It’s a shame because I think I could really like her. She’s smart, witty, sexy, and the fact that she’s not obsessed with her looks is a major turn-on for me. I want to put her at ease, but aside from not knowing how to do that, I’m so overwhelmed with work that I don’t have time to worry about anything else. Hell, I don’t even have time to breathe at the moment.
I’ve been looking forward to this fellowship for a long time, and I’m frustrated that it’s taking me longer to settle into it than I thought it would. The hours are long, and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I never realized how good I had it where I was, until now. I’m sure that once I get used to the workload, things will be better, but it’s not just that I’m struggling with.
I’ve been on the kid’s cardiac rotation all week, and it’s really getting me down having to work with patients who have barely had time to live between their doctors’ visits and lengthy hospital stays. I can’t stand watching them suffer through something that might end up killing them anyway. Sickness is never easy, but at least you can almost justify it in someone who’s eighty or ninety because they’ve lived a full life. They’ve done things and seen things that some of these kids haven’t. They don’t deserve this. I guess that’s what makes it so satisfying when you do manage to help them. Knowing you’ve done something to improve their quality of life is what makes it all worthwhile.
Today has been a particularly rough day because I’ve been working alongside Professor Lincoln Lewin, one of the best children’s cardiac specialists in the country and one of the reasons I wanted Mercy. Working with sick kids is hard enough, but when you throw in working with one of your professional idols—who also happens to be as intimidating as hell—it’s a whole new set of pressures.
“Are you keeping up with me?” Lewin asks as we head toward our next patient—our last for today. “Because I’ve saved the best till last.”
“I’m ready.” I nod, as we stop outside a room.
“Ben Saunders,” Lewin begins. “Eight years old. He’s been in and out of the hospital for most of his life, thanks to numerous medical issues. They were being controlled by a regime of medications until last month when his heart started failing. He’s on the waiting list for a transplant, but with his rare blood type, finding a match is proving difficult.”
I nod and follow him into the room, already feeling sorry for this poor kid.
“Linc,” the boy says, his face lighting up.
“Ben, my man. How’s my best patient doing?” Lewin asks, ruffling his hair.
Ben nods and holds up an Xbox controller, a triumphant smile on his freckled face. He brushes his dark hair back into place and smiles a toothy grin, but behind that happy attitude is a very tired and sick little boy.
“Top score again. You wanna try and beat me again or are you too chicken?” he taunts.
I glance at Lewin, a small smile on my lips. Again? I can’t picture Lincoln Lewin doing anything remotely fun. Lewin catches my look and winks.
“What?” He shrugs, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “I’m a natural. I kill it at Mission Corpse Three.”
“Uh-huh.” I grin.
While Lewin plays Mission Corpse Three, I run through Ben’s care plan, checking his stats, his latest blood results, and the results of his recent scans. They’re all indicating the same thing: that this transplant needs to happen soon, or it might be too late.
My heart pounds as I watch this little boy and Lewin argue about their technique for bringing down a particularly nasty zombie. I admire Lewin for being able to just sit there and focus on making this kid’s day just a little bit brighter. I’m snapped out of my thoughts by Lewin slapping me on the back. He walks out with me close behind him.
“You okay?” Lewin asks.
I nod, forcing a smile. “Just sick kids, you know?”
“Sure. It does get easier. I mean, it’s always hard, but you learn to internalize it.” He glances at me. “Take a break now if you like, then we can finish up by going over the reports together.”
“What will happen to Ben?” I ask suddenly. As if I even need to ask.
Lewin shrugs. “We hope like hell we find a donor soon.”
I walk away, thinking about Ben and Lewin. I appreciate the break more than he knows. He could be riding me even harder and pushing me to break, like many of the specialists at his level do, but he’s not. He’s recognizing that I’m struggling, and he’s giving me the chance to take a breath. Any apprehension I had about working with Lewin has long gone because now all I have left for this guy is admiration. If I can be half the doctor this guy is one day, I’ll be happy.
I grab a coffee and something to eat from the cafeteria, and then I head up to the roof. I don’t know why I thought that I would have more time moving into this fellowship program, compared to residency. I don’t think I was expecting just how fast-paced and full-on this program was going to be. I don’t regret it for a second, but it’s a big adjustment.
I walk out onto the roof, breathing a sigh of relief when I see that I’m alone. I’ve been out here a few times, thanks to Lewin’s pack-a-day addiction. Both times it was quiet, so it seemed like a good place to come and think. Looking around me, I lean over the edge of the building, gazing out over the city skyline while having a mouthful of my coffee. After a while, I sit down and lean against the barrier, closing my eyes. I feel like I need a day off to get my head around everything and maybe catch up on some sleep—not that I’d ever ask for it.
I sit there, just enjoying the silence for a moment, frowning when I hear the door open. I’m annoyed that my moment has been interrupted, but I probably should be getting back to work anyway. The handle turns, and I’m shocked to see Laura standing there. She steps out, stopping in her tracks when she sees me. Her grip on the door loosens until it slips out of her hands completely and slams shut. She jumps and flushes as she smiles at me.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were out here,” she says.
