“I’m still ugly.”
He lifted Joy’s chin with his finger. “Never think that. God made you pretty in a very special way. He made you pretty from the inside out, not just on the outside like some girls.”
She looked up with uncertainty in her eyes. “He did?”
“Yes, He did. Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see the prettiest girl in the whole world wearing a brand-new dress made by a grandmother who loves her.”
Her frown vanished. “And a new eahmal shatzli.”
It meant long apron, and it was part of a young Amish girl’s traditional dress. “Someday, when you are grown-up enough, you will put off wearing your long apron and wear a matching cape and short apron like your grandmother.”
It was a huge milestone in an Amish girl’s life. Another one he wouldn’t be around to see. The thought brought a funny ache to his chest.
Joy held her apron out and flapped it. “I don’t have to take it off today, do I?”
He smiled. “No, not today. Today, you’re going to your first Amish church service in your brand-new dress.”
“I hear singing, Daddy.”
“I hear it, too.” The slow cadence of Amish voices rose and fell as each word was drawn out over several notes. There was no music, only voices raised in worship.
“I don’t know that song. It sounds sad.”
He knew it by heart. He’d sung it countless times while seated on hard wooden benches, eager to have the service end so he could get out and visit with his friends and get up a game of volleyball or horseshoes.
“No one expects you to know it, Joy. You will learn that song in time, and many the other songs, too. Are you ready to go?”
“Yes. I mean, ja.”
“Ja is goot.”
She pressed her hands to her mouth and giggled. “You sound just like grandpa when you speak Amish, Daddy.”
“Do I? I reckon that’s not a bad thing.” He deeply admired his father. If only the feeling could be mutual.
They walked up the dirt drive, taking care to avoid the slushy snow melting in the sunshine. When they reached the house, he stopped and looked down at Joy. “Amish men and women don’t sit together at the preaching. You will have to go in and find your grandmother.”
“Aren’t you coming in?”
“No.” He wouldn’t be welcome. Wayne would have seen to that. In a way, he felt sorry for his brother. It couldn’t be easy living with so much guilt and fear.
“What if I can’t find Grandma?”
“You will, but if you don’t see her, it’s okay to ask where she is. You’ll have to sit still and be quiet until the service is over, but then you can play with the other kids and there will be lots to eat.”
“What if the other kids don’t like me?”
“They will. But if you want, you can stay with your grandmother, okay?”
“I guess.”
“Go on inside.”
“You won’t go away and leave me here, will you?”
She couldn’t shake the fear of being left alone. Who could blame her? He pointed to a stump by the corral fence. “I’ll be waiting right over there.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
She studied him for a long moment, trying to decide if he was telling the truth, then she nodded and walked up the steps and inside the house. He waited by the door, expecting her to come running back out, but she remained inside. It was a small victory for him and for her.
Half an hour later, the final hymn faded away and Caleb knew the service had ended. He waited out at the stump with his hands pushed deep in his coat pockets. It was sunny but still cold. He saw Joy come out with his mother. Joy darted across the yard toward him.
“I was good, Daddy. I sat real still, and I prayed for you because Mammi said I should.”
If God listened to anyone, surely He would listen to this child. “Thank you. I’m glad you were good.”
“Don’t you mean danki?”
“I do. Danki for your prayers.” Caleb lifted a hand to wave to his mother and let her know he would keep Joy with him. She nodded and went back inside to help prepare for the meal.
Caleb saw his brother come out with their father. He met their gazes before they both turned away without acknowledging him. It hurt to be ignored in front of others, but he steeled himself to endure it. He hadn’t taken the vows of baptism, but his actions, so far outside of what was expected of an Amish person, made his presence unacceptable to many.
Joy was chattering about the funny man with a beard who spoke during church when Caleb caught sight of Leah as she came out with her sister. Rhonda saw him and quickly averted her eyes. She pulled at Leah’s arm, but Leah ignored her. In front of everyone, she crossed the yard toward him.
* * *
Leah knew what she was doing would set tongues wagging, but she didn’t want Joy to see her father being ostracized by everyone in her new community. He’d made the effort to bring his daughter to church. Leah reluctantly admired his courage in doing so. If only he had found the courage to marry her sister instead of running away from his responsibilities all those years ago. All their lives would have been different.
And Joy wouldn’t be among them.
The child ran to greet her. “Leah, I didn’t see you inside.”
She smiled at the child, so full of happiness today. “I was there. I saw how well behaved you were.”
“Danki.”
Leah let her smile fade as she looked at Caleb. “Good morning.”
“You mean guter mariye,” Joy said with a bright smile. She was such a charming child. She seemed eager to learn all things Amish.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Caleb stared past Leah. She knew all eyes were on them.
“I wanted to ask if you were able to get Joy’s school records.”
“I had my attorney fax them to the local public library, since I don’t have access to a printer. I picked them up yesterday. They’re in the truck. I left it parked at the end of the lane.”
She hesitated. Walking off with him alone, even for a short trip, would put her in a tenuous position.
He seemed to sense her reluctance. He gestured toward the highway. “I’ll go get them. Would you look after Joy until I get back?”
