by Laura Ward
He stiffened. “Lex,” he whispered against my lips. “You can tell me to stop.”
I pressed my mouth against his so that our lips tangled together like our fingers had earlier—gently, mine surrendering to the protection of his. “I know,” I whispered back. “I want you to kiss me. Please.”
Who was this girl begging for kisses? Where was the shy, perfect Alexis who always did the right thing and who never took risks?
Liam’s hand tracked up my jaw, his fingers cupping the back of my neck to hold me close as his tongue pushed against mine. I could taste the danger of him, and I craved more. I’d felt so fragile since Sam’s death, so broken. But in Liam’s arms, I didn’t feel fractured anymore. I was different. Stronger. I liked it.
Fearful Alexis was nowhere to be found, and with that loss came a new freedom. I pushed my fingers into Liam’s hair, clutching at the unruly strands, pulling him deeper into our kiss. He groaned, and his mouth moved against mine with delicious pressure. Our lips touched more frantically, our breaths came a little harsher, and our tongues became needy and possessive. His thumbs reached up to my cheeks to wipe away the last remnants of my tears.
His mouth made a path down the side of my neck, and my head fell back against the seat. Each place his lips kissed left my skin hot. I gasped for breath as he pressed a line of kisses along my collarbone. His hands caressed along my shoulders, his fingers lingering on the straps of my swimsuit top.
With a groan, his mouth was back on mine, desperate and wild, like I had the air he needed to breathe. By the time we finally broke apart, the windows were steamed up so that we could barely see out of them.
“I should get you home,” Liam said. He ran the backs of his fingers across my cheek before tracing my bottom lip with his thumb. He kissed that lip one more time and then reached down and pressed the button to unlock my seat belt. “You’ve only got on that tiny, little bikini top, and I’m having a hard time keeping my hands to myself. Now switch seats with me before I lose my damn mind.”
Liam quickly exited the car, giving me no choice but to do the same and wish he wasn’t so well behaved. He smiled at me as we met each other in front of the car and when I walked past him, he wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me in for one more kiss.
“Sorry,” he said, giving me a half smile. “I needed one more taste.”
I had to force myself not to tackle him across the hood of the car and take more of what I wanted. It sure as hell wasn’t just one kiss. What was happening to me? Who goes from crying like a total wackjob to nearly mounting a guy she barely knows?
Not Alexis. No, Alexis would never do that. But Lex—who knew what Lex was capable of?
Liam was already in the driver’s seat waiting when I got into the passenger side. “Hey,” he said, pulling my attention to him as I got situated. “The sun’s out.” He pointed to a spot over the trees on the other side of the road. “Want to go look for the beginning of the rainbow?” He was grinning, and my heart couldn’t decide if it was touched that he remembered my happy moment or if it was terrified that the darkness was creeping back in.
“I think it’s only fair,” I said quietly, “that I confess.”
Liam leaned back to get a better look at me, trying to figure out if I was teasing him or being serious. “I already know you like me.” He smirked and ran his hand back through the hair that I’d made even messier during our make-out session. “Begging me to kiss you is kind of a dead giveaway.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “You asked me why I always look so sad.”
His mouth pressed into a thin line. “I did.”
I looked down at my lap, watching the fingers of one hand twist a ring on the other. “Two months ago my sister died in a car accident.” I lifted my head to meet his gaze and was surprised to discover that the words weren’t so hard to say to Liam. Yes, it still hurt, but I could say them to him without feeling like I would break further.
“So that’s why…” Liam swallowed.
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s why I’m scared of cars. And it was raining the night of the accident which is why…” I shrugged. “The rain freaked me out,” I admitted.
“It was raining the night of the accident,” Liam repeated my words slowly, a strange look crossing his face as he studied me.
“I mean, I know it’s silly to be scared. It’s not like the rain was the only thing that caused Sam’s accident.” As I started opening up and saying all the things I’d been afraid to admit to anyone, I found I couldn’t stop. I’d never even told MaryAnn and Talia about my fears, and here I was opening up to a complete stranger. A stranger whom I’d kissed.
