“So if it’s gone now, how’s he getting more?”
If they’d been having this conversation yesterday, he might have smiled. Today, though, it simply rubbed him the wrong way. If Val wanted to be involved with Ethan, her naiveté was going to get her in trouble. “How does anyone get illegal drugs? You think it’s that hard? All you need is the right amount of cash and a connection.”
“So…what should we do about it?”
Oh, hell, no. She was not going to make Ethan even more his responsibility than the guy already was. She was not going to use his misguided affection for her to do her bidding for a guy who couldn’t give two shits about her. He let the air out of his lungs. “What do you think we can do about it, Val?” He wasn’t about to tell her of the times Ethan had scared the shit out of him. He wasn’t going to tell her about the times he’d lectured Ethan (or been lectured by Ethan for trying to stop him from doing the shit he did). She was a relative newcomer to the Ethan’s-a-drug-addict scene, and Brad was about out of patience. “We can’t do shit. He has to decide he wants to stop. You try to make him stop, he’ll just do it more. You stand back. That’s what you do. You…” He squinted his eyes and kept himself from gritting his teeth. “You go on loving him and be there when you need to.” He pulled his keys out of the ignition and opened the door so he could end the conversation. “Just like I always have.”
He got out and waited in front of the van. Val sat in the passenger seat for a long time, staring at him through the windshield as if she couldn’t believe he’d walked away from her. Finally, he walked over to her door and asked, “Are you coming?”
She let out a breath and rolled her eyes. She opened the door and stepped out. She was pissed at him. Good. Maybe she’d quit asking questions. What the fuck did she expect? She asked, barely concealing her anger, “When are we leaving?”
He shrugged. “Let me see if I can get the sleeping princesses up. I’d like to leave by noon.”
“I’ll be ready.”
He nodded and walked to his door. This day couldn’t end soon enough.
* * *
After a few weeks, Brad was able to let it all go. He forgave Valerie in his heart—he never told her aloud that he’d been angry and upset with her. She didn’t need to know it. She’d never intentionally meant to hurt him, and it wasn’t like Brad hadn’t known the girl was head over heels crazy for his best friend. Brad didn’t think Val had been a cock tease, either. He’d initiated every encounter the two of them had ever had—she’d just been an easy victim. So he was able to let it go and ease back into a just friends relationship.
They had shows every weekend, and he was able to enjoy watching Valerie get better and better. She grew more confident, and as she grew more sure of herself, she ventured forth, trying new things. It was exciting. In addition to that, she was freeing him up to become a better guitarist. He could honestly credit her as the reason his playing was improving by leaps and bounds.
They were trying to write more songs too, but they didn’t have much time. They did it some through email like they had over the spring. Brad was glad for that too, because it was a natural place for their friendship to go. It was based around music anyway—if it hadn’t been for the music, they probably would never have met, and they certainly wouldn’t have had much in common.
He didn’t think anything was going on between Val and Ethan, in spite of the kiss he’d seen them share in June, but he wasn’t going to ask, and he didn’t want to know.
One night in August they had a show in a rural town in eastern Colorado—a fantastic kick ass show, one of the best they’d done that summer. It had been such a great show that they were partying hard. There were quite a few people with them, people from another band and some fans. They were loud and also lucky that no one was complaining about the noise. Brad had been waiting for a few minutes to use the bathroom. When it was finally free, he walked in…and felt sorry for whatever person would have to clean it the next day. He’d have to sneak a large tip in the room before they left—but after the guys were out of the room for good so one of them didn’t pocket it, thinking some dumb ass had forgotten his money and finder’s keepers (he could just hear Nick sing-songing it).
When he left the bathroom, he spent some time talking to the guitarist of the other band. He was a solid guy, and he hoped to play with him again sometime. When the guy’s girlfriend joined them and they’d been introduced to each other, Brad decided he was ready for another beer. He walked to the mini fridge in the room and then realized he hadn’t seen Val and Ethan before. Oh, fuck. That probably meant it was finally happening.
Part of him didn’t want to know, didn’t need to know. But that wasn’t true. He did want to know. They were both his friends, and he didn’t want to be the last to find out. Still…what the fuck kind of creep would he be if he went to her room to find out?
He wasn’t sure how he justified leaving his room where the party was, but he had to get some fresh air. He promised himself he would not go to her room, wouldn’t do all the things he wanted to deep down. No—he would get a few breaths of fresh air and then return to the party. Maybe the chick with black hair and ass like there was no tomorrow would take a walk with him. He needed a distraction.
When he stepped outside, though, Val was right in front of the door, her back to it, and Ethan was facing her. She was holding his hand and talking to him, her voice raised and desperate. “That’s bullshit, Ethan. I thought you loved this…and if you’re not giving it your all, if you’re not fully here, then you’ll never reach your full potential. You’re not just letting yourself down. You’re letting us all down.”
Ethan grabbed Val’s arm and growled at her. At first, Brad had thought they were having some kind of a lover’s spat and he was going to turn right back around and go back to the party, but then he realized that wasn’t it at all. “Listen, Val, I know you think you know me, but you don’t. I do this shit to survive, and I’m here, all right? The day I don’t perform, the day I don’t show, that’s the fucking day you can tell me I’ve let you down. Till then…”—he let go of Val’s arm and started backing away—“not another goddamned word about it.”
