scowl. “I work hard at keeping the weight off. Don’t mess with me.”
He grinned. “Well, leave some of it on. I like it.”
She crossed her arms. “What do you know? When you’re super-sized everyone around you looks too small.”
“Super-sized. I like that.”
She rolled her eyes.
Tank laughed and Becky couldn’t believe the role reversal. Since when was he so cheerful?
“I work hard at putting the weight on. Different goals, I guess.”
“Why do you want to put more weight on?” Becky asked. “What do you even do with those?” She glanced at his traps. It must have been an upper body workout day because they were bigger than ever.
He grinned and shrugged.
Becky pulled her eyes away from his muscles. “Impressive. Like you need twenty extra pounds on your shoulders to do that.” She shrugged her own shoulders and Tank followed the movement.
“You’re right. Yours are perfect,” he said quietly.
She didn’t like the direction their conversation was taking. It was bad enough that they were standing face to face, mostly undressed, after the tumultuous weekend they’d had. She needed to get herself in the cold water.
“Well, I should get my swim in.”
“Okay.”
He looked over her shoulder and then took a step closer. Every nerve in Becky’s body screamed in confusion as he took the edge of his towel from around his neck and wiped her cheek. His gaze was a little too intent for a guy who’d just said ‘okay’ as his parting salutation.
Becky concentrated on breathing. He was very close, and while he was making contact through the towel, the motion was decidedly intimate. The corner of his mouth lifted and she was mesmerized. Then one of the other P.E. teachers walked by.
She exhaled, tried to make her voice light. “Is he the one who’s after you?”
Tank snorted. “After you, more like. Watch out for him.”
Becky tried to see around him, but couldn’t without appearing to try. She looked back up at him. “Oh, please.”
He lifted her chin. “I’m not kidding. He’s no good.”
He looked into her eyes. She swallowed and tried not to think about their proximity. She glanced at his jaw - his stubble was darker today. She really wanted to touch it.
“Can I swim now?” she squeaked. Clearing her throat, she backed up a step and tried to look cool.
He dropped his hand. “Sure, need a push?”
She half-smiled at him. “You’d like that.”
“Yes, I would.”
He walked her to the edge of the pool and watched as she lowered herself onto the ladder. She was not about to look at him from this angle. She mumbled a “See you later,” to his ankles.
Ducking into the water, she tried not to whimper at the cold. She felt him watching as she pushed away from the pool on her back and then turned into a side-stroke. Concentrating on the strokes, she willed him to leave.
If avoidance at all costs meant running into Tank half-dressed, she needed a much more effective method of survival. She doubted she’d find one before the dance on Friday.
twenty-four
The ride to the Benson pregnancy center was quiet after Becky shared her own experience. She didn’t give all the details, but enough to let Carrie know that she trusted her with some personal backstory. Becky hoped the favor would be returned at some point, but wasn’t going to hold her breath. When pressed, Carrie had said that she’d taken a pregnancy test at home that had come out positive. She wanted another opinion and, for obvious reasons, had chosen to go to the center, rather than her own doctor. Other than that initial conversation, Carrie had said nothing. She listened, but never made eye contact; her gaze riveted on whatever was passing outside of her window.
The ride home was a bit more productive.
“So, what would you like to do next?” Becky asked, pulling out of the center’s small lot.
Carrie looked up in surprise. It was amazing how attractive the girl was when she wasn’t scowling. “I figured you’d probably take me home.”
“Well, yeah, of course,” Becky replied. “Do you have time to make one more stop?”
Carrie looked at her speculatively. “Okay?”
Becky nodded and put her car into gear. “I think we need to celebrate.”
The relief spreading across Carrie’s face gave way to a huge grin. “That’d be cool.”
They drove down the street to a little diner, and within minutes were seated in a cozy booth padded in red vinyl. Fifties music played and neon rope signs spelled out various menu items on the walls. “French Fries” flashed in hot pink above them.
“Cool spot,” Carrie said, looking around.
“Yeah, I’ve passed it a couple of times and always wanted to try it,” Becky replied. “Fun atmosphere.”
Carrie smiled and looked down at her menu. Becky did the same, but the selections blurred before her as she considered the potential of the next half hour. She’d have her student’s attention like never before, and probably never again. What should she say?
