by Amy Sparling
The lump in my throat grows so big it might suffocate me. What the in the world am I supposed to say to that?
Zach holds my gaze, like he’s eager to know my response to his unasked question. He would be earning a living for us if I wanted him to. Do I want him to?
The sound of footsteps makes me look back toward the hallway. I’m saved from having to answer because my mom walks in looking thin and frail but surprisingly upbeat.
“Honey,” she says, giving me a smile that kind of looks like a frown. Her eyes flit to Zach. She smiles politely at him. “Hello.”
“Hi Mrs. Grayson,” Zach says, standing up to greet her. “I’m Zach Pena. I’ve known your husband my whole life and I just wanted to come see if I could be of any help.”
Mama pulls him into a hug. She’s lucky. She doesn’t know him like I know him. I wonder if she’d be hugging him if she knew he slept with me and then got on a plane the next day?
“There is a way you can help,” she says, which surprises me. What could he possibly do?
She looks at me. “Do you have a car? Can you take Bree home?”
“Yes, of course,” Zach says, sounding eager to help.
“I’m not going home!” I say, bolting up from my chair.
“Honey, you’ve been here for two days straight. You need a shower and a change of clothes.” Mama puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be good for you.”
I grit my teeth. “I don’t want to go.”
“It’ll be good for you,” she says again, unrelenting. “Just get a shower and some food and come right back.”
“I’ll take her to Skeeter’s,” Zach says. “I can bring you back some food too, if you’d like.”
“That would be wonderful,” Mama says. “Thank you.”
And then she gives me a quick hug and shoos me out of the room with Zach, trusting him to take care of me. Ha. If she only knew.
I walk silently down to the elevator next to Zach. Although a shower sounds good and food that didn’t come from the hospital cafeteria really sounds good, I don’t want to admit that Mama was right. She hasn’t left the hospital, so why should I?
I’m silent on the whole drive back to my house. Part of it is just so I can punish Zach and make him feel awkward. The other part of me just doesn’t have any energy to say anything to the guy who broke my heart. I’d had so many strong feelings for him and then he just left.
We roll to a stop at an intersection that’s close to my house. I look over at him and he’s looking at me. He gives me the softest smile. I turn away.
At my house, Zach cuts the engine and follows me up to the front door. I know he has to stay here because he has to drive me back to the hospital but I hate that we’re standing here on the porch together. It reminds me so much of the last time he was here, when I boldly pulled him into my room and—yeah, I can’t think of that.
The air smells like freshly cut lumber. Grant wasn’t kidding about the wheelchair ramp. It’s already finished and it looks pretty good. I unlock the front door and go inside, then turn straight for my bedroom. I figure Zach can fend for himself in my tiny living room.
Taking a shower does feel amazing. I stand under the warm water and let it wash away the anguish. Worries over my dad, and money, and what our life will be like once he comes home. The pain of losing Zach and then seeing him show up like everything will be okay. How can it be okay when he’s just going to leave again? I can’t date a guy who is well known for hooking up with hot girls in every city he goes to. That would be almost as stupid as having a one night stand in a hotel room with him.
I turn the shower hotter to wash away my feelings. I soap up and shampoo my hair and feel it relax my shoulders a little bit. Finally, when the water runs cold, I have to get out and face reality again.
I throw on a clean outfit that’s comfortable enough for sitting in a hospital all day, and grab my phone charger. I’ve been using the one Mama keeps in her purse but we really need two of them. I brush my wet hair and twist it up in a bun.
When I leave my room, Zach is sitting on the couch. “You look beautiful,” he says.
The way he says it with that deep sexy voice of his stirs up something in my belly. I want to launch myself at him, throw my arms around his neck and straddle him to the couch and have my way with him.
Luckily, I’m smarter than that. “What did you mean in the hospital?” I ask, glaring at him. “When you were talking about money?”
He knows exactly what I’m talking about. “Team Loco is my career. It’ll only last a few years and then I’ll be set for life. I could take care of us.”
“Us,” I say.
He nods. “Bree … I’m crazy about you.”
“You’re a womanizer,” I say, keeping my composure cold and uncaring. “You hook up with girls you don’t even know. You use them and you leave them.”
He flinches. “That was the old me.”
I snort. “Right. Of course.”
“Bree, you have to believe me.” He gets up from the couch and walks over to me, putting a hand on my waist. “It’s not like that anymore. You are the girl I want. The only one I want.”
I can feel my heart cracking apart. All those protective walls I built around it are about to be breached. I inhale deeply and stare at his chest because I can’t look into his eyes right now.
“I don’t believe you,” I whisper.
“Bree…” He sounds like he’s in pain. Good. He caused me a hell of a lot of pain. “Please.”
Before I know what’s happening, his fingers are under my chin, tilting my face up to meet his. He smells amazing. His other hand slides around my waist, tugging me a little closer to his rock hard chest.
I put one hand on his shoulder to steady myself and I can feel his heartbeat. It’s racing, just like mine. His lips drop down to mine, and for a very small moment, I am leaning up to kiss him back, and everything feels perfect.
Then I come to my senses.
I step backward, feeling physical pain when his body is no longer pressed against mine. I shake my head and press my lips together in a flat line. “No,” I say. “You can’t do this. I’m not just some girl you can fuck when you’re in town.”
“I never said you were,” Zach says, his expression pained. “Bree, you’re so much more than that.”
I shake my head. I won’t let his words get to me. I won’t be the foolish idiot to falls for a guy who will only fly away and go hook up with whatever girl he meets next.
“Why are you stringing me along like this? I’m not stupid, Zach.”
“Bree, I’m not—” he says, but I shake my head again and point to the door.