“Of course.”
“Joy, mind Leah. Would you like to go home with me or ride home in the buggy with Mammi and Daadi?”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “The buggy!”
His gaze remained on Leah. “I wouldn’t trust her to just anyone, but I’ve seen how well you can handle her. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Do you want a box of a-n-i-m-a-l c-r-a-c-k-e-r-s? I have some in my pocket just in case.”
“We’ll be fine.” He trusted her to look after Joy. The thought filled her with warmth. She watched him walk away with long, sure strides.
And why shouldn’t he trust her? Looking after children was what she did. Other people’s children—never her own. Because of him.
She accepted it as God’s will, but sometimes she wondered why she was the one left without love in her life. She loved her students and they loved her, but it wasn’t the same. That love couldn’t hold her with tender arms or kiss away her fears in the darkness. She longed for the things marriage would bring—companionship, shared laughter, a sense of belonging to something important. But it wasn’t to be.
Rhonda came up to stand at her side. “You shouldn’t be talking to him.”
“He isn’t under the ban. We have no cause to shun him.”
“How can you say that?”
Leah gave a tiny shake of her head and glanced toward Joy. This wasn’t a conversation the child should hear. Fortunately, Anna Imhoff came up to greet Joy. “Anna, why don’t you take Joy and introduce her to some of the other children?”
As they walked away, Leah turned to her sister. “It happened a long time ago. Nothing can change it. Maybe it’s time to forgive Caleb.”
“I h
ave forgiven him, but I’d rather you didn’t talk to him.”
“He wishes to enroll his daughter in our school.”
“Is he staying in Hope Springs?” Panic flooded Rhonda’s face.
“No. He knows the school board must agree to allow Joy to attend Walnut Valley. I told him what records we would need. I owe Caleb the same attention I owe any parent. Nothing more.”
“I wish he would leave and be done with it. Is he eager to rid himself of his daughter?”
“I don’t think he is eager to leave her.” She sensed a conflict in him. Was it because he didn’t want to leave his child or because he didn’t want to leave her with his Amish family?
Rhonda huffed. “I see. You’ve taken one of your broken-winged fancies to him, haven’t you?”
“I haven’t taken a fancy to him. I have taken a fancy to his daughter. Joy can be a trial, but she has a big heart.”
“She’ll be better off without him.”
“I think they belong together.” Joy needed her father in her life. And maybe her father needed her more than he knew.
Maggie came out of the house. She stopped short and looked around with a worried frown. “Leah, did Caleb leave?”
“Nee. He will be back in a few minutes.”
“Where is Joy?”
Leah pointed toward the barn. “She is playing with Anna and meeting the other children.”
Maggie relaxed. “That’s fine. I want her to make friends.”
“Speaking of friends, that reminds me. Did Rhonda tell you I’m having a cookie-baking frolic at my house on Wednesday evening?”
“I forgot to mention it,” Rhonda said quickly. She stared at her feet. “So much has happened.”
Leah and Maggie shared a sympathetic glance. They knew Caleb’s return had been hard on Rhonda. Leah tried to lighten the mood. “You’re welcome to come, Maggie, and bring Joy, too. I’m sure she would enjoy that.”
“I’m not sure, but thank you for the invitation. I’d better get back inside and help Nettie clear plates so the next group can eat. It was good of you to let Bishop Zook know the Chupp family is struggling. The community will make sure they have all they need until William is back on his feet.”
“I noticed some bare cupboards when I visited them on a school matter. I did nothing special.”
Maggie hesitated, glancing between Rhonda and Leah. “I must thank you, too, for being kind to Caleb and to Joy. You’ve made a good impression on the child.”
“She is sweet.”
“She truly is.” Maggie went back inside.
Leah placed a hand on her sister’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t see how. Maggie wants Caleb to stay. I can’t imagine facing him at every family gathering, every church or school function.”
When Caleb came back into sight, Rhonda pressed her hand to her scarred cheek and hurried inside the house. Leah waited until he approached. He looked after her sister. “I’m sorry my being here upsets Rhonda.”
“Do you blame her?”
“That is a loaded question I choose not to answer. Here are Joy’s records.” He handed over a manila envelope. “Danki. I must get back to the house.”
He frowned slightly, as if he were aware of her discomfort and knew he was the reason for it. He shoved his hands deep in his coat pockets. “Will you be at the school-board meeting?”
“I’ll be there.”
“Until Thursday, then.”
She watched him walk back down the lane, with his shoulders hunched against the cold and against the stares that followed him. He looked so alone.
* * *
Leah wasn’t surprised when her sister came over that evening. Although they made a habit of visiting each other at least once a month, the closeness they once shared was missing. Leah knew part of that was her fault.
“Do you know what you are doing?” Rhonda demanded.
“Good evening, Rhonda. Won’t you at least let me take your coat before you start scolding me?”
“I can’t stay. Why are you befriending Caleb Mast?”
“We talked about this at church. I don’t believe I have befriended him. He wants to enroll his daughter in our school. She has special needs. It’s important that I know what those are. I’m sure the school board will ask for my input on his request. I take my job seriously.”
