Let Me Love

by Michelle Lynn

  “Like you did with Sadie?” I chuckle, and he joins me in laughter, remembering how he had me stalking the campus for weeks to find her.

  “You’ve made your point.” He continues on his way to the girls and sits next to Sadie, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

  Watching from the other room, Kailey laughs with ease and comfortableness at some story Sadie’s telling her. I pray like hell it isn’t some embarrassing fact about me. Like how I have a habit of drinking out of the orange juice container, or how I left that porn in the DVD player that one time. A small chuckle escapes envisioning Sadie’s face when she turned on the television that day. I can still hear her screaming my name.

  Kailey glances my way, as though she senses my eyes on her. She’s beautiful. Her lips turn up as her eyes remain focused on mine. Turning back to Sadie and Brady, she says something before standing up and walking my way. Our eyes stay on each other the whole time she’s making her way over to me. The anticipation to have her in my arms and her lips on mine grows with every step closer she comes.

  The back of her hand brushes down my cheek and her green irises stare into mine with complete forgiveness. “Hi,” she quietly says.

  “Hi,” I repeat, not able to tear my eyes away from her. Her hand continues down, allowing her fingers to graze down my lips, making it so tempting to bite at her fingers.

  “You scare me,” she admits. I’m not sure why she’s picking now to divulge her hidden fears. “It was wrong of me to make that joke when you’ve been nothing short of a gentleman to me.” Her apology grips my stomach. I can’t quite believe she gives a shit about me.

  “You make me—different,” I reveal in the middle of this foreign house. I’m admitting feelings I never thought I would harbor inside of myself again.

  “Good,” she says, inching up on her toes to kiss me. Not allowing her to escape, I turn us and press her against the wall. My lips and tongue consume her, trying to impart every weakness she brings over me.

  A slap on my back and a whistle announces Dex and Sam’s emergence out of her bedroom. Reluctantly, I tear myself away from Kailey, and she smiles up at me as she takes in a deep breath. I love seeing her expression when I stop kissing her, it’s like she’s disappointed that it ended. “We’ll finish this later,” I softly say, and she nods.

  The rest of the night goes smoothly, except for running into Jessa’s ex, which Grant handled with nothing but benevolence. As for Kailey, she held my hand the whole night, letting me steal kisses and move her onto my lap. We were a couple, if only for the remainder of our time in Colorado.

  Our last night, the reluctance to drop her off at her aunt and uncle’s has me driving slower than normal. My hand has been warming inside hers the whole trip, and I’m not ready for it to become cold again. The few glances we’ve made toward one another tells me she feels the same way. I just wish, she would give me her whole self; it’s obvious she’s holding something back.

  I put the van in park and turn toward her. “I hate that we go back tomorrow,” I tell her, fear rushing over me that this could be my last time alone with her. She hasn’t been reserved, but she has obligations back home. Ones she clearly doesn’t want me a part of.

  “I know,” she softly says, staring down at our entwined hands. She takes her other hand and rubs it on top of ours. “Do you remember what I said this morning? I can’t promise you—,” she begins the usual rant.

  “I remember.” Although I’m hoping like hell something changed her mind tonight. She picks up her head, and I see a tear welling up, about to escape her eye. “Hey.” I reach my hand to her cheek, but she quickly turns toward the window.

  “I’m sorry, Trey. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She wipes her own tear away, sitting up straighter in the seat.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. I don’t understand, Kailey. Why are you crying?” I tentatively ask, knowing if I push to far she’ll run.

  “When I get back home, I don’t have time like this. I barely have enough time to study and attend classes, but... I’ll miss this.” I notice another tear fall down her cheek, landing on her nylon coat.

  “You can trust me,” I say, leaning closer. “What’s back home?” I’m eager to know what keeps her so closed off.

  “Just family pressures.” She looks up at me finally. Placing my palm against her cheek, I display a clear concern for her and what her problems are. But before we can go into it any further, she leans over and smashes her lips against mine. Soon she’s on top of me, straddling me with her back against the steering wheel.

