But that was Zane and, as much as she hated to admit it, that was one of the things she loved about him—how he constantly stormed through areas where angels feared to tread.
It didn’t change the fact that she was insanely pissed at him.
“Who is it?” she heard Kara say, right behind her.
Jennifer drew in a slow, deep breath. “My date.”
“Your date? Showed up here? Why?” As soon as she said it, Kara slapped her hand across her mouth and her cheeks turned pink. “Oh, crap. Sorry. That’s none of my business.”
Man, Jennifer loved this girl. She was going to hate seeing her leave next year. She smiled. “I wasn’t expecting him. I was wondering the same thing.”
“Oh. Um…I guess I should leave anyway.”
Part of Jennifer wanted the girl to stay—Zane wouldn’t spout nearly all he wanted to with another party there. Only God knew what he wanted to say to her, what bullshit he had the nerve to spew, and maybe having another party there would temper his output of baloney.
She opened the door, and Zane looked over from pacing. “Jen—” He started to say more but shut his mouth when Kara walked through the doorway.
“Night,” Jennifer said to her babysitter as the girl walked down the hall a few yards and then turned the doorknob to her parents’ apartment.
The look on Zane’s face was priceless as he tried to figure out what Kara had been doing in Jennifer’s apartment. She could see the gears turning, but he couldn’t connect the dots…which was just as well. She didn’t want Zane to know a damn thing about their daughter. He hadn’t earned her trust for something that monumental, and she was beginning to doubt he ever would.
She could feel the crusty look on her face but she didn’t care. She started pushing the door closed, and it shouldn’t have surprised her when Zane shoved against it. “Jen, wait.”
She knew she didn’t have the strength to close the door on him, much as she would have wanted to. Now, it would be up to him as a gentleman to honor her wishes. “Why should I?”
“I just want to talk to you for a minute.”
One deep breath to keep her anger in check. Screaming and yelling at him would accomplish nothing, although it could potentially wake the neighbors. “There’s nothing to say, Zane.”
“Yeah, there is.”
“There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”
“Then can you give me just two minutes?”
Jennifer was getting ready to respond once more—purely on an emotional level, so there was no prepared statement, no logic behind it, just the desire to have him get the hell out of her sight—when Zoe toddled up to the open door and paused, just inches from Zane.
Her daddy.
Shit.
She was still looking at her daughter when she heard Zane say, “What the fuck?” He squatted and she heard him say, “I mean…what the hell? Hi, baby. Who are you?” Jennifer swallowed and looked at him through the gap. “Is she your baby?”
Oh, thank God he didn’t ask if Zoe was his…because she wasn’t ready to lie.
Zoe grinned and stuck her dimply hand out the door. How could Zane resist that? He took her tiny fist in his fingers and shook it, grinning. Keep it simple, Jennifer. “Of course, she’s my baby.”
“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?”
She felt the anger simmering beneath the surface, and she didn’t know how to stop it from bubbling over. All she could do was try to stay calm. “Because I obviously didn’t feel like it.”
He still didn’t stand, and Jennifer could tell it was because he was waiting for her to open the door. “Why wouldn’t you? She’s adorable. I can’t believe you could keep her a secret.”
Yeah, she’d had a hell of a time keeping her daughter secret—that much was true. But he needed some truth of his own—even if it wasn’t the whole truth. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think I could trust you…and I was obviously right.”
He did stand then, but he wasn’t removing his hand from the door. “That’s not fair, Jen.”
“It is fair. And you totally proved it tonight.”
“I want to talk about it, okay?”
“No. You need to leave.”
He moved his face close to the gap so he wasn’t far from her. “If you plan to kick me out of your life for good, what’s thirty more minutes?”
Damn him…he knew how to get to her every time—not just the words but the puppy dog eyes. And that was why Jennifer opened the door.
