Dreamspinner

by Merita King

  Tearan did as he was asked and allowed himself to be tested and re-tested, questioned, probed, and interrogated without a fuss. Qen and Eishlo’s friendship helped him cope with the boredom and heal his heart of the grief of losing Mykus, Tovis, Doctor Arma and the silent one, Jole Smoy. He had never been aware of Jole, so the bond was not as strong but he held him in his heart alongside the others nonetheless. Knowing these men had once been people, alive and vibrant with life who had donated their personalities, their memories, in the hope that one day, troubled minds might be eased, helped him keep things in the proper perspective. Little by little, as the grief subsided, Tearan had to admit that something troublesome had replaced it. Knowing all three were being filmed and listened to by Hunter and the other scientists made it hard for him to know how to deal with his frustration. Eishlo presented him with the perfect solution one evening when he offered to show Qen and Tearan the spaceship pod where he had spent his time before being allowed through the Q-Wall.

  “I got something neither of you two got,” he grinned as he led them down corridors and up to a door marked with some writing neither Tearan nor Qen understood. Flinging open the door with a flourish, Tearan gaped at the state of the art steam room that lay before them.

  “Whoa, you got a steam room?” Qen said. Eishlo nodded proudly.

  “What’s it for?” Tearan asked.

  Qen and Eishlo gaped at each other, then at Tearan. “You’re serious?” Qen asked. Tearan nodded. “You don’t have steam rooms on Arlenika?”

  “Nope.”

  “Man, you need an education fast,” Eishlo said and Qen laughed.

  Tearan wiped the hot sweat from his brow and sighed. He was sure his bones were melting within his body, but Qen and Eishlo assured him this would be good for his health, so he bore it with as much grace as possible. Every few seconds, a loud hiss would herald a fresh burst of steam and he began to wonder how much longer he could bear it. Hot condensation covered everything within the small room and he was glad he had followed Qen’s instructions to leave all of his clothes and belongings outside. This heat and wet would ruin anything and he was relieved that he did not own any electronic or digital devices. Boiling steam and electronics do not mix well; even Tearan knew enough about electronics to know that. Eishlo noticed Tearan’s wide eyed stare and frowned.

  Tearan waited for the next loud hiss before speaking softly. “I doubt they can film or record us in here.” Eishlo opened his mouth to reply, but a hand appeared across his mouth. Qen shook his head at Eishlo as he held a deep black hand across his face. Eishlo nodded and Qen took his hand away.

  “Tearan, you’re a genius, man,” Qen said during the next hiss. “We talk only when the steam hisses okay?” Tearan and Eishlo indicated their agreement.

  As he waited for the next hiss, Tearan struggled to construct his next statement. The duration of the hisses was short, no more than five seconds, so they needed to get to the point whilst getting all relevant information across. Raising his hand to signal he intended to speak, the three waited for the hiss.

  “Did they tell either of you two about who you really are?”

  Qen and Eishlo exchanged a glance, then both shook their heads. Tearan felt immense relief flood through his body and he almost cried out with the strength of it. To be singled out to be kept in the dark would make him extremely paranoid and he did not wish to think about how he would react in such a situation. At least all three of them were being treated the same, which helped to bond them as a unit. Tearan felt less alone and took strength from their shared experience. Qen raised his hand to speak, so they all waited in silence. “Hunter said it would make my new personality fail to integrate.”

  Eishlo furiously pointed to himself, indicating that he too had been given the same explanation. Tearan followed his example and then raised his hand.

  “Am I the only one who finds this whole thing a little sinister?”

  Eishlo raised his hand for the next chance to speak. “I find the theory sound, but the execution is flawed.” Tearan and Qen frowned so Eishlo raised a finger. Everyone waited for the next hiss. “The old me might have been mentally ill and now I have a chance to be cured, but.” He raised the finger again to wait for the next hiss. “But the way they’re doing this is not good.”

