She drew in a deep breath. One day she would be able to look back on this without wanting to crawl away and die. It had to get better; time was all she had. She grabbed the door handle and turned it, then pulled open the door and stepped out onto the porch.
The night was dark, the moon a faint sliver in the inky sky. Stars hung low, as if they wanted to eavesdrop on what she had to say. She knew Travis had seen her come outside, but the creaking of the swing continued in the same rhythm—slow, steady, seductive.
She told herself to go lean against the railing where it was safe. Better to keep her distance. But she was too tired and tense to be sensible. She moved over to the swing and sat next to him.
One long arm stretched along the back of the wooden seat. She relaxed and rested her head against the slats. He shifted, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close against him. She told herself to resist, to stiffen and move away, but she couldn’t. Her cheek rested against his hard chest. She could feel the muffled thudding of his heartbeat. The slow, steady sound reminded her of last night. She awakened several times to find herself in his arms. The warmth of his body, the scent of their lovemaking, and the sound of his heart had soothed her back to a restful sleep. For the first time in months, she’d felt safe.
“The meal was terrific,” he said. His voice rumbled through his chest, vibrating against her skin. “Thanks for going to all that trouble. You’ve spoiled everyone. They’re used to me cooking hot dogs or something out of a can.”
“I enjoy cooking,” she said, fighting the urge to look up at him. She wanted to see what he was thinking, she wanted to read the expression in his eyes. She was equally terrified of what she would see there. What if he didn’t want her? Worse, what if he did?
“Do you cook a lot?” he asked.
“Some.” She smiled and snuggled closer. “I used to think if I was a better wife, Sam would stay home more. So I took a couple of courses given by a restaurant and started really doing some exotic things. It didn’t seem to help. For the longest time I assumed it was my cooking.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Of course not. It was his wife and kids. The fanciest beef dish in the world can’t compete with that.”
“Elizabeth, Sam cared for you.”
She grimaced. “Maybe. Sometimes, when I’m feeling rational, I believe that he did. In a sort of sick, twisted way. If he’d really cared, he would have told me the truth about himself.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Thanks for including me today. I enjoyed having your friends around. Sam never wanted— Damn. Now that I’ve spilled the beans about him, I can’t seem to stop talking about what happened. Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
Travis slid his hand up her shoulder to her head. His long fingers slipped through her hair to the band that was holding her ponytail in place. He tugged gently, easing it down the strands until her hair was loose and falling over her shoulders. She should probably tell him not to touch her so intimately. She was giving him the wrong idea. But she couldn’t help herself. She liked the feel of his hands on her. He made her feel safe and cherished. She hadn’t felt any of those things in a very long time.
He bent down and kissed the top of her head. “You were saying Sam never wanted what?”
“Sam never wanted us to have friends over. He didn’t want me to have friends at all. But the crowd today was nice.”
He chuckled low in his chest. “If you think this was a crowd, you should wait until my other brothers join us. Between Craig’s three boys and everybody’s dates trying to figure out who belongs with whom, it’s a madhouse. I’ll give you plenty of warning before letting that group descend on you.”
It sounded lovely, she thought wistfully, thinking of her own solitary childhood. She shifted on the swing. Her right breast pressed against his chest. Her nipples hardened in response to his body, but she ignored the tingling sensation.
“I wouldn’t mind,” she said, then realized she would be gone by the time Travis’s family invaded. She would be driving at the end of the week and moving out to her own place next weekend.
A sharp stab of regret and disappointment startled her. She didn’t want to think about what it meant, so she recalled what Travis had just told her.
“You mentioned dates,” she said. “I thought the Haynes brothers didn’t want to get involved with anybody.”
“We all want it to work out, so we seem to keep trying. I guess each of us is praying for a miracle.”
The bitterness in his voice surprised her. “You sound upset.”
“It gets damned lonely,” he admitted. “It’s probably a matter of wanting what we can’t have. Craig got burned big-time. His wife walked off with one of his closest friends, leaving him with a pile of bills and three little kids. Damn fool keeps looking for the right woman. Kyle dumps his girlfriends before they have a chance to dump him. I’m sure it has something to do with our mother abandoning him when he was fifteen and the string of women Dad brought into the house right after. We went through three stepmothers in three years. And then there’s Jordan.”
Travis paused. Elizabeth wished she could move closer to offer him comfort. She could feel his pain. It radiated out from him like the heat of a fever. In the past, he’d talked about his family and his resistance to believing relationships lasted, but this was the first time she’d really understood all that he and his brothers had been through. She was the last one to be giving him any kind of advice, though. Her own track record was pretty awful. So she didn’t say anything. She reached up her hand to his face and stroked his cheek. His evening beard poked at her palm. He felt warm and alive. A quivering began low in her belly; she told herself this wasn’t about sex.
