by Ashlee Price
My cheeks got hot as the rest of me did thinking about her final submission before I had gone away to war. It had been the last time she was going to see me, but I had known differently. I knew that Harriet was the only woman that I would ever want and the idea of being without her was not something that I was prepared to live with. I was determined to come back to her and I had.
“Michael, it has been some time passed since I have seen you last. How is everything, how is Harriet?”
He just looked at me with a slightly slacked jaw as if I was speaking in a foreign language. I waited for him to answer, to invite me in, something. But instead he just looked at me for a moment.
“I am sorry for coming unannounced. Have I come at a bad time?”
“My daughter is not here and she won’t be back for some time.”
I was getting the feeling that something had happened, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ask. “Is there any way you can tell me where I can find her then? I just got back into town and I have missed Harriet.”
Michael made a sound that could not be traced back to happiness. There was nothing that he wanted to do more than hit the man, the one that had ruined his daughter’s prospects. But he was of noble blood and was not to be touched. Even in the circumstance he found himself in, it would not be advisable to say what he truly wanted to say and do.
“I don’t think I will be doing that, Damien. I think that you and my daughter saw far too much of each other before you left for the clan wars against the English.”
I knew then that he knew and I wondered if Harriet had told him. She was a private woman and had always been discreet. I didn’t think she would have said anything to him, but she may have confided in someone else, only to find them betraying her trust for one reason or another. I may not have known anything, but I had already known personally the treachery a woman was capable of.
“I miss her is all Michael. I never realized that you thought we saw too much of each other.”
“It would be different if you were going to marry her…”
The man was working himself up and I had seen that look before. Instead of staying and arguing with him, I started back the way I had come. Getting back into the carriage, the older man was still standing at the door staring at me. What had happened for him to change his temperament so thoroughly around me? I blanched at the idea that he had known what I had done, what I had coerced his daughter into doing before I left. It wasn’t that I had made her, far from it, but I had known the consequences if anyone found out. There were to be none to me, but for a woman, they could be far from benign. Had she been sent away because of me?
The more I thought about it, the more I was sure that it was what had happened. Where would he send her though and for how long? There were too many questions going on in my brain for me to think very clearly. I wasn’t sure why everything was not going the way I had planned. All I could think about was Harriet and now knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to see her that evening, I needed a drink more than anything else. There was nothing I could do that night but focus on finding somewhere to stay. It was going to be cold without Harriet next to me and it made me wish that I had never left.
“It would be different if I would marry her…” The man’s words rolled around in my head while I started paying attention to the small establishments around me, stopping only when I saw a tavern that would help me forget about Harriet for a time.
***
I was drowning my sorrows when I saw an old friend and was soon reminiscing about the old days, before there was war and so many problems in the countryside that took up all of my time. I was trying to think of something other than Harriet, but Gregor brought her up.
“Where is that sweet little blond lass that you were chasing around last time you were here?”
My mind went right back to where I was trying to leave, the place I was trying to forget, but there was no use. I couldn’t forget her.
“I don’t know. Her father was ready to take my head off it felt like when I went over there. You haven’t heard anything, have you?”
Gregor shook his head that he hadn’t and I couldn’t help but smile at the redheaded man. We had been to many of the same parties when we were children and even then, he had been an enigma that was hard to ignore. He was always smiling and seemed so happy, no matter what was going on around him. I had secretly wished more than once that I could just shrugged things off as he could. I doubted that any hot-blooded man could, just shake a woman like Harriet off without some discomfort to them being felt though, not even him. She was the type of woman that a man could see himself marrying. Could I see myself marrying her? Even though it would go against everything, it was a thought that had crossed my mind more than once before. I could still remember the way she had looked up at me with those smoky brown eyes.
“I haven’t heard anything, but you may have been gone too long. She was very beautiful and there were no shortage of male admirers.”
I nodded, knowing what he said was true, but something in me told me that she was mine. It was a feeling that I had when I was with her. She would not find someone else. Harriet had told me that I was the only one and she wanted to me to be the only one ever. I knew that she had meant it and I didn’t know until then how much I wanted to believe her. What man wouldn’t want to think that his woman was only with him, only loved him and was the only one that had ever touched her body, heard the soft gasps of pleasure?
Gregor clapped me on the shoulder roughly and started to laugh at me. “I see you are thinking about her still!”
I didn’t deny it and he started in on a loud round of guffaws that irritated me more than they should have. Was I really that easy to read? I decided that I probably was, when it came to Harriet anyways. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and even knowing that Gregor was watching for a reaction, I gave him one. I didn’t want to, but it was hard to deny the way she made me feel.
“I do and now I can’t find her. Tell me you will ask around for me?”
Gregor nodded that he would, even though he didn’t understand going through all the trouble for one dame. “There are many women here that would be more than happy to take her place for the night. You look like you could use something to clear your mind.”
