He put up his hand and I moved closer so that he could put his arm around me. Together, we laid back into the sand and gazed upon the twinkling sky.
“I love you, Ana.”
I turned to look at him.
He grinned. “It just occurred to me that I’ve never said that to you before.”
“Never?” I asked, surprised.
“Well, not as Ana. I’ve said it a million times to the other versions of you.”
“You know that I love you Tristan. It’s not even fair how much I love you.”
“Then let’s run away together,” he followed. “Your mother’s going to be fine. She knows about me. Your grandmother might be a little hurt, but at least she has your mother now. Besides, it won’t be a permanent vacation. Just for a year or so.”
“Why just a year?” I asked.
“You don’t ever want to see your family?” He laughed and I felt embarrassed. So he had considered how much I’d miss my family and friends this time. “Duh,” I thought to myself, this wasn’t the first time he’d whisked me away. Plus, I’d just had the dream to confirm it.
“Let’s just concentrate on how amazing this next year’s going to be,” he continued. “We’re taking the world by storm. It’s going to be non-stop. Let’s leave tonight.”
“You’re—You’re serious?”
“Of course I am.”
I sat up and stared out at the ocean. Nervous excitement tap-danced across my skin. “Then I’ll run away with you. High school’s overrated anyway.”
His entire face lit up.
“It’ll be different this time,” he said next, his tone changing. “You’re an heir. Everyone will know you’re gone. Witches and warlocks the world over will be searching for you. And it won’t be like those years you spent running with your mother, either. They knew where you were then. It might be impossible, but I want to at least try this time.”
“Me too. Being with you just feels right. I mean, what are the odds that out of an entire world of people we can just find each other like we do? That’s got to be fate and it’s wonderful, and when I look at you, I lose myself in how beautiful you are, and you’re so perfect sometimes that it doesn’t feel real, but I know that it is, I feel it, and then I think that somehow I’m not enough, because I don’t really remember how to be the girl you fell in love with, and—“
“Ana,” he said, leaning up so that our eyes were only inches apart. “Be quiet and kiss me.”
Laughing at my own babbling, I did.
He continued to kiss me and the moment was so perfect, our future so clear, that I needed to know it would always be like this. That my getting my memories back wouldn’t mess things up. But no more being sneaky about it. I pulled away from him.
“This time I have a condition,” I said softly.
He chuckled. “And what could that possibly be?”
I took a deep breath. “That you tell me what keeps this from being the fairytale I keep wishing for it to be. I will follow you around the world, and we can have forever, but I have to know—“
“What did you just say?”
“I’m saying I wanna know what the “bad thing” is. I don’t remember the person I used to be. I don’t want to repeat her mistakes—”
He shook his head. “You said “and we can have forever.” You don’t talk like that, Ana.”
I knew immediately where those words had come from—my first memory. Looking into his eyes now, I knew I couldn’t lie to him—or even skirt around the truth. “I’ve been getting memories.”
He jumped to his feet. “And you weren’t going to tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to leave. You made me promise not to get them back. I thought that if you knew, you’d disappear. You have to know that would kill me Tristan.”
He shook his head. “Don’t talk like that. You sound just like Aleksandra. Don’t you see? It’s happening already. Once you get enough of your memories back, then you’ll be her again, and you won’t want to settle for this. You’ll want forever to continue, but it can’t. When it comes time for us to part, you won’t want to.”
“What? Wait. Why do we have to part? What aren’t you telling me—”
He’d looked at me, his eyes so full of sorrow the words had caught in my throat.
“Finally, you had a real chance of doing what you were meant to do and I’ve messed everything up. If only I’d been strong to stay away from you…”
“Tristan! Please, talk to me! You aren’t making any sense.”
“I can see that I’ve just been kidding myself into thinking that just because you didn’t remember, you’d be different. That things would turn out differently.” He looked up at me again, this time with anger. “You say that my leaving would kill you? You don’t even remember why you love me! And you’re still too attached! Ana, this is where forever ends. Every time you come back, you’re taking the place of someone who’ll never get the chance to live. Can’t you see how desperate you had to have been to have stolen your niece’s life? The person she was meant to be will never exist now because you’ve robbed her of her existence. Losing your memories was a gift; I could fall in love with the girl I saw in that field all over again. Not the monster you became as Aleksandra—“
“Leave her alone!” London shouted, suddenly there with us. “If you’re so angry at what Aleksandra did, then tell her why she did it. Tell her what makes her so desperate to come back Tristan. Tell her or I will.”
I was destroyed. The things he’d accused me of? Could I really have done that to someone? My own family? There was so much pain in Tristan’s eyes, such regret that I knew he hated himself right now. But his regret didn’t make them untrue.
“Tell her Tristan,” London said again.
He hadn’t turned his head; he was still looking into my eyes. I could feel his remorse reverberating in my own soul. “I’m so sorry Ana. This isn’t your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. I won’t fail you, not again.” He turned to look at London. “And you shouldn’t either.” Then he was gone. Once again he’d left me, and I sat there, hurting and confused.
I’m not sure what happened next. Just that, eventually I found myself in the midst of another memory.
