by Andrian, V.
It’s dark when I go back inside the cabin. I’ve kept the fire going and checked the river and the hot spring for Damon. He’s nowhere. I don’t know what it means, if I should be worried or not but I am definitely scared. If he’s not hurt then he must have left to be away from me. I’ve driven him away from his own home.
I crawl into bed without being able to hold back the tears any longer. They fall in a stream that feels like it’s my soul seeping out of me. He has to come back. He can’t leave like this. He has to come back.
Damon hasn’t come back and it’s the second night I go to bed with him gone. I haven’t eaten anything, not because there’s nothing I can cook but because I think I might throw up anything that gets into my stomach. I only sip on some water and wait. He has to come back. This is his home and he said he has found peace here. A peace that I’ve disrupted. If he doesn’t come back tomorrow, I will leave and let him go on with his life as it was before I made a mess of it. I don’t care if I get lost in the forest or eaten by a bear. I just want to let him find his peace again.
I’m startled awake by the door being pushed open. My vision is blurry at first and I don’t immediately register what it is I’m seeing. That’s Damon alright but he’s not alone. I blink a few times and finally am able to make out three men and a woman standing in the doorway, looking at me.
“Damon?” I ask dumbfounded.
I turn to look at him but he’s not looking at me. He squats in front of the fireplace and rearranges the burning logs. The people in the doorway move into the room and approach me slowly. They’re asking if I’m okay, telling me their names and that they’re here to take me home. It’s as if their voices are coming through a tunnel. Their words mean nothing. The one thing I care about is the man currently ignoring me.
“Miss Hale, are you listening?” the woman asks.
I blink slowly and face her. “Sure,” I say blankly.
“I need to check your leg before we know if we’ll be able to move you.”
I shake my head and blink some more. “No, it’s okay. I can walk.”
“Are you sure, Miss Hale? We have a stretcher with us. We can carry you if your ankle is still swollen.”
I push to my feet to prove my words. My ankle isn’t swollen and it doesn’t hurt much. It’s still not perfectly healed but there’s no way I’m being carried away from here. I’m barely holding myself from throwing up. Damon brought people to take me away, made sure I was leaving whether my foot was healed or not. My stomach is in a tight knot and my limbs are cold. If he wants me gone then I’ll go. No point in breaking my heart more than it already is.
I walk to him as straight as I can and hold out my hand. I don’t want to seem cold and detached – even though that’s what he’s doing – but I also don’t know how else to say goodbye in front of all these people. “Thank you, Damon, for everything. And I’m sorry if I was a burden all these days.” I lean forward a bit, to breathe in his scent and also lower my voice just so only he can hear. “I’ll tell your brother you’re alive but don’t want to come back. I’ll try my best so he won’t bother you again and I only hope he believes me and doesn’t send someone other than me.”
He finally turns to face me but his eyes are fixed on my extended, trembling hand. My heart gallops at the prospect of him taking it, of feeling his touch one last time. What I don’t expect is for him to take a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket and place it in my hand.
“Give this to Cole. It will give him the kind of closure he needs so we can both go on with our lives. Read it if you want.”
He says all that while looking at my hand that is now holding the letter tightly. And then he finally looks up and his eyes are filled with pain and unshed tears. He takes that last step towards me and takes my face in his hands. My own hands immediately settle on his hips and grab fistfuls of his shirt.
He places a feather-light kiss on my lips that breaks the dam that was holding back my tears. They are silent tears though. I’m not asking him to change his mind with these tears. These are tears of goodbye and thanks.
“You were never a burden, Cassandra. You were a dream that I’m just not worthy of holding on to. I won’t ever forget a single moment I spent with you. But I do hope you’ll forget about me. That you’ll forget about the pain I caused you because I didn’t want to cause it, baby. You say you don’t regret anything but I do. I regret you finding me. I regret you being with me. I regret you falling for me. And not because I didn’t enjoy every fucking moment of it but because of the pain I see in your beautiful eyes. Nothing is worth this, Cassandra. And for that I wish I could take it all back but I fucking can’t. So, please, just go and forget about me. Please, baby.”
“Never,” I breathe as I cry harder. “There is one thing you can be sure of and that is I’ll never forget about you. You may think you’re unworthy but I don’t. And I certainly believe that I was worthy of feeling like this. Of feeling so strongly for the first time in my life. To me that’s worth any pain, Damon.” I lean forward, placing a salty kiss on the corner of his lips. A droplet falls on the tip of my nose that was sliding down his cheek, the first of his own tears. “Thank you, Damon. For saving my life. I love you.”
And with that I turn around and all but run outside, not giving him the chance to answer me. The men and woman that were brought here to take me back to civilization had stepped out at some point, probably to give Damon and me some privacy. As soon as I see them I tell them I’m ready to go and then I don’t remember anything else from the walk back to reality. My mind has stayed in that cabin, with Damon, along with my heart. And after I call Layla and tell her I’m okay and on my way, after I talk to the local police, after I’m checked in the local health center and after I’m given a warm room and a warm bed to sleep in until my flight the next day, I cry some more for the man I left behind. For everything he gave me and then took away. And I know that I will never forget about him. I will never find a man to love more than I do him.
