by Laura Ward
“Stacy!” her cousin said. “That’s not nice.”
I hadn’t known that Stacy and her cousin, Lila, had been on the fringes of the Greek Week event watching me make a fool of Asher and myself. But I couldn’t be mad at Stacy for her honesty. It was the thing I valued most about her. She told the truth, and her comments never had the bite that Julie’s did.
“That’s okay. Stacy’s right. I sucked.” I was glad that a job in a hospital would never require me to jump over barrels or crawl through tubes or climb over walls… all while tied to another person. Poor Asher. He was probably sorry I didn’t back out on the Greek Week events, especially the obstacle course he’d paired up with me for. He basically had to drag my clumsy ass through the entire course.
In the end, our sorority/fraternity matchup had won, but not because of me. It had been several days ago, but most of my sisters were still recovering from the celebration over our win. Taren had left for the weekend. Her boyfriend, Alec, had been in the hospital because he’d been injured in his gymnastics performance. He had a broken ankle, a few busted ribs and a concussion, and she was hoping to get a chance to see him. They had a fight right before his accident, and I knew she was worried that it was her fault.
I tried to put myself in her shoes and understand how I would feel if I knew Liam had gotten hurt in action. I was part of the reason he joined the Army. If he got hurt, it would be my fault. If I’d never pushed him away, if I’d just been braver, he’d still be back home, safe. The worst part was that I might never know how he was doing. It tore at something deep inside to know that he wouldn’t even answer my calls.
I was glad when Stacy had called, asking if we could hang out. With Taren gone and all the old thoughts of Liam bubbling to the surface, the ache of loneliness engulfed me.
Books and classes had always been enough for me the past two years, but now I was wondering if they were just patches over raw wounds. Did I spend so much time by myself because I wasn’t able to spend time with the person I craved the most? And even if that was true, what could I do about it anyway? Nothing had changed. Not really. He was Declan’s brother, I was Sam’s sister, and even if that didn’t matter—he wasn’t talking to me anyway.
Stacy wandered over to my desk and picked up a chain that had a crystal hanging from it. “Oh, this is pretty. Where did you get it?”
“I got another care package from my mom. She sent me a gift card to my favorite ice cream place. There’s a gift shop next door that sells those. She probably saw it and thought…” I didn’t finish my thought.
Stacy looked up from the crystal. “Thought what?”
“Oh my God,” I whispered. “This came the day after I went home for the weekend. My mom wouldn’t have wasted money on sending it, she would have just given it to me in person.”
I’d tossed the gift card and the necklace to the side without a thought, assuming it was another of my mother’s small gifts. I looked around at the other care package items that I’d received over the last year—the jar of skittles that I thanked her for but never named explicitly. The colorful scarf that my dad hadn’t known about. I picked up the Wizard of Oz mug full of kisses that came around Valentine’s Day. My mom had already sent me a February care package, so when the mug arrived, I assumed it was something she’d forgotten to include.
I frowned. My mom forget something? Insanity.
I quickly thumbed through my memory, thinking about all the little gifts that I hadn’t thought twice about when they arrived because I assumed they were from home. But looking back, I realized there were many items that never came with the larger monthly packages from my mom. And it suddenly occurred to me that those lone items were usually colorful or rainbow themed. Not the types of things my mom would normally get for me, but who else would send me things?
I never questioned where the packages came from because the return label for all the gifts was always the same, my home address. There were never any notes or names in cards. Anyone could have written down my home address for returns. And when I thanked my mom, as I always did, I never named each gift she sent. I just thanked her for all of them.
For the first time, I realized I was a fool to think any of those small things—the Scoops gift card, the Wizard of Oz mug, the rainbow scarf, the jar of skittles, the crystal necklace—would have been chosen by my mom. She would have sent me Godiva chocolates or a Kate Spade purse. She wouldn’t have sent me…
Stacy held the crystal up to the window where it caught the sunlight and tossed rainbows around the room as it swung from the chain.
My mom wouldn’t have sent me rainbows. She wouldn’t have known to send me reminders of Sam when I needed them the most.
My heart raced as I thought back to all the other packages that had been delivered to me last year that I never questioned because I thought they were just small comforts from home.
All this time I didn’t think Liam was speaking to me.
Maybe I just hadn’t been listening.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Are you taking these with you?” Julie tilted her head toward the flowers on my desk that had arrived right before finals started.
The flowers were wilted but still alive. I couldn’t bear to part with them. That was my approach to everything in my life right now. School, my dad, Asher… hints of Liam.
“Yeah. They’re coming. If you have room.” I zipped my suitcase shut and yanked it off the bed. It was the last thing I needed to take out to Julie’s car.
Hospice was coming to visit my dad for the first time today, and my mom asked me if I could find a ride home so that she wouldn’t have to leave him. She could ask someone else to sit with him while she ran errands, but my mom preferred to be the one to meet his needs. She never left the house anymore.
“Thanks again for taking me home,” I said as I rolled the bag across the floor to meet Julie on the other side of the room.
“No problem. It was time to head home and meet Mom’s new boyfriend anyway. Your house is totally on the way.” She grabbed the vase, and I followed her out the door.
