Phantoms

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Phantoms Page 11

by Jack Cady

The Faux Paw

  A Dream of Fair Beaches

  Travels—With Particular Emphasis On Camping

  How It Ended

  Notes

  How it All Began

  A dog and two humans—a lady and a gent—sat on a front porch one morning and watched children on their way to school. It was a very nice day filled with colorful autumn leaves. The humans chatted as children hopped about and sang, and as a Golden Retriever named Chester Culpepper Bosworth bounced among them. It was Bosworth’s job to see the children to the bus, and the humans thought the picture a pretty sight; until the dog on the porch gave a long sigh.

  "The world is changing very quickly," the dog said in a quiet voice. She was a brown-chocolately dog with a white blaze on her chest, and floppity ears. "The gentlemanly dog out there tries to do his job correctly, but see how he fails to cover the outside of the pack. He should always herd from the edge of the sidewalk, keeping the herd away from the street." She gave another sigh, and this sigh was definitely sad. "In my day," she murmured, "dogs were rather a bit better at taking charge. These young ones have crude skills and slip-shod manners." Her voice was not, fortunately, as prim as her words.

  "In many ways I agree with you," the man said, although he failed to conceal a smile. The man suffered from a waggish reputation, and some people, and some dogs, complained that he was never, never serious. "Perhaps," the man suggested, "you should write a book that explains the finer elements of the dog business."

  "That is a case in point," the dog replied. "Ladies of my station do not type, although your idea is sound."

  "But people can type," the woman said. "We do that sort of thing all the time. You can tell us what to write, and we will copy it out."

  The dog looked at the woman, and the dog’s eyes were sparkly with love, although they also held a smidgen of uncertainty.

  "That would be very kind of you," the dog said, "but there may be editorial problems." She sniffed the back of the man’s hand. "Just as I thought. He is already too excited."

  "Between the two of us, I believe we can keep him under control," the woman said.

  "He is wry as well as waggish."

  "I am the soul of decorum," the man protested, "and I am ready to begin. Let’s give it a shot."

  And so the three sat around the typewriter through long fall and winter evenings as the dog, Miss Molly Manners, dictated the book that follows:

  A Word About Breeding

  I am one of a litter of seven, and even before our eyes were open our dear mater began to teach manners. As we pups grew, and embarked on careers, the wisdom of our good parent became evident. Each of my brothers and sisters has gone on to remarkable success. The largest—and I fear rowdiest—of my brothers now owns his own auto parts business; with injured autos stacked in neat rows behind chain link fence. A second brother is a police sergeant, and a third is a captain in the Army; for there is a military strain on both sides of the family. Two sisters own herds of sheep, and one sister (adventure is also a family characteristic) runs a sled team in Alaska. The family functions beautifully across a wide spectrum, and it is largely due to the inner elegance that rises from dear mater’s teaching. We early on learned to make the following distinctions:

  Protocols between canines are reasonably well understood. Centuries of breeding have allowed dogs of all nationalities to develop civilized communication. It is thus true that the German Schnauzer and the Mexican Hairless are quite capable of discourse, and of enjoying each other’s company. Even dogs of mixed breed—or perhaps they especially—are capable of drawing on the best manners of the breeds.

  My own family, for example, stems from two proud lines. On the maternal side we trace our heritage through generation after generation of Labrador Retrievers (of the chocolate persuasion), while the paternal side is pure Brittany Spaniel; and it is largely from that side of the family that we inherit a tiddly-bit of British accent. In fact, these pages follow the Englishy tracking style of the true spaniel, zigging and zagging and owning their share of wobbles. One need only trail along in true spaniel fashion. If the trail goes cold, simply backtrack and regain the scent, a scent always flavored with culture and manners. The calm and steadiness of our mater will be complimented by the (sometimes boundless) enthusiasm of dear pater. Thus, it will be understood that when encountering fellow dogs, we are readily able to join in thoughtful communication, or in play.

  Problems with breeding do not really occur until we turn to our relationships with humans, and it is toward that relationship that we embark. The book examines the canine-human relationship, including a section for the instruction of puppies. It then considers relationships with other animals. The third and final section discusses specific social situations, sometimes with humans.

  We may only say at the beginning that it would be most unkind, and certainly not courteous, to look into the breeding of the human race. The best that may be said is that the human background is a frightful mix. The worst that may be said, will in a book of manners, not be.

  Yet humans are a part of our lives, often a welcome part. We assume that humans were first attracted to dogs because, in dark and ancient days, humans feared the night. They also feared lions and volcanoes. Companionship with their own kind was insufficient, and life was obviously dreadful. They turned to the dog, and they became our loyal companions. The human who pledges love and loyalty to a dog is usually answered in kind, and that human is lucky, lucky.

  Our relationships with them are far more workable after a bit of training, a subject to which we may momentarily turn.

  Despite obvious limitations, humans are surprisingly teachable, and most of them seem eager to please. You’ll soon discover that the learning problems your humans encounter have to do with misunderstanding your desires. The dears want to obey, but cannot figure out your meanings. In order to train a human you really have to think like a human; never an easy task, but one that usually succeeds when undertaken in a spirit of patience, courtesy, and kindness. Civilized behavior, after all, is what we seek.