Chapter Fifteen
“JEN, BABE…ALL that shit’s in the past, okay? I was a kid—immature, thinking with my dick, impulsive. But I love you. I’ve always loved you. You’re a hell of a lot more to me than just sex, babe. You’re fucking everything.”
“I don’t know, Zane. Why the hell should I even trust you? What have you done to earn my trust?”
“That’s fair, Jen. Just…seriously, look. It’s been five years, girl. You’re out of school, all grown up, with a job and shit, and look at me. Huge fuckin’ band, just like I always knew would happen, and I can have anything I want, okay. Anything and everything. I’m not even lying. But what do I want? You. Only you. Don’t you think that speaks for itself?”
“Maybe…”
“Seriously. Just…try me on again for size, okay? We’re not kids anymore. And if you don’t like the merchandise, you can return it at any time, no questions asked.”
“Zane…you’re insane. You’re crazy.”
“Yeah. Crazy about you. C’mon, girl. What do you say?”
“I must be fricking crazy, too…”
“Goddamn, Jen. She’s a fucking doll.”
Jennifer turned away from the fridge to look over at Zane and Zoe. Her daughter was sitting in her high chair. Jennifer had cut up a banana, hoping maybe a little food in her child’s belly would help her grow sleepy. In the meantime, she’d just brewed some coffee, hoping to help her and Zane stay alert long enough to have the requisite conversation. If nothing else, maybe she’d be able to keep up with her child until Zoe finally grew sleepy, because, by the way the child was bouncing, it looked like drowsiness could be hours away.
As Jennifer brought the carafe over and poured the hot java in first his mug and then hers, she tried to keep her growing surprise to herself. She was floored by how alike Zane and his daughter were. She knew Zoe looked like Zane—she saw him in the child’s eyes every day—but she’d had no idea. It was nuts. Zoe’s eyes had stayed the same dark blue they’d been the day she was born, exactly like Zane’s, but Jennifer always forgot how dark Zane’s eyes were until she was with him again. Those windows to his soul were mesmerizing and intense.
The skin color too…not pale like Jennifer’s skin, but a light olive, a hue Jennifer would have to work at acquiring, and she was sure it was a dead giveaway.
But Zane seemed to be clueless. Thank God.
Fortunately, Zoe’s hair was blonde like Jennifer’s, and the child’s lips and nose looked like her too, so Zane could suspect all he wanted, but without a blood test, he’d have no way in hell of knowing.
Zoe banged on the tray, managing to avoid the bananas, as if agreeing with Zane wholeheartedly.
“Thanks. She definitely is my pride and joy.”
He looked up at Jennifer, a dreamy look on his face. “She has dimples just like you.”
She felt her muscles relax. Yeah…she’d dodged the bullet.
* * *
Zane hoped he wasn’t giving it away, but he’d been floored with the knowledge that Jennifer had become a mother since they’d last been together. When they’d made love earlier in the evening, none of the signs had been there—no stretch marks…and, crass at it seemed, her pussy was as tight as ever. Maybe he should have figured it out from what he now realized were wider hips. He’d already noticed how her tits seemed rounder.
And that definitely explained her more hesitant nature.
Her daughter was fucking adorable. This meant he
had competition—and Jen was already mega-pissed at him. Would he be able to win her back? Keep her?
Should he just give up now?
What was washing over him, though, was a revelation…that he had been the cause of all their breakups and fighting all along. That made him sad and angry with himself. He’d known he’d been part of it—a catalyst for a good many spats—but he was beginning to accept that he was the main reason…because tonight’s incident wasn’t unlike many other situations in the past. What sucked most about that realization was that, yeah, maybe it could push him in the right direction, but it also made him want to drown in the toxic sea created by the self-loathing he already experienced on a day-to-day basis.
It fed itself.
He took a sip of the coffee Jen had handed him. She was tousling little Zoe’s hair while sitting down at the end of the small table so that Zoe was diagonal from both of them. As much as Zane was enjoying watching Jen’s daughter, he knew the two of them had a long, hard conversation ahead of them.
