“Tell me about it. So you can see why I would feel guilty.” I closed my eyes and tried to relax while he used the pads of his thumbs to rub in circular motions down the length of my back.
“But it’s more than that,” I continued. “When I imagine her in any of those situations, alone and frightened, I feel a pain in my gut, and it makes me want to double over in agony. How could this have been happening to her while I was living a perfect life, not far away? I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back and tell my parents that she was out there in the world, and in trouble. They would have rescued her, without a doubt. I hate that we didn’t know. It makes me want to sue the crap out of someone.”
“Too bad the agency went bankrupt,” he said.
“Yeah.”
His hands moved up to my shoulders. “So where do you go from here?”
“I’ll ask my parents to come for a visit,” I replied, “and start making up for lost time.”
I believed, in that moment, with every fibre of my being, that it was right thing to do. It may surprise you to learn that I still believe it today, despite what happened later.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Nadia
HAVE YOU EVER wondered how many degrees of loneliness there are? I’m sure you must understand what I’m talking about. Surely everyone has experienced some form of loneliness in their life, whether it’s temporary and fleeting, or painful and on-going.
Maybe your husband went on a business trip, and you felt lonely in your empty bed. Or maybe your best friend moved away and you were devastated; you missed her terribly, and you were certain your loneliness would never go away.
I’ve experienced varying degrees and intensities of loneliness in my life. Much of it takes me back to my childhood, when my parents argued and my father left, and I never saw him again. I spent a lot of time alone when my mother worked long hours, and I was never sure that she wouldn’t leave some day, too. I felt very much alone in those situations, and I became accustomed to it, because it was ever-present.
It goes without saying that no child should ever be without a loving family, but sometimes it simply can’t be helped. We can’t all grow up in a perfect world. Sometimes a child has to learn how to be independent, self-sufficient, and tough – on the inside and out. I believe I learned that early on, but in the process, I learned other things, too, like how to keep people at a distance. How to keep from caring too much and to rely only on myself.
These were things I would eventually have to unlearn. But first, I had to hit rock bottom, and experience loneliness from a whole new perspective.
As I rode the subway to meet Diana’s family and potential future husband for the first time, I marveled at the fact that I was not nervous. To the contrary, I felt hopeful and excited, which is a far cry from my initial reaction when I opened and read Diana’s letter at my desk on that fateful rainy day.
My first reaction had been anger. I was jealous of the life that had been handed to her and not to me. But our dinner together had somehow wiped that away. By the end of that night, my animosity vanished, for I experienced something profound – something I’d never experienced before. I’m not even sure how to explain it.
My mother, on her deathbed, told me she loved me, and I believe with all my heart that she did. In spite of all her failings, I knew she tried her best, and I loved her for sticking around all those years.
My first meeting with Diana, however, introduced me to something new. What I felt for my twin – in the first instant when we embraced – was a connection few people in the world can ever truly comprehend. It was a different kind of love. Though we had spent our lives apart and were virtual strangers, by the end of the evening, my eyes were wide open, and I realized that she was the missing link to everything. She was the answer to all my questions about my purpose in the world. Suddenly I had a true sense of self. I knew exactly who I was.
Diana was everything I ever wanted to be, but never believed I could be – because I wasn’t smart enough, lucky enough, or pretty enough. When I met her and saw myself in her, I began to feel inspired.
This is what I am capable of. That’s what I told myself. I admired her confidence and all the outer details that were so damn impressive.
I went home that night, amazed by the fact that we were so much the same. The only difference was our financial circumstances and our life experiences, but weren’t those things external? That had nothing to do with my genetics. Or my soul. The past was finished now. The future was mine to make of it whatever I wanted.
Diana may have benefited from a higher education and social connections, but my experience had taught me how to be tough, and how to survive. Mine was not a cushy life, so at least in that department, I was ahead of her. I knew a certain breed of hardship that she knew nothing about.
Please don’t think I was riding high or feeling arrogant because Diana’s family was rich and powerful, and I considered them to be my free ticket to the easy life. That was the last thing on my mind when I rode the elevator up to her condo on the twenty-seventh floor.
What mattered to me most was that I would meet her family, people who would become my family as well. Diana had made it clear that her parents wanted to get to know me. They loved her, and I would share in that love.
This meant I would no longer be alone. I had lost both my parents and I had no siblings, but now I would be part of a family. A real one.
As the elevator doors opened and I stepped off, I paused briefly in the corridor, because my heart was overflowing with gratitude. My eyes filled with moisture.
What an incredible turn of luck this was. It was like a second chance at life. I prayed that it would hold, and nothing would happen to screw it up.
Chapter Twenty-eight
WHEN I RAISED my fist to knock on Diana’s door – that’s when the nerves kicked in.
What if they didn’t like me? What if Diana had glossed over the truth – that her family was, in actuality, a tight band of hoity-toity snobs, and as soon as they discovered my parents were blue-collar workers, they would be horrified and concerned for their high-class daughter’s welfare.