“You freaking psycho,” Layla screams when she finally wraps her arms around me with tears in her eyes. “You nearly missed it, Cassie. I would have never forgiven you if you’d missed your nephew’s birth!”
As soon as I landed in DC, a driver was waiting for me at the airport. He had been hired by Dean to get me to the hospital. Apparently, this morning Layla’s water broke and she went into labor. I reached the hospital and got in the waiting room in the exact moment Dean was coming out with tears in his eyes. He wrapped me in his arms, told me how happy he was that I was okay and safely back and that Layla had just given birth to his son. He had then ushered me to the room to meet my nephew and my best friend who was crying in relief as soon as her eyes were on me.
I pat her hair and smile. I may be screaming on the inside from the pain of leaving Damon but I’m deliriously happy to see my friends and the baby. “But I didn’t,” I tell her calmly. “I came back in time. Little Elijah and I had it all planned from the start.”
She lets out a strangled laugh and holds me tighter. “Elijah, huh? Is it a coincidence that you have a boy’s name picked already for your godson?”
I smile wider and pull back to meet her eyes. “Did you just offer me the esteemed position of being you baby’s godmother?”
She smacks my arm and sniffles. “You’d better accept or I’m never forgiving you for disappearing on me and making me think you were dead!”
I laugh just as I tear up. “Alright, already. It doesn’t sound like I have a choice though I definitely wouldn’t have it any other way.”
We hear a throat being cleared behind me and I turn to look at Dean, holding a small bundle and looking beyond ecstatic. The baby is shaking its tiny arms around and whining lowly. “Excuse me, ladies but my son is hungry.”
I step back and he places little Elijah in Layla’s hands, where she uncovers her breast and starts feeding him. My eyes are fixed on the tiny angel and it only takes a look Dean’s way to see that he is mesmeri
zed by the sight of his wife feeding his son. I excuse myself, saying that I need to get home, have a shower and promising that I will come back. I have so many explanations to give, so many things to say that I’m already tired just by thinking of it all.
As soon as I’m out of the room my smile falls off, making me realize that no matter how happy I am for my friends, that smile was forced. I get to the hired car and then dismiss the driver when he finally gets me home. I get through the motions of showering and changing clothes completely mechanically. I expect more tears to come but it seems I’m all dried out. I momentarily consider calling Dean and telling him I’m tired and won’t be going over again today, but I really don’t want to be alone right now. So I get in my car and return to the hospital. I make sure though that I have Damon’s letter with me. I plan on visiting the Sawyers family as soon as I’m sure I won’t break down in front of them.
“My brother is alive,” Cole Sawyers says for probably the hundredth time since I told him what I found out in Alaska. It’s not strange that he’s in shock. And it’s not strange that his wife and mother are looking at me in disbelief.
“Do you have any proof?” Mrs. Sawyers asks me skeptically as Victoria rubs Cole’s back in comfort. “Because right now we only have your word that my son is alive and left seven years ago with no intention of ever coming back. That he still doesn’t plan to come back.”
I give her a small nod and dig out the letter from my purse. I try my best to hide how my hands are shaking but I’m not so sure I manage to hide it from the women. Cole is still too shocked to notice anything.
“This letter was given to me by Damon. He thought you’d be skeptical if I told you the story without any proof.”
Cole jumps up from his seat and grabs the paper from my hands. Now I know that my shaking is nothing compared to his. I can literally hear the rustling of the paper from how hard he’s shaking.
“This is his hand-writing. I know it is. Look, Victoria. It’s his, isn’t it?”
Victoria stands beside her husband and looks down at the letter. She presses her lips together and nods a few times as I notice tears gathering in her eyes. “It is. It’s his hand-writing, mother.” Mrs. Sawyers stands too and grabs Victoria’s hand, apparently trusting the words of her son and daughter-in-law. Her eyes are too filled with tears as she realizes I have indeed found her missing son.
“I can’t…” Cole swallows and extends the letter back to me. “Please, read it to us, Cassandra.”
It’s my turn to swallow. I’ve read the letter – not being able to resist at a last piece of Damon – and know already what he writes in it. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold myself together if I read it out loud.
“Please,” Cole repeats and I find myself holding out my hand to take the letter. They all sit back in their seats, looking at me expectantly.
I clear my throat and unfold the letter. Before I realize I’m doing it, the words are flowing out of my mouth in a little more than a whisper.
Cole,
I know it will be hard for you to believe Cassandra’s words when she tells you she has found me and so I figured I’d make it easier for her. I’m alive. I’m well. And I’m not coming back.
Seven years ago, I was doing everything I could to stay with you, stay with what little family I had. You know it wasn’t easy standing up to the man I called a father for many years. You had a glimpse of what I was going through from words I said when I was angry or drunk. I would have never told you under any different circumstances the full extent of my relationship with Chandler Sawyers but I think I need to do so now.
