The next year was a whirlwind. They rerecorded some of their songs and the label took over. The label tried to talk them into changing the band name, but they let the guys keep it. Brad argued that they already had a fan base—it might not have been huge, but those people knew who Fully Automatic was and would hype them from the get go. The band had little say in the cover or what songs went on the final album, and they had no say in the first single. The label chose one of Brad’s least favorite songs, one called “Scream Loud Enough.” It wasn’t a bad song, but it was one he’d written early on. Everyone else in the band had always loved it and apparently the label did too, thinking it would be a song that would get people’s attention. He disliked it because it was nothing more than a hate letter to Ethan. No one had ever seemed to pick up on it, but Brad knew. It had been cathartic when he’d first written it, but as he grew older, he felt like it lacked the love and support his brother needed, and singing it over and over reminded him of that fact. It wasn’t as meaningful now as it had been, and maybe playing it over and over for the video and then on the road constantly could make it mean even less.
It was a good song, though, as far as showing off their chops. There was some mean axe work in the song, some good vocal stuff—from low to high and a lot of death growling. It really highlighted a lot of the cool things Nick did as a drummer too, so once Brad let go of the fact that he didn’t much like their choice for the single, he knew it would be good for the band.
They had barely wrapped the video than they were on the road. Ethan asked Val if she wanted to come along, but it was evident that it continued to be a painful subject for her. She stayed at home with her mother for a few months, and then, when the band had a week hiatus, she spent the entire time with the band. It was then that she and Ethan started looking at homes, because after only two months of being on the shelf in the music store, Fully Automatic was getting recognized and money was already starting to pour in.
Their new manager and everyone at the label told them all the same thing—now was not the time to rest. They needed to work their asses off. That meant they spent two-thirds of the following year on the road. Some of the bands they opened for bitched about the grueling schedule, but Brad loved it. He wasn’t having to change oil in cars anymore. He was doing what he loved several days a week. He was seeing parts of the country he’d never seen before. He wasn’t having to worry about spending money either. He loved every second of it. And being in that position made him all the more creative. He was writing more songs than he ever had before.
He was proud of the guys too. They really stepped up their game. They played one flawless show after another, and the crowds were amazing. They appreciated the effort they put into it.
One night, somewhere in South Dakota, they were wrapping up their set before exiting for the next band, and he got to the edge of the stage, a little away from the lights, so he could see the audience. It was like an ocean, not like the tiny audiences he’d been playing for over the last few years. There were hundreds—thousands—of people out there. He couldn’t see their faces, but even near the back, he could see arms waving, cheering, signing. He felt his heart swell with emotion, and that was the moment when he knew he’d finally made it.
Chapter Fifty-two
BRAD STARTED FEELING like the tour for their first album would never end. As it was, they were recording their second album during mini-breaks from the tour. But their manager had told them “no rest,” and Brad was taking it seriously. He was still hungry—in fact, he was even hungrier, because he’d tasted success. He was not going to be just a flash in the pan.
It was sometime during their recording process that Ethan announced he was going to be a dad. That hit Brad like a ton of bricks. He’d thought fame and fortune had wiped Valerie out of his mind, and while achieving his dream had helped push her to the back of his mind, knowing that Valerie was carrying Ethan’s child pretty much sealed the deal. A child made their relationship permanent. There were no take backs when a child was involved.
Ethan had fallen into his usual addictive ways once they’d hit the road. Still, it seemed that once he’d found out about the pregnancy, he was trying to be a good husband. He bought a house for Val with his newly earned spoils, and she put her heart and creativity into it. It was an older house in need of TLC, but that was what Val said she wanted. And, yeah, Ethan seemed to try to get his drinking and other illicit activities under control when Val told him she was pregnant, but—like always—Brad suspected it would only last so long.
