I was sorry for many things. I was sorry I couldn’t support her regarding this thing with Cassidy. Though I still stood by my decision, that I didn’t want Roxie to help Cassidy in any way anymore, my wife and I should have at least talked about everything a little more. That’s how we did things. We talked.
We didn’t do what we’d been doing.
I felt more and more like a heel the closer I got to the clinic, the thoughts of everything weighing down on me like a steel blanket. I had no idea if Roxie would even go to this thing by herself, but if she did, I had to at least try to be there.
Pulling into the parking lot connected to the clinic, I barely got my SUV into park before leaping out of it. I ran like the time I spent during ball practice and even quicker when I passed a tiny car.
The Mini Cooper was parked all by itself, lonely with a familiar license plate.
Damnit. She did go.
I went like lightning now, knowing that I was late, but I didn’t care. I had to be there. We… We needed to figure out everything that was going on between us. I got in front of the building, sprinting toward the doors.
I spotted her before even making it to them.
She’d been coming out, her purse on her arm. She rustled inside it like she was looking for something and, though I could have approached her, I failed to do so, staying back. She was actually coming toward me, slow and distracted steps in her sandal wedges.
I waited, letting her come. She wore a teal dress that displayed her shapely legs, the material bumping high over her stomach, our unborn child, before falling and swaying over thighs so rich and warm with color. Her dark hair braided singularly, she let it rest on her shoulder during her casual strides, and I wanted to thread the end of it around my fingers, bunch it in my hand while I buried my face in her sweet-smelling neck.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I should have been there for her and we could work this all out. Things didn’t have to be the way they had before.
She’s moving too slow.
I strode toward her then, bracing my hands for the feel of her after I took her in my arms, apologized, but someone else coming up behind her had me stopping once again.
The person came in hot and ironically, out of the same door Roxie had come through.
And they had Roxie’s cell phone in hand.
I knew because the phone had a pink case, a distinct case. I drew back, watching what seemed like the impossible.
“Roxie!”
Cassidy waved her arms after the words and wore a dress I felt like I’d seen before. She had it belted, tied above her own baby bump, as she gained on Roxie and the style and design struck me as more than familiar.
Because it was my wife’s.
Roxie had… loaned her a dress and she wore it, skipping toward her with my woman’s cellphone in her hands.
Roxie shifted at the sound of her name.
And if she didn’t look overjoyed.
Her hands rose into the air with surprise as she popped up on her heels a little, a phone presented before her—her phone. Upon accepting it, Roxie’s smile was evident, and Cassidy herself looked all too the pleased with my wife’s reaction. She’d made that reaction happen, made Roxie happy.
Together, the two redirected their steps completely, and I didn’t need to be a genius to know where they were heading. Hip-to-hip, they both went back toward the clinic, and I took a seat, the bench for the bus stop close by.
Head in my hands, I forced my fingers into my hair.
I sat there for a long time on the bench, by myself, thinking, but in all that time, it never crossed my mind to go inside.
Because she didn’t need me.
(Text Messages)
Griffin: Do you need time? I mean… to address this thing with Cassidy? Do you need time for it? Do you need to figure it out?
Silence.
Griffin: You do, don’t you?
Roxie: Probably.
Silence.
Roxie: Yes.
Roxie: What does that mean if I do?
Silence.
Roxie: Griffin?
Griffin: It means I give you that. I will give you that time.
Roxie: What does that mean exactly?
Griffin: It means I’ll be around, but not there, not at the house I mean. If you truly need time with Cassidy, then I think me being there will be in the way of whatever you two need to figure out.
Silence.
Roxie: I don’t really like that. In fact, I hate it.
Griffin: It seems best. I think it is best.
Silence.
Griffin: Roxie?
Roxie: Where will you be?
Griffin: With friends. Like I said, nearby. I have a couple obligations out of town, which you probably already know by my schedule, but for the most part, I’ll be in the city. Just figure this thing with Cassidy out. Do what you need to do. No need to worry about me.
Roxie: Okay.
Griffin: Okay?
Roxie: Okay.
Griffin: All right. I’ll be on standby for a few days, but I’ll be there in an instant if you need me, though, if Jackson and you need me.
Roxie: Do I have a choice here?
Griffin: You always have one. Always.
Silence.
Roxie: Okay. I love you. Be by your phone, please. Just in case?
Griffin: I adore you, and I promise I will.
Roxie
“Rox? This is… this is dumb, sweetie.”
I knew it was. It was insane, me asking for her to come down to…
Be here with me.
But I was nearing full term with Jackson, my pregnancy just over thirty-six weeks. I was tired. I was stressed, and I needed my friend, especially since my other one would be gone for a few days.
I had no idea what this meant for us, Griffin and me. We’d never been so separated on an issue like this. We had always been such a strong and unified front.
He’s just trying to do what’s best for you.
I knew he was which was why I let him take his time for the next few days. His texts said he’d be around and I could figure the whole thing with Cassidy out. He was giving me space, which was something I probably did need no matter how much my heart didn’t want that. I wanted him. I wanted him always.