We were standing in my bedroom. I’d taken the time to pull back and tie down the curtain over the glassed wall before he arrived. Tonight needed to be perfect. I loved how he looked when bathed in moonlight. His pale skin had a glow. Had this been any other night, he’d have already pulled me close, kissed me. But not tonight.
“Aleksandra…” he said. He didn’t need to say any more than that for me to know what he was asking. We’d been through this so many times already, words weren’t necessary anymore. He’d only said my name to let me know that he was upset. It was the only time he addressed me by my first name.
His piercing green eyes stared into mine, willing me to change my mind. With his right hand, he closed the distance between us, moving it slowly upwards until his fingertips caressed my cheek.
Staring into his eyes, I knew he could hear how fast my heart was beating. My eyes fell, it was difficult for me to hold his gaze when he looked at me like that. And his touch...
I couldn’t back down now. I decided to put on a good face for him, a brave face. “It’s almost time, Tristan.”
His entire body tensed. “Please,” he pleaded with a whisper. His eyes filled with worry.
“Don’t be afraid,” I told him. “I’m not.” It was as blatant an untruth as I’ve ever told.
And he knew it. “You’re lying,” he replied.
Again my eyes retreated downward, my breaths becoming heavy. He knew how badly I wanted this—how much I’ve craved for a real eternity with him. How long had I waited for this moment? I was ready. He had to make me one of them. End of story.
He lifted up my chin, bringing my eyes to his again. “Lexy, please, don’t ask this of me.”
I leaned over and put my lips to his, but he jerked away from me. Ther
e was fire in his eyes now.
“No,” he nearly shouted. “I won’t do this to you.”
“P-please,” I whispered.
I touched my lips to his once more and his resistance faded. I wanted him to feel me—my lips, my passion, my longing to be with him. I kissed his cheek, his neck. His hands moved to stop me.
“I can’t do this,” he said again.
“This is our only chance, Tristan. If you won’t do this for me, then how can you say you love me?”
My questioning his love made him think. But this was taking too long, my own fear was getting the best of me now, I was shaking…
“Do it!” I shouted at him, fearing I’d lose my nerve.
His lips parted and his teeth sank deep into my flesh. The world began to blur, but I managed to find his eyes, those beautiful green eyes suddenly filled with regret. He called to me, apologizing, but this wasn’t his fault. As my lifetimes stretched out before my eyes, it’s so obvious how idiotic I’ve been. For one glorious moment I felt my life returning, but it stopped, the world fading to black as I slipped into the oblivion of death.
“Please, let there be a next time…”
I woke with a start. The frightening reality of the memory I’d just had was temporarily muted by the unsettling realization that I had no idea where I was. Just that I was on someone’s couch. Leaning up, I discovered that someone had placed a blanket over my legs. It might have been some comfort had I not taken a look at my surroundings.
It was a strange living room that enclosed me, with picture frames covering every wall and every surface. Each frame had a child’s face inside it, and their varying complexions formed a human rainbow. It was almost eerie how much the room resembled Tristan’s cabin. Except, this room wasn’t empty. A shabby, badly scratched table sat at the center of the small room, flanked by a faded red sofa and the brown leather loveseat I was on. A floor model television set took up the opposite wall, waffling between what looked like “The Price is Right” and fuzz.
“Oh good,” said a very old woman shuffling into the room. “Now I can turn on my radio.” Her skin was brown and creased, and I followed her with my eyes as she hobbled past me into the kitchen. What sounded like a bad soap opera filled the room and she reappeared, plopping down onto the faded sofa.
“Where am I?” I asked, not a full second after she’d taken a seat.
“Heaven.”
“Huh?”
She let out a hearty laugh. “Just messin’ with you. London dropped you off here last night. You was in some bad shape, child. Mutterin’ and carryin’ on. I knew you was comin’ so I went ahead and laid out a blanket and pillow for you. Got some water boilin’ for some hot chocolate in the kitchen. Now, that’s still your favorite ain’t it?”
“Um yeah, but how did you know? And how do you know London?”
“I sorta have this annoyin’ habit of knowin’ things I shouldn’t know, seein’ things that ain’t happened yet. As for London, I helped her understand her gift when she was havin’ a tough time understandin’ herself. Never imagined she’d be steppin’ out with a vampire, though. Hmph, but with a face like that, I reckon he could be a male mermaid and I wouldn’t care! Honey, I’d be runnin’ to get my scuba gear!”
She was laughing again, and now, so was I.
“You’re a conjurer too, aren’t you?” I didn’t imagine that “seeing into the future” fell into the category of being “naturally possible.”
“That’s what most witches’ll call me,” she replied. “I don’t see myself as being any different than they are—we all been blessed with magick. Your grandmother has allowed me to remain a part of the community so long as I keep my mouth shut about what I can do. Wasn’t always like that though, not ‘til Aleksandra was born. Now she even lets me attend a few of her functions.”
Her words helped me to remember her. “You were at my welcome party,” I exclaimed, “with the Elder Witches!”
“Was waitin’ on you to remember.” She smiled.
“Does my—“
“Got off the phone with your mother ‘bout an hour ago. She knows where you are.”