Our father hated me. There is no other word strong enough to describe his feelings for me and no better one either since it’s the very same he used over and over again when he talked to me. Ever since I was old enough to understand, he did everything in his power to let me know exactly how he felt about the son he had illegally “adopted” two years before his real son was born. I won’t take the time to write any of it down since Cassandra is well-informed and can fill you in accordingly if that is what you wish. If you really didn’t know. Because I think you do know and you won’t have to ask her anything at all.
By the time of your twenty-second birthday I was miserable and bitter. And yet I still had hope that he would one day lay off me and just let me be. Until he threatened to do to you everything he had done to me. You have to understand I had lost everything. Money, family, friends. Everything. I couldn’t let him do it all to you and I believed he would. I believed he would hurt you just to hurt me more. I was done. I took his offer and arranged everything. I left on the day of your birthday so I would never have to explain.
When Cassandra told me you’ve been looking for me all these years, all that anger I had inside me in the past returned. Because you were so obliviously unaware that it made me furious. And maybe it was me being unfair or childish but you were also to blame for everything I went through. You could have opened your eyes and seen what I was going through. I wouldn’t have lost our mother’s trust if you had just opened your mouth and told the truth. If I’m wrong and you didn’t know anything then maybe all that anger is misplaced. But not the bitterness. I’m sorry but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of that feeling of disappointment.
Know that I won’t ever come back. Know that, even if I had, if Cassandra had managed to convince me to, I would have stayed away. You, mother and even Victoria disappointed me when I needed you, when I needed people I cared about to stand beside me and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive your ignorance – or worse your indifference. I’m sorry if this letter causes you more pain than my disappearance might have already caused but it’s all the bitter truth.
What matters now is that Cassandra did her job. She found me and – furthermore – said she’ll honor my wishes and not tell you of my whereabouts. I ask that you not send anyone else after me. There is no point and God knows Cassandra almost got killed in the process. And even though I do forgive you all, I don’t want to come back. For better or for worse, I’ve found peace and I want to keep it. It’s the only thing I have left.
Please, give my regards to mother and Victoria. I wish that you all will finally be able to let go of the past and move on properly with your lives.
Damon
Thankful that the clog in my throat is holding back the tears his letter brings, I manage to look up at the Sawyers family. All three of them are crying silently. There’s a part of me that blames them for what I’m going through. For sending me after Damon, for being part of the reason he left in the first place. It’s that part that helps me clear my throat and hand the letter back to Cole.
“Did you know?” I ask calmly, looking at Cole but directing the question to all of them. “When you sent me to find him, did you know why he had left?”
Cole nods and looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I was too ashamed to admit it but I did. Father told everything to mother and me a few days before his episode. And Damon’s right. I knew what he was going through. But I guess a part of me thought – or rather hoped – that father would stop eventually and let Damon be. I don’t know if I ever considered stepping up for him but I’m afraid if I look into it I’ll realize that I didn’t. That I really was that big a coward instead of ignorant.”
Mrs. Sawyers walks up to me until she’s standing right in front of me. I stand to and meet her eye to eye, fully expecting an outburst of anger. When she takes my hands in hers and holds them tightly, I realize she’s shaking too. “Thank you, Miss Hale. Thank you for finding Damon and for keeping his secret, even though a part of me wishes you wouldn’t so I could go and see him. The other part though knows that I don’t ever deserve seeing my son again, not with the way I treated him after the lies my husband fed me. And I knew deep down that they were lies. I’m truly ashamed of the way I acted and completely understand that this punishment I deserve.”
I give her a tight nod with mixed feelings of distaste an
d understanding. I want to yell at her for the way she gave up on him so easily and I want to hug her and cry in her arms because I know how she feels without him around. Instead I give her a sad smile and say, “I only did my job, Mrs. Sawyers.”
Cole Sawyers comes near me and holds his hand out for me to shake. When I do, he covers the back of my hand with his other one and squeezes it lightly. “Thank you, Cassandra. This may not be the outcome I was hoping for but in truth it’s more than I deserve. You’ve done an excellent job.”
I have to swallow again and restrain myself from screaming in his face that this wasn’t a job to me. That I wouldn’t care if I never saw any of the money he had offered me if it meant he had once acted like a real man and stood up for the one person that sacrificed everything just so he could live on with his life. Instead, I give a nod. “I only did my job, Mr. Sawyers. But I’m afraid I have to go now. I have lots to do.”
“Of course,” Victoria says softly with a hand on my arm. “I’ll walk you out.” As we reach the front door of the enormous house, she stops me with another touch on my arm. “Is he really okay?” she asks in a soft whisper. “Does he need anything? I know he said that he doesn’t and he’s not coming back but I can’t help worrying.”
I let out a small sigh. According to Damon, Victoria was the least to blame and he had always cared for her like a little sister. “He says he is, Victoria, and I believe him. I… I tried convincing him to come back. I did. His mind was made up though.”
She studies me and I think sees the pain in my eyes because her expression softens. “This was more to you than just a case, wasn’t it?”
I swallow hard and can’t help the single tear that slips out when I look in her eyes and say, “I fell in love with him.”