I nodded, sure that he was right about that and my eyes had noticed a few lovely ladies that were giving me the eye and a smile. But they didn’t have the straw colored hair that I had grown to love so much that I dreamed about burying my face in. None of them were Harriet and thus, not what I wanted. There was a blonde-headed girl that would pass from her, as long as I kept her quiet and took her from behind, but knowing that it wasn’t her would plague me the whole time, I was sure of it.
“My mind will be clear enough when I find her. You look around old friend and I am going to get some sleep.”
He nodded and waved me away. I almost stayed there, not wanting to go back home to my empty bed without her, but I knew that I had to. I didn’t know why she was missing and I didn’t know where she was, but I knew that I was going to find out soon enough. I had to have her and knew nothing else would matter until I found my Harriet.
Chapter 3 – Harriet
It was the last thing that I owned of real value. I had sold everything else throughout the week. But it wasn’t enough and finally I had to get rid of the necklace that Damien had given me the night I gave myself to him. It seemed like a century ago, but it was only mere months. How could so much go wrong in a short few months?
Looking down at my stomach and patting it with a hand, I smiled to myself. It had been longer than a few months. I knew that my time was drawing there soon and it was the last thought that I needed to make up my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of the necklace that meant so much to me, but our child inside of me was worth more. I knew I had to do anything that I could to make sure that our child lived and had everything he needed. There was no way that I was going to let my aunt take the baby, even though
I knew that was exactly what she planned to do. It was what my parents wanted, because it was what was best for me in their eyes.
It was all I ever heard and I knew that it had nothing to do with me, but their own objections to people taking about them. How could they have raised such a daughter with such low morals?
I laughed a little too bitterly to myself with the thought. I was not under a presumption. I knew exactly what they thought of me and in a way, I just really didn’t care. I cared enough to stay away from town of course, for their sakes though, more than my own. I was perfectly happy to just be away from everyone that I had known. I wish I could get away from the aunt as well and her nasty mouth, but I knew deep down that she was my saving grace.
Holding onto the necklace in a tight grip, I went down to the blacksmith. I had talked to him the day before when I was trying to get him to buy some other things that I had, but he was not interested. He was interested in a gift for his wife and I told him that I had just the thing he was looking for.
When I got there, he waved to me and gave me a motion that he would be there in a few minutes time. I waited and watched him work, feeling out of place in the dirty stand. There were bits of metal everywhere, so much so that it had piled up in some areas. I wasn’t sure what it was all from, but I got a sense that things were created there, magnificent things.
Some of the swords cooling and leaning against one wall were made of the best quality and even just a common woman like me knew that they were swords fit for the nobility. It reminded me of Damien. Everything seemed to do that lately as I found myself more emotional from the pregnancy. I imagined that one of them was for him, as he fought some war away from me. It made my eyes start to glisten a little and I wiped at the wetness before I was caught getting sentimental in the middle of a stranger’s shop.
The man finally gave me his attention and saw the redness of my eyes. He took it as I was upset about losing the necklace, but I assure him that it had nothing to do with that. “Those swords reminded me of a man I once knew that is fighting in the war.”
He shook his head. “He should be home now. Most of the men were sent home as a deal is being struck. I don’t think these swords will ever see a fight.”
His words were hard to believe because it went so far against what I had been thinking for so long. I had made up my mind that he just wasn’t coming back. But then I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter if he did or not. The truth of the matter was that whether he was alive or dead, back or gone, I would never see him again. I was sure that he wasn’t pining for me as I did for him. It was different with men.
“Well that is a good thing. We have lost too many to war as it is.”
He nodded and looked at the necklace that I handed him. Brutley just shook his head and wondered then why a woman was so captivated by pretty things to hang on themselves. It was so much smaller and flimsy feeling that anything that he was used to working with. That is why he thought to buy it, knowing that his clumsy hands would not be able to make something so delicate. An unhappy wife can bring misery to a man and his had been unhappy for some time. He was hoping a bauble would help smooth over the mess that he had gotten himself into.
“Aye we have. Are you sure you want to part with this? It must have been given to you by someone very important.”
I shook my head that it was, but then smiled. “It was, but now it is needed for something more important.”
He saw my hands on my stomach and nodded his head like he understood. I was sure that my pregnancy gave me a better price on the necklace and I knew then that I almost had enough to go. The only problem was I was still not sure where I was going. There was a thought that I needed to leave before the baby was born, but having him on my own seemed as dangerous as having him there in the house. I was torn between what to do and I didn’t even see her as I was walking passed her to the small room at the top.
“Come here girl. Where have you been? You shouldn’t be going out so much, as you get bigger. You might be recognized.”