“Jordan, hell, I don’t know about him. He keeps everything inside. He was always the odd one out. The rebel.” He grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth. His kiss on her palm was sweet and damp, his tongue tracing an erotic line from the base of her thumb to her little finger. She shivered.
“After all,” he continued, “look at what he does for a living. He’s a fire fighter, the crazy fool.”
He laughed and she joined him. It felt good to be with Travis like this. He turned toward her, angling one knee across the bench. His position moved them a little apart, but now she could see his face.
He looked good by porch light, she thought, studying the way stubble darkened the hollows of his cheeks and made his eyes more mysterious. She wanted to lean close and touch him all over, relearning the body she had caressed so intimately the night before. His pleasing scent made her remember other smells and tastes, his laughter made her think of other sounds. The way he’d called her name, his voice husky with disbelief and pleasure. Her breasts grew more sensitive inside her bra; her most secret place dampened in anticipation. Desire filled her, but she kept it firmly in check.
“I had an interesting conversation with Mandy at dinner,” he said, resting his palm on her thigh.
“I thought I saw you two talking. What about?”
“Her father.”
She started to fold her arms over her chest. He grabbed her hands, pulled them down on top of his knee and held her in place. “She was telling me that a boy at school lost his parents. She assumes that they’re physically lost and won’t be able to find their way back to him. She thinks Sam is lost to her, as well.”
Elizabeth tried to ignore the soft denim of Travis’s jeans, the heat of his leg below and the warmth of his hand above hers. She tried to ignore the feeling of panic boiling to life in her belly. She’d known it would come to this with Mandy, but not yet. She wasn’t ready.
“I told her that Sam wouldn’t be able to see her again,” she said. “But I can’t explain the rest of it to her. Not yet. She’s too young.”
She dropped her head so that she could stare at her lap. No doubt Travis would disagree with her decision. She didn’t care. When she’d asked Sam to sign away the rights to see Mandy, he ha
dn’t even bothered to protest. He’d never been much interested in the girl. Not having him visit every few months would make it less confusing for Mandy.
“I agree,” he said, surprising her. “But I think you should be willing to let her talk about missing her father if she wants to.”
“Thanks for the advice,” she said, surprised she wasn’t irritated with his interfering.
He turned her hand over and placed his on top, palm to palm. His skin was rough from his carpentry work—warm, yet dry. He had large hands, strong, capable fingers. She trusted his hands as much as she trusted the man. A big mistake, she warned herself, hoping it wasn’t already too late.
“She asked if I could be her father instead of Sam.”
Elizabeth’s heart clenched. Fierce jealousy and possessiveness poured through her. She wanted to jerk her fingers free and use that hand to slap Travis away. How dare he try to worm his way into her daughter’s affections?
She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. He hadn’t done anything wrong, a small rational voice whispered. He had been nothing but sweet to her and her daughter. Of course Mandy would respond to that affection. She’d spent more time with Travis in the past few weeks than with Sam in the past year.
“What did you tell her?” she asked, daring to look at him.
His dark eyes met and held her own. He shrugged sheepishly. “I told her I didn’t know how to be a dad, but that I was willing to be her friend. I hope that’s okay.”
He was obviously concerned about her feelings. She was grateful she hadn’t given in to that moment of jealousy and destroyed the special friendship she and Travis had built. It made sense that she would be protective of Mandy. Look at all that had happened to them. But Travis wasn’t the enemy. She would do well to remember that.
She smiled softly. “You shouldn’t have lied to her, Travis.”
He straightened, obviously startled. “I didn’t lie to her.”
“Of course you did.” She leaned a little closer to him, allowing the night to shut out the rest of the world. “You know exactly how to be a father. It’s something you do very well.” She held up her hand when he started to protest. “Think about it. You took her to soccer so she could have fun and make friends. You eat raw French toast and tell her that her cooking is wonderful. You hold her tight and protect her from the world.”
He dismissed her words with a shrug. “That’s the easy part. Anyone could do that.”
“Sam didn’t. It’s not what you do with her, it’s taking the time to make the little things matter. I think you’re a terrific father. Mandy does, too, or she wouldn’t have asked.”
“I— Thanks,” he said, looking distinctly uncomfortable. His gaze darted around the porch, to the ground, the sky—anywhere but at her. “I hope I can still see her. You know, when you guys move.”
“Sure. She’ll love it.”
“And I think you should talk to her about Sam.”
“Travis, I know what’s best for Mandy.”
“You don’t have to tell her about the bigamy, just let her talk about being without him. Glenwood is a small town. We don’t have a lot of single parents around here. Mandy probably feels different from everyone else she knows.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” she admitted. “It makes sense. I’ll talk to her.” She drew in a deep breath. She should have seen that on her own. “See, you’re not the only one who questions about parenting skills.” Would she ever get it right? First she messed up completely by believing Sam. Now she was concerned about making a mistake with Mandy. When would the second-guessing end?
