by Parker, Zoey
“No? I remember hearing people talking about what a nice girl she was, how they didn’t know why she would have married Jax in the first place.”
“She might have started out like that. Who’s to say? I didn’t know her back then, or very well after they were married. But from what I hear…” she looks around again, “…she was into drugs. Both before and after they were married.”
“Drugs? Oh, no.” Adam hadn’t said anything about that, but then why would he? No family member wants to admit things like that about a deceased loved one, especially if the death tore them up inside the way Marissa’s clearly had.
“Yeah, lightweight stuff at first. Kid stuff. Pot, pills. She stopped for a while when they were first married—I heard he insisted—but she started up again at some point. The word heroin was used.”
“No way. I guess people blame Jax for it.”
“Are you kidding? She could have been hit by lightning and they’d blame him.”
I imagine how awful it must have been for Jax, watching his wife fall deeper into drugs. I’ve never personally known a heroin addict, but I know how increasingly common it’s becoming.
“Then there was the whole scandal that went on with the Angels around that time.”
“What scandal?”
“Illegal weapons. Gun running, specifically. They were under suspicion. The cops were watching their every move. It was a crazy time. Every day, the rest of the town wondered when the club would be taken down, and whether there would be some big shoot-out when they were. We held our breath every day. It felt like living in a war zone just waiting for the first shot to be fired.” She shivers, rubbing her arms.
“Did anything ever happen?”
“No. There was never enough evidence to arrest them. Those guys are smart. Imagine what they could have done with their lives if they hadn’t turned to crime. Anyway, another theory around that time was that a rival gun runner was responsible for Marissa’s murder.”
“I guess that makes sense. Like a message, or payback or something?”
“Right.” She shrugs. “That’s all the news that’s fit to print, my love. I don’t know anything else.”
“Believe me, you’ve told me plenty. I needed a little bit of context. It’s hard knowing what to believe sometimes.”
Amy’s hand touches my arm. “Listen. No matter what the real, full story is, there’s one thing that applies no matter what version you’re listening to.”
“What’s that?”
“The club had something to do with it. Either Jax did it, or somebody related to the club business. And let’s be honest, if she was on drugs, where do you think they came from?”
She’s right. I can’t deny it.
“I say this to warn you, is all. Don’t get too involved with the club, especially now that they’re back in town. Nothing good comes from it. These are not good people. You’re a good person. You deserve better.”
I know she cares, which is why I give her a hug. I can’t take her advice, though. Maybe I’m being naïve, but it’s not the club I’m getting involved with. It’s Jax. It’s clear to me he wants to put space between himself and the rest of them. I’m not afraid.
At least, not of the Angels of Chaos. Or their enemies.
The shop is empty now, save for Amy and me. She starts cleaning up the tables while I take my phone from my purse to call Jax. I have to get through to him somehow.
Before I go to the back for a little privacy, I turn to where Amy’s wiping down tabletops.
“Hey, was there any talk about me in here? This morning, I mean?”
She doesn’t know what to say, which is all the answer I need. I nod, understanding, then go through the door leading to the pantry. I’ll have to tackle the gossip issue somehow, but now’s not the time. The town deserves to know what a good man Jax is, and Jax deserves to be treated better.
I call him, hoping he’s home and in a better mood. The phone rings five…six…seven times before the voicemail picks up.
“Hi, this is Jax. Leave a message.” Short, to the point. So typical.
“Jax, it’s me. I wish you’d answer your phone. Now I know how you felt when I wouldn’t answer for you. Anyway…I want to talk to you. I want you to understand I wasn’t blaming you for anything today. I’m on your side, always. I swear it. I know you didn’t kill her. Nothing Adam said made a difference in what I think or how I feel about you. Please call me back.”
I hang up, leaning my back against the rack and the phone pressed to my forehead.
He has to call me back.
I can’t imagine living without him now.
Chapter 26
I stand outside the shop, in the back, catching a breath of fresh air. Jax hasn’t called me back, though in my heart of hearts I don’t expect him to. Not right away, that is.
What bothers me the most is the feeling that I hurt him.
I tried to explain as best I could via voicemail, telling him I’m on his side. That I don’t believe the terrible things people have said or thought about him. I’m on his side.
I remember Adam. The way he looked when he stood on the lawn. The way I though he reminded me of a broken man. That’s what he is. A broken man, looking for answers. Why was his sister killed? Could he have done anything to stop it? I know that’s how I’d feel. I’d want to know those things, too. I might even turn to drinking, which he clearly has done. He looked terrible.
People who are grieving don’t think clearly. They don’t reason. He’s not reasoning, that’s all there is to it. He wants to blame his sister’s death on Jax, as everyone else has. Pin it on the person closest to the victim. That’s fairly typical. After all, don’t police always look for the person closest? Usually the spouse or significant other? It didn’t help when the gun used to kill the victim is the same type carried by the spouse.
