“Hey,” Laura says. She hands me the coffees and crouches down. “You must be Allie.”
“Yup. Are those for me?” she asks, eyeing the donuts.
Laura laughs and glances at me. “You better ask your dad.”
“Fine, just don’t tell your aunt.”
Allie cheers and takes the bag over to the couch, where she sprawls out and watches TV. I follow Laura over to the table and sit down, taking a sip of my coffee. I watch Allie, a bittersweet feeling stirring inside me.
“That’s the first time anyone has referred to me as her dad,” I admit.
“Sorry, I hope I didn’t put my foot in it,” Laura says.
I shake my head. “No, I liked it. If anything, it reminded me again of what I’ve missed out on.” I turn back to Laura, just in time to see the guilt flash through her eyes. I reach for her hand and shake my head firmly.
“Don’t do that,” I murmur.
“I’m trying not to, trust me,” she says with a soft laugh. “So, how are things going?”
“Good. No, great, actually. I’m enjoying getting to know her. We’ve got a long way to go, but…” My voice trails off as I meet Laura’s eyes and smile. I stare at her hand in mine and run my finger over hers. “She’s going back on Monday with Abbey.”
“How do you feel about that?” Laura asks.
I shrug. “Okay, I guess? I’m still processing everything. The guilt is amazing,” I admit.
“Why are you feeling guilty?” She frowns.
“Because I wasn’t there for her. I just feel like I should’ve known. She must have thought I’d abandoned her.”
“But it’s not your fault. How could you have known if Maya didn’t tell you?”
“I didn’t say it was rational.” I laugh.
“What matters is that you’re there for her now, right?”
I nod and swallow the lump in my throat, then tighten my grip around her hand. The only problem with that is how do I do that when we’re thousands of miles apart?
“You matter too,” I say gruffly.
“I’m not going to come between you and her,” she says.
I glare at her. “What does that mean? After the last few nights, I thought—”
“I’m not ending things with you, Luke. I’m just giving you the option of having an out, if you want it.”
“Well, I don’t. I love you,” I say.
I reach up and wipe the tears from her eyes, wishing I could also take the fear hiding in them.
“What if I can’t do this?” she whispers. “I don’t want to make things harder for you.”
“Then we deal with it. But right now? I can’t let you walk away from me. I won’t let you.”
She opens her mouth to respond, when her phone rings. She glances down, her expression changing.
“It’s Marina. She wants to see me.” Her eyes meet mine. “I better go.”
“Congratulations,” I say. I take the opportunity to lean over and kiss her while Allie is still mesmerized by the TV.
Laura shakes her head. “Don’t jinx me.”
“Call me and let me know, okay?”
She nods and breathes out.
“I will.”
Chapter Sixteen
Laura
“Thanks for coming in.”
I sit in Marina’s office my hands fidgeting in my lap. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so nervous in my life.
“I’ll start by saying congratulations.” She smiles at me from across the desk. “I’ve chosen you to participate in the research project with me.”
“Really?” I squeal. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “Thank you so much.” I sit there dumbfounded, because this is so surreal. “I don’t know what to say,” I add.
“Then I’ll do the talking. Your essay is what got me. I asked you to convince me as to why you wanted this and stand yourself out. You did that. Your response was head and shoulders, above the rest. Even without factoring in what you’ve been through, everything you wrote resonated with me. That, combined with your outstanding college results is what sealed this for you.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Don’t thank me, just prove me right.” She smiles at me. “I think that with the right support, you’ll be a leader in this field. I’m looking forward to seeing what you can achieve.”
She hands me a stack of information so thick, it makes my stomach flip.
“This looks overwhelming, but it’s really not. Most of it is just basic information on the project and what I expect from you. It also covers housing arrangements, things like that, and how this research will lead into your fellowship next year.”
“My fellowship?” I ask her. My eyes widen. She nods and looks at me strangely.
“That was mentioned at the meeting… which you didn’t attend,” she smiles. “The purpose of this research project was always to prepare the candidate for the fellowship within my department for next year. If you’re interested, of course.”
“Interested? Of course, I am,” I say. My voice shakes as I try to control my emotions. This is amazing. “Thank you. Thank you so much. You won’t regret choosing me, I promise.”
“I’m sure I won’t. You do need to understand this is going to be a lot of work for very little reward in the short term? It’s going to be very taxing on you and your life. Just make sure this level of commitment is what you want, before you agree to it.”
I nod and thank her again, before walking out. My heart races. I can’t believe this is happening. It’s what I’ve dreamed of my entire life.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted… isn’t it?
I walk through the park across the road from the hospital, clutching the information to my chest. I’m not sure what to do or how to feel. This is what I’ve worked so hard for. It’s everything. If I give this up, I’d never forgive myself. I shake my head, shocked that it’s even entered my head not to accept this. What the hell is wrong with me? But I know exactly what the problem is.
Or who the problem is.
Luke.