And he might as well start…get the hard stuff out of the way. “Jen, I’m really sorry. I—”
Jennifer held up her hand, palm out, signaling Zane to halt. “Stop right there, Zane. I’ve heard this apology a thousand times before and, frankly, I don’t want to listen to it anymore.”
He blinked. “Fair enough. But I don’t think it would be cool for me to just tell you to fuck off. You don’t deserve that shit, Jen.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “I agree with you there, Zane. One-hundred percent. I don’t deserve it all at. I have never deserved to be treated the way you treat me…which is why we’re done. For good. D-O-N-E. Done.”
“Aw, don’t say that, Jen. We just barely got back together.”
“Exactly.” She took a sip of her coffee. Zane was impressed, because pure vitriol was pouring out of her mouth, but her words were calm, almost soothing, and he knew that to be her daughter’s influence. “Which is why it’s so despicable that you would be sleeping with someone else when you knew you’d be on a date with me later. Seriously, Zane. What the hell is wrong with you?”
Okay…so maybe Zane was despicable and he felt awful, but he didn’t need to hear it from her too. He heard all that shit enough in his own damn head. Drawing in a long slow breath, he took a few seconds to get his thoughts straight. Jennifer would never understand, never have any clue about what happened in his head all the time. He barely stood a chance. Most of it wasn’t easy to articulate, either. Most shit he did on impulse—based on some deep-seated need to feel better. He wouldn’t expect anyone else to understand it, because he barely could himself.
“I don’t know, Jen. I don’t know. But don’t give up on me again—not yet. Don’t slam the door when we’ve barely had a chance.”
“Give me one good reason why, Zane.” He started searching inside himself, but she wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to think. “One good reason. You make me feel like crap, Zane. Like I’m not enough. Like you don’t care. Like I’m one of a million different girls—you just happen to remember my name.”
“That’s not true, babe.”
“That’s what it feels like.”
“But I…” This was hard. How could he explain what shit rolled around his head to her?
He knew he couldn’t.
All he had was himself to give. “I love you, Jen. I don’t want to lose you again.”
She started laughing then, and it hurt—more than he would have expected. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
“I—I’ll stop. I won’t do it anymore.”
“Won’t do what anymore?”
“Fuck around.”
She laughed once more. “I’ve heard that before.”
Oh, fuck. She had. He knew he’d said it more than once in the past, usually after getting caught.
Yeah, Val had thought she had it bad. Ethan’s infidelities were usually brought about by drug binges. The guy would get so baked, he’d fuck the hole to the gas tank if his dick was anywhere near it, whether the hole looked sexy or not. Zane was convinced that half the time, Ethan didn’t even realize he was having sex, let alone was cheating on the girl who loved him.
Zane, though…he knew fully well what he was doing, on drugs or not. Drunk or not. And it didn’t matter what chemicals were swirling through his head and veins—he fucking knew.
That made him as despicable as Jen had said. So, instead of arguing, he ground his teeth and looked at the table. Jesus fuck. She was right. She couldn’t believe him, shouldn’t trust him—should run very far away. Before he could say anything, Jen said, “I can’t keep doing this, Zane. It’s a sick cycle. Just…this time we went through half the circle faster than usual. We don’t usually get here for a while. But I know now—I can’t do it anymore. I have Zoe to think of now. My life isn’t just me. I have a daughter to care for.
“Besides that, Zane, it just freaking wrecks me. It kills me. I don’t think you have any idea of how it tears me apart inside to have you do this to me. It’s like—you might as well just take a knife to me. I think I’d heal faster that way. You just don’t get it.”
Oh, he did. She had no fucking idea.
Chapter Sixteen
ZANE DIDN’T HAVE a clue how much he had wrecked her—not just tonight but always. That first time had been bad, but damn it. Jennifer was so stupid, she just kept going back for more—like she enjoyed it or something. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
And here she was, entertaining him again. Actually considering giving him another chance, giving him the opportunity to crush her again. Why did she do that?