“Obviously, or you wouldn’t be here.” I feel bad that she feels so uncomfortable around me still, even if it is amusing.
“I’m looking for Professor Lewin,” she says, ignoring my comment. “Doctor Ballan needs a cardiac consult, and she said that I’d probably find him out here.”
“Sorry to disappoint you,” I say. “Just me.”
She nods and turns around, yanking the door handle. She grabs it again, but nothing happens. She turns back to me, alarmed. I get the message and get to my feet, sauntering over to her. The handle turns freely in my hand. Too freely.
“It’s broken.”
I think back to the two other times I’ve been out here. Both times something was propping open the door. Shit. I wish I’d realized that earlier.
“Broken?” she repeats, alarm rising in her voice. “Well, can you un break it?”
“Not locked out here I can’t.”
I bang against the door, calling out, but my shouting goes unheard. Eventually, I give up and walk back over to the barrier and sit down.
“What are you doing?” she frowns.
“Nobody is going to hear us, so why waste the energy trying? We have to wait it out.” I shrug. I’m not getting too worked up about it because someone will find us eventually.
“Where’s your phone?” she asks.
I smirk. “In my locker. Right next to my pager. Where’s yours?”
“Flat. And the first pager I was given kept going off randomly, so Ballan was going to chase up another one for me.” She frowns at me. “Why are you even out here, anyway?”
“I’m having my dinner.”
“There’s a cafeteria for that, you know.”
“So? I wanted some fresh air.”
“Which is usually an indicator that something is wrong,” she muses. “Are you coping okay with the workload? I hear it’s a big change, moving into a fellowship program.”
I look up at her and smirk. “I think I liked it better when you ignored me.”
“Really? Well, that can be arranged,” she retorts. She walks over and sits down next to me. “So… is everything okay?” she asks.
I sigh. She’s not going to give up until I answer.
“Everything is fine. It’s just adjusting to a new routine. New faces… I think the magnitude of what I’m doing is finally hitting me.”
“Are you enjoying it?” she asks.
I glance at her. This is the most she’s said to me the entire time I’ve known her. Well, with the exception of that first night, but I was the one asking the questions then.
“Hard. Especially when the patients are kids.”
She nods. “Kids are always hard. So, why cardiac?”
I shrug. “I’ve always been fascinated with the heart, I guess. It seemed right that I focus on that as a specialty,” I explain. “Besides, imagine all the pick-up lines I can use with that profession.” She groans while I chuckle to myself. “So, what about you? Do you know what you plan to specialize in?”
“Fertility and reproductive science,” she immediately replies. She glances at me, embarrassed.
“Really? That’s impressive,” I say, genuinely meaning it. “And very competitive. I’m assuming that’s why you’re here?”
She nods. “I thought it might be easier to get my foot into the fellowship program for next year if I was already working here. Only now that I’m here, I see that nearly everyone else apparently has the same idea,” she says with a laugh.
“What is it about reproduction that interests you so much?” I ask. “Besides the obvious,” I joke, winking at her. She glowers at me.
“Pretty much everything,” she says. “Just being able to give people the chance to be parents that they might not have otherwise had…” She looks down at her hands and smiles. “It just feels pretty special to play God like that.” She looks at me. “How long do you think we’ll be out here?”
“Knowing how often Lewin goes through cigarettes, probably not that long.”
She laughs at that.
“So, do you like it here? How does it compare to Orange…?” Her voice trails off at the mention of the hospital where we met. It’s clearly sparked some bad memories because suddenly, she’s closed off and glancing down at her hands again, but I pretend not to notice.
“I honestly like the fact that it’s a smaller hospital. But, it’s a completely different program which is much more intensive than I’m used to. And to be honest? Some of the surgeons here are real assholes.”
“Only some?” she teases. “I can’t think of a single one that doesn’t intimidate me.” She smiles and shakes her head. “Everyone else is really nice, but I feel totally in over my head.” She sighs and rubs her temples, before glancing my way again.
“Hey, can we start over? Like really start over? I’m sick of feeling like I want to pass out every time I see you.”
“Sure. If we could do that, I’d love it,” I say. I can’t believe my luck. “I meant what I said about wanting us to be friends. Matt’s right. We do have a lot in common, and I think if it wasn’t for…” I pause. “If the dinner party was our first meeting, things would be different. I’d have totally asked you out.”
“Really?” She looks over at me like she doesn’t quite believe that.
“Are you kidding?” I laugh. “You’re smart, intelligent, incredibly sexy… you’re the whole package.” I smile at her. “What happened isn’t stopping me from asking you out. I don’t care about that at all.”
“Then what is it?”
“The fact that I’m pretty sure you’d say no,” I admit. “Especially after I rocked up to your apartment like that.”
“Which leads to my next question,” she says. “What are your plans? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but were you planning on finding somewhere to live or just move in with my brother permanently?”