  She’s so similar to me, masking her problems with anything but what it is. I allow her to hide, and we make out in the car for a while. By the time I have to leave, the sun is about to come up. Walking her to the door, I wrap her in my arms, kissing her with every ounce of me. Hoping it pushes her to continue this between us. Her last words aren’t what I hoped for.

  “It’s been nice here with you.” She kisses me one more time before walking into the house and closing the door behind her. The porch light turns off while I make the lonely way down the steps to the van.

  Chapter 6

  When the wheels of the airplane skid to a stop on the runway, my heart plummets thinking my time with Kailey is officially over. Although, I persuaded her this morning to keep seeing me after we return to Western, she put stipulations on it. Weekends only is her rule. When I squeeze her hand before the pilot announces we can unbuckle our seatbelts, I already know, I need her to break that rule. We file out of the plane and walk down to baggage claim. The whole time, I’m just a zombie going through the motions. I hold her hand, grab her bag and kiss her on the head a few times. Depression is beginning to take root in me with the thought that I won’t be seeing her every night.

  The gang says goodbye to Kailey by the baggage claim and sit down on the benches to wait for me. Taking her hand in mine again, we make our way to the arrival pickup area. “I’ll call you,” she says. For some reason it sounds more like a line, making me question her truthfulness.

  “Sounds good,” I attempt to be aloof about the whole situation when in reality my insides are twisting and turning in despair. “Kailey—” I’m about to plead with her again when a red mini-van comes to a halt in front of us.

  A man in his early thirties with dirty blond hair and scruffy face rushes out. He’s a lanky guy, but I could see where girls probably find him attractive in that schoolboy crush kind of way.

  “Hey, Kailey,” he sounds exhausted and when the door of the van opens, I quickly find out why.

  “Aunt Kailey!” a little girl screams out the door. If the girl doesn’t appear to be enough, I spot two other occupied car seats in the van. A blonde girl and a baby with a bottle are calling for her attention as well. Shit, this guy has his hands full.

  “Hi, Caden,” Kailey says, walking up to the van. “Hiya, gals and guy,” she says into the van, tickling the oldest girl. “I missed you.” There’s sadness in her voice.

  I take her bag to the back of the van, where Caden is standing with the tailgate open. “Hi, I’m her brother-in-law, Caden,” he introduces himself, holding his hand out to me.

  I quickly shake it. “I’m Trey,” I say, and he smirks up at me.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard about you.” He chuckles. At the look of surprise on my face, he adds, “News travels fast in this family.” He pats me on the back. “Nice to meet you, but we really need to get going.”

  “Nice to meet you too.” I stand there wondering why anyone in her family would know my name.

  “Don’t be too flattered, Uncle Clyde is like a little biddy sometimes.” She laughs.

  “I can see that,” I lie, knowing Holly must be the party guilty for spreading the news.

  “Well, I have to get going. Thanks for this week, Trey. I’ve had fun.” Her voice shakes, and I know deep down she doesn’t want the finality her mouth is currently speaking.

  “Call, or text, me tonight,” I ask, and she nod
s her head. One of the kids starts screaming, and she steps back, but I’m not about to let her go without tasting her. It might be my last time.

  Grasping her arm, I pull her toward me and crash my lips against hers the second she lands into my arms. I don’t wait for her permission, but nudge my tongue through her parted lips, tasting that sweet ginger ale she had on the plane. She sinks into my arms, and I hold her upright, allowing my tongue to explore her mouth in the tenderness she deserves. “Don’t forget,” I remind her to call me when I’m done showing her why she should. She nods, backing up to the van.

  When she opens the front passenger door up, the girls’ laughter floats out. Caden chuckles to himself as I hear the oldest saying, “Kailey has a boyfriend—” Kailey shakes her head, smiling over at me. Right before she shuts the door, she turns around and tells them, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  Watching the van pull into the line of traffic, I refuse to blink for fear she was all a dream. Too fast for my liking it disappears from my sight. “Not yet, little girl, but I’ll be her boyfriend soon enough,” I whisper to myself.