I didn’t know much about Liam outside of class, but he sure didn’t feel like a stranger.
“Your sister’s name was Sam?” Liam pressed his lips together, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.
I nodded. “Yeah. She went to a party with her boyfriend, Declan. They were both drinking. On the way home Declan was speeding and lost control of the car. He ended up wrapping my sister’s Volvo around a tree. He died too.” Talking about Declan wasn’t as hard for me. It was his fault Sam wasn’t with us anymore.
Silence filled the space between us as Liam watched me, his jaw clenched while his gaze reflected my pain. “You must hate him. Declan.” His voice was rough.
It took me a few minutes before I could say the words. “I was supposed to go with them to the party.” Liam’s eyebrows furrowed as he listened, but he didn’t say anything. “My sister begged me to go—to break out of my shell and bend a few rules. But like I said, I’m scared of everything. I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I stayed home.” Tears gathered at the edges of my eyes, and I wiped them away, pulling in a shaky breath. “I don’t drink. If I’d gone, I could have driven them home. They’d still be alive.”
Liam shook his head, but I held up my hand to stop him. I knew the truth, and I didn’t need anyone sugarcoating my reality.
I looked out the window. “I do hate Declan Murphy. I hate him with every bone in my body. I hate him for drinking and driving and speeding. I hate him for killing my sister.” I looked back at Liam. His face was contorted as he listened to my story. My loss. “But I hate myself just as much.”
Liam chewed the corner of his mouth as I spoke, and I could almost see him pulling away. The intimacy we’d shared for the past few hours was gone. Blinds had closed over his face, and I couldn’t see inside anymore. I was prepared for this reaction. Spending time with someone who had lost a loved one was hard. Hearing about death and loss and pain wasn’t fun, and it sure as hell wasn’t something teenagers wanted to talk about or deal with. When I first met Liam, I thought he was trouble. I bet that he just realized I was more of a hassle than I was worth.
“I heard about that story.” His voice was measured and cold as he turned to face forward and put the key into the ignition. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
I’m very sorry for your loss.
The words rattled around in my brain. They sounded foreign. Wrong.
I’m very sorry for your loss?
That’s what the strangers had said to me. Right before they patted me on the arm and gave me a look of pity. That was a stock answer. A detached, bullshit, standard form response.
Liam started the car and looked at the clock on the dashboard. “Time to take you home. I gotta look for a new job tonight.”
And with that, he pulled out onto the road and drove me home.
In complete silence.
When Liam pulled into my driveway, he left the engine running, both hands clasped tightly on the wheel.
“Thanks for the driving lessons.” My voice was shaky from being quiet so long, and I looked at his profile, willing him to face me and prove to me that he could handle my confession. That it wouldn’t change things between us. That I wasn’t wrong to trust him.
He gave me a short, curt nod, and I blinked back my disappointment. I hopped down from the Jeep and ran to my fr
ont door without turning back. His tires screeched as he gunned the engine and took off speeding down my street.
All the breakthroughs I had with Liam today disappeared along with his Jeep. My confidence, my friendship with him, my willingness to share Sam—it was all gone. Right now Liam was more of a stranger to me than the first day I met him. The difference was, I’d gotten a taste of trouble. And now, along with the heart-aching loss of Sam, I felt the loss of him.
Chapter Six
I slid into my seat, the same one I’d sat in every day of driver’s education class, and waited for Liam to arrive. My stomach was in knots, and my throat was dry. Would he remain distant? Perhaps Saturday was a fluke. No one likes mortality dropped in their lap like that. And the crying. Holy crap the crying! I’d made things awkward as hell. But at the same time, Liam had given me hope. When I was with him, the pain was just a dull ache. He made me feel things that were good. I needed that.
