by Lexi Ryan
I swallow hard. Maybe that’s why he gave this to me after all—not so much because he thinks I’ll need it against Mordeus but because he hopes I’ll use it against Finn. “You said you don’t want Mordeus on the Throne of Shadows, but who would you have take his place if not Finn?”
He shakes his head. “Faerie has been divided too long, and it’s time the halves unite under one ruler.”
I bite my bottom lip. I don’t want to argue about Finn or who should or shouldn’t be on the Throne of Shadows. All I care about is saving my sister.
But that’s not true anymore. Maybe it hasn’t been true for a while.
I care about the realm I once sneered at and the creatures that reside here, and now I’m torn between warring kingdoms when I never wanted to feel allegiance to either.
“Would you like me to show you the rest of the palace?” Sebastian asks.
I nod, but through his whole tour I’m thinking about the adamant blade strapped to my leg and Sebastian’s hushed words, This blade will also work against Finn.
I’m so distracted that I’m unprepared when he leads me into the library on the top floor of the palace.
“This is the jewel of Serenity Palace,” he says just inside the doors. “It’s best seen when the sun is shining through the skylights, so I’ll bring you back tomorrow.”
But I like it as it is now, with the silvery moonlight dancing off the glass and barely illuminating the center of the room. I could explore the stacks of books in the darkness. I imagine it would feel like going to the library with my mother when I was a child—that feeling of safety and endless possibility.
I stroll into the room, looking around and letting my gaze skip over the pedestal at the center of the space. I don’t want to seem too interested in it, but Sebastian seems to sense it anyway.
“That’s the Grimoricon,” he says. He takes my hand and leads me to the center of the room until we are a single step from the book. So close I could reach out and touch it.
“What is it?” I ask, as if I don’t know.
“It’s the great book of our people. The Court of the Moon once claimed it as their own, but I’m loath to imagine the havoc Mordeus would bring to our world if he had it.”
My heart sinks. I may be confused about many things, but I am clear on Mordeus’s character. He is evil, cruel, and conniving, and Faerie will not fare well if a male like that has even more power. I’ve been on a mission to save Jas at any cost, but for the first time, I see that I’m endangering the fate of an entire realm in exchange for my sister’s life. But the alternative? It’s unfathomable.
I tamp down my newfound doubt and focus on the book. “What’s inside?”
“It holds the spells of our Old Ones and guidance for tapping into their powers. Once I take the throne, this is the book that will lead me in ruling my kingdom. My grandparents went to great lengths to retrieve it, and they lost many good faeries in doing so. Now it may be the only thing keeping my mother alive.”
I whip my head around to look at him. “What?”
“Magic is life. And this”—he nods at the book—“this is some of our most powerful magic. My mother’s been dying for years now. She’s probably only alive today because her life has been magically linked to this book.”
Slowly, I reach out, but he grabs my hand before I can touch it.
“Don’t.” His eyes are wide, his pulse fluttering quickly in his neck.
“Is it dangerous?”
“I don’t know what would happen to you if your mortal skin came into contact with such great magic. And if the book is disturbed . . .” He swallows. “If the book is disturbed, I fear what would happen to my mother.”
Is this why Mordeus wanted me to steal it? Yes, for the powerful magic, but also because he knows it’s tied to the queen’s life? Is that why Finn wants me to steal it?
I swallow back the uncomfortable lump in my throat. “You really love your mother, don’t you?”
He blinks, and his expression is pained. Conflicted. “I’m not blind to her faults, but she is my mother, and she’s sacrificed so much for our court . . . perhaps even more so for me.”
If I give the book to Mordeus and Arya dies, the curse will be broken and Jas will be safe. But Sebastian will never forgive me. And if Mordeus uses the book to destroy the lives of more innocent fae, I may never forgive myself.
* * *
When the palace staff serves us dinner, I’m still thinking of Finn and the Throne of Shadows and Sebastian’s warnings that whatever Finn keeps in his catacombs will prove his true nature.