It came down to the fact that she loved him. And part of her really did want for him to be a real dad to Zoe.
So she was actually, once more, listening to the bullshit Zane was spewing about getting better, about not cheating on her, about walking the straight and narrow. She had heard this spiel dozens of times before, and she was an idiot to even consider it.
“Wait a second, Zane,” she said, interrupting his Please, babe speech. “How do I know this time will be any different? What will you do different this time?”
He had a shell-shocked look on his face, almost like he couldn’t understand her because she was speaking a foreign language. He let out a long, slow breath of air and rubbed his index and middle fingers across his brows. He was clenching his jaw, and Jennifer could see his cheek muscles tense and relax, tense and relax in response. Then he shrugged and blinked.
When he looked back up at her, he said, “Maybe we could move in together.”
“What? Are you kidding? How the hell would that help?” Zoe paused from eating and looked at Jennifer. She rarely heard her mom raise her voice. Jennifer took a deep breath and smiled at her child, adjusting and toning down her voice before speaking again. “Zane, how do you think that would help anything?”
“I wouldn’t be able to—”
“Don’t you think it would make me capable of committing murder if I found you screwing some other woman in my bed?”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“No. That’s a bad idea. We are not moving in together. That’s insane.”
“It’s not in—”
“You gotta come up with something better than that.”
“Would you stop interrupting me, for Christ’s sake?”
“I’m not—oh. I guess I am. Sorry.” She’d been getting far too emotional—again—something that was easy to do when Zane was around. So she shut up, but then he didn’t say anything. In fact, the two of them were quiet for a long time, just listening to Zoe play with her food and babble. Jennifer finally said, “Look, Zane. The old stuff you did never worked. Whatever your plan was for staying faithful never ever worked for you, and I’m getting too old to keep playing this game.”
“It’s not a game.”
“It feels like it. And so…you gotta change it. Because I already know how it’ll end—at least if we keep playing the same old way we always have.”
“
I can get better.”
“Zane, do you even hear yourself? I think you believe it—but your history says otherwise. You have never ever been able to stay faithful to me…and I can’t do it anymore. One time and we’re done. Forever. For good. And I don’t think you realize how serious I am.”
He was quiet again, staring into his coffee cup before he looked up at her. “I think—I think maybe I need some help.”
“Help?”
“Yeah. I, uh…I was just in rehab again a while back and, uh…they go hand in hand.”
“What?”
“Getting high and fucking around.”
“Do you think that excuses your behavior?”
“Oh, hell, no, babe. I just know that if I pop a pill or have a drink…a girl is sure to follow.” He swallowed. “Sometimes, it’s the other way around, but usually that’s how it goes.”
“So stay quit, Zane. Is it so hard?”
He kept his voice quiet, but his words seemed so loud. “Yeah, actually, it is. I can’t stay quit, Jen.”
“Then you have to stay away from me.”
He blinked again, his face to the table, and she could swear she saw a bead of moisture drop from his eye. She couldn’t prove it and she wasn’t going to ask, but she thought maybe she was seeing a crack in his façade. Maybe something she’d said sparked something inside him. “I don’t want to, Jen. You’re like the one ray of sunshine in my life—like the tiny pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.” His voice was quiet and cracked when he said, “You’re what I live for.”
“What? That’s bullshit, Zane.”
“No…it’s not. You really don’t know.”
He swallowed and kept his eyes to the table, like he was truly repentant and ashamed. She’d never seen him act this way before…and so she almost wanted to believe him. “I’m sorry, Zane, but I can’t allow you to continue hurting me just because I’m the light at the end of your dark tunnel. I can’t.”
Zane brought his hand to his brows again, pressing his index finger to one and his thumb to the other, and Jen didn’t know if it was calming for him or if he was trying to hide his eyes from her. His quiet voice croaked. “I think I need help.”
Bullet Series Box Set Books 1-8 Page 168