I run my hands through my hair, leaving traces of flour. Okay. I know I’m rationalizing. I know it looks bad for him. I have to keep reminding myself of the person I know. They person I see inside him. That person wouldn’t do something so horrible. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
Why am I shaking, then? Because he won’t call me back, that’s all. I don’t know how he feels right now, whether he’s angry with me or just sad because he thinks I didn’t believe him. Has he even listened to his voicemail?
Amy calls to me from inside. I go in, needing to warm up. It’s freezing outside. I had to clear my head.
“You okay? I thought you froze to death out there.” She’s smiling at me, accepting me. She’s the only person I know at the moment who isn’t full of judgment. She cares, but she knows I can make my own choices.
“Just needed to think, is all,” I say. I pour myself a cup of coffee if only to warm my cold hands.
“We’ve got plenty of room to think in here, sister,” she says with a smirk.
“I like fresh air with my thinking,” I reply quietly. But with a smile.
“I thought maybe…”
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe he came, and you met him out there.”
I sigh. “He wouldn’t come. Especially after the raft of shit he got from his brother-in-law earlier today about being in town. He wouldn’t come again so soon.”
“Brother-in-law? Not anymore, right?” Implying since Marissa is dead, there’s no relation.
“I guess so? What do you call a brother-in-law once the spouse dies?” We both shrug. It seems as good a name as any.
“So what kind of things was he saying? Why can’t Jax come to town?” Amy sits in one of the chairs. The place is empty, night falling. Not many people are interested in coffee at this time of day, but we stay open for the occasional straggler in need of a jolt, or maybe a cup of hot chocolate.
I lean on the counter, facing her. “You should know why he can’t. I mean, you’ve lived here your whole life.”
“Yeah, but I never heard of any rules which state members can’t be here. Just the opposite, really. Th
ey show their faces much more often than we’d like.”
I notice how she uses the word “we.” I never thought of her as being part of the town, not in that way. She’s young, vibrant, hip. I thought she was more open-minded than this. I guess I was naïve about a lot of things. But I know she’s my friend, and I can trust her. I need that right now.
“You wouldn’t know if there was any, you know, club rule stating they could only come to town so often.”
“I don’t think so,” Amy says, sipping a cup of tea. “Honestly, when you first said Jax couldn’t come in, I assumed it had something to do with Marissa. There was an awful lot of drama when she died. I mean a lot of it. We thought it was crazy when the police were looking to close in on the gun trade. Oh, brother. That was nothing compared to what went down after Marissa’s murder.”
“Such as what?”
“They were all under suspicion. The police used it as an opportunity to get a closer look at the club. Bad publicity. Very bad. It was probably exactly what the cops needed, when you think about it.”
“You mean they needed a reason to get close, because they weren’t getting anywhere waiting for evidence of illegal guns being bought and sold.”
“Exactly.” Amy nods emphatically. “Marissa was just the thing. It gave them a chance to question everyone involved, right down to the most random fangirl. Everyone. Rumors flew for months.”
“It all came down to Jax at the end of the day, though. Right?”
Amy nods again. “Right. As soon as they announced the caliber bullet used? Forget it. Case closed, as far as the court of public opinion was concerned.”
I shake my head. “Maybe it’s a matter of Jax not coming to town because he brought so much bad publicity to the club, then.”
“That was my assumption, yeah. I’ve always had the impression he’s not closely affiliated with the club anymore, too. Maybe if he were, they’d be more willing to have his back.”
I think about this. That makes sense, doesn’t it? They’re shunning him, just as much as the town is. Oh, he’s so alone. I wish he would call back.
I hear a noise outside. My head turns automatically. Amy smiles, a little sadly.
“You’re waiting for him, aren’t you?”
I nod, miserable. I can’t deny it.
“Why don’t you go to see him instead of waiting for him to call you? Take matters into your own hands. You have the right. I mean, it’s your life. Isn’t it?”
She has a point. Why can’t I go to him? What’s the worst that could happen? He could throw me off his land. Big deal. I’d leave if he wanted me to. I know he wouldn’t hurt me. I know more than ever he’s not capable of that.
“I guess I will,” I agree. “Once we close up. I refuse to leave you holding the bag. I’ve done enough of that lately.”
“It’s okay,” she says, waving a hand. “What else would I be doing? Nothing. I love coming here.”
I smile. She’s such a rare treasure. “Then maybe you should leave early. You handled the entire rush by yourself today.”
“That wasn’t such a big deal either. Customers know when I’m here by myself, they need to calm the hell down and wait their turn. I don’t go for impatience. I’ll deliberately go slower if you give me a hard time.” I laugh. She can get away with that. She’s known them her entire life.
“So you’re staying? That’s what you’re telling me?” She nods. “Why do I feel like you’re guarding me somehow?”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, you are. What’s up? Do you think I’m in trouble or something?”
Her eyes cloud over. “Not in trouble. Just…you need a little time to recover from the stuff that people were saying in here earlier today.”
We haven’t gone into this yet—in fact, I’d forgotten entirely. “Right. What were they saying?”
“Oh, come on…”
“You can tell me!”
“People always say that, until they hear.”