Brad walked past Val and put his hand on Ethan’s shoulder. He knew how volatile his friend could be sometimes, and the guy was probably scaring the shit out of Val. He kept his voice low and calm. “Everything okay here?”
“Yeah. I was just leaving.”
She was just as angry as Ethan. “Yeah. So was I.” Ethan walked back into the party, and Val stormed away, letting herself in her own room, leaving Brad outside by himself.
He stood there for a good minute. If he were smart, he’d go back to the party himself and not worry about it. But he couldn’t. He knew Val and knew this summer had been hard on her, as much as she’d loved it. She was having to stretch and grow…and grow up. She wasn’t used to being surrounded by seediness.
So he went back into the party and did what he’d planned to do before he walked outside. He found the beer…and he took two bottles. Then he left the room again, but not without seeing Ethan getting cozy with the black-haired girl Brad had considered earlier.
He gritted his teeth but let it go. He walked down to Val’s room and rapped on the door. After a few seconds, she opened it and said, “What?”
Oh, that was really nice—taking out her anger with Ethan on him. Still, it just kind of underscored what he felt he needed to say to her. “Can I come in?” She stood back, holding the door open for him. He sat at a chair next to the desk in the room, and she sat on the edge of the bed near him. He asked, “Want a beer?” He handed her a bottle, but in typical Val fashion, she shook her head, vehement. So he placed it on the desk and twisted open the cap of the other one. He looked her squarely in the eyes and made sure his voice was cool. “I know you want to help Ethan, Val, but what you’re doing now…he’ll just blow you off completely. He needs to realize on his own what he’s doing.” She rolled her eyes. She was blow
ing him off. “I mean it, Val. Don’t push him. Trust me. Doing that is a bad idea. I don’t think he’ll overdose on it. I’ve never seen him go overboard.” Well...that might not have been entirely true. He knew for sure Ethan had gotten into some bad shit before, but he didn’t think he’d OD’d. A hospital could have confirmed it. Just because Brad thought Ethan might have, he didn’t know for certain, and he didn’t want to upset Valerie with possibilities.
“But can he become addicted?”
“He probably already is.”
“And you just let him?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I let him? Like I’m his mom, or I have any control over what he does?” For some reason, her accusation set him off. She was letting Ethan as well, if that was what she insisted on calling it. “I have my own shit to deal with, Val. I’m not the fucking cops. That would be like me asking you why you just let him.”
He saw the anger and frustration in her eyes dissipate, and then she looked almost sorry. She nodded her head. “Fair enough. But what can we do, Brad? We can’t just let him keep doing this.”
“What the hell are we supposed to do?”
“I guess there’s nothing. I just feel so helpless…and lame not doing anything.”
“How do you think I feel? I’m his best friend, and you were right about one thing. I used to encourage a lot of that shit. Hell, we used to do a lot of shit together. First time I tried meth and coke were with Ethan.”
Her eyes almost popped out of her head. “You’ve tried meth?”
He shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Probably. Yeah…we did stupid shit, Val. Just…I knew when to stop. And…apparently Ethan doesn’t. And…at least he’s not hooked on something like meth. So, we gotta be here for him. We need to catch him when he falls, because he will. He’ll fall. And that’s when he’ll decide he needs to do something different.”
“So what’s the difference between you and him? Why could you stop and he can’t?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he has a more addictive personality than I do. Hell, I don’t know. Seriously, Val. The man’s been through hell. You have no idea. And this is one of the things he does to cope.” If Val only knew half the shit Ethan had been through and seen throughout his whole life, she’d go a lot easier on the guy. Part of Brad continued to want to protect her from that, though, but he doubted that he’d be able to.
He saw her processing it. She was trying—he’d give her credit there. She asked, “Offer on the beer still stand?”
He raised his eyebrows. “You serious?”
“I know…stupid.”
He laughed. “Nah. If you’re gonna drink, this is better than a lot of other things.” He twisted off the cap and handed it to her. She took a sip and winced and he smiled. Sweet innocent Val. And since he was already here talking with her, it was time to lay it all out on the table. “There’s something else we should probably talk about.” She squinted her eyes, but it didn’t matter. It needed to be said and sooner rather than later. He’d had a couple of months and had some perspective, and this was the first time they’d been alone in a long time. He took a deep breath. “You and me. I want you to know I respect the hell out of you, Val. Now that you’re in the band, it’s hands off. I don’t want to lose you for Fully Automatic. You’re exactly what we needed. No way am I gonna fuck that up. So…I just wanted to assure you, in case you had any worries, that I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
She was quiet for the better part of a minute, absorbing his words. Then she said, “I respect you too, Brad, and I trust your decisions for the direction of the band.”
He stuck out his hand. “Shake on it?”
She grinned. “Deal.”
The next step would be convincing Valerie to stick with the band after school started…but he’d save that conversation for another day. Instead, he wanted to share a beer with his friend, now that they were also sharing an understanding.