Her own memories of slinking away from the clinic, wild with relief, but still utterly alone engulfed her. She’d been in such a panic; fear and uncertainty had been her constant companions for weeks. When she’d been told she wasn’t pregnant, all she wanted was for her life to return to normal.
Of course, it hadn’t.
/>
She’d wanted to tell Taylor, but he’d never known of the possibility of her pregnancy. No one had. There was no one to celebrate with; no one to help her think about her new future.
Her family was there, but she’d been too ashamed to go to her parents or to her seemingly perfect sister. Looking back, she ached with regret. They would have loved her through it; she knew that now, though she couldn’t believe it at the time.
Bouncing around in a sea of unstable emotions, sixteen-year-old Becky gave in to the new attention she started receiving. She’d never had problems with the boys, but she enjoyed the amped up interest they were expressing. She didn’t have a lot of close girlfriends, so when the boys were ready to take her mind off her confusion, she let them.
She’d let them for a decade. Now she had the opportunity to help the girl across from her to not let them, and she wasn’t going to waste it.
“Um, Miss Jacobs?”
Becky looked up from her unread menu.
“I don’t have any money.”
Becky smiled. “This one’s on me.” She considered Carrie for a moment. “But we’re gonna talk, okay?”
***
Becky wrapped her scarf more securely around her neck. The wind was bitter cold, but there was something exhilarating about walking on the beach at night. She was alone with the elements, and the elements were doing their best to chase her back inside. She ducked her head and continued walking. They were not going to win. She needed to think.
Her talk with Carrie had been ... eventful. The girl had come down off her ‘I’m not pregnant’ high and begun to unload all of her fears and regret on Becky. The story was painfully familiar. At least Becky could honestly say, ‘I know how you feel.’
Once Carrie had finished venting, she seemed to feel a little better, though she also seemed lost. So she wasn’t pregnant. That was a relief. What now? Her heart had been broken, of course, though she didn’t say it in so many words. She felt marked, judged. Though she’d confided in very few people, she still felt like ‘everybody’ knew. And though it seemed like ‘everybody’ had been doing the same thing, Carrie’s almost getting caught, so to speak, made it all seem different. More real. More permanent. She’d made her choice and there was no going back.
Becky had mostly just listened. It hardly seemed helpful to say, “Well, I slept around a lot afterward. Not sure that’s the best course, but you could see if it works for you.” Neither did it seem responsible to say, “Just go on with your life and pretend it never happened. Stop having sex. Stop looking at boys. You’ve seen what can happen!”
By the time Carrie had finished her meal and wiped her tears, she was exhausted, and Becky thought it best to take her home and let her sleep. She encouraged her to open up to her parents or one of her brothers. Carrie had looked alarmed at the idea, but Becky told her to consider it, just the same. She might find more compassion than she expected. It might be worth a try.
She wanted so much for Carrie to rebound differently than she had. So she walked the beach and she thought about her past and the kids in her class. It was late when she finally trudged up the steps to the inn. She kicked the snow off her boots and stripped off all the layers. After a hot shower, she went to bed and slept like a baby.
***
“ ‘Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.’ A poem.”
Silence.
“Kidding. It was a joke.” Becky looked around the room. “But the issue that we’ve been discussing is serious, and I want to leave you with some closing thoughts.
“Sex is serious business. You’re young, you promise each other the world, then you find, when it’s all said and done, that you don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of your lives together. You may not even look at each other in school the next day.”
Tank listened with interest. She was being more than fair. In most cases, the guys were doing all the promising. Becky could have lashed out at guys in general with her ‘closing remarks,’ but she didn’t.
“What kind of a first experience do you want to have?” She looked around the room, her face serious, but Tank saw the vulnerability.
“You roll your eyes when we tell you that you need a certain amount of maturity to be sexually active, but it’s true. Just because your body is capable of doing certain things, it doesn’t mean your mind or your heart can deal with the aftermath.
“Our job here is to help you see that you don’t have to bow to all of the pressure out there. You’ve heard the arguments.” She continued to walk through the aisles of the classroom. “Please know that you’re not alone. And I’m not talking about your having the support of your teachers, though, of course, you do. I mean that you have each other. Some of you will choose to wait. Very few of you will admit it. Who brags about not having experience in something that everyone wants experience in? But you need to know that you’re not alone. No matter what they say, not ‘everyone else is doing it.’ ”
Becky didn’t make eye contact with Tank as she approached the front of the room again, but his eyes never left her face. She turned back to the class.
