He shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He took a swig from the bottle and then put the lid back on. “But if it’s okay with you, I’m gonna take this damn tie off. Enough already.” He had it off in no time and then he said, “Why don’t you take off your coat?”
“I’m a little cold from the walk.”
He sat on the side of the bed. “Then come here and I’ll warm you up.” He pulled his suit jacket off and draped it on the bed.
I took in a slow deep breath. This was a moment of truth. I’d been pushing my earlier encounter with Ethan to the back of my mind ever since it had happened. Why had he felt the need to confuse me so much? It was unfair, unfair to both me and Zane.
Well, I decided, Ethan had had plenty of chances, and putting the moves on me when I was out on a date with someone else—when we were both on dates with other people—was completely uncool. And for all I knew, nothing between us would ever happen. Zane was sweet and good looking, and I wasn’t going to spurn him for a last minute promise that might lead to nothing. So I walked over to the bed and sat next to him.
God, that cologne still smelled good. It wasn’t too strong, but it was so…woody, earthy, yummy. “Did you want your pop?” I shook my head. I wasn’t ready for a cold drink yet. “You still haven’t taken your coat off.”
I smiled slightly, feeling awkward now, but I shrugged the coat off my shoulders. He helped me slide it off the rest of the way, but his lips were on my shoulder beside the dress strap before I even took the coat the rest of the way off my arms, and it just fell to the bed.
I sucked in a breath involuntarily. I hadn’t expected my response to be as rapid as it was. I’d been suffering from rigid nipples thanks to the cold anyway, but this time I felt them responding to the touch of his lips. This was dangerous. I could tell that just from one touch of his warm lips. And then his hands were around my waist, and he continued kissing a trail up my neck until he reached my lips and I gladly, almost desperately, took him in. Oh, holy fucking shit. Wow. I had never been kissed like that before. The last kiss I’d had was from a guy who’d been wearing braces and was a little sloppy, for starters. Zane, though…well, his mouth tasted like vodka, and that wasn’t bad. I hadn’t been expecting it, but I was okay with it. And he was tentative at first, as though teasing me, and then he full on assaulted me with his tongue. He was in command, damn it, and I was his. That tongue of his stroked me and played with me, and my mind wondered how that would feel everywhere else.
I could hardly keep up, and I was breathless. I had wound the fingers of my right hand in his soft hair, while my other hand curled around his warm neck. And I was so into the sensations he was stirring in my mouth that it took a little bit for me to register that his hands had moved up from the small of my back to the middle, and he was tugging at the zipper.
But that pulled me out of it and back to the present. “Wait, Zane.”
“Hmm?”
“I…uh, I’m not ready for that yet.”
I shouldn’t have worded it that way, because he nodded, stopped unzipping my dress, and began kissing my neck again. But as my eyes closed, enjoying his lips back on my neck, I registered the look in his eyes. God…his eyes had been dark and sleepy looking, sexy. And another wow moment. He somehow knew all the right spots to kiss on my neck and throat, because I was feeling like I never had before…never. He eased me back on the bed until he was on top of me, but he wasn’t trying to unzip my dress anymore. Still…my body was reacting in a way that it never had to a kiss before, and I knew…I just knew if I didn’t stop now, I’d likely do something I’d regret, especially since his hand that had been holding me on the hip was inching upwards.
It was in that moment that I sensed a deep well of passion residing within me, something I had little control of and something that could easily take control of me if I wasn’t careful. Again, too, my background, my naïveté…I wasn’t emotionally ready for sex, especially with someone I didn’t love. Lust? Hell, yeah. Zane had it all over most other guys on campus. But I’d promised to myself a long time before this moment that I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t love.
I must have been pressing against his chest or maybe I was squirming. Maybe I’d stopped responding to his kiss as my brain battled with my loins. But he knew something was up. “What’s wrong, Val? You okay?”