I chuckle. “I have a lease on a place not far from yours. I just can’t move in for another three weeks.”
“Ah, that makes sense.”
“Where did you go to college? Around here?” I ask her.
“Seattle. You?”
“I did both a business degree and then my pre-med at UCLA.” I grin.
“Right, of course,” she says with a laugh. “With Matt. I forgot about that.” Her cheeks flush with color. “Are you from around here?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, I’m originally from Manhattan, actually.”
“Wow, that must be a big change, then. Living here?”
“Yes and no. It’s more laid-back but just as busy.”
“I’ve never been to New York,” she says. “Aside from Seattle, I haven’t really ventured too far from home at all. I’ve always wanted to travel, though.”
“I spent a year in Europe,” I offer. “It was great to get away from everything and just live.”
She shakes her head. “As amazing as getting out there and seeing the world sounds, I don’t think I could handle being away from my family for that long. That makes me a bit of a loser, doesn’t it?”
“Not at all,” I assure her. “A close family is a great thing to have and a valid reason not to travel.”
Not that I would know what a close family is.
“I think I’d struggle to go overseas for a week, let alone a year…” She glances at me. “I’m sorry; I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”
I laugh. “It’s okay. I kind of like it. It sure beats when you won’t talk to me.”
She leans her head back against the bricks behind us and sighs.
“I’m really sorry about that. I was just so…” She shakes her head.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed,” I say softly. “Shit happens, you know.”
“It’s not even that I’m embarrassed about the incident itself. It’s more that I can’t stop thinking about the kind of person you must think I am when what you’re thinking is probably so far from the truth.”
“Well, let’s test that out,” I suggest. She stares at me, alarmed. I laugh. “I look at you and see a smart, incredibly sexy, woman, who’s comfortable enough with herself to try new things.”
“Whereas I feel like some awkward klutz who tries to be more than what she really is and gets stuck in a cycle of embarrassing situations.”
I chuckle. “You’re way too harsh on yourself.”
She shrugs. “Maybe.”
I glance at my watch again. Laura does too.
“I’m surprised we’ve been out here for this long without anyone looking for us,” she mutters. “Have they even noticed that we’re not there? I guess that says a lot about how much of an impact we’re having if no one is even missing us.”
“They probably think we just went home. It was so close to the end of the day,” I reply. I’m sure Lewin probably thinks I just misunderstood what he was suggesting.
“Leaving without telling them is kind of unprofessional, isn’t it?” She frowns. “I think I’d rather they don’t think about me at all than think I’d do something like that.”
I get up and walk over to the door again, trying to turn the handle, even though I know it’s not going to open. I sigh and put my hands behind my head then wander over to the edge. I stare out over the skyline. Laura looks up at me, a wistful expression on her face. Her eyes dart to the sky, and she smiles.
“At least it’s not raining.”
“But now you’ve said that…” I tease.
She laughs until she puts her hands out in front of her. I close my eyes as I feel tiny drops of rain hitting me in the face.
“I blame you for this,” I say.
“I’ll accept that.” She grins. “But really, who doesn’t like standing in the rain, in the freezing cold, when you’re locked out on a roof?”
I smile and watch her stare up at the sky, laughing as the drops of rain explode on her face. I have to admit, I like this happy, relaxed side of her.
Let’s hope I see more of it.
Chapter Six
Laura
“So much for Lewin being out here every five minutes,” I say, glancing at Luke. I shake my head as he winces.
“Yeah, I probably jinxed us when I said that too, huh?”
We’ve been sitting outside for close to two hours now, and not one person has come outside. If this is really the go-to place for all the smokers, then everyone on shift today must not smoke. My stomach grumbles loudly, reminding me that I missed breakfast again.
At least the rain has stopped.
The funny thing is I’m kind of glad to have been forced into a situation where I have to talk to Luke. He looks over at me, then offers me his half empty cup of coffee.
“It’s probably cold, but it might settle your stomach for a little while,” he offers.
I smile at him and take it, only because I have no idea how long we’re going to be out here.
“You and Matt seem to get on well,” he comments.
“We do. He’s great, but you probably know that. So, you two went to college together?”
Luke nods. “Yeah. We were in the same dorm, before…” His voice trails off.
“Before what?” I ask tentatively, not sure whether what he was going to say is too personal.
“My father died suddenly during my senior year. I struggled and ended up taking a year off.”
“Wow,” I say, feeling a pang of sympathy for him. “That must’ve been hard.
“It was. I ended up traveling around the UK for the year just to try and put everything out of my mind, I guess.”
“Did it work?”
“Avoiding reality?” He smiles. “Not really. It just delayed me having to face it, which I guess was all I really needed anyway.”
I know that feeling well.
“I kind of went the opposite way when I lost my dad in my senior year of high school,” I admit. “I didn’t sleep for days at a time, and I put all of my energy and focus into studying. But it was the same sort of deal, I guess. That was my way of blocking everything out to avoid facing it. Matt handled it so much better. He was there for me and my mom.”
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