  Qen raised his hand. “Agreed. A brilliant idea poorly executed.” Keeping his finger raised, everyone waited. “I’m curious to know but worried about the outcome.”

  Eishlo mouthed a silent “Yes.” Tearan nodded and pointed to himself. The heat was getting to him, and he wiped a hand across his brow for the hundredth time and groaned.

  “This heat is getting to me,” he said in a normal voice. “I’m going to pass out if I stay here much longer.”

  “Let’s go and cool off,” Qen said as he got up and headed for the door.

  “I’m so hungry I could eat a festering Wollimot,” Tearan remarked as they sat down in the restaurant.

  “The steam does that to you,” Eishlo said. “Make sure you don’t bolt your food. Eat healthily and chew properly.”

  Qen laughed. “Being healthy is a lot more work than not being healthy.” All three laughed as they tucked in. Halfway through the meal, Hunter appeared at their table.

  “Good evening, Gentlemen. Mind if I join you?”

  Qen shook his head and shrugged. Eishlo indicated the empty chair beside him and Hunter sat down.

  “Firstly, I want to thank you for volunteering to help us here at Dreamspinner. I know none of you remembers volunteering, and when the time is right for you to know about your original selves, you will be shown film footage of your interview for the project. This is done so that you can eventually be assured that you are indeed here willingly. It would be a waste of time for us to bring you here and do these experiments on you without your complete co-operation. If you did not want this, your mind would resist the process and it would not be a success. Failure would be guaranteed.”

  “Thanks, Doctor,” Eishlo said.

  “I also feel it prudent to remind you again that finding out about your original personalities before it is safe, is the best way to guarantee failure. Please try to be patient a little longer and believe that we will tell you what you want to know, when it is safe to do so.”

  Tearan blushed as he realised that the steam room was obviously not out of range of cameras and microphones. He felt as if he was seven years old again and being punished for stealing a freshly baked bun from the rack where his mother had left them to cool.

  Hunter noticed and tried to put him at ease. “Don’t worry, Tearan. It is natural for you to be suspicious. We understand that, believe me. See that man over there at the far table? The one eating that large red fruit? His name is Wesley Bayliss and he’s one of our computer technicians. A year ago, he was John Lockerley, a man so crippled by social anxiety that he never left the confines of his parent’s home. He had little education beyond that which his parents were able to provide and struggled to do much more than read and write. The problem was so severe that he tried to kill himself after a conversation in which his parents expressed their worry at how he would cope when they died.”

  The three men gaped wide eyed at Hunter. “He’s been through the process?” Qen asked.

  “Yes. He was our first great success and one we’re very proud of. Why don’t you talk to him sometime? He might be able to help assuage your worries.”

  “Thanks,” Tearan said as he looked over at the man who was laughing with his colleagues.

  “You’re welcome. The reason we film you and listen in every moment is because we know what natural curiosity can drive a person to do. The moment we trust you will happily comply with our wishes without somehow trying to force our hand, we sentence you to fail. That automatically denies you the chance to live a brand new opportunity filled life.”

  “We get that, Doctor,” Qen remarked. “It’s just that knowing we used to be someone else but not being able to know about our old selves i
s so hard to cope with. Maybe you should never tell the volunteers that they’ve been through this at all. Let them go through their new lives thinking they’ve always been this new person.”

  Tearan and Eishlo nodded but Hunter shook his head. “We tried that when we started active trials on volunteers. Apart from the ethical questions, there is always the chance that something would happen to bring the person into contact with knowledge that they were once someone else. Being suddenly faced with such knowledge would inevitably result in a total mental breakdown. All it would need would be for someone to recognise them, a chance conversation, visiting a place they were once familiar with, seeing something on the media, the possibilities are endless. No, the only way to avoid such a calamity is to give the person that knowledge ourselves in a way that we can manage safely. Remember, the people such as yourselves who go through this process, do so because they need it. The new lives we are giving you are the only way you can hope to live normally and contribute positively to your societies. What each of you was before, whomever you were before, could not do that for whatever reason.”