I shook my head that it was impossible. “I don’t know anyone here and no one would recognize me. It is why I was sent so far away, was it not? So my parents would not have to feel the shame of my actions. Of this.” I moved my hand towards my stomach and sighed. I was feeling combative and there was nothing good that would come of it.
Her eyes darkened and I knew that I had gone too far. Again.
“Your parents and my sister feel the shame, no matter where you are girl.”
I sighed and tried not to flinch from her tone. She had a letter in her hand and I presumed it was from them. “Is that from mother and father?”
Her aunt nodded, but did not extend the letter for me to see. “No, it is not for your eyes, only mine.”
“Well did they at least ask how I was? Or ask how the baby was?” I was trying not to feel hopeful, but I did. All I ever wanted was for them to be happy for me, to accept the baby I carried, but my aunt’s harsh words reminded me that it would never happen.
“No dumb girl. They do not care how your bastard child is doing.”
I nodded my head, feeling defeated and no longer able to keep up the charade that her words didn’t matter to me. They did, how could they not? I was left walking a lot slower up the stairs to my small room and as soon as the door closed, I found myself in tears on my bed. I had to get out of there, but I couldn’t go home. Where was I supposed to go?
****
The older woman folded up the letter that she had just received from her sister and her husband.
“You would not guess who came to the house today sister! None other than Damien himself! Harriet never admitted that she was in love with him and he was the man that made her this way, but I know it was. Michael said he was rather forward in making sure he knew to never come back. Harriet can never know about this.
It would only just give her false hope…”
Chapter 4 – Damien
I met up with Gregor later the next evening and he had a tale to tell me. He had looked out for Harriet or some information of where she was and he had gotten more than I had bargained for. I knew something had happened though, it was written all over her father’s face when he looked at me with the hatred that he had carried. It was hard to deny the way his eyes had flashed and I knew then that he would have most assuredly hit me where I stood, if not for who I was and who he was. At one point he had treated me like a son, so it was clear that something had happened to change him so much.
Gregor was one that had a flair for the dramatics and he was keeping me in suspense.
“I don’t know if you want to hear this, Damien. It is not good news.”
My heart sunk a little and my mind raced with the possibilities. I had thought of many, but I was not prepared for the answer that I received. I had not seen that one coming.
“Just tell me already you redheaded brute! You know what she means to me!” Everyone was a bit too clear of how I felt about her. It was a problem, something that I had tried to avoid, but I had to give a reason why I was so interested in what she was doing. I was interested because she was mine. Harriet had been mine since that night, before that even. She had been mine since the first time that I laid my eyes on her. I knew that she was the one for me and it didn’t matter about who she was or who her parents were. I just wanted her.
“Her parents sent her away in shame, Damien.”
I knew what it meant deep down, but at the same time, I didn’t want to think about it. If she was sent away in shame it meant our union was known about. It was what I had come to think about it all after seeing Michael the day before, but it still didn’t tell me who found out and how they found out to begin with.
“What was her shame, being with me?”
Gregor nodded. The men knew the rules were different for them. They would have been shamed a hundred times over if the same rules had applied. But they didn’t apply to them. The only dishonor was in shaming a girl. I wouldn’t feel anyt
hing over the guilt I was feeling now. There would be no whispers behind my back and nasty words said to my face. It was not the way of it.
“There’s more.”
How could there be more? Wasn’t the fact that I had ruined her life and chances of an honest marriage enough? Wasn’t I supposed to feel worse than I did? I knew then that she really was mine, but it was not the same victory as it had felt like before with her submission. I had been gone too long and it seemed like she had suffered in my absence.
“What more is there my friend? You are now the bearer of bad news.”
He shook his head and it was clear to me that he didn’t want to be. Gregor looked uncomfortable and I couldn’t think of what could be worse than what he just told me. What could be worse than her shame and being made to leave her own home?
“She is with child.”
“My child?”
Gregor shrugged, but I wasn’t really asking him. I knew that it was my baby, but there was a shock in my voice. I felt like it was coming from nowhere. It had only happened once, one sweet night and I never imagined that it would produce a babe.
“I do not know if it is yours, but everyone that I talked to seemed to think it was. They also had a few choice words for you, scoundrel being one of them for ruining her innocence. People think that you should do the right thing and marry her.” He was smiling when he said it and I realized then that he enjoyed seeing me squirm. I wasn’t the only man who had been put into a tough position because of my randy manhood, and I dare say I wouldn’t be the last.
“I can’t marry her. My family would never agree and I would be disinherited.” It wasn’t the idea of being penniless that bothered me, but the idea that my younger and less competent brother would be left in charge of the family castle and wealth. I was sure he would quickly lose it all to gambling and women in the taverns. It would quickly be gone, the family legacy and I couldn’t see that happen.
But she was having my child. We were going to have a child together and I couldn’t think straight. Could this really be? Could I really be a father?