“However, some of you have made other choices.”
She didn’t look around the room; didn’t seem to want anyone to feel implicated. She paused and straightened some papers on the desk.
“What’s done is done, right? Turns out, what’s done is fun. Now you know. No big surprise there. But does it follow that you have to or that you should stay sexually active?
“If you have taken the leap, please know that your choices are no different and no more limited. I understand that it’s hard to stop. You know what you’re giving up. But there’s power in making that choice.
“I’m telling you that it’s possible to start over; to choose something else. There are so many things to be gained: an incredible sense of self-worth, of accomplishment, of power. And hopefully, one day you find someone that you really want to give yourself to - with no fear - no regret - no looking back. Imagine what that relationship will be like.”
She looked down at the neat stack of papers on the desk. Tank saw her draw a deep breath.
“If you hear me say nothing else this semester, please hear this. You can start over. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t.”
twenty-five
“I feel like I’m back in college, decorating my dorm room.”
Maddy handed Becky another lacy heart to hang in the window. “Well, I think it’s a nice little touch,” she replied. “I wasn’t sure I could sell the romantic getaway weekend. I’m glad a few people are trying it out.”
“They just heard about my phenomenal breakfasts,” Becky concluded, slapping up the last heart with a grin. She jumped down from the stool she’d been perched on.
Maddy smiled as they looked around the parlor together. “I like it. The roses are a nice touch, and they smell wonderful.”
“They’d better. They cost an arm and a leg this time of year.”
“Hence, the potpourri,” Maddy lifted one of the porcelain dishes she’d found at a garage sale. “I think we’re done. I’m just going to go upstairs and check the rooms one more time.”
“Good deal,” Becky said, picking up the stool to return it to the kitchen. “And you still have time to help me pick out a dress?”
“Of course! Be right back.”
In a matter of minutes, Maddy was rifling through the closet, while Becky sat on her bed, fighting the nerves that were finally settling in.
“So this is gorgeous,” Maddy pulled a dress out and held it up to herself. “I don’t think I could ever wear a red like this, but it would be stunning on you.” She spun around and watched the skirt flair out.
“It’s a Valentine’s Day dance. I can’t wear red.”
Maddy gave Becky a look. “You’re not wearing the grey suit.”
“Why not? It’s comfortable, teacherly. Kids won’t mess with me if I wear that.”
Maddy hung the red dress back in the closet. “Okay, I get that t
he red dress is a little much for a dance that you’re chaperoning, but the grey suit? Really?”
Becky put her head in her hands. “I don’t know if I can do this, Maddy.”
Maddy sat down next to her. “Do what?”
“Be on display with Tank. We’re in such a weird place with each other right now. And there are so many people invested. It’s so awkward.”
Maddy considered this. “Yeah. No one needs an audience while they’re trying to figure out a relationship.”
“Ever since we started fake dating - spending more time with each other - teaching together - he’s just really started to grow on me, and, oh ...” Becky groaned, “it’s making me crazy.”
Maddy laughed. “Why?”
“Because I’m done with men forever and he’s making it so difficult!”
“Why do you have to be done with Tank? Is he not interested? And if you think he’s not, then we need to talk.”
Becky smoothed the bed spread. “He’s interested.”
Maddy grinned. Becky could feel the happy energy coming off her sister in waves.
“Well, then I really don’t see a problem.” Maddy nudged Becky’s shoulder with hers. “Come on, Beck, this is exciting! Give it a chance.”
Becky lay back on the bed. “I just feel like I can’t stick with anything I decide to do. Can’t hold a job, can’t settle down in any one place, can’t say no to men. I’m just ... I have no conviction. I’m tired of living my life this way.”
Maddy looked down at her. “Seems to me like you’ve already started to change that.”
“What, because I’ve managed to hold onto a long-term subbing position while living in my sister’s house? Yeah, I’ve really turned things around.” Becky sighed and looked toward the window.
“You’ve helped me a lot since you moved up here, more than you know. You put your family first ...”
Done With Men Forever (Clairmont Series Book 3) Page 21