There were only two things he knew for certain—if Ethan was involved, Val would always run to the guy, and if drugs were involved, Ethan would show up at some point in the party. Those were the two givens of Brad’s life, and if he hadn’t finally started experiencing success with the band, he would have had to find a way to break out from their dysfunctional madness.
Ethan grumbled some at the nonstop touring and writing as well, but Brad, Zane, and Nick talked sense into him. They could rest when they knew for certain that they were solid. Until then and as long as there were any doubts, they were working their asses off. Brad did not plan to become a grease monkey again. Ever. No fucking way.
Karen was a blessing in disguise. He didn’t see her much, but when he did, she made him feel special. She still had that hard edge, but she seemed to worship him and gave him more attention than he’d ever asked for.
Brad broke down and bought a house as well when they were in the middle of writing their second album. He saw no reason not to. Zane and Nick decided to keep the old apartment for a while since they had plenty of room at that point—two guys, three bedrooms, price of rent locked in for a while. They knew they wouldn’t be there much anyway, if their grueling tour schedule kept its pace.
Brad loved the idea of having a house to come home to, but there wouldn’t be anyone there and, if left unwatched, there might not be anything left either. So he invited Karen to move in with him. She was enamored with the idea, and Brad felt like a real asshole for getting her hopes up. Then he wanted to kick himself for thinking that, because he and Karen got along okay, and she accepted him for who he was. What more did he want? Did he feel a fire burning inside for her? No. Was the sex the best ever? No, but it was enjoyable enough; he wasn’t complaining. Did he picture himself with her forever? No, but he didn’t think that was possible with any woman. Karen wasn’t perfect and neither was he, and as long as she wanted him, fucked in the head and all, they would be together.
He thought she was starting to question her decision, though. Even though she was able to decrease her hours at work and Brad brought her a new car, she was beginning to feel like she was getting the short end of the stick. He wouldn’t have known it if she wouldn’t have started grumbling about it. One morning before he had to go to another recording session, they sat at the table in his new kitchen eating breakfast, and she said, “It’s Valerie, isn’t it?”
He swallowed, forcing the bacon down only half chewed, making him uncomfortable. He grabbed for his coffee and took a big swig. It was a little too hot but he managed. He took a deep breath and hoped he sounded calm. He’d been dreaming about Val the night before. Her pregnancy was weighing heavily on his mind. He hadn’t seen her in months and hoped she was okay. He imagined her in that big old house all by herself, hanging cute wallpaper in the nursery, crying, wondering where her husband was and what he was doing. If she and Ethan hadn’t been married, he would have called her. They remained friends, after all. But somehow that kind of contact nowadays felt inappropriate. So, yes, he’d been worried about her, but how had Karen figured it out?
Once he felt he could control his response and keep emotion out of it, he asked, “What do you mean?”
“The woman you said you’ve always loved.” He blinked. Karen had only ever met Val in person once before, and that was at a Fully Automatic Christmas party. It was intimate, not a lot of people, but each guy had a gal on his arm—not just the band, but roadies a
nd other important people now a huge part of the band’s life. How the fuck had Karen made that connection? He and Val hadn’t said more than twenty words to each other since the band had gone on tour. He thought about denying it, almost even shook his head, but before he could even pretend, she said, “You were saying her name in your sleep last night.”
He made sure his voice sounded strong in spite of how he felt inside. “I was?”
She nodded. “It’s okay, Brad. I told you we were cool from the beginning, and thank you for telling me the truth.” She frowned and picked up her coffee cup. “I just wonder how her husband feels about it.”
Brad almost said Ethan knew, but he wasn’t so sure about that. Ethan should have known, but Ethan wasn’t always present. Ethan knew Brad had been interested in Val long before the guy decided to pursue her. Ethan knew Brad and Val had been intimate more than once. Brad knew, though, that Ethan had no idea that Val and Brad had slept together right before they took him to the hospital in his comatose state. And, if Brad had any say in it, Ethan would never know. That said, the guy was a fucking idiot if he didn’t know that, at least in the past, Brad cared very much for Valerie.