  The looks of sorrow on my friends faces when I come back into the building is enough to make someone want to drown in a bottle of Jack, but then again, maybe that’s just me. Ignoring four of them, I concentrate on Dex, the only one who doesn’t look like my dog just got ran over. We lead the way to the cars in silence, and I remain quiet for the whole ride home. I want to punch myself in the face over the way I’m checking my phone constantly, like some lovesick teenage girl.

  After two hours and still no word, not even a god damn text back from the one I sent to her, my mind starts going crazy. I lay in my bed, mindlessly tossing a baseball in the air with the hopeless attempt to calm my mind. I shouldn’t be this insane over a fucking girl. When ball tossing—baseball tossing, that is—doesn’t work, I pull out the picture from my nightstand, and my body calms slightly. I imagine how different my life might have been, how I would’ve never met Kailey, or any of my friends, for that matter. God knows where I’d be right now. But one thing’s for sure, I wouldn’t be wallowing in my own self-pity over a girl. Isn’t that what I swore to myself? I would never do this again.

  Knowing I need to pry my ass out of my bed, I head next door to Bridgett’s house. I’m in dire need for a cigarette to calm these damn nerves.

  When she opens the door, she rolls her eyes and walks back to the couch, leaving the door open. Shit, I forgot how we left things before Colorado. “What’s up?” I ask, trying to sound casual, as though I don’t remember how I fucked her childhood friend when she came up to visit.

  “Still trying to dislodge that knife out of my back,” she remarks, lighting up a cigarette. Her blonde hair is thrown up in a messy bun, and she’s wearing tight sweatpants displaying every curve of her body. Not to mention her visible nipples poking out of her t-shirt. If I wasn’t so hung up on Kailey, I would’ve already had her against the wall.

  “Do you mind?” I hold up her pack of Marlboros, and she shakes her head. Lighting the cigarette, I lean back on the couch, the same one I’ve taken her on more times than I can count. “I’m sorry, Bridg,” I tell her, and she nods again, concentrating on the television.

  “I should’ve known better than to try to change you,” she chimes in. “Not sure why I thought I was any different than everyone else.” I hadn’t realized her feelings were so involved, I thought we were just having a good time. I guess in my mind, we were using each other, but she had a different perspective. “How was Colorado?” she asks.

  “Good, you know just snow, slopes, and alcohol. Can’t go wrong.” I get up, stealing another cigarette and tucking it behind my ear before walking to the door. “Thanks for the smoke. You coming to the show on Friday?” Not sure why I would ask her to the same show I plan on begging Kailey to attend. I feel bad for unintentionally hurting her feelings is my best guess.

  “I don’t know, we’ll see,” she says and shrugs her shoulders.

  “I really am sorry,” I tell her again in the feeblest attempt to correct my stupidity.

  “Don’t lose sleep over it—not like you would,” she sneers.

  Releasing a huff at the drama of this situation, I nod and leave the house, shutting the door behind me. Fuck, I should have listened to Rob when he told me not to screw in the neighborhood. ‘Those girls will stalk you, and they’ll appear right when you’re screwing someone else.’ Of course, this was different. I fucked her friend on her couch while she was passed out in the bathroom. And who would have ever thought I would regret not taking advice from fucking Rob of all people. That’s just wrong in so many ways.

  Speaking of Rob, when I get back in the house it’s his voice coming from his bedroom. The fucker is singing some cheesy ass song. What an asshole, I think to myself. If Jessa falls for his shit, I’m gonna knock her out. Not wanting to hear his voice anymore, I go back down the stairs, to the front porch.

  Leaning against the railing, I think about what I should do. Drink is the first thing to cross my mind, but I don’t want to continue this habit of drinking by myself. Lighting the second cigarette, I contemplate my options, wishing seeing Kailey could be one of them. Then Jessa escapes the house and Rob. I can’t help but laugh at the antics he just pulled on her.

  I coax her into going to The Loft, and she readily agrees. I’m not sure what’s up with her and Grant after Rob’s sudden return, but I’ll wait until she’s ready to talk about it. Once we get into the dingy college bar, I grab us a booth, which isn’t hard to find, and I make my way to Pete stationed at the bar. I chat with Pete while he pours two shots of Jack and two beers.