  “That’s a valid point,” Tearan said. “I have to admit I never thought of that. I know you told me this process is for people who really need it, but I guess I never thought that I was one of them.”

  “We feel normal now, so we think we’ve always been normal,” Eishlo said and everyone agreed.

  “That kind of makes me scared to find out now,” Qen said. “What will I find when you show me who I used to be? Was I mentally ill, a violent thug, a killer? Do I want to find out that’s who I was?”

  “That would be something,” Tearan admitted. “To find out the person you were was any of those things would be heavy shit. Wow.” He wondered how he might react in that situation. “But then I guess we all have to realise that’s indeed what we were or we wouldn’t be here in the first place would we? Fuck, I’m not so curious now. Thanks, Doctor.”

  “That’s why we must wait until you’re ready before letting you go there,” Hunter said. “You will have to go there though, make no mistake about that. We can’t let you out of here to live your new life if there’s the slightest chance of suddenly finding out something you weren’t prepared for. Everyone takes such an experience differently and that’s why we can’t give you an exact time frame for this whole process to be completed. It’s up to you guys, it really is. This whole thing goes at your speed and no faster.”

  The three men fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. The curiosity was still there within each, but now it was tempered with an awareness of the wider implications of this strange experience, and if they were honest, more than a little trepidation.

  back to top

  16

  Life aboard the Novosentia was not the most exciting for Tearan and his new friends, but he found a kind of peace with the experience. Days became weeks, a month, two, and then one morning Eishlo stunned them at breakfast.

  “I had a dream, from Eishlo’s childhood. From my childhood.”

  Tearan and Qen exclaimed and congratulated him. This was something Doctor Hunter told them would happen when their new personalities had properly bedded in. It was something to look forward to, a momentous milestone to be celebrated.

  “Wow,” Qen said. “That’s wonderful. How do you feel about it?”

  Eishlo struggled to reply for several seconds. “I’m happy. It means I’m really Eishlo at last. I’m also scared.”

  “Scared?” Tearan asked. “Why?”

  “Now that I have this confirmation that things are going well, I’m more scared of something going wrong.”

  “I suppose that’s normal,” Qen assured him. “Tell Doctor Hunter when you go for your session today.” Eishlo nodded. “Do you want to tell us about the dream?”

  It was as banal as dreams often are, but the three celebrated it anyway. It was the first of many, and as the days passed, Qen and Tearan noticed a change in Eishlo’s demeanour. He was no longer the quiet one who smiled a lot but said little. The vacuous man they had come to like was gone, and in his place was a strong minded and self assured man neither had met before. This new Eishlo now often took the commanding position in their conversation and debate, pressing his views with a new voracity and passion. Gone were the “maybes, perhaps’, and what ifs.” Their places in Eishlo’s conversation were now taken by new expressions of his confidence, the “you should’s, you ought to’s,” and the one that annoyed Qen the most, the “one day you’ll realise.” Almost without them realising, a divide grew between the three, with Qen and Tearan on one side and Eishlo on the other. There was no animosity between the three friends; they continued to enjoy each other’s company as they had done since their first meeting, but the dynamic of the group was permanently changed. By the time Doctor Hunter informed the three that in order for Eishlo to move forward with his rehabilitation, he would have to leave their group, Tearan’s own dreams had begun.

  The milestone was not greeted with celebration by Tearan. His dreams troubled him from the start and he felt instinctively that he should hold his tongue, at least for a while. From the very first dream, his experience of them was strange and unsettling. The woman who haunted his dreams was beautiful, but always the connection between them was tangible. Elestra; her name came the very first night she appeared within his dreams and he knew at once that he loved her deeply. In some of the dreams, he was passionately happy and in love one minute, then mad with rage at her the next. In other dreams she was almost a stranger, unrecognisable but always connected somehow. He dreamed dreams in which he was clearly Tearan Lindo, active serving member of the IGEC with an untarnished record, yet this strange woman would suddenly appear where she clearly did not belong. In other dreams, he did not feel like Tearan Lindo at all and in these experiences, his connection with the mysterious woman was the strongest.