The metal legs of the chair next to me scraped loudly along the linoleum floor. Looking up, I saw Liam scooting the chair a bit to his left. He was adding some space between us. My stomach sank. Nope. Not back to normal.
“Hi.” I ran my fingers up and down the metal spiral rings of my notebook, waiting for him to turn toward me. I should apologize for dumping all my emotional baggage on him. It wasn’t fair. Right now all I wanted was for him to look at me like he did before I told him my story.
“Hey.” Liam studied his phone, not looking up to me.
“Liam, I—” I stopped when his eyes met mine. They were cold and almost… annoyed. I swallowed around a lump in my throat. “I’m—”
“The schedule for our road practice times is posted outside the classroom.” Mr. Weinberg’s interruption was almost a relief. “Today is our last day of classroom instruction. You will take your written test after the break. Let’s get started.” He turned toward the blackboard. Usually this was the point in the class where Liam would begin harassing me, although calling it harassment wasn’t exactly true. I looked forward to his inappropriate comments and the way he almost made it his goal to see how many shades of embarrassment he could force me to turn.
Today he was silent.
I had no idea what to say to fix what had happened in Liam’s Jeep. It’s not like we were dating. Hell, we weren’t even friends. We hung out during class and drove together once. And then I had a panic attack when it rained, cried about my sister, and told him I hated a dead guy. All in a matter of a few minutes. No wonder he was sliding his chair away from me.
An hour and a half later, Weinberg announced our break. Liam bolted from his seat and out the side door. My stomach was too unsettled to hold anything, so I passed the soda machine and headed outside. I needed air.
Oh, who was I kidding? I needed… him.
Liam leaned back against his Jeep, smoking a cigarette and watching me as I exited the building and crossed the hot pavement. His eyebrows pinched together more tightly as I got closer. My hand pressed against my heart, and I willed it to slow down.
“Liam?”
In answer, he lifted his chin with a sharp jerk instead of responding.
“Would you like to hang out tonight? Maybe catch a movie?” I bit my bottom lip hard. Maybe if I pretended nothing had happened, he would too.
Liam took a long drag of his cigarette and glanced up at the sky, squinting from the bright sunlight. “Can’t. Already have plans.”
His answer wasn’t surprising, but it still stung. Not because he said no, but because his response lacked the personality and charm he usually exuded. Sufficiently rejected, I turned to walk back into the building. Before I’d even taken a step, I stopped and curled my hands into fists. I was tired of just accepting things the way they were. Of doing what was expected of me. Of rolling over and letting things happen to me instead of making them happen. Being around Liam, even for such a short time, had shown me what fearlessness could feel like.
I faced him and waited for him to look at me. “I’m sorry for dumping all my heavy stuff on you. Totally unfair. Won’t happen again.”
Liam’s jaw was clenched so tightly I could see a muscle pop as he took in my words. “You have nothing to apologize for, Alexis.”
I let out a short, hard laugh, hating that my nickname was gone along with everything else. “Clearly, I do. You’re totally different around me since the other night. I get it. No one wants to hang out with the sad girl.” A few hot tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I focused on filling my lungs with air. Breathing in and out. In and out. In and out.
“It’s not that.” Liam dropped his cigarette on the ground and flattened it with the toe of his boot. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans and walked over to me, staring at the ground.
I waited, but he remained silent. “Okay, what is it then? What changed?” I took a step closer to him, and he lifted his gaze to meet my eyes. The distant bad-boy look was gone. In its place was a mask of indifference that had been cracked. I could see sadness gathering at the edges of his eyes, his mouth.
“I’m not good… for you,” he said. “Not good enough for you.”
Liam’s words were jagged. They hurt my heart. I rubbed again at my chest. “That’s not true. I know we just met, but I’ve felt stronger around you than I’ve felt with anyone besides Sam. That’s good for me.” Liam shook his head, but I kept talking. “You listen to me like no one else does. You don’t hear the answers you expect, you listen to what I’m actually saying. I like being around you. I… need to be around you, Liam. I can’t explain why, but I do. I feel like I’m finally starting to heal.”