  Grabbing the tray from Pete, I squeeze past a girl leaning against the bar next to me. Jessa’s raised eyebrows when I reach the table makes me curious, but instead of asking I pick up my phone. Nothing. She and I talk for a while about me and Kailey. Yada yada yada is all I hear coming out of Jessa’s mouth. Telling me to relax, that I’ve only known her a week; all valid points, which I don’t give a shit about. You’d think someone who just fell head over heels for someone in what—less than four months—would understand falling fast.

  Finishing my beer, my eyes scan the local bar, recalling all my escapades in every corner and booth in the place. Then my eyes trace back to a brunette displaying fuck me eyes at ten o’clock. She bats her eyelashes and shifts her legs as I remain focused only on her. Jessa’s talking, but I don’t hear her. I follow suit when the brunette stands. Jessa rests her hand on my arm. “You’ll regret it,” she warns. I’m about to agree and leave with her when my phone buzzes in my pocket.

  Digging it out as fast as my hands allow, Kailey’s name flashes across it. A text in response to one of mine.

  Kailey: I just don’t have time for anyone else right now.

  “Fuck it. See you, J-doll. Give my best to the hubby.” I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek, and then swagger over to the hot brunette. Cozying into the booth next to her, I wrap my arm around her slender shoulders, never looking back at Jessa.

  “Hey, I’m Trey,” I introduce myself in an arrogance tone. The girls always like that.

  “I’m Amanda,” she says, and her hand instantly rests on my thigh. This might be the easiest lay I’ve ever had.

  “Can I get you a drink?” I ask her, and she rakes her manicured nails across my jeans.

  “Sure, you can get whatever you and your girlfriend were having,” she smiles and adjusts her tight top. My eyes appreciate the view of the swell of her tits.

  “That wasn’t my girlfriend,” I assure her, standing up to grab some drinks.

  I wait for Pete to get me another shot of Jack and a girly Lemon Drop for her. He leans in close, handing me my change. “You know I’m usually all for ya having fun, Trey, but you seem like something’s bothering you,” he softly tells me.

  “Thanks for the concern, Pete, but all’s good,” I assure him.

  “Okay, but if you need to talk. You know where to find me.” He wa
lks down the bar to help someone else, and I absorb his words before going back over.

  This time when I get in the booth, I sit on the opposite side of her. She sips her shot as I down mine. “Do you want to go back to my place?” she asks, and I stare at her, realizing she’s a little older than myself. Not that it’s a deal breaker, but she’s just a shitty replacement for the one I really want. The fact they’re both brunette is the only thing they have in common.

  “Nah, sorry, but I gotta hit it.” Knowing this isn’t the place for me, I slide out of the booth. “It was nice meeting you, Amanda.” I wave my hand, and then give a thumbs up to Pete before I leave the bar.

  Three days go by and no word from Kailey. This girl has me so tightly wound I can barely stay away from the smokes. The snow has melted and the spring rain has replaced it, making the grass soggy and the sidewalks slippery. I trudge up the hill to Kent Hall for my Introduction to Photography class. It’s a popular undergraduate class and one of my rare classes held in a lecture hall instead of the small interactive classrooms of upper classman.

  Nodding my head and giving a ‘What’s up?’ to most of the other students walking by on my way across campus. I file into the room and take my usual seat. Shit, I forgot I was supposed to be taking pictures during spring break for that midterm project. I’ll have to get that done tonight. I haven’t worked my ass off for nothing these past few years to not graduate because of a photography class.

  My head turns with the sound of Professor Hodges deep voice wishing the hall good morning. My mouth goes dry when I find her sitting on the opposite side, talking with another girl. Her eyes land on mine instantly and her cheeks flush. The redhead she’s talking to turns around to find out what has Kailey so flustered. When she finds it’s me, she rolls her eyes and turns her back to me. What the hell did I do to her? Crap, did I?

  Professor Hodges, flips on his computer and brings down the projector screen. Our eyes stay fixated on one another until the lights go out. While the teacher’s assistant flips from slide to slide, and Hodges points out angles, corners, and dimensions, my mind continues to focus on her. Why hadn’t she told me we were in a class together? What the hell is she hiding? And what the hell keeps her so god damn busy?