Of course, Ethan excelled at being a fucking idiot sometimes.
Bottom line, though—Brad wanted them both happy—and that meant he’d stay out of the picture.
He wasn’t sure what Karen was looking for. Did she want to make Brad mad? Sad? Make him grateful for her? He wasn’t sure what her angle was and, because of that, he didn’t know what kind of answer to give her. He shrugged and drank the rest of the hot coffee and then stood. He scraped his plate in the trash and said, “Gotta go,” kissing Karen on the forehead and then leaving the house as quickly as he could. He wasn’t prepared to talk about his feelings for Valerie, especially with the woman who was supposed to help him forget about her.
* * *
Brad had convinced the powers that be to let the band be home around Val’s due date. It was her first baby, for God’s sake, and she would want her husband nearby. The band worked on the last couple of songs for their second album while they were homebound so their time wasn’t wasted.
Ethan grumbled on occasion about having to attend childbirth classes with Val. Brad hoped he was just whining about it because it wasn’t the most exciting thing he could be doing; he hoped Ethan wasn’t entirely serious. This was his first child. He should be thrilled. Ethan had mentioned that the baby was a boy too, and he and Val were trying to choose names.
It was then that Brad felt the familiar old ache. Ethan didn’t seem to appreciate her as much as Brad thought he should. He wanted to be there for Val. He tried telling himself, of course, that Ethan appreciated and loved his wife and was thrilled to have a child on the way. He was just expressing himself in typical Ethan language—bitching and pissing and moaning, even when there was no reason to.
It was probably because he was maintaining his sobriety, and he felt like it was against his will.
Well, being clean wouldn’t kill the guy.
Neither would being a father.
The time came, though, and Brad, Nick, and Zane got a group text from Ethan that baby Christopher was born, inviting them to come by the hospital the next day.
It was delicate. He was going to go, with or without Karen, but he wanted to invite her. He didn’t care if she came, but he needed her to know he wanted her along if she so wished. So when she came home from the tattoo shop that night, he told her that Ethan and Valerie’s baby had been born, and he was planning to visit the next day. “Do you want to come with me?”
She smiled then. Brad had no way to know for certain, but he thought maybe it made her feel better that he wanted her along. “Yeah, okay.” She paused. “Should we get something for the baby?”
Brad smiled. “Yeah, I guess so.” He realized then that Val must have had some kind of shower but she hadn’t invited Karen. Maybe it was time she and everyone else knew he had a steady woman in his life. And having Karen choose a gift for the baby was the perfect time to start.
Chapter Fifty-three
WHILE THEIR SECOND album was in post-production, Fully Automatic did some touring, but it wasn’t as intense as the past year, because Ethan actually wanted to be home with his wife and baby. Brad knew they’d be full-blown touring soon and hardcore. It was too soon to quit. He was hungry enough for all of them, and he knew they got sick and tired of hearing him say they couldn’t “rest on their laurels,” but it was true. He knew it and, even if they were tired, they knew it too.
He wanted to be number one in his fans’ hearts. He wanted to be number one on the charts that mattered. And there would be no resting till they got there.
Part of him started to question if they were releasing their second album too soon, but his manager assured him it was time. They’d milked four strong singles out of their first album, ones that got solid airplay on some of the hottest metal stations around the nation, and it was time to give them new songs to play. Brad wasn’t going to argue, and he had so many songs inside his heart and his head and even on paper that there would always be more to share.