He shook his head and moved around me. “Sorry. I can’t be what you need, Alexis. Forget you know me.” He spoke low and harsh as he passed me and walked back into the building. I stared after him, letting his message seep into every aching piece of my heart.
Forget I know him? Impossible.
***
Sunlight shined through the window onto my mirror in my bedroom, casting a rainbow streak across my wall. I lay on my bed looking at the colors, trying not to think of the boy in black.
See the rainbow, Sam? It makes me think of you. I bet heaven is full of the beginnings of a million rainbows with you there. God, I miss you.
I had taken my driver’s ed exam a few hours ago, easily passing the joke of a test. Liam had been the first one finished, and he had turned in his test without waiting to see if he passed. I, on the other hand, knew that my grade would be the first question out of my mom’s mouth when she picked me up. When I finally escaped, a tiny part of me thought he might be waiting outside. I hoped he’d at least say good-bye.
But he was gone.
“Alexis?” My father knocked as he opened my door and peered inside.
“Hey, Dad.” I smiled and sat up, patting the bed next to me.
Sam’s death had taken a physical toll on him. Her loss had affected each of us deeply but differently. My mom was withdrawn and angry. Losing her daughter pissed her off. It made sense. I was angry too. But she never wanted to talk about the accident or the way she felt.
Dad, on the other hand, was an open book. He cried often and wanted to talk about Sam all the time. Physically, though, he scared me. He had lost weight, was always pale, and his eyes looked sunken. I understood his physical pain. I felt it too. Still, he worried me.
Dad wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “How are you, sweet girl?”
“I’m okay. How are you?” I rested my head on his shoulder and relaxed into his hug and familiar scent. Dad had worn the same cologne since I could remember. It was spicy and woodsy and would always be the smell I associated with him.
Dad looked down at me with a small smile. “Tired. Just tired. I heard you passed your driver’s ed test. Congratulations, honey.” He knew how badly I wanted to skip that class, but he also knew Mom was right. I had to learn to drive at some point. And going away to college without a driver’s l
icense would have been embarrassing and unsafe.
“Thanks, but don’t congratulate me yet. I still have to pass the road test.” I groaned as he chuckled at me.
“Want me to take you out tomorrow to practice?” Dad asked.
Liam. Warmth filled me at the memory of his patient instruction. I had been so nervous, and he calmed me right down. Empowered me.
“No, I’m good, Dad. Thanks though.”
Dad stood up and kissed my head again. “I’m proud of you. You’re pushing through. Sam would be proud of you too.” His voice cracked, and he rubbed at his eyes. “Mom says dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”
I stood, wrapping my arms around his waist. Suffering through my own pain was hard enough, but seeing my dad like this? The pain was ten times worse.
“Okay. I’ll be down in a few minutes.” I released my grip on my father, and he shut the door behind him. I sat on my bed, rubbing my hands along the tops of my arms.
My phone dinged with a text, and I looked down, my heart racing when I saw it was from Liam.
Liam: Did you pass?
My chest was filled with a violent rush of fluttering sensations, like there was an army of butterflies battling to get free. I thought I’d never hear from him again. I picked up the phone.
Me: Yes! Did you?
Liam: Can’t believe you’d doubt my skills
I grinned at his quick response, imagining the cocky tilt of the smile I was sure he was wearing.
Me: Can’t believe you’re texting me. Almost forgot all about you.
I was pretty proud of myself for that snarky joke. My smirk lasted a whole thirty seconds until I realized that the typing icon wasn’t blinking and he wasn’t replying. Crap! What was I thinking? I was seriously crippled in the sense of humor department. I had no business trying to be funny. Was he pissed?
Finally the icon blinked and his response rang through.
Liam: I tried
Swear to you I tried to stay away
Breathe, Alexis. Breathe!
Me: I don’t want you to do that. Please don’t stay away from me.