“New boyfriend? Did she break up with that dentist already?” I picked up my suitcase as we descended the stairway, struggling to keep it from dragging down each step.
“Oh yeah. He’s been gone since New Year’s. She’s had at least…” Julie silently mouthed a few names as she flicked her fingers up one by one. “She’s had at least three others since then.”
“Wow.” Julie’s mom changed boyfriends more frequently than most people changed the oil in their car.
Julie shrugged. “What can I say? It’s hard finding the perfect man. No one should waste time on losers. Once the flaws and bad habits make an appearance, it’s time to cut the dead weight loose. Mom knows that better than anyone.”
I sighed in exasperation. “Jules, that’s not how it works. Besides, none of us is ever going to find a perfect man.”
“Well, yeah, not if we’re wasting time with the imperfect ones.” She looked over her shoulder with wide eyes. “That’s why you have to always be on top of your fashion game. You never know when you’re going to run into Mr. Right. You can’t go around looking like a troll. Not ever. You don’t get a do-over for first impressions. Mom taught me that.”
I shook my head. It worried me that Julie’s boyfriends rarely lasted longer than a few weeks before she found some shallow, ridiculous reason to kick them to the curb. It sounded like her mom wasn’t much different.
“My point is that no one is perfect,” I said. “Besides, when you’re in love, you accept someone. Flaws and all.” I pulled the front door of our house shut, and Julie turned around at the bottom of the porch steps to look up at me.
She scrunched up her nose. “Did you ever love Liam?”
I met her on the sidewalk and pulled the handle of my suitcase as we walked toward the parking lot. “I never realized it at the time, and I never told him, but yeah, I did—”
“That’s what I thought,” s
he said, cutting me off. “Do you love Asher?”
I rubbed my chest. This was an easy answer. I don’t know why it made me feel so queasy to voice it. “No, of course not. We’re just friends. Friends with… kissing benefits.”
Julie snorted. “See, I just disproved your logic. You spent a hot-as-fuck summer with Liam, fell in love with him, and still broke up with him. You didn’t love him through his flaws. On the flip side, you’ve been with Asher for a year and a half, but there is no spark between you two. You don’t even love him a tiny bit. You can’t tell me any of that makes sense.” She opened the car door and nestled the vase of flowers between a few bags, making sure it wouldn’t fall over.
I put my suitcase into the trunk and then shut it. “My situation is a little more complicated than that. The truth is awful.”
“So was that face paint Tommy wore to the Orioles game the other night. Which, by the way, is the reason I broke up with him.” She shuddered. “And it wasn’t just his face. He painted O’s Before Ho’s on his chest in bright orange too. Hence the need to remove myself from that awful complication stat.” She tapped her keys on the top of the car before ducking down into the driver’s seat.
“Tommy? Did I meet Tommy?” I slid into the passenger seat as Julie put the key in the ignition.
She furrowed her eyebrows as she thought. “Now that you mention it, I’m not sure we spent much time anywhere but between the sheets.”
“Jules,” I groaned.
She laughed and put the car in gear. “Trust me. Finding Mr. Right isn’t as easy as you think. And hanging on to Mr. Wrong shouldn’t be easy either.” She looked meaningfully at me. “How long are you going to string Asher along? He’s been with you for almost two years, and you’ve never had sex with him. He either has the worst case of blue balls known to man, or he’s a eunuch.”
“That’s not fair, Jules. I’m not stringing him along. He tried to push for more after the last formal. I told him I wasn’t ready for sex. He knows I don’t want a relationship. He could date other girls,” I said quietly. “I’m not stopping him.”
Julie shook her head. “But he wants you, and you’re letting him think there’s a chance, no matter how small, when you don’t just cut things off.” She stopped at the exit to our parking lot to let a couple of girls cross the street. “You can’t hang on to that security blanket forever, Lex. He’s a nice guy, and it’s pretty fucking amazing he’s held out for you for this long. He must think your panties are full of a magical lady garden or something.”
I scrunched up my nose. “Ew, Jules.”
She laughed. “I’m serious. It’s not fair to hang on to him if you’re never gonna let him into the promised land. He’s not the one for you. You know it, and I know it. I can’t believe he hasn’t figured it out yet. You gotta set the boy free.”
I looked out the window as we pulled out onto Route 1. “I know. I just—”
“You just think you can forget Liam if you distract yourself with Asher.” She reached over and flicked the rainbow dangling from my wrist. “I know that’s what you’re trying to do, but I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, chica.”
***
“You want to visit Sam?” I pushed my dad’s wheelchair into the living room and then ran my hand along the armrest like one of the Price is Right models showing off a brand new car. He wasn’t able to walk much anymore, so the wheelchair had become his only freedom from the couch and his bed. A nice stroll in the sunshine was exactly what he needed.
Dad forced a weary grin and blinked slowly as he patted the cushion next to him. “Come sit with me. I want to hear all about finals before I take a little nap.”
Against my will, my mouth dipped into a frown. He’d just woken up from a nap not that long ago, and most of his time awake had been spent with the hospice nurse as she administered medicine and tried to make him comfortable. Napping was all he seemed to do anymore. And even when he was awake, he couldn’t muster enough energy to eat or do anything else.