I paused and took a deep breath. Then I knocked.
A few seconds later, the door opened, and I found myself standing in front of a mirror. A mirror that smiled back at me.
Most of my anxiety drained away, and I felt a burst of euphoria. I hate to use the word infatuated, but that is the only one that comes to mind. It’s a fairly accurate description of my emotions in that moment.
My twin. The other half of me. And she was so beautiful.
Was this real?
Perhaps the best part was that she stared back at me with matched joy and fascination, as if she had been counting the minutes until we could see each other again. Her eyes glistened, and I could have wept.
“Hi,” she said almost breathlessly, and it seemed private, meant only for me. “I’m so glad you’re here.” She gave me a quick hug in the entrance hall.
Thank goodness I’d texted her earlier about what I should wear. She told me she was wearing jeans, so I wore jeans as well. I made an effort to class up my appearance with a pale blue blouse that looked like silk, but was actually a very nice synthetic.
As I entered the apartment, I was overwhelmed by the spectacular view of the cityscape beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows, and the sleek contemporary décor, but then Diana’s parents stepped into view from the kitchen.
Her mother, Sandra, was slim and blonde with blue eyes and high cheekbones, and her father, Gerald, was even more attractive in person than he was in pictures and on television. He, too, was slim and fit. His hair was thick and dark with a distinguished hint of gray. They were an attractive couple, and when they greeted me, it was with genuine warmth and openness.
“We’re so happy to meet you,” Mrs. Moore said, holding out her hand to shake mine.
I was relieved she didn’t move to hug me, because that would have been too much too soon.
A handshake was a good choice.
The senator held out his hand also. “Hi Nadia,” he said, “I’m Gerry.”
His casual hello eased my mind about the hoity-toity snob issue, and I felt my shoulders relax.
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
“Come on in.” Diana led me into the living room, and again, I was distracted by the view. “What can I get you to drink? How about a Bud Light?”
I glanced at Mrs. Moore, who was holding a glass of white wine.
“I’ll have what your mom’s having,” I replied.
“Sure.” Without missing a beat, Diana went into the kitchen.
“Let’s all have a seat,” Mrs. Moore suggested, gesturing to the black leather sofa and facing chairs.
We all sat down, and the conversation flowed naturally, which taught me a thing or two about high-level social skills. I was proud of myself for catching on as quickly as I did.
“This is quite something, isn’t it?” Mrs. Moore said. “We couldn’t believe it when Diana told us about you. I’m still in shock. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for the two of you to learn about each other, and then make contact.”
“It was definitely a shocker,” I replied. “It took me a while to absorb everything.”
Diana arrived with my glass of wine. I took it out of her hands, and gulped a mouthful.
“Nadia was at work when she read my letter,” Diana explained. She sat down and touched my arm, looked me in the eye. “I should probably send an apology to your boss, because I doubt you were at the top of your game for the rest of the day.”
“You definitely should.” We all laughed, and I took another sip of wine.
“Diana also tells us you grew up in Washington,” Mrs. Moore added. “It’s odd, how we were so close to each other, but didn’t know it.”
“It has to make you wonder about fate,” Senator Moore said. “Maybe you were always meant to cross paths. I only wish it could have happened sooner.”
“So do I.” Diana’s gaze locked with her father’s.
In that moment, I saw, in his eyes, a look of apology and regret. It was impossible not to recognize the depth of their attachment.
He was an ambitious man who wanted to give his daughter everything, but in this instance, he had failed. He had not known his little girl lost a sister on the day she was born – a sister who could have been restored to her if they’d been informed.
The door opened just then, interrupting my brief moment of reflection.
Diana’s mood lifted. “Rick!” She stood and moved to greet her future fiancé at the door. “I’m so glad you’re back, and you brought dinner. Come on in. You have to meet someone.”
He set a large plastic bag full of live lobsters on the kitchen counter, then followed Diana into the living room.
As he stood before me, I found it a challenge not to stare, because he was the most attractive man I’d ever seen in my life. I had the same reaction when he walked into my office the other day and asked for directions to the restroom.
Broad-shouldered and charismatic, with wavy dark hair and a pair of expressive blue eyes, he had the overwhelming presence of a movie star. I felt as if I’d been shot out of a cannon into some kind of fantasy world on prime time television. Were these people even human? They seemed too perfect to be real.
My sister had definitely scored a home run with this guy. I could barely catch my breath.
Chapter Twenty-nine
“WOW.” RICK LEANED forward and shook my hand. “Amazing. You two look exactly alike. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” I replied, lowering my hand to my lap.
“Though it’s not really the first time we’ve met,” he reminded me. “Diana must have told you about my reconnaissance mission into your office.”
“Yes,” I replied with a chuckle. “I remember you.”
“Rick, what would you like to drink?” Diana asked him.
“Whatever’s open,” he replied.
He turned to greet the senator and Mrs. Moore, while I sat quietly, feeling shy all of a sudden, like an outsider. They chatted about the flight from Washington.