  The dreams had been happening nightly for a couple of weeks when they first became violent and this troubled him greatly. It always happened when he was dreaming in what he came to call his ‘non Tearan state.’ At first, it was feelings of annoyance, which grew into anger, which then evolved into rage that finally became physical violence. During such dreams, he would come upon her, dead and lifeless in the most incongruous of circumstances, as is the way of dreams. In one, he was planting a tree and the flowers at the ends of the branches changed into eyes. The eyes stared accusingly at him and he knew they were hers. In another, she turned from him and walked away after they argued about something stupid. As she walked, her left thumb fell from her hand and landed on the grass. She seemed not to notice and continued on her way as one by one, the other fingers disconnected themselves and fell away. He awoke sweating and gasping as her limbless body collapsed to the ground, the head rolling away down the slight incline into a puddle of water.

  During his ‘Tearan Lindo’ dreams, he was happy and although still present, she was a stranger and their connection was easy to ignore. He would awaken from such dreams happy and sure beyond doubt that he was Tearan Lindo with a lifetime of memories that felt they truly belonged to him. Although his dreams had begun before Qen’s, Tearan allowed his friend to proudly announce the onset of his own dreams without admitting his own had been apparent for over two weeks. He wanted to try to understand what was happening to him before sharing the experiences, even with Doctor Hunter and the other scientists. All he knew was that in one set of dreams he was clearly Tearan Lindo, but in the other set, he was not. What he did not know was why and his desire to reach his own conclusions about it kept him from sharing.

  Knowing that he had been given a new personality that was still in the process of taking control from his original one, the fact that in his dreams he seemed to be two different people did not surprise Tearan. For a while, he worried that his original personality was resisting the takeover bid, but the continued presence of his ‘Tearan Lindo’ dreams and his waking memories and conviction of himself as Tearan, quelled those fears. Three weeks after the d
reams began, he decided that knowing he had been given a new personality had caused this confusion within his mind.

  “I guess my mind is a little sensitive to knowing there are two of me in there,” he said to himself as he joined Qen for breakfast. His friend had been having dreams for almost a week and Tearan noticed changes in his demeanour. Before the dreams began, Qen had been a little on edge all the time, mistrustful of what he did not understand, a little defensive. The man that sat opposite him now was relaxed and calm; he smiled more and seemed to have lost several years off his face. Worry lines no longer creased his brow and his eyes met Tearan’s with a new softness. The old Qen was fun and Tearan felt a great similarity between them. The new Qen was so relaxed he was almost boring.

  The days were long and lonely since Qen left to continue with his rehabilitation. Tearan assumed he was finding out about his original personality and felt a rush of envy course through him. His own dreams continued in their strange format; some nights he was Tearan, others he was not and although his ‘non Tearan’ dreams were troubling, he was not unduly worried. During his waking hours, he never once felt unsure as to who he was. The personality of Tearan Lindo neither hesitated nor wavered whilst he was awake, so he did not worry that his old self, whatever that might have been, was returning to a position of control. On the third day after Qen left, Tearan told Doctor Hunter he had a dream in which he had most definitely been Tearan Lindo.

  “That’s wonderful, Tearan. Tell me about it.”

  “Well it was pretty ordinary really. My parents were there and we were walking round a large empty house with a view to buying it. Mother loved it but I was sure there was someone already living there and that if we moved in, we would always have this other person wandering around. Mother brushed off my concerns and said, “Oh well I can lay an extra place at the table.” When she said that, it made everything all right and I said, “Oh okay then, he can share my room.” Both men laughed at the incongruity of dreams and how we always accept the odd happenings within them. It is only when awake that we wonder at the strangeness of them.