  When thinking like a human it is necessary to virtually abandon the most important of the senses. Humans, although they sport prominent and often inquisitive noses, cannot even smell a gerbil at ten paces, leave alone five hundred. They depend largely on their eyes, and moderately on their ears.

  Let us suppose, for example, that you wish to train your humans to come to you. Rather than exhaust everyone in a game of chase (at which humans have no chance of success) it is not indelicate to use their infirmity to assist their understanding. I suggest that you feign enormous interest in a particularly lush and grassy spot of lawn or golf course. Show great excitement, as if your own keen sense of smell has detected a gopher. Begin to dig with great enthusiasm. Your human will come immediately, since it appears that the creatures cannot resist the possibility of retrieving a gopher.

  Or, perhaps you are sufficiently rested after a nap beside the fireplace, and wish to take a stroll in the cool of the evening. You attempt to communicate with humans and find them obtuse.[1] There is no excuse at this point for ruffian behavior such as barking, whining, moaning, or pawing at the rug or door. Simply get the leash and stand beside the door. Raise your tail as high as it will go, and adopt a puzzled but worried look. Humans, for reasons that are not completely understood, will universally respond to this signal.

  In my experience I’ve found that humans learn rather well in the context of play. When convinced that joy is the object, they are easily taught to throw a ball or a stick. Many of them can even learn to ride a bicycle if you trot politely beside them offering moral support.[2]

  These examples, and others we are to later see, should be studied at some length by the dog of refined sensibility. Our society has evolved to a high plane since the days when our ancestors dwelt in dens and caves. It is only right that we cultivate the finest graces of manners, so that these graces will serve as an example in an otherwise troubled world.[3]

  If you
set the example for humans and for cats (these two comprise the most obstinate of the many species) you may be sure your endeavors will succeed. Perhaps you will not turn your humans into charm school graduates, and cats will never completely lose their sharp edges, but you will have made your world, and theirs, a far more pleasant place. A wonderfully large number of lovely humans have learned most of their social behavior from canine associates.

  Selecting Your Human

  How sad it is to meet a dog who has shown poor judgment in the choice of a human. In my travels I meet many such unhappy cases: Pomeranians in charge of two-hundred-pound monsters (who the Poms must dutifully drag home from ice cream parlors), or Mastiffs controlling their natural large urges because they have befriended a human who weighs less than the smallest Saint Bernard. Although affection may certainly exist in these relationships, it is an affection with only partial fulfillment.

  Remember, the human who first comes bouncing toward you may not be the human who will best suit your needs. The young dog should study the characteristics of breed. It would be the height of folly for Retrievers to choose from the breeds of Bowler or Pool Player, since the balls used in such games are unsatisfactory. Golfers look interesting at first blush, but prove tedious. A human with an affinity for softball is ideal.

  Or suppose one is a Beagle. The rule here is: ‘Do not adopt a surfer’; a good rule, in fact, for any dog (although a few Newfoundlands who own lower than average morals have prospered).

  When it came to choosing my own humans I surveyed a rather large field, for few humans exhibit every characteristic the individual dog might desire. I chose Miss Lovely and Rags because Miss Lovely likes to dance or run, and Rags likes to throw things (especially balls, sticks, and an occasional party), and because he is jolly.

  The lesson, then, is one that asks young dogs to review their needs and choose accordingly. It is quite difficult to pass up the soulful look of a hopeful human, but you do yourself and that human no favor by making a poor choice.

  Naming Your Human:

  Will it be Spaught or Mr. Janders

  In naming your human it is well to pay close attention to his or her appearance and propensities. How many, many unfortunate males bear the unhappy name of Ralph, simply because it is easy to pronounce? Ralph is a very nice name, as we may all agree, but it is not suitable for those fleet humans who are best named Shadow or Scout. My own male, Rags, earned his name through his disheveled and comical appearance, as well as his inordinate interest in garage sales.

  My female, Miss Lovely, is a welcome contrast to Rags. She is sleek, soft spoken, and cultured. Whereas Rags will burp or even scratch at a dog show, Miss Lovely orders her behavior in a considerate way that ennobles all around her, even the irrepressible Rags. It would be an error, though, to believe that culture and jollity cannot combine. Miss Lovely is greatly sought after by both talk show hosts and Sunday schools, since each is intrigued by her ability to put a wicked spin on any conversation.

  In the naming of humans trust to two simple guidelines and you will not run astray:

  Overlook any name humans have given to themselves or to each other. These are often based on the names of ancestors, or movie stars, or comic book heroes. Nothing more need be said.

  Eschew pet names such as "Cutsie," "Honey-huggums," or "Muffin Mix." Calling out such in public thoroughfares or in parks is liable to bring out other humans with whom you want nothing to do.

  The Care of Humans

  Research demonstrates human intellectual development as equal to that of an eight-month-old pup, which means that humans are trapped in a continuing state of adolescence; or at least the best of them are.[4] This is what makes them so loveable, and deserving of elegantly descriptive names such as Jolly Boy, and Rompers.