As the money started rolling in, Karen asked Brad if he would mind if she only worked one day a week. She loved tattooing, but she wanted to become an exclusive artist, in demand. Eventually, it would drive her prices higher, she said, and the quality of her art would be even better. But she couldn’t stop working without support. Brad didn’t mind. She cleaned around the house, not that there was much to clean with just the two of them, and she was a solid companion. His only complaint was that she was starting to act jealous once in a while. She didn’t even have reason to be jealous. He wasn’t fucking around on her, even on the road. Yeah, he hadn’t been able to resist all the pussy thrown at him while touring for the first album, but since Karen had moved in with him, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. She cared about him on some level, and he wanted to respect that. Besides, he’d had enough groupie sex to last a lifetime from their first tour alone. It made him feel dirty and disrespectful, and he couldn’t do it anymore.
All the touring became a blur. They were on the road a lot. They had time home here and there—a few days once in a while or even a week at a time—but they were on the road constantly. Brad promised they’d slow down with their third album, but one night when Zane and Ethan were bitching, he sat them all down and said, “If they don’t know us or love us, they won’t want a third album. We’ll write it and no one will give a fuck. So help me make sure they never forget us. Then you can have an entire goddamn year off for all I care.”
The looks on their faces told him they understood.
They were home for a one-month break about the time Ethan’s son was a year old. Yeah, Brad had planned it with the folks in charge so Ethan could celebrate his kid’s birthday. Brad knew too that Ethan wouldn’t even notice or appreciate it (probably), but he knew Val would. While they were home, the guys met a couple nights a week, beginning to write songs for the next CD. Ethan was lapsing into his old ways big time, and once in a while, he wouldn’t show for their practices. It sucked, too, because Brad had finally converted one of the old bedrooms in his house into the perfect space—soundproof walls and everything.
One night, Karen was out with some of her friends and Brad’s cell phone rang. He didn’t think much about it until he saw that it was Val. That was weird. They hadn’t talked on the phone in well over a year. It was stupid, the way his body reacted. His heart rate increased and his senses became more acute. He wasn’t sure if it was because he had never lost his feelings for her or if he was worried that something had happened with Ethan or the baby. Either way, his reaction was real and palpable. He couldn’t ignore it. “Val. How are you?”
She sounded concerned. “I’m doing fine. What about you?”
He was beginning to wonder about the nature of her call, but he knew she’d get around to it when she was ready. “Can’t complain. And what about the little guy?”
“Well,
actually, that’s why I’m calling. He’s been really sick tonight, and I can’t get hold of Ethan. I wondered if you could pass a message on to him.”
So why was she calling Brad? He was not and never had been his brother’s keeper. Val knew that. But then he realized…Ethan must have told her he was with him. Best to just get it over with. “I haven’t seen Ethan since Tuesday, Val.”
He could hear it in her voice. “Uh, well…if you see him, would you please ask him to call me right away?”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “Hey, do you need me to help you out with the baby?”
“No, Brad. I couldn’t ask you to do that. Just—have Ethan call me please.”
“Yeah.” He hung up. Both of them knew damn good and well he wasn’t going to see Ethan anytime soon. Brad knew exactly what was going on. Ethan was off somewhere, probably shooting up or getting completely wasted on Jack, fucking some slutty woman, some chick who somehow satisfied his needs more than Val. Goddammit. What the fuck? Ethan had a thing for slutty chicks, and, try as she might, Val just couldn’t be what he needed—so he sought it out when he couldn’t take it anymore.
He called Ethan then. It didn’t even ring. It went straight to voicemail. Brad felt himself growing angry. “Ethan, your wife is looking for you. She needs you. Your kid’s sick, all right?” He stopped himself. He wanted to lecture Ethan and tell him to be a man and take care of his family, but for all he knew, Ethan was lying in a ditch, bleeding to death.
He wanted to call Val again, ask exactly what she needed, but he forced himself to put the phone back on the coffee table. She hadn’t asked for his help. She didn’t want him. She’d chosen Ethan…and Brad had to stand back and let Ethan do what Ethan was gonna do. And he couldn’t say or do a goddamn thing about it.
* * *
It wasn’t long before Fully Automatic was back on the road again, this time with international dates later in the tour as well. That made it feel real to Brad. That meant they had made it. They were there.
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