“Brie?”
I lift my head at the sound of my name and find Sebastian staring at me across the table. How long has he been waiting for me to answer? Judging by his half-empty plate, I’ve been zoning out for a while.
“Where is that mind of yours?”
I blow out a breath. “I’m so sorry, Sebastian. I’m lost in my thoughts tonight.” I look around the dining room and realize that I haven’t even taken in the details of the romantic dinner that was probably prepared to impress me.
Candles line the table, and day lilies overflow from vases in every corner of the room. I’ve pushed my food around more than eaten it, and I’m more than a little disgusted with myself. The old me would be disgusted too. Not only am I eating mouthwatering dishes while children in the human realm go without, I’m here with Sebastian. How many times before entering the portal did I wish we could have more time together? And it seemed we never were alone. If Jas wasn’t with us, my cousins were close by, ready to report anything they heard or saw to my aunt.
“What are you thinking now?”
“I’m thinking how quickly I’ve come to take these luxuries for granted.” I wave a hand, indicating my plate. “I know better than to disregard the blessing of a full belly, yet after only a few weeks, I can sit here feeding myself and not even taste the delicious flavors. Meanwhile, my sister . . .” My throat squeezes tight at the words.
Sebastian reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Despite all he does to maintain his power, the king is weaker than ever. It’s only a matter of time until we’re close enough to act. I haven’t given up.”
But what happens to us after Jas is safe? I don’t give voice to the question. He’s as eager for an answer as I am, and I don’t have one yet. Do I want to stay with Sebastian? Do I want to live in a castle with the queen who is responsible for the curse and the horrible treatment of the Unseelie in her camps? If what Sebastian says is true and she’s dying, perhaps that means the curse will soon be broken. If her possession of the Grimoricon is the only thing keeping her alive . . .
To end the curse and live, you must kill the queen. The memory of Bakken’s words makes my stomach heave. If I kill his mother on top of everything else, I will truly lose Sebastian.
“I can practically see you drifting away on your thoughts.” Chuckling, he wipes his mouth with his napkin, then reaches for a decanter of wine, tilting it to fill our glasses. “Drink with me and let go for an hour.”
After he goes to bed, I will have to go to the library and make a plan for the Grimoricon. I initially planned on taking it immediately—it kills me to wait—but Sebastian might be suspicious if it’s missing when he takes me back to the library tomorrow. And since I have no replica of this relic, I will need to wait.
I can give him an hour. After all he’s done for me, all he’s endured and is likely to endure, he deserves that and more. And maybe I deserve it too. An hour.
I lift my glass to my lips and drink. Within minutes, my worries fall away.
Chapter Thirty
SEBASTIAN SPINS ME AROUND and presses my back against a tall wooden door. “This is your room,” he whispers against my lips.
My skin is warm, my cheeks flushed from the wine, and my heart full from the conversation. One hour turned to two, and it was like old times—just the two of us, talking and laughing.
“This is where I’m supposed to say good nig
ht.” His hands drift slowly down my sides—fingertips leaving a burning trail in their wake. When he reaches my hips, he squeezes gently.
I slide a hand behind his neck and study his face. I love the strong lines of his jaw, the piercing beauty of those sea-green eyes, his slightly parted lush lips. “So soon?”
Smiling, he brushes those lips over mine. Once, twice. The third time, his tongue sweeps across my bottom lip, and I melt a little. “Thank you for this. I know nothing’s simple right now, but I’m glad we’re here.”
Me too. I know it’s the wine, but right now I’m glad for everything, from the heat of his body to the fact that there’s a bed on the other side of this door. “I need to tell you a secret,” I whisper.
He pulls back, his eyes searching mine, his face solemn. “Yes?”
“I don’t deserve you.” I thought I could make a joke of it, but tears prick my eyes. “And one day you’re going to realize that.” You’re going to realize I’ve used you to give Mordeus what he wants. You’re going to realize I’ve weakened your kingdom to save my sister. And you’re going to know that even as sorry as I am that it will hurt you, if it means saving Jas, I would do it all over again.