  Like adolescents everywhere, they are given to taking chances while showing little judgment. They are especially susceptible to avalanches, swimming pools, campfires, traffic snarls and lava flows. They tend to fall from high places. Most regrettably, they often forget what they are about and wander off, sometimes into snowstorms.

  The responsible dog knows that adopting a human is a commitment not lightly undertaken, because a human is not a toy. Too often, after the newness of the relationship wears off, the care of humans is undertaken with a grudging spirit. If, however, a bit of time and thought are dedicated to the care of humans, the average dog will find both satisfaction and enjoyment in the endeavor. The thoughtful owner should follow a few simple guidelines, pursuing them in a kindly and civilized spirit.

  eating: Never interfere with these creatures while they are eating, unless they offer to share. If this should happen, you have an opportunity to train them to good table manners. Sit quietly and accept their donations with simple good grace (if such donations are edible). Sometimes they will offer to share something that does not take your fancy, lemonade or sauerkraut. Decline politely, and wait to see if there are other offerings.

  walking: They have a frightful tendency to get off leash, and off heel. A bit of corrective action at the beginning of the relationship will save just worlds of bother later.

  When off heel you can bring them back by bracing with all four feet and emitting a sharp command. Some handlers feel that a yowl should be used at this juncture, but I have found a precise yip all that is really necessary.

  When off leash one must take command immediately, or they are liable to become confused and dash into traffic. It is best to simply lope beside them while searching for areas into which they may be herded. If one stays slightly ahead, and follows standard herding practice of gentle pressure left or right, the creatures are generally compliant. With really difficult cases, it may be necessary to hide their shoes during some period when they are asleep.

  sleeping: Their patterns are peculiar. They miss the choice parts of the night and stay awake during the dullest parts of the day. They will spend an evening beside a nice fireplace and never blink. Then they will yawn and go to bed for eight hours. A few of them, such as my Rags, understand naps; but very few, I fear. Rags does not, therefore, get the credit he deserves.

  Rather than try to change their sleep patterns, it is best to simply take charge of the bed. The courteous dog will choose the foot of the bed. It is possible to nap there with practically no discomfort to anyone.

  going out into the world: You could retrieve the newspaper from that icy front lawn, but if they wish to do so, so be it.

  making trips alone: Some humans are solitary creatures. They leave the house on most mornings and do not return until evening. This is disconcerting, since it breaks the rhythm and order of the pack. It is proper to make a bit of a fuss when they leave, but do not scold when they return. Remember: the recall must always be a pleasant experience, no matter if it follows an admittedly shabby performance.

  housecleaning: You can help by barking at the vacuum cleaner. It is a cheery business to joust with the thing, and it makes your humans laugh. Thus is a dull chore brightened.

  baths: People take so many baths because their bodies are not supple and their tongues are too short. Humans are good at a great many things, but they cannot lick worth a snip. Some dogs like to participate in a bath by hanging over the edge of the tub. The main hazard is a dab of soap on one’s nose if one associates with a human who has clownish propensities.

  under-petting: They occasionally become preoccupied and do not give enough ear and brisket rubs. Do not nag. Simply sit before them and whine in your most plaintive manner. They are relatively intelligent creatures, and rapidly learn this command.

  depression: You are at your best when they are depressed. You should first recall their loyalty to you, and give some indication that it is respected and well received. The simple gesture of placing one paw on their knee as they sit, or bringing them a squeaky toy if they are standing, works wonders. You cannot always make them happy, but you can almost always make them less sad.

  moving to a new house: They are such creatures of habi
t that any move is traumatic. It is imperative that they not be reminded of good times at the old address, but be enticed by the promise of good times at the new address. Your best gesture is to root around behind the refrigerator. Draw forth your hidden treasure of old socks and well-seasoned bones. Stack them beside the doorway.

  exercise: This is one of the tedious arenas in which we and our humans perform. Some humans, such as my Miss Lovely, are fleet runners and bouncers who present few problems when it comes to conditioning. Other humans, such as my Rags, require daily attention. If Rags is not walked, and vigorously, he tends to drift about the house while talking to himself and bumping into things. It is a bother on wet or cold night to take him around the block, and sooner or later all dogs face similar situations. Remember the happy times, however, and you will gladly give the small personal investment it takes to keep your human reasonably fit.

  A Primer for Puppies

  The joys of puppyhood are greatly enhanced when the young dog receives the careful guidance all youth deserve, and it is never too soon to lay foundations on which may be built that cultured and dignified presence the well-mannered dog displays. Even the youngest puppies may be introduced to principles of good behavior. While each parent will wish to interpret what follows with his or her own emphasis, we may generally agree that the young dog should have knowledge of the following:

  crotch sniffing: As we all know, the dog, through superior intellect and sensory ability, communicates with information supplied by the nose. The normal and desirable sniffing that goes on between dogs is, however, denied the human species. There are a goodly number of reasons (most of them more or less unmentionable) why one should not attempt to communicate with a human in this manner.

  puppy love: There is nothing more comprehensive in the world than puppy love, but as the young dog grows and gains weight the following formula will eventually obtain:

  Strength + velocity

  _________________________ = "OFF"

  Love x trajectory

 

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