It’s only six months, but so much can happen in that time. We have enough to still work through without adding this into the mix. What if the pressure of a long-distance relationship is too much? I frown, my heart racing. Just the thought of leaving him makes me feel sick. If I leave and our relationship suffers, I’ll never forgive myself. But if I stay and miss out on this opportunity, I won’t forgive myself either. The cool breeze is like a slap in the face, reminding me that this is a huge, life changing decision.
I lift my hand to knock on his door, but I stop when my phone vibrates in my hand. I glance down and smile, because it’s him. I shove my phone back in my pocket and pound on the door. I’m still not sure what I’m going to say to him. The door swings open. He studies my expression, as though he’s trying to figure out whether it’s good or bad news.
“I just tried calling you,” he grins.
“I know.”
“Ignoring me again?”
“What do you mean?” I frown, confused.
“Nothing. The other day, I saw you, but you were too far away. I called you and you ignored me.”
“Because my pager went off at the same time. I had to get back inside.”
“Well now I feel silly.” He studies my face and frowns. “You didn’t get it, did you?”
He wraps his arms around me and leads me inside, not giving me the chance to correct him.
“It’s okay, they’re will be other opportunities like this,” he soothes me.
I look around. “Where is Allie?”
“Abby’s taken her out for the day. She wanted to give me time to think.”
“And?” I ask him.
He shrugs. We walk over to the couch and sit down. I fall into his arms, loving the feel of him holding me. I rest my head against his chest and close my eyes, the sound of his heartbeat comforting me.
“I don’t know what the right thing to do is,” he admits. “Abby is happy fo
r her to live over there with her and maybe that’s best. For now, at least, until she gets to know me better? It would be such a huge change to uproot her from her life and move over here…” He shakes his head. “As much as I want her here with me, I can’t do that to her.”
He rubs his forehead and sighs.
“You could move over there and get to know her?” I suggest. He frowns down at me. “But you won’t do that because of me,” I say, answering my own suggestion.
He wraps his arms around me again, holding me against him.
“You want to hear something funny? I was so sure you’d gotten that project, nearly the whole time you were gone, I was here, fantasizing about moving over to London for the six months. I figured it all out. I could visit you on weekends and get to know my daughter through the week. It would’ve worked out perfectly.”
I pull away and look him in the eyes, a smile slowly creeping across my face. He looks at me strangely, but then he catches on.
“You got it, didn’t you?” He kisses me. “Why didn’t you tell me? You could’ve saved me a whole lot of stress.”
“I was trying to figure out how we could make this work. How was I supposed to know that you had it all planned out?” I take his hand in mine. For the first time, I let myself really feel excited about everything.
This could really work.
#
“So, let me get this straight.”
Matt stares at me and then turns his attention to Luke.
“You’re both moving?”
He frowns, while Mom shakes her head, tears in her eyes. Poor Becca stands in front of them, looking like she might pass out. We’re at Matt and Annie’s place, after inviting everyone over here for a last minute, Friday night drink to share our news. So far, the reactions have been less excited and more stunned than I’d been hoping for. I know they’re all probably just in shock, but as I look around the room at the stunned faces, I’m becoming more and more unsure about this decision.
“Guys, it’s six months. Quit acting like you’re never going to see us again.”
Becca steps forward. She beams at me and throws her arms around me. I smile, because that is exactly what I needed.
“What am I going to do without you for six freaking months?” she wails. I laugh and hug her back. “You’ll keep yourself busy. You can borrow Iris if you like,” I tease.
“I might just do that,” she mutters. “Can I borrow your apartment too?” she asks hopefully. She laughs as I swat her across the arm. “But seriously, you guys. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.” I grin.
“I’m happy too, but I only just got you back after college,” Mom protests. “Sorry if I’m not thrilled that you’re moving away again.”
“It’s only for six months,” I say, my voice weak. “You all could always come visit.”
“On a plane?” Matt gapes at me. “With this thing?” he nods at Elina, who as if on cue, starts wailing. I walk over, scooping her up in my arms, which makes her abruptly stop crying. “I had you down for babysitting duties every Saturday night for the next six months,” he jokes.
“I’m pretty sure you’ll manage,” I tease.
“Have you met me?” Matt mutters. He glares at Luke. “And you’re going to live in London?”
“Yes.”
Matt shakes his head, like he’s having a hard time working all of this out.
“With Allie?”
“No, with the queen. Of course, with Allie. I’ll get my own place, but the idea is to get to know my daughter and hopefully, one day she might even want to move over here.”
Matt breaks into a grin as everything clicks into place. He steps forward and pulls us both into a firm hug. Annie steps into rescue Elina from me, before she’s crushed by Matt’s enthusiasm.
“Good for you guys,” Annie says. “This is fantastic news. I’m so happy you worked things out and how perfect is this?” She shakes her head. “I’ve got plenty of friends over there if you need somewhere to stay,” she adds.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Luke smiles at me and wraps his hand around mine. “I guess we better get back, considering how much we need to do before we fly out.”