“Hey.” He strokes his thumb along my jaw. “None of that. We were having a good time, and these tears are gutting me. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, but I’m too selfish to let you go.”
I bury my face in his chest and shake my head. “Don’t let me go. I need you to hold on.”
His swallow is the only sound in the quiet hall. “I thought I could walk away until it was safe, but I was wrong.”
I lift my head. “Until it was safe?”
“You are in danger every moment you remain in my realm, yet I can’t bring myself to . . .” He searches my eyes. “You don’t understand yet, but I need you.”
“Bash . . .” I lift to my toes and press my mouth to his.
I want to drag him to my bed and beg him the way the drugs made me beg Finn. When Sebastian touches me, it feels like walking into the sun after a week stuck in Madame V’s cellar. I forget all about my conflicting feelings for the Unseelie prince. About Finn’s secrets and his tributes. About the queen and the book. About a little girl’s prophecy and a goblin’s glee at telling me I have to kill the queen if I want to break the Unseelie curse without dying.
Sebastian kisses me back with more intensity than before. His hands plunge into my hair, and he tilts my mouth to his. I want to soak him up. To revel in these moments until I’m covered in them. Whatever my life is after he finds out the truth, I want to be able to remember this feeling—being loved and protected by Sebastian. Not Prince Ronan, not the next Seelie king, but my Bash.
When he pulls away, his breathing is ragged. He leans his forehead against mine. “I can go to my own chambers or I can go in with you.” He swallows. “But if I stay, I need you to ask. I need to know this is what you want. That you’re ready.”
I graze my fingertips along his jaw, relishing the short stubble I feel there. My feelings may be as complicated as my loyalties, but what I want from him right now isn’t complicated at all. “I want you to come inside. I want you to stay.”
His chest rises and falls with a deep breath and maybe something more. Maybe, like me, he’s navigating emotions that are heavier and more complicated than the stories teach us love should be. I take his hand and lead him into my room.
He waves his hand, and a soft breeze closes the door behind us. “You’re sure?”
“Yes.” Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe this will make everything worse when he finds out the truth, but . . . “I want this.”
Stepping forward, he reaches around me and slowly unlaces my dress. I let it fall from my shoulders and stand still in front of him in nothing but a flimsy lace camisole, matching underwear, and the dagger he strapped to my calf. I let him look at me, and when he lifts his eyes to meet mine, they’re hot, dark. I feel beautiful. If guilt nags at me from a corner of my mind, I lock it away to focus on him.
“You’re perfect,” he whispers. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
As soon as I say it, I see the vulnerability in his eyes and hate myself for the question. He didn’t kiss me until that last day in Fairscape because he knew I hated the fae. He believed I would hate him when I found out the truth.
I don’t have long to dwell on the realization because he’s taking me in his arms and cupping my face in his hands. He kisses me long and hard, hands trailing up and down my back, over my shoulders and my breasts, across my stomach. He grips my hips in his big hands and kisses his way down my neck, nipping and sucking at the sensitive flesh, setting my wine-warmed skin ablaze with every kiss, every scrape of his teeth and flick of his tongue.
His fingers are rough where they curl under the top of my camisole. The thin strap snaps when he tugs it down, baring me to his mouth and his wicked tongue. My eyes float closed and my head falls back. Nothing matters but the feel of his kisses, his hands on my body, the tingle of his teeth scraping across that sensitive peak. My core tightens with pleasure, with need, and I press closer, telling him what I need with the arch of my back and the soft sounds that spill from my lips.
I tug on his hair until his mouth finds mine again, and our tongues seek and stroke. He’s never kissed me like this. Raw, feral, ravenous. I unbutton his tunic and slip it from his shoulders. I want that sun-kissed skin all over me. But then he steps away, and I whimper in protest.