Rhonda paced the small kitchen. “I don’t know why he had to come back.”
Leah softened her tone. “He doesn’t intend to stay long. He’ll be gone and things will get back to normal, except Maggie and Ike will have another grandchild in school, and David will have a new cousin.”
“I don’t want David to have anything to do with Caleb or his Englisch daughter. Wayne won’t tolerate it.”
“I’m sorry he feels that way. Joy is a wonderful child who has led a very sad life. I think she can be happy here. I think she can learn our ways and become a productive member of our community. I hope he can see that. As a member of the school board, his acceptance of her is important.”
“What if her father changes his mind and comes to take her away?”
“Is that what’s wrong? Are you and Wayne afraid Caleb has come back to claim his son?”
“I wouldn’t put it past him.”
Leah drew her sister close. “He gave up any right to David when he denied him years ago. Wayne is David’s father in every sense of the word.”
“In every sense but one, and that is the most important.”
“That is the least important part of being a father. Wayne loves David. He could not love him more if he tried.”
“I know.” Suddenly there were tears streaming down Rhonda’s face. “But every time he sees my son he is reminded of my sin. I can tell by the way he looks at me. He can barely touch me. He is so angry now that Caleb is back. I don’t know what to do.”
Leah led her weeping sister to the sofa and sat beside her. She had always suspected that things weren’t good between Rhonda and Wayne, but her sister had never spelled it out so plainly. Nor had Leah asked.
Rhonda looked up with pain-filled eyes. “You hate me, too.”
“Oh, Rhonda, I don’t hate you.”
“I ruined everything for you.”
“You did what you thought was best for you and your child.”
“We don’t talk like we used to. Remember when we were girls, we would huddle together under the quilts at home and talk about the boys we liked and the kind of lives we wanted to live? We used to laugh so much. We never laugh anymore.”
Leah had been deeply hurt when Wayne broke their engagement to marry Rhonda. As the youngest child, Rhonda had always seemed to end up with the best of everything. She had been the prettiest girl in Hope Springs. Everyone said so. She was smarter, more popular, more outgoing—she was everything that Leah wasn’t.
Rhonda could have told Wayne no. She could’ve gone to stay with their childless cousin in Indiana. The couple would have welcomed her and raised her baby as their own. It seemed to Leah that Rhonda was intent on spoiling her life, too, since she had ruined her own.
Leah had let her bitterness simmer, and it had tainted her relationship with her sister. It wasn’t right.
“I remember how it was. We used to laugh all the time. You must come and stay with me for a few days. Wayne and David can manage without you. Who knows, Wayne may realize how much he misses you, for I believe he loves you, even if he has trouble showing it.”
Rhonda pressed a hand to her scarred cheek. “If only I wasn’t so ugly.”
“You are not ugly, and you must never say so again. That is prideful and vain. We are all as God has made us, and we must accept that, flaws and all. True beauty shines from the heart, not from our faces.”
“I try to accept it as God’s will. You would think by now it wouldn’t cross my mind, but I can’t help how I feel.”
Leah hesitated and chose her next words carefully. “Acceptance follows forgiveness. Have you forgiven Caleb
for the accident that injured you?”
“Of course I have,” she said quickly. Too quickly. There was no sincerity in her voice. “I just wish he would leave. It was better when he wasn’t around.” She started crying again. Leah held her tight and let her weep out her unhappiness.
The inability to find forgiveness was a trait both sisters shared. Leah thought about Caleb and Joy and about his struggle to do what was right for the child. He wasn’t a cruel or careless man. Perhaps he hadn’t been cruel and careless in the past. Maybe he had only been a frightened boy who couldn’t face a man’s responsibilities.
No matter what he had done or why, the Savior had died on the cross for his sins. Who was she to say it wasn’t enough?
* * *
Caleb was at home when his parents returned with Joy late in the evening. He walked out to meet them.
Joy climbed out of the buggy. “I have a new friend, Daddy. Her name is Anna.”
“That’s good. Did you meet lots of new kids?”
“They didn’t make fun of me, not even once.”
“And why should they?” Ike asked as he helped Maggie out of the buggy.
“’Cause I’m not smart. I’m not good at games, and lots of times the kids call me stupid and other bad names.”
The memory of such times took the light from his daughter’s eyes. Caleb exchanged a speaking glance with his father. Maybe now he would understand why he had brought her here.
Ike pulled a large basket with handles from the backseat. “There will be no name-calling from the children in our church. If this should happen, you must tell me at once so that I can speak to their parents. Now, take this inside and help your grandmother put our lunch things away.
Joy took the basket. It was almost bigger than she could manage. She hefted it higher and followed Maggie into the house.
Caleb took hold of the horse’s bridle. “I’ll put Bobby away.”
To Caleb’s surprise, his father didn’t go inside. Instead, he stood by and watched as Caleb unhitched the black gelding. As he led the horse to his stall, his father followed and stood outside the pen. Once Caleb had unbuckled the bellyband and the collar, he lifted the harness off Bobby and set it on the boards.
Amish Christmas Joy (Mills & Boon Love Inspired) (Brides of Amish Country - Book 10) Page 7