“You’re going to make yourself crazy,” he said, taking her in his arms and pulling her toward him. “Stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine.”
“But—”
“No ‘buts,”’ he said, covering her mouth with his finger. ”That’s enough thinking for tonight. I don’t want you to tax your brain with anything more complex than how wonderful this feels.”
He lowered his mouth to hers. She told herself she should stop him. They couldn’t do this again. But it felt too good. Too right. His lips were hot against hers. His arms felt strong and safe as he enfolded her against his broadness.
He shifted, pulling her onto his lap. Of their own accord, her arms reached around his neck. One of his hands slipped up from her thigh to her waist, then to her breast. He touched her curves, stroked the puckering nipple. Elizabeth gasped her pleasure and knew that she was seconds from losing control.
She pulled her mouth away from his drugging kisses, away from the pleasure and escape he promised.
“I can’t,” she whispered, fighting the tightness in her throat and the screams of protest from her aroused body. “Please don’t make me do this again.”
“Darlin’, no one’s going to make you do anything.”
She risked looking up at him. He wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look angry. “I didn’t mean it like that. Oh, Travis, you are wonderful and there’s nothing I’d like better than to make love with you tonight.”
“But?”
“But I don’t want to fall in love with you or care about you more than I do. If we make love again, I won’t be able to be just friends.” She pulled free of his gentle embrace and stepped onto the porch. It was tearing her up inside to leave him, but she knew she had to. For both their sakes.
“I’m doing you a favor,” she said, looking down at him, hoping that wasn’t hurt she was seeing in his eyes. “After all, aren’t you the one claiming you don’t want to make another mistake? Aren’t you the one who doesn’t want to get involved again?”
Chapter Twelve
The question hadn’t left him alone in two days. Elizabeth was right—he had told her he didn’t want to get involved again. It went against everything he believed. Trying for a long-term relationship was a sure guarantee of heartbreak. Not only for himself, but for the woman involved. It would be crazy to start something he didn’t intend to finish. The easiest thing for both he and Elizabeth was to stop playing footsie under the table and get on with being friends. At the end of the week, when she was able to drive and her rental house was available to move into, she would go back to her life and he would get on with his. No big deal.
He moved closer to the edge of the soccer field and watched Mandy race across the grass as she chased the elusive ball. She and her new friends squealed with excitement when she connected with her toe. The ball landed far short of the goal, but no one cared, least of all Mandy. She raced over to him and grinned.
“Did you see me kick it?” she asked, panting.
“You bet.” He ruffled her bangs, then gave her a little push. “Go back to the game, honey.”
“Okay, Travis.” She raced off.
He shoved his hands into his uniform trouser pockets. He was supposed to be taking care of paperwork back at the station. But this morning when Elizabeth had asked him if he could take Mandy to soccer practice, he hadn’t been able to say no. Time was ticking by too quickly and he wanted be with the little girl as much as possible.
He wanted to spend time with her mother, as well, but that was dangerous. And confusing. What the hell was going on with him? He should be pleased that Elizabeth was well enough to spend the afternoon with Rebecca at the office learning about her new job. She was certainly excited enough to be out of the house. But he’d hated dropping her off at the child services center. It wasn’t because he didn’t want her to have a job or be independent, it was that he didn’t like the reminder that she was leaving.
“You thinking about taking on a new coaching job?”
He turned and saw Austin walking toward him. As always, his friend was dressed in jeans and cowboy boots. A small gold hoop hung in one earlobe. He looked like a modern-day pirate.
“Just baby-sitting,” Travis said, pointing to Mandy. “What about you?”
“One of the deputies told me you’d be out here,” Austin said, stopping beside him. “I wanted to let you know
I’m going to be out of town for a few days.”
“Vacation?” Travis asked, then grinned. To the best of his knowledge Austin had never taken a vacation.
“Nope. I’m giving a paper at a conference in France. Technical stuff. I’ll be gone about five days.”
Travis nudged his friend with his elbow. “You know what they say about French women, buddy. Have a great time.”
“Are you going to start living vicariously, now that you’ve got the hots for Elizabeth?”
Travis started to deny the statement, then figured, why bother? “You saw?”
“Sunday, at your place? Sure. The way you two were looking at each other, you about set the table on fire.”
“It’s more than sex.”
“Then you’ve got a problem.”
Travis looked at the field where Mandy was in the middle of the young crowd of soccer players. She darted left, the ball went right and she landed on her rump. He could hear her laughter from across the field. Involuntarily, he smiled.
“You know anything about being a father?” he asked.
“No.”
“Me, neither. Except I wouldn’t want to be like my old man. I’d want to be more interested in my kids than in other women.”
“So be more interested in your kids.”
“As simple as that?”
“Why make it hard?”
The Best Bride Page 16