His lips quirk into a cocky grin. “I’m not going far. I promise.” He presses a single finger to my breastbone, and my skin tingles as his hand flares with light. He trails a finger down between my breasts, over my stomach, over each hip, leaving a glowing path in the wake of his touch. As the light fades, the fabric falls away, even my scabbard and dagger fall to the floor with a thud, leaving me completely nude, my undergarments in tatters on the floor.
He devours every inch of me with his gaze, lips parted, breath jagged.
“Magical showoff,” I say, grinning as I reach for him.
His deft fingers stroke down my back, over my hips, and back up. “What good is magic if I can’t use it to impress the woman I love?”
My heart squeezes at the words, and I freeze. I’ve known I loved Sebastian for a long time, but I’m not sure I ever believed he could return those feelings. I didn’t believe I was worthy of his love, and he’s giving it to me now, when my actions prove I’m not.
“I do love you, you know.” His eyes are hooded as he looks down at me. “Does that scare you? Knowing . . . who—what I am?”
Guilt breaks out of its cage and slices through me. “I was so ignorant, Sebastian, and so much of my prejudice came from my mother’s choices. But you . . .” I trace his ear with my fingertip, lingering at the pointed peak. He closes his eyes and shudders against me. “I loved you in Fairscape, loved the mage’s apprentice who kept me from despair, and I love you now. The golden fae prince who loves his family and wants to find a way for feuding kingdoms to find true peace.” I look into his eyes and send up a rare prayer to the gods: that whatever happens after this night, whatever comes of Sebastian and me, he’ll never doubt that I meant these words. “I’m so sorry I ever thought I wanted you to be different. I love you as you are.”
He opens one palm and a pile of shiny jewels appears there. Then the other opens and silky red rose petals spill to the floor. “Anything you want, Brie. Anything I can give you is yours.”
I sweep away the contents of both hands, sending the jewels clinking to the floor and the petals scattering around us. With a step forward, I guide his arms back around me. “I don’t need flowers or jewels. I want only you.” I press my mouth to his and slide my hands up his back, relishing the feel of his warm skin under my hands and against my breasts. “I want this.”
He nuzzles his face in my neck and breathes in deeply. “Have you done this before?”
I nod. It was last year, and only a
few times with a young man who worked at one of the houses I cleaned. There was no real emotion between us, just physical connection. Escape. It was good, but with Sebastian, it will be so much more. “Is that okay?”
He chuckles, a low and warm sound that fills my belly with want. “Sure. Just don’t give me any details, okay?”
I shake my head. “None of it matters.”
He cups my face, but he’s shaking almost violently.
“Sebastian.” I take his hands in both of mine. So big and broad, rough with calluses. “Have you done this before?”
“No. Yes, I mean—” Shaking his head, he takes a deep breath. “I’ve done this, but never with someone I love.” He swallows. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and it scares me a little—how I feel about you. How much I need you. It scares me how . . . how this has all come together.”
I smile. “Here we are. Against all odds.” I release the button at his waist, and our hands tangle as we work together to free him of his pants.
I’m not shy when I look at him—at his tanned skin and strong chest, at the tight muscles of his abdomen and his powerful thighs and . . . the rest of him. I do blush at that, but I don’t turn coy. I know what I want. I walk to the bed. Keeping my eyes on him, I settle onto the feather-soft mattress and crook a finger, beckoning him to join me.
He takes me in again and again, and my skin grows warmer with each pass of his eyes. When he finally climbs onto the bed, he lies at my side and props himself up on one elbow. With his free hand, he strokes down my body, dipping just below my navel and making my breath catch, then back up, between and across my breasts.
I hold his gaze and arch under his touch, guiding his fingers where I want them. “I imagined this,” I whisper, reaching for him. “Imagined you like this. I never thought it would happen. Don’t walk away now, okay?”
“I couldn’t if I wanted to.” His eyes darken, and he shifts and settles over me. The weight of him sends a delicious pleasure pooling low in my belly. I draw my knees up and lead him to settle between my thighs, gasping at the press of him against my sensitive center.