When Diana returned from the kitchen with Rick’s wine, handed it to him, and sat down next to me, I was relieved.
“How are you doing?” she quietly asked me.
“I’m fine,” I assured her.
“I hope you’re not allergic to shellfish,” she said. “I’m not, so I assumed you weren’t either.”
“No,” I replied in a light tone, “but I’ve never had lobster before. Except in chowders and casseroles.”
“Really? Well, you’re in for a treat then.”
We smiled at each other, and I realized I was entering into a new phase of my life – a phase full of novel experiences that would change the person I was.
The lobster turned out to be delicious, but it wasn’t easy to crack the shell. I didn’t know where to start. Thankfully, Diana sat beside me, and she was very discreet as she showed me what to do.
Chapter Thirty
OVER THE NEXT three months, the speed and depth of my relationship with my twin grew at an exponential pace. Diana and I spoke on the phone at least once a day and exchanged emails and texts constantly, to share even our most trivial thoughts. We met for lunch whenever our schedules allowed it, and she invited me for dinner every weekend.
She and Rick took me to movies and ball games, introduced me to their friends, and invited me to parties and clubs. It wasn’t easy at first, because I didn’t feel I fit into their world – and I certainly couldn’t afford a twelve-dollar drink at the places they frequented – but they were quick to make me feel at ease. They had a way of effortlessly inviting me into conversations, and one of them was always quick to whip out a gold credit card and take care of the bill.
Diana and I soon became a novelty among her friends and co-workers. People were fascinated by my existence, and wanted to know every last detail about how we found each other and what it was like to see our exact likeness in another person.
On one particular night, over dinner at a restaurant with a few other couples, Diana said, “I just hope Oprah doesn’t come calling.”
“It’s bound to happen,” one of her friends said. “Especially considering your dad’s popularity right now. I’m amazed you’ve kept Nadia a secret this long.”
Diana sat back and turned to me. “What would we do? What if someone approached us to write a book or something?”
“A book,” Rick said with a nod, holding up his wine glass and pointing at her. “You guys should consider that. You could make a fortune.”
Diana and I gazed at each other for a moment. It felt as if we were reading each other’s thoughts.
“I think it would be interesting from a scientific point of view,” I said.
“Yes,” Diana agreed, “it could attempt to answer questions about how much of a role genetics plays in the development of a person... versus their environment and how they were raised.” She paused and our eyes remained fixed on each other’s. “But I’m not sure we’d want to open ourselves up like that,” she added.
“I’m not sure either,” I agreed, because the circumstances of my life up until that point weren’t exactly things I wanted to share. I imagined that people would compare me to Diana, and judge me accordingly.
“Yes,” they would say, “this definitely proves environment plays a large role, because look how Nadia turned out, versus how Diana turned out.”
The waiter brought our desserts just then, which was a welcome interruption, because I didn’t feel like explaining my insecurities to the others.
I picked up my dessert fork and was about to dig into my caramel topped cheesecake.
Rick, who sat beside me, leaned a little closer. “I’m sorry about that,” he quietly said. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.”
I glanced up at him. “It’s fine,” I replied. “You didn’t.”
He gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze before he tapped and cracked the sugary shell of his Crème Brûlée.
Chapter Thirty-one
“SO TELL ME everything you know about him,” Diana said to me one evening as we sat on the sofa in her living room.
“He’s a financial consultant,” I replied, “and Bob said he’s a fun guy. That’s all I know.”
Rick poked his head out from the computer alcove around the corner. “Who’s Bob?”
“A guy I work with,” I told him. “He’s new.”
Diana piped in to explain further. “Bob set Nadia up on a blind date, and they’re going out for dinner tomorrow night.”
Rick stood and moved into the kitchen to refill his water bottle. He’d just come from the gym and was still wearing his shorts and T-shirt. “A financial consultant, eh? I don’t know about that...”
Diana chuckled. “What do you mean? What do you have against financial consultants?”
“Nothing at all,” he replied, tipping his water bottle up to take a swig. “Where’s he taking you?”
“I’m not sure yet. Somewhere nice I hope. He’s picking me up at 7:00.”
“On a school night,” Rick said. “Don’t stay out too late.”
Diana waved a dismissive hand at him, and he went back to his chair at the computer.
“So what are you going to wear?” she asked me.
“I don’t know yet.”
“Want to check out my closet? You can borrow anything you like.”
I smiled at her. “That would be so great.”
We both rose from the sofa to go into her bedroom, and she gave Rick a kiss on the cheek as we passed by.
Strangely enough, my blind date’s name was Richard, which made me wonder if I was living in some sort of parallel universe. When he buzzed my apartment, I told him I’d be right down, and as I descended the steps, I tried to imagine what I would do if he turned out to be Rick’s doppelganger as well, and Diana and I were about to become twin couples.
The Color of Heaven Series [03] The Color of Hope Page 7