“Wow. Is it that bad?”
She shakes her head. “Not terrible,” she says, “but not very nice.”
“Please. I think I have the right to know what they were saying.”
“Chris…you can’t un-hear things like this. I don’t want it to color your opinion of the people here. They’re genuinely great people. You’ve said it yourself a million times. It’s just they’ve been living with this club hanging over their heads for a long time. They tend to jump to conclusions because, let’s face it, there’s not much you can put past those guys. There’s literal proof of the things they’ve done.”
“I get it,” I tell her. “I’ll take it with a grain of salt.”
“Okay.” She takes a deep breath, looks at the ceiling. “The main thing I heard was a ‘still waters run deep’ joke. You know. This whole time, everyone’s been wondering about you. Why you don’t date, why you’re so quiet. Such a pretty girl, why doesn’t she have a boyfriend? Now it’s, oh, because she likes bad boys. Who’d have imagined that from her? Still waters run deep. You know, with the wink and the nudge. The rolled eyes. It was kind of stupid, especially after the first or second time I heard it.”
“That’s it?” This seems tame considering the way she built it up.
“Yeah, I mean, with different variations every time. See, one version of the story was he spent the night. Another is you two have been shacking up together since you moved here. There are a dozen shades of gray in between. Get it?”
“I get it,” I say, my voice grim. “Well, let them say anything to me. I’ll very firmly but politely put them in their place.”
“Chris…” Amy looks concerned.
I hold up a hand to stop her protests. “Listen. They need to know the sort of person he is. I’m not just talking out of my ass here either. I’m not some lovesick schoolgirl. Facts are facts. He saved my life. He saved me more than once, honestly.” My face clouds over as I remember the way it felt last night. I was so scared. Jax came and made it all better.
“What’s wrong?” Amy stands, walking around the counter. My memories are clouding my mind at this point. “What are you talking about? More than once—what does that mean?”
I look at her, sizing her up. I’ve trusted her before. Can I trust her again? Then I remember how good it felt to finally get my past off my chest when I confessed everything to Jax. There’s shame in secrets. Once those secrets are out in the open, the shame is gone. You might even wonder why you were ashamed in the first place.
“Sit down,” I tell her. “I’ll pour you another tea. I have a story to tell you.”
Chapter 27
Amy has tears in her eyes. I’ve told her everything, every last detail. Most of the time, my eyes have been on my coffee cup. Some of the memories are still pretty raw, pretty painful. Like that last night. The last time he hit me. The time I decided was the last time.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around inside you for so long,” Amy says quietly. “I can’t believe you’ve been walking around with this in your heart. You poor thing.” She reaches across the table, squeezing my hand.
“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“It’s not! You went through hell. Now…now I guess I understand a little more. Why you weren’t dating. Honestly? I used to question that myself. Why such a nice, pretty person didn’t have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend, whatever. Why you were alone.”
“Now you know.” I shrugged. “It happened. It happens to a lot of people. We just don’t talk about it. Jax was the first person I told.”
“Why did you tell him?”
“Because…he found me. Tommy.”
Amy’s rocked to her core. She covers her mouth with both hands. “Oh, no! I can’t believe it!”
“He was texting me, sending me messages on social media. He’s insane, point-blank.”
“Uh, yeah. He sounds that way. When’s the last time he reached out to you?”
I look over at the wall behind the coffee machines.
There’s that article, framed. Right where I hung it the day I opened the place. I point to it, explaining what I got in the mail yesterday. Why I called Jax, why I didn’t come in this morning.
“Jesus. You should have called the police, too!”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly. Honestly, he just happened to call me a few minutes after I opened the mail. I was desperate. I needed him to protect me.”
“And he did.”
“He did. He came running.”
“Oh…” Amy’s eyes light up. “Even though he’s not supposed to be in town?” I nod. Now she gets it.
“You can see, then, can’t you? Why I feel the way I feel? I can’t turn my back on him. Within minutes, he was at my door. In the house. Inspecting every last inch, just so I would feel safe. Even the crawlspace.” We giggle. It’s so nice to have a girlfriend to talk these things out with.
“I was too afraid to come in to work today,” I explain. “It was too raw, too fresh.”
“Why did you come at all?”
“I had to talk to you. More importantly, I can’t let Tommy rule my life. I can’t. He wins if I let him do that.” I shake my head, pointing to it as I do. “He’s in here. So deep. I have to get him out. He could be hundreds, thousands of miles away. But he’s planted seeds, you know? He might as well be right up in my face all over again, screaming about the butter being too cold to spread on his bread. That’s what he wants, too. I can’t let him have it.”
Amy gets up, gives me a hug. “You’re good people,” she says with a smile once she releases me.
“So are you,” I say.
“And so is Jax,” she adds.
My eyes fill with tears. At least she gets it. One down, the rest of the town to go.
***
We finally close up shop. It’s much later than we have to, I realize. We sat talking for hours, long after closing time normally occurs. It felt so good to get everything off my chest, I completely lost track of time.