I shouldn’t be annoyed that he needed to sleep. It wasn’t his fault. But since coming home, I’d done nothing but watch him fade away. All those things that made him so “Dad” and full of life… those things were dwindling with each passing day. Hell, they were vanishing with each passing hour. Like the way winter slowly leaches the life out of summer, cancer was draining my dad.
I mentally slapped myself. I couldn’t spend precious time pouting. Dad wanted to spend time with me. I made my way over to the couch and sat next to him. “Well, I already told you I thought I did pretty well on all my exams, but I just checked my grades online.”
“And?” He raised his eyebrows, searching my face for a clue.
I straightened my posture and dropped my mouth open in a look of mock offense. “Aced them all. Of course.” I winked.
He reached over and patted my hand. “I knew you would.” A contented smile stretched across his mouth, and I was nearly bursting with satisfaction that I could give him this one happiness… pride in my accomplishments.
He sighed and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the couch. “I only wish I was going to be around for the big finale. I’d love to watch you accept that diploma.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat and made an effort to keep the conversation upbeat. “Me too. I’ve been shopping for reflex hammers and otoscopes. I’ve already got a box of tongue depressors squirreled away.”
He opened one eye and turned toward me. “You’ll look good in a stethoscope, Dr. Sinclair.” His tone was serious, not joking like mine.
“I’m not a doctor yet.” My voice was small. Yes, I aced my finals, but I had years to go before I earned that title. Years he didn’t have.
Dad closed his eyes again, his hand finding mine. “You will be. And I won’t be here to see it.” His usual positivity was gone, and I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to tell him he was wrong. He wanted me to tell him he was wrong. I couldn’t make that promise, but I also wasn’t going to point out all the things that were being stolen from him or from me.
I stayed quiet.
“There’s so much I’ll miss.” His mouth twisted into a bitter frown. “I want to meet the boy you’ll fall in love with. I want him to ask me for permission to marry you, and I want to tell him yes with complete certainty, knowing that I’ve never seen you as happy as you are with him. I’ll never get to know my grandkids. I want to see what parts of you and what parts of me they have. I want to watch them grow.” His hand tightened around mine. “How is any of this fair? It’s my right to watch you live your life. But I can’t.”
I rubbed my thumb across the back of his thin hand. There was nothing fair about this situation at all. And I refused to lie and tell him anything otherwise.
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too. But I’m greedy. I still want more time with you. Promise me one thing, Alexis. Promise you will live the hell out of your life.”
“I will.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
I promised him, Sam, but I don’t know if I believe my own words.
***
Dad had fallen asleep, and I’d been sitting by his side, holding his hand and watching television for hours when my phone finally dinged with a text.
Asher: Want 2 go out tonight?
Me: Can’t. Back home for the summer.
He knew that. I said good-bye to him before I left. I told him that my father was ill and that I’d be preoccupied with family matters for the entire summer. I thought he understood.
Asher: Come on. It’s Friday. We’re going 2 a party.
Me: I live an hour away.
Asher: Yeah, but we had a deal. Remember? I get to take the pretty girl 2 parties & kiss her after.
I was going to have to call him. I stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen to avoid waking my dad as I dialed Asher’s number. It only rang once before he picked up.
“Can you get here by six?” His greeting was
an audible smug grin.
“I’m sorry, Asher. I can’t come. My father isn’t doing well. I just can’t leave and go to a party.”
“Why not?”
Irritation crawled along the back of my neck.
“Because he’s really sick.” My voice was rough as I tried to make him understand. “He’s getting hospice care at home now, and I don’t want to miss any time with him. I’m afraid if I leave I won’t be here when—” I couldn’t finish the sentence. Silence hung between us for a few seconds.
“Damn.” Asher’s voice was apologetic. “I’m sorry, Lex. I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
“Me neither. I mean, I knew, but I was hoping it wasn’t that bad. When I got home… it was worse than I expected. Even in just a week.” I reached for the dish towel hanging from the handle of the oven, twisting it between my fingers. “Maybe you could come here to hang out.” The truth was, I was lonely. I could use a friend.
“Yeah…” I could hear movement on the other end of the phone, and I wondered what Asher was doing. “I already promised Pickles I’d go out. It was supposed to be a double date. Are you sure you can’t slip away for a few hours? It’s just one night.”
Seriously? Did he not hear a word I just said? Just one night? One night was such a large percentage of the time that I had left. I couldn’t afford to waste a single minute. Especially not for a party.
I tried not to be offended that Asher didn’t want to come or that he was trying to guilt me into changing my mind. How many times had I reinforced the fact that we weren’t a couple, that there was no commitment between us? It’s not that I thought he should come to hang out with me while I visited with my sick dad, but it was more the fact I was hurt that he didn’t want to. Even after two years of hanging out together, he didn’t feel any compulsion to comfort me or be here for me. After all this time, he couldn’t even do that for me as a friend.
Julie was right. I needed to stop holding on to him. Asher and I were wasting each other’s time. I wasn’t willing to be what he wanted, and he wasn’t able to be what I needed.