I took a deep breath and tried to sit up. He had to first because half his body was on me, and he did. He looked concerned. I said, “This is getting, uh…pretty hot.”
A small smile crossed his face, but those eyes—they were still dark and steamy. “I know. Don’t you like it?”
I couldn’t help but smile back, but this was serious and I wanted his attention. “That’s the problem. I do.”
“So how’s that a problem?” His voice was gravelly, and one of his hands continued to roam my back, much like a runner continuing to jog in place at a red light not wanting to lose his level of intensity—he didn’t want to lose the point of passion we’d already hit. But I was getting ready to pour a bucket of water all over us.
“I need to be straight with you, Zane.” God, it was hard looking in his eyes, but I had to. “I can’t have sex with you.”
His brows furrowed, but he acted like my words weren’t still fully registering with him through the haze. Still, he was trying to be classy. “Who said anything about sex?”
I felt my mouth open, but there were no words. I hadn’t expected him to say that. “Oh.”
“Why don’t we just see where this leads?”
I would have smiled if it hadn’t been so serious for me. “That’s what I’m talking about, Zane. That is where this is leading.”
I can’t describe the look that came over his face. It was one of shock and triumph, but that passionate animalistic look in his eyes was still there. “Seriously?”
“Doesn’t it feel that way to you?”
He let out a small laugh. “Jesus. You kidding? I’m always ready for sex. Doesn’t take much.”
I started giggling. Had I awakened a monster? “I…uh…just wanted to make that clear.”
His hand stroked my cheek. “I promise I would make you feel better than you ever have before.”
My breath caught in my throat. After the way he had kissed me, I had no doubt that he could make me feel like the woman I was becoming. I lowered my head and closed my eyes. “I know you would. But I’m just…not in the right place.” I didn’t want to tell him about the silly rigid moral code I was living under.
I felt his hand on my chin, urging me to look at him. “It’s Ethan, isn’t it?”
What the hell was I supposed to say? I’d observed many a time that everyone but Ethan was able to see how I felt about the guy. So now I was considering lying to Zane just to be nice, but then I would be insulting his intelligence. No…instead, I was going to skirt the question. But to do that, I’d have to be completely honest about myself. “That’s not it, Zane. It’s…” I took a deep breath. “A long time ago, I vowed to myself that I would never have sex with someone I didn’t love. I came from a pretty religious family, and we would watch TV shows where characters would just have sex because they were attracted to each other, but there was no emotional connection. So my parents stressed that sex is a beautiful thing, but it should be with someone you love.” I put my hand on his. “I do care very much about you, Zane. I consider you my friend and, I think, with time, we could become even better friends. And who knows? Maybe those feelings would grow. But right now…I only consider you my friend. Please don’t take that wrong.”
He didn’t look angry, hurt, or upset, but I did see something register with him. “Oh, God. You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”
Was it that obvious? I’d been as honest as I could bring myself to be up to this point. I wasn’t going to lie now. I felt my cheeks grow pink. “Yeah.”
He pulled me into a hug and just held me close. After a while, he said, “Then I’m glad we didn’t. Losing your virginity in a tiny bed i
n a dorm room with paper-thin walls and the chance that the roommate could show up at any second wouldn’t be something you’d want to look back on and remember as your first time.”
I giggled. “Probably not.”
He pulled my face up gently with his hands so I could look him in the eye. “You ever decide your feelings are enough that I’m the man, I promise I will treat you right.”
Oh. That knocked the wind out of me. I’d never expected Zane to be so chivalrous, and yet he was above and beyond. It was lame, but I said, “Thanks.” And he kissed me again, but this time it was sweet and without his tongue.
“So…you wanna hang and watch a little TV?”
I was getting the weird vibe that maybe Zane wanted to pursue an actual relationship with me. I would need to think about it. I wasn’t completely against it, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I still had the stupid Ethan hang up, and I’d need to dump it before I could fully give myself to someone else. That much I knew. Still…Zane was a nice guy and I respected him. He was sweet and considerate, and he seemed to genuinely care. “I’d like to, but I’m really tired. I should go.”