I rubbed my forehead, my heart and head so conflicted. I almost told my friend on the other side of the line connected to my ear to forget it. I shouldn’t have called her. I needed to call my husband, tell him to come home, but her sigh into the phone made me hesitate.
“I’ll be there,” my friend Clare ended up saying into my ear, finally. “But only because I was planning to come out anyway for the birth.”
I knew she was, a lot of people were going to be coming out in the next few weeks.
I hope we’ll have it figured out by then.
I rubbed my stomach, my baby, just as unsettled as me.
“Will Destiny be coming, too?” I asked Clare, laying my head against my bedroom wall. I’d come in here to make a phone call.
“She wants to, but she’ll be visiting family overseas.”
Clare’s fiancée, Destiny was second generation Japanese. The two had met while we were in college and recently announced their engagement over the summer. So many changes in all our lives. I would have loved to see Destiny too, have her meet the new baby when he came, but I understood.
I told Clare that was fine, then thanked her profusely for even considering coming down here early in the first place. She said, “no problem,” and that she’d always be there for me, but she still didn’t like the reasons for which she was coming down.
“Call Griffin, Rox,” she said, toward the end of it all. “This separation isn’t just bad for you, but Jackson, too. That’s his dad and that woman in your house…”
She didn’t continue, and she didn’t have to. I owed Cassidy nothing, but her being here seemed to be beyond that. It was something else.
I couldn’t explain to m
y friend what, but I did thank her again. She said she’d be on the first flight tomorrow out of town, booking while on the phone with me. I told her I’d be out there to meet her tomorrow, but she told me with me being as pregnant as I was to just hold tight. She’d come to me via a cab.
I didn’t have the energy to argue.
I was just glad she was coming and thanked her again, ending the call in the bedroom just as lonely as I began.
God, this is so stupid.
My baby turned in my stomach like that was his way of saying the same.
I lay to my side, curling up on the bed with the little kicker going wild in my belly. I’d turned in early for the night, told Cassidy I hadn’t been feeling well, and so much in that statement had been true.
Griffin’s texts the day prior threw me for such a loop I had no idea how to respond to them, and I hadn’t at first. He sent it shortly after Lamaze class ended, Cassidy and I coming out of the clinic.
But he sent one before that, one that led me to believe he would be coming. In the end, he must have changed his mind, and that left me with who had originally joined me.
Cassidy had done so well that day, had been there despite being pregnant herself. We switched off and on, both learning, and though I thought spending time with her might actually be weird, it hadn’t been. It had been familiar.
Eerily so.
The woman had once been my dearest friend, which made it so damn hard when she betrayed me. She truly had broken me, so much and to the point, that I hadn’t really been able to have any relationships in which I was truly open to another human being for years. Even when Clare and I became friends, I hadn’t let her completely in. It wasn’t until Griffin.
Everything changed so much with him.
He just wanted me. He wanted me happy, sad, broken… He wanted it all no matter what that entailed. He let me be me with him, standing by my side whether the road was hard or easy. I grew up so much with him by my side. I became the woman I was today, no fear to take the next step. I could be the best mom I could be because I had such a strong support system behind me—with me to the end.
I hugged myself, the bedroom dark and incredibly quiet. I sat in the openness of it, thinking, pondering. The first flashes of lightning brightening up the room sent chills deep into my spine, and the downpour that followed hadn’t helped. Thick droplets of rain crashed into my window, and I sat up, the rolls of thunder and lightning pelting down on the house. I got up to close the curtains, bunching up my nightgown, but by the time, I made it back to my bed I lost all hope of sleep.
I wandered out of the bedroom, aimlessly, but eventually decided to get some water.
I kept my steps quiet passing the guest room, not wanting to disturb Cassidy in case she headed to bed, too. I put her up in there, and that’s where she’d be staying the rest of her time here.
Clearing her room, I made my way into the living room and would have headed into the kitchen to get that glass of water if not for the storm.
The room filled with light following a clap of thunder, the charged bolt illuminating the room so brightly as if the lights were on. I headed toward the sliding door facing the beach.
But it seemed I wasn’t the only one.
Cassidy was already there, her hand on her stomach while she watched the storm through curtained windows. That was why it had been so bright. She’d opened the living room curtains.
Something about the way I traveled toward her took her attention, because eventually, she panned over to me, a small smile on her face.
“Sorry,” she said, her hand dropping from her stomach. “Couldn’t sleep. Came out here.”
She didn’t need to apologize. She hadn’t done anything wrong.
I joined her, staring out those same windows. So much beauty resided so casually outside of my home. There was beauty in the day, the night, and even evenings such as these.
I rubbed my tummy, the beach and waves still visible through droplets of rain when the sky filled with light. The ocean was inky black, the winds and heavy rain causing the waves to crash hard on the shore.