“I guess we should.” I nod, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
“When are you leaving?” Matt asks.
“Next week,” I say, my heart racing. “I’ll go to London with Luke for two weeks, then fly to Bern.”
“Jesus, so soon?” Becca frowns. She hugs me again, which makes me tear up. “Really though, I’m so happy for you guys. I knew you’d work it all out.”
“Dinner here Sunday night.” Matt’s voice is firm. “If you think this is your farewell, you’re in for a shock.”
“Fine.” I grin. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
We say goodbye to everyone and then head back to my place. I walk inside, and I reach over and take his hand and squeeze it, his warmth calming me down. I let go of his hand to slip out of my jacket and leave it hanging over the chair, then I turn to Luke and put my arms around his waist, kissing him. He grins at me. I smile back and then take a deep breath out.
We’re really doing this.
“You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Hell no. I’m nervous, excited and a bunch of other things, but not doing this hasn’t even entered my mind.”
“Good,” he grins. “If it makes you feel better, I’m shitting myself too.”
“Have you told Allie yet?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “I’m going to surprise her. Just rock up at school next week to pick her up.”
I love the way his face lights up when he talks about her.
“She’s going to love having you around,” I say.
“I’m going to love it too,” he admits. “What I’m not looking forward to is not seeing your beautiful face every day. I guess we will just have to make the most of the time we have together.”
“Oh really?” I smile. “What did you have in mind?”
He places his hand beneath my chin, lifting my lips up to his. I smile as he kisses me, brushing his mouth against mine. I shiver as he takes my hands and leads me down to my room.
“I’m going to miss this too,” I murmur.
“There are ways around that. We can skype. Phone sex.” His eyes sparkle. “I hear there are some great sex toys on the market you might want to test out.”
“You did not just say that,” I growl at him.
He laughs and attempts to shield himself from my attack, then he pulls me into his arms and kisses me.
“You’re wasting time. You know that, right? The things I could be doing to you right now…”
“Fine.”
I glower at him, and then relent, putting my hands up in defeat. I laugh as he scoops me into his arms and carries me down to the bedroom.
“But you’ve got some serious making up to do for that comment…”
Epilogue
Two years later.
Laura
“Oh God, what am I doing?”
I pace back and forth inside my penthouse luxury hotel suite in Santa Monica, where I’ll be marrying Luke tomorrow afternoon. Marrying Luke. I run my hands through my hair and hunch forward, my stomach twisting into knots. I’m getting married tomorrow. It’s not the married part that’s scaring me—I would have eloped the day after he proposed, if I could’ve talked him into it. It’s the wedding and thinking about all the things that can go wrong.
The last few months had been non-stop stress, trying to get this wedding together. Everything that could have gone wrong, had—from our first choice of venue burning down, to our celebrant double booking the day. I have no fucking idea how it’s all come together so nicely in the end. I’m getting ahead of myself now, because there was still plenty of time for shit to go wrong.
I’m going to be sick.
Becca launches herself off the couch and grabs hold of my shoulders, shaking them a
s she gives me a stern look. I stare back at her, breathing heavily as the panic slowly begins to lessen. Becs. God knows that I’d do without her in my corner. I nod and breathe in deeply, but then a fresh wave of panic hits me. Becca glares at me.
“Pull your shit together, woman.”
“Yeah,” Allie pipes up, getting to her feet. “Get your shit together.”
Becca turns around and glares at her. “Hey. You’re ten. You don’t get to swear.”
“Oh, but it’s fine for you?”
She sticks her chest out as she stares Becca down with all the pre-teen angst she can muster. The problem with that is she’s underestimating Becca’s ability to act like a thirteen year old.
“Double standard much?” Allie mutters, backing down. She pouts and looks at me for support.
“The world is full of double standards so get used to it,” Becca grumbles.
“She’s right. No swearing,” I say, shrugging at her.
“What was the point of you adopting me if I you’re not going to stand up for me?” She sighs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“I’m glad to hear that I didn’t adopt you so you could use me to win arguments.” I cross my arms over my chest. I stare at her and raise my eyebrows. “Now, considering how early we have to get up tomorrow, I think it’s your bed time,” I add.
“But what about the stripper?” she protests.
Annie snorts as I turn around and glare at Becca, who puts her hands up defensively. I rub my head, because I can’t deal with this right now.
“There is no stripper.”
“But I heard Becca on the phone—”
“Seriously?” I huff, glaring at Becca. “A stripper when you knew Allie was staying with us? That was the condition of you staying with me tonight. That you go to bed when I tell you to.”
“No, I—”
I Hold my hand up at her. I’ll deal with her later.
“You. Bed.” I raise an eyebrow at Allie, who releases a loud sigh and hunches her shoulders forward.
“Fine,” she grumbles. “You’re worse than Dad,” she adds.
She stalks off to her room while I sit down. I’m still shaking, but feeling more in control of myself. Allie walks back out a few seconds later, holding up a package.
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