“You wanna take your Squirt with you?”
I laughed. “Maybe.”
He kissed me again, this time with less passion, but it was slow and sweet. The door to his room slammed open and made me jump.
Yeah, it was Ethan.
I sat up straighter, realizing in that moment that the zipper on the back of my dress was still gaping open, but there was nothing else amiss. My hair was probably a little out of place, but nothing crazy. “Uh…if I’m interrupting something—”
Of course, he was interrupting something, and he knew it. But Zane, ever gentlemanly, said, “Nope. We were just getting ready to walk back to her dorm room.” He stood up and slipped his jacket on, then offered his hand to me. I took it and stood up while he picked up my coat so I could slide my arms in. It would have been so easy for him to make a production out of zipping my dress up, but he didn’t. He was calm and matter of fact. “Let’s get you home.”
“Night, Ethan,” I said.
He said good night back, but there was something in his eyes…and I hoped Zane wasn’t looking, because it wasn’t a look he was meant to see. It was only for me.
Chapter Ten
THE NEXT WEEK, Zane’s affections cooled. I wasn’t sure why, and I wasn’t necessarily against it, but I didn’t understand it. So, one of the times he would have normally met me to walk back to the dorms after class, I went down the hall where his class was and waited for the students to get out. When he saw me, he said, “Oh, hey, Val.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
He acted like he was going to blow me off but then he said, “Yeah, okay…we can talk.”
It wasn’t going to become any more comfortable. We just had to talk it out. So I said, “What’s going on?”
He shrugged as he walked beside me. “Look, Val. I really like you, and I know you like me back, but let’s be honest here. I had the entire weekend to think about it, and…as long as you harbor feelings for Ethan, I won’t stand an ice cube’s chance in hell.” I didn’t say anything. “Am I right?”
Yeah, he probably was. But I’d been willing to give it a shot. I respected Zane enough for that. The idea made me sad, but I wanted to be up front with him. “I don’t know. I guess.”
He stopped walking, and we stood under a tree with bare branches overhanging the sidewalk. The sun was trying to shine through the clouds that were making their lazy way across the sky. He brushed my cheek with his thumb and held the side of my face. “You’re a sweet girl, Val. You’ll make someone happy someday. If you decide I’m that guy down the road, great. But I don’t want to spend my time competing with some idealized version of Ethan in your head.” Did I look as pained as I was starting to feel? I must have been because he pulled me into his arms. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Val, but do you understand where I’m coming from?”
My voice was quiet. “I guess.”
“Am I just imagining it? Do you have feelings for Ethan, or am I just reading way too much into it?”
No…he was right. Absolutely right. And I understood where he was coming from. He didn’t want to play second fiddle, nor should he have to. Zane was a good guy, and any girl who snagged him would be damn lucky. Just the way he’d treated me during our short time together told me he’d be a find. But he was right. If Ethan so much as snapped his fingers, I would forget Zane in a heartbeat. And that wouldn’t be fair to him. I shook my head. “I don’t think you’re reading too much into it.” I wasn’t going to break his heart further and talk about those feelings, and I wasn’t going to lie.
He let go of me and held out his hand. “Then friends?”
God, he was being so cool about the whole thing, and I wondered in the back of my mind if he and Ethan had had a similar conversation. I shook his hand as well. “Yeah. Friends.”
We continued walking back to the dorms. “Maybe it’s too soon, but…is your roommate seeing anyone?”
“Jennifer? I don’t think so. She went with a guy to the dance, though, so maybe.”
He nodded and we continued walking. “No biggie. Just figured I’d ask.”
And somehow, Zane and I made it through that awkward phase to become solid friends. Ethan, though…after expressing newfound interest in me at the dance, he was nowhere to be found. Zane and I wound up eating meals alone, sometimes with Jennifer, other times without, but Ethan often had reasons not to be there. Cold again.