“Remember when we used to sit outside in them?” Cassidy questioned, her chest bouncing a little when she laughed. “We’d wait for a storm and—”
“Just run through it,” I finished, facing her. “Dad thought we were crazy.”
“Insane.”
“Yeah.”
I remembered those times well. We should have been afraid of stormy weather, and most kids were, but not us. We’d wait for those days. Mostly because it concealed us. It concealed our laughter, our screams of glee. We’d run around in them outside my dad’s garage, and just well, be kids, her, Radha, and myself.
“Rad would always complain about her hair,” Cassidy crooned, ironically sounding so much like her sister back then.
My smile widened. “But she’d always come out with us.”
“Always,” she chirped, fighting the smile on her own face. “Your dad may have thought we were crazy, but my mom, she—”
She stopped the words immediately, almost at the same time I felt a jolt in my heart.
I did have good times with them all back them, all but that woman.
Cassidy and Radha’s mom had never been genuinely kind to me. It had been put on and so young, I hadn’t realized it at first. It took a long time for me to read between the lines, grow up.
Perhaps, Cassidy knew what mentioning her mom would do, how it would change the tone and suck out any joy from the conversation.
I decided to finish what she’d say.
“She’d yell,” I said, swallowing with it. “She’d yell and tell us all to come inside.”
Cassidy stared at me, her lips in a hard line. She nodded away from me quickly, and suddenly we were just two women reminiscing about the past. We were two little girls relieving it.
Things went harshly silent between us then, so many unspoken words weighted thick through the air like the heavy raindrops outside. They pressured us both, squeezing so tight to the point of suffocation.
Tired of the lack of air, I bid Cassidy good night. I was so very tired… spent on everything. I’d been playing pretend since the moment I decided to help her out, hardly anything good left around me.
Things had been good, had been happy in my life.
And how I managed to self-sabotage it all.
“Why did you help me, Roxie?”
She asked me the question on the way to my bedroom, my feet heavy underneath me.
Gripping on the hall, I turned, a woman with dark hair still standing by the window. Cassidy had the illusion of raindrops running down her cheeks, the droplets pressed to the glass outside painting her skin.
She held her stomach tight, coming into the light, and those raindrops… they weren’t raindrops.
She was crying, crying so hard, and I had no chance to answer her question. She turned away from me, her hand placed on the cool glass.
“I know why,” she said, fog creating around her hand. “Because you’re good. You’re a good person.”
I came back a little, watching her, those tears steadily moving down her face.
“You know, I knew about you two,” she said nearly whispering the words. She pushed tears out of her eyes. “You and Griffin. I knew you were married, who he was. I’ve known for years.”
I had nearly made it back to her by then, cautious with my steps.
“You said,” I started, my voice almost squeaking. “You said… You said the TV told you—”
She looked up at me. “It told me where you were, but only that.”
My head shaking, the chills were imminent on my skin, my arms beaded in a thick blanket of them.
What else had she lied about? What else had she led me to believe?
And what didn’t I know the truth to?
The possible answers to my unasked questions caused illness to rupture deep within. I had no idea what to do or… or say, but it seemed I didn’t need to do anything.
Cassidy’s throat moved thickly when she swallowed, her hand sliding down the glass of my sliding door.
“I saw it in a People magazine one day,” she said, her smile shaky, wobbly. “Both of you on the cover when your wedding photos released.”
We had given a few to the press for publication. We’d sprung our wedding on them, left them with nothing. We’d given the photos in good faith, my husband always willing to please the public, such a good man I had.
I sat on the arm of the love seat, staring at Cassidy from the back of the couch. I wanted to say something, but I no idea what.
Her forehead touched the glass.
“I saw him,” she said, nodding. “But my eyes… they stayed on you. You were beautiful, stunning in a long ornate gown. You were so happy.”
I was happy, so unbelievable happy. It had been the greatest day of my life, and it happened on Griffin’s family farm. They welcomed us there, the event completely beautiful.
Dark eyes locked with mine over the couch.
“And I was so happy for you, Roxie,” Cassidy breathed, those tears in thick streams. “I was happy you found something, someone.”
Her lip pushed over the top of the other, tears falling. Then all too suddenly she turned away, staring at the beautiful storm again.
“It just felt fitting,” she said. “Right. You’re such a good person, Roxie, and you had good things happen to you. It was right, only right.”
She kept saying that, over and over. That it was right, what happened was right, and I got up, going over to her. Those tears steadily fell, and I was so confused, the reason for them unknown.
Her head of dark hair lifted when I made it to her side.
“You know, Curtis and I were arranged,” she said, surprising me. “My mom’s idea. He had money. Money is good, you know.”
She sounded so lost, broken.
Reaching out, I started to touch her, but couldn’t… couldn’t find my way there.
She used the long sleeve of her top to rub underneath her nose, breathing hard.
“It wasn’t long before he started hurting me,” she said, her words haunted, eyes empty. “Emotionally… physically.”
Cherished by You: A Found by You Finale Novella Page 14