Chapter Twenty-six
BETWEEN HIS JOB and Fully Automatic shows (and their small merch table they’d finally started), Brad had a little extra cash, and he was ready for fresh ink. So he went to the guy downtown he’d always gone to. The guy had some new original designs, and Brad found a couple that spoke to him, so over the course of a couple of weeks had a couple of new tattoos painted on his right forearm and the right side of his chest. He knew getting a tattoo on his forearm was flagging himself. The more tattoos he got, the less likely he’d be able in the future to get a “real” job.
That was another way he would keep himself driven.
He had a schedule for himself, aside from his forty-hour-a-week oil-and-lube job. One of his goals was to book at least three new future shows a week. Another goal was to write a new song every two to three weeks—music only. He wasn’t going to touch lyrics again, unless for some reason he felt driven to, because it came so naturally to Val, and she was way better at it than he’d ever dreamed of being. There was no sense even trying. He also made a point of working out twice a week, because otherwise he tended to focus on music to the exclusion of all else.
He had a plan, though, a big one, now that August was half over. He simply had to convince the guys to help him out. So he invited them over one Monday night, tempting them with his mom’s killer spaghetti. And then he managed to get them on board. Now they just had the monumental task of convincing Val.
* * *
Brad and the guys drove to Winchester to pick Val up for what was to be their last show with her. She’d told them all the reasons why she couldn’t do it while she was in school. It was too far away and playing shows with them would take her away from valuable study time. Brad had sensed, though, that she was trying to convince herself more than them. And he and the guys had a plan.
She’d settled in her seat and they were heading toward Colorado Springs, their ultimate destination the Denver Metro area. Brad had been cranking a hard and heavy song, but he started thinking maybe there was no better time than the present. At some point, her going back to college would be talked about anyway—he knew it was on the back of everyone’s minds, including hers—so why not just get it over with? If she declined their offer, the rest of the drive might be a little somber, but Brad was pretty sure he knew her heart.
Yeah, he knew what made Val tick. How, he didn’t know. He just did.
He turned the music down and glanced over at her. “Val, we wanted to broach a pretty serious subject with you, and now’s as a good a time as any.” He looked toward the back of the van. “Right, guys?”
There was a general consensus and then she said, “Okay.”
She was acting nervous, like they were going to deliver bad news to her. He couldn’t help it—he was grinning from ear to ear. Well, good. If she was feeling anxious, then maybe when she heard what they really wanted to talk about, she’d give it some serious thought. “We’ve been talking, Val, and we’re not ready for this to be over. Not by a long shot. You know we’ve already got dates clear through November, and I’m still booking shows out past that. We don’t want to lose you, Val. You’ve become one of us, and we can’t see doing this without you anymore.” That was his best pitch. He hoped it was enough.
She nodded. “Yeah, but I’ve got college soon.”
“Yes, that’s what you’ve said. So you’ve decided on a major then?”
“Well, no.”
“You’ve narrowed it down, though, right?”
He could hear the amused sound in her voice. “No…”
“So why can’t school wait until you know?”
Ah… That made her stop and think a little. “Okay, so let’s say I wait. But then I have to get my parents on board. More than that, though, my job’s ended. What do I do then? How do I support myself? It’s not like we’re rolling in the dough.”
“But what if we were playing four or five nights a week?”
“Yeah…I can see how that might add up. But you’d have to spend it
all on gas, though, wouldn’t you?”
“Not if we moved to where the shit is.”
She paused again. She was considering it. “Are you thinking we should all move somewhere and play all the time?”
He smiled again. “Yeah…that’s what we’re thinking. We mostly play around Denver, so why not find a place that fits all of us? I keep booking shows, and I could do more if we lived there and didn’t have to drive all over the place. Instead of figuring out if it fits around work and if we could make it to a show on time, I would just have to make sure we had the time free. There are lots of shows we could do, and Denver’s a huge place. And that wouldn’t mean we couldn’t do shows somewhere else, but it would make the ones there a lot easier to get to.” She nodded, listening. “We have a better chance of building a big audience, maybe even of getting picked up by a label someday in the future, if we’re playing more shows.” She looked like she was building up to a major objection, so he asked, “Would it help if all us guys talked to your mom and dad, let them know you’re safe with us?”
She looked over at him and then back at the guys. Brad could see them in the review mirror. They were all smiles. She nodded then looked at Brad. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
Yeah. He couldn’t have asked for more. And the rest of the night they let themselves dream. Now that the members of Fully Automatic had fully committed to one another, the show that night was beyond great. It was one of the best shows they’d ever performed up to that point.
And that was why it would have been a damn shame to just let it end.
* * *
That Sunday, the boys of Fully Automatic got up earlier than any of them had in ages to begin the long drive to Winchester. They had to get there before one in the afternoon. Valerie had told her parents they all wanted to talk to them (she told Brad she hadn’t told them what), and her mother had suggested inviting them to their Sunday barbecue. It was to be Val’s last Sunday at home, because she would be leaving for college at the end of the week, ready for classes a week from Monday.
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 110