That Thursday at dinner, Jennifer, Zane, and I sat at a table, and I noticed Zane was starting to get friendlier with her. I was okay with that. He wanted a relationship, and I wanted him to be happy, so I didn’t intend to stand in the way. Jennifer seemed distracted, though. Halfway through our meal, she said, “Val, I can’t stand it anymore. I have to tell you something.”
I set down my fork. The girl was really upset, and that’s when I noticed she hadn’t really eaten much. “What?”
“You know Charlotte?”
I almost started laughing. “As in the roommate from hell?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded. She said, “I saw her walking in the library with Ethan, and they were holding hands.”
She could have gotten the same reaction from me by kicking me in the stomach with steel-toed boots. It took me a few moments to catch my breath. “Ethan and Charlotte?”
“Yeah…” Her voice grew weak. “And…I can’t tell you anything else.”
“Oh, no, Jennifer, you can’t do that. What else did you see?”
“Uh…crap. They…were kissing.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. No, that was okay. That was fine. Yeah, it was. Maybe it was the kick in the teeth I needed to finally move on from the stupid obsession I had with Ethan. Knowing that he had no interest in me aside from toying with me as though I were a mouse to his cat…that was a revelation I needed. “Okay.” I picked my fork back up and started scooting the green beans around that side of the plate.
“You okay, Val?” Zane lowered his head, trying to catch my eye.
I looked up. I wasn’t going to force a fake smile, but I was going to do my best to sound optimistic. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
He took in a breath, and I saw him clench his jaw. “Okay.”
“Wait. What? What are you hiding, Zane?”
He looked shocked. He hadn’t expected me to be able to catch it in my state. “Nothing you want to know, Val.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“You don’t. You think you do, but you don’t.”
“Damn it, Zane, haven’t we been completely honest with each other about everything?”
“Don’t play that card, Val.” I just stared him down. I could sense Jennifer wanting to get up to avoid what would happen next, but she stayed. Zane sighed. “They…uh…they’ve been pretty hot and heavy this week.”
“What about Mercy?”
“What do you
mean?”
“Mercy—the girl he took to the dance.”
“I have no idea. All I know is he and this girl Charlotte hooked up Sunday at the library and have been inseparable ever since.” He pointed the tines of his fork at me. “Don’t ask me to tell you anything else, Valerie Quinn.”
In spite of (or maybe because of) the heavy emotions I’d been experiencing, the way he said it made me laugh…as though I’d been torturing a confession out of him, one that would get him into some heavy shit with Ethan. Maybe, though, he was wanting to spare my feelings. Whatever the case, I’d respect his wishes.
And I didn’t say another word, but I was growing angrier and angrier. Fine if Ethan didn’t want me, but why did he have to pick Charlotte? He knew about the bad blood between her and me. Hell, he’d even defended me against her the night after the concert. Was he trying to become my enemy?
On our way back to the dorms, Zane asked, “You okay?”
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
We got to our building, and Zane said to Jennifer, “Do you mind if I steal her for a few minutes?”
She smiled. “Of course not. I have a huge test to study for anyway.”
We stood outside while Jennifer went in through the glass doors. “What?” I asked.
“Seriously—you gonna be okay?”
I shrugged. “Hell if I know. I’m just wondering what the hell is wrong with Ethan.”
He chuckled. “I’ve often wondered that myself. But…in all seriousness, Val…I think what’s wrong with Ethan is…you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. He has…some fucked up notion about wanting to keep you pure and innocent.”
“What?”
“Yeah…he calls you his muse.”
Now I was floored. “What?!” He just nodded and shrugged his shoulders. “So exactly what the hell does Charlotte Edwards have to do with anything?”
Zane smiled, closed his eyes, and shook his head. “The guy’s got needs, Val, and when little Miss Mercy didn’t exactly put out and Miss Edwards offered to polish his knob, how could he say no?”
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 11