“You know her too?”
She laughed again. “A lot of folk knows me, though you won’t catch too many admittin’ it. Most just stop by when they need some advice, or a different perspective on things. Your mother was with you when you came by here last. Course, you had a different name then.”
I was strangely unsurprised by this revelation. “Then, you know about me,” I sighed. “About what I did.”
She raised an eyebrow. “And what was that?”
It took me a moment to be able to say the words aloud. “I’m not supposed to be alive. I stole someone’s chance to live.”
That really made her laugh. “Child, I think you give yourself too much credit. Ain’t nothin’ on this here earth that ain’t supposed to be.”
“But he said…“
“I knows what he said. But if you’re here, and I’m fairly certain you are, then it’s ‘cause you was meant to be. From the beginning of time, you was meant to be right here, right now. Now I’m sure they told you that when you’re castin’ a spell, that you’re tellin’ nature what to do. But what you’re really doin’ is askin’. Witches get confused because the answer is most always yes, and maybe as conjurers, we get a yes when others won’t, but that don’t change the fact that it’s still asking. Gonna knock your socks off the first time you try a spell and the answer’s no. You ain’t steal nobody’s soul. That is somethin’ beyond anythin’ a witch, or a conjurer can do. You can certainly ask, but I promise you the answer’s gonna be “no” every time. Nah, you asked the same thing you asked for in every lifetime before, more time. And ‘cause you was meant to have it, you got a yes. The “how” ain’t up to you.”
“Then I’m not evil? Duncan said—“
“I knows what Duncan said too.” She shook her head. “Why is it anytime somethin’s different, it’s automatically wrong? That single principle has caused more suffering and tragedy than any other in the history of the world. It’s our actions that make us good or evil, Ana. Nothin’ more, nothin’ less. I’ve used my “sight” to win the lottery six times, and spent every dime betterin’ the lives of children the world over. When my times comes, and people want to say this or that about what I mighta’ been, I’d like to think there are few people,” she said gesturing to the walls of children, “who know different.”
I glanced up at the walls and was reminded of Tristan’s cabin again. “But then, why would Tristan just assume the worst of me? And what did he mean when he said that he wouldn’t fail me?”
She shrugged. “Maybe he’s the one that’s gotten desperate. It can’t be easy to watch the one you love die over and over again. That’s got to take a toll on you at some point. I know he loves you more than anythin’ and he’s doin’ his best to keep you on your path this time. Thing is, he can’t walk it with you, not for very long anyway. In the past, he’s tried to point you to where you needed to go. But you don’t go, do you? You wanna follow him into the woods. So this time, he’s gonna try and walk it for you. By keeping his secret, you’ll have no choice but to keep straight. You stray from that path this time, and you won’t find your way back.”
My mind was twisting. “What does that mean?”
She shrugged. “Sometimes I can see the puzzle, sometimes I can only see the pieces. In your case it’s the latter.”
I sighed disappointedly. None of this made any sense to me.
“It’s a new life, Ana,” she followed. “Maybe it’s time for a new love.”
That caught me off guard. “Darren?”
“You said it, not me,” she chuckled. “Anyway, that’s for you to decide. Oh, to be young again.”
A knock came on the door.
“Be a doll and get the door for my grandbaby.”
“You saw him coming?”
She laughed. “More like my daughter called and asked if I could bab
ysit. Big party tonight, I hear.”
I moved down the skinny hallway to her front door. When I opened it, I found Dr. Roberts staring back at me. He was holding a toddler in his arms.
“Ana?”
Seeing him made it click in my mind. “She’s the woman who called the other day, isn’t she? She’s your mother-in-law?”
“She is. She didn’t tell you?”
“Never got around to it,” she said from behind me. “Go on and run the girl home. We both know my daughter ain’t gonna be back from that mall no time soon—don’t need “sight” for that either,” she laughed. “This girl’s got a game to get to tonight.”
Dr. Roberts seemed a little confused but nodded that he’d take me home.
Stepping outside, I wondered what else the woman might know. “Wait. Is there anything else you can tell me? I don’t even know where to begin to start looking for answers.”
Her grandson reached out for her and she took him into her arms. For a moment, I thought my question to her would go unanswered, but after placing a big kiss onto his cheek she turned her head around to me again. “Whenever I gets a vision where I can only see pieces of the whole picture, it’s usually ‘cause those’s the only ones ain’t been seen yet. My guess is he’s already shown you the rest—you just wasn’t lookin’ hard enough.”
*******************
My mother was waiting for me in my room when I arrived. She waved me over and I took up the spot next to her on my bed. After a couple of false starts on my part, she told me to just ask.
“How long have you known I was her?” I asked.
“Since you were a baby. For the first year of your life, your name, as it was written on the birth certificate, was “Undecided Adams.” She laughed and my jaw dropped. “I insisted you be named Aleksandra, to honor my dead sister. But your father had lost his mother to vampires only a week before your birth and he had hoped to honor her by giving you her name. So to settle it once and for all, we asked you. Whenever we said “Aleksandra,” no matter what you were doing, you would stop and look at us. It was as if you knew it was your name. You weren’t as fond of Anastasia.”
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