“Just go.”
“I need to drive you back,” he says.
“I have a car,” I snap. “I’ll drive myself back.”
“I don’t have to leave for a few more days,” Zach says, running an anxious hand through his hair. “Please. Just let me stay with you. I’ll do whatever I can to convince you that I’m serious. I want to be with you, Bree. No one else.”
“And yet you’re still going to leave,” I say, refusing to be swayed by a sexy man and his well-rehearsed lies. “So just cut to the chase and do it now.”
Chapter 21
If this were the movies, things would be different. As I stand here on her front porch while she’s kicking me out, the movie version would make the sky would crackle with thunder and then rain would start pouring all over me. She’d see me standing here, looking sad and heartbroken in the rain and she’d run after me, deciding that she loves me. We’d kiss and hold each other as the romantic storm gets us soaking wet. We’d laugh about it. We’d have a happily ever after.
But this isn’t a movie.
The hot summer sun blazes down on me, threatening to make me sweaty if I stand here too long. I give Bree one last look, hoping she’ll change her mind, but she doesn’t. Her arms are crossed, her lips are pressed into a flat line, and she’s got one hand on the front door eage
rly waiting to close it behind me.
“Call me if you change your mind,” I say, knowing it’s probably useless. I turn around and step off the porch, hearing the door close behind me. It smacks closed with a finality that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
This can’t be the end of us.
I hope she just needs some time. She’s dealing with a lot right now and maybe once her dad gets better she’ll consider giving me another chance.
The worst part of all of this is that she’s not wrong. Not in the slightest. I was a prick. I did hook up with girls I didn’t even know. I lived the life of a player.
I guess I never thought I’d find someone I wanted to settle down with. I never thought of the consequences because I never imagined I’d meet a girl like Bree. And now all those months of being a dumbass are catching up with me.
I try to imagine a life where Bree was the one hooking up with guys instead of the other way around. It makes my blood boil. I hate the thought of another man touching her. Kissing her lips. Making her happy. Giving her everything I want to give her.
I want it to be me. I know I don’t deserve her, but I want her to be mine.
I haven’t even considered booking a flight to Cali since I thought I would be here a few days. I drive back to my mom’s house feeling defeated and rejected and pissed off at my former self. This trip did not go the way I’d hoped it would.
Mom is watching TV when I get home. Her face falls when she sees me. “Is it bad?”
“Is what bad?” I say, because she can’t possibly be talking about my love life and that’s the only thing I’m thinking right now.
“Mr. Grayson.”
“Oh.” I run a hand through my hair and sit next to her on the couch. “Yeah. He will survive, but it’s bad.”
Mom listens carefully while I tell her everything that Bree told me about her dad. Mom’s face scrunches up in pain when I describe his injury. “Holy shit,” she says, putting a hand to her mouth. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to cook for them,” she says, sitting up. “His poor wife and daughter must be miserable. I’ll make them a basket of homemade foods for the hospital and I can call the other motocross moms in town and see about arranging a schedule. We can bring them meals every day for the next few months. That way they don’t have to worry about it.”
I smile. “You are the best, Mom.”
“Aw, son,” she says, playfully slapping my arm. “It’s what the motocross family does. When you were a kid, I got so much help from the motocross parents. Mr. Grayson was always so great to us. I’m happy to help out.”
I lean over and wrap my mom in a hug. She’s so much shorter than I am and it’s kind of funny since I’m the kid and she’s the parent. But I swallow her up with my hug and bury my face into her hair and take a deep breath. I love my mom. She’s always taken such good care of me and never cared about herself. It reminds me why I pursued professional motocross in the first place. My mom is my rock. I want to give her a better life. I do all of this for her.
When I release her from my bear hug, her expression grows concerned. “What’s going on?” she asks. “I know it’s sad about Mr. Grayson but you seem like something else is bothering you.”
I chew on the inside of my lip. I’ve never really talked about girls with my mom, mostly because I’ve never had a specific girl to talk about. And she did warn me not to break Bree’s heart and that’s exactly what I did. Fuck.
I shake my head and stare up at the ceiling. “It’s Bree.”
Mom watches me, her expression is half concerned and half told-you-so. “What happened?” she asks.
I heave a sigh. I will not tell her the details about that night at the hotel, that’s for damn sure, but maybe I can tell her some of it.
“Well … I like her, Mom. A lot.”
She smiles softly, like she’s seeing me in a different light. I shake my head. “No, that’s a bad thing. I mean, she liked me too but then I got asked to go back to Team Loco. I thought we’d have the summer together, you know? I had given up on Team Loco for the summer and I thought I’d find a way to date her and somehow make it work in the fall but… it all happened too fast and now I’m back on the team and she wants nothing to do with me.”
“Nothing at all?” Mom asks. “She doesn’t want to do a long distance thing?”
I swallow. Well, the truth is a little more than that, but I nod. “I guess she thinks I can’t be trusted to be faithful if I’m on the road.”
“Ah,” Mom says with a knowing nod. “Do you really like her?”
“Yes.”
“I mean really like her. Would you be loyal to her if you were in a relationship and you were on the road?”
“Of course,” I say, feeling a little offended that she’d even ask that. “I would never cheat on her.”
Mom nods, like this was the right thing to say. “So all you have to do is prove it to her.”
“She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Maybe not now, but you can change her mind.”
“How?” I ask. “I’ve already begged and pleaded with her.”
Mom smiles. “Just be faithful even if she’s not your girlfriend. Don’t go to those parties and don’t have pictures of yourself with girls posted all over the internet. Trust me, she’ll be looking for them even if she says she’s not into you. Once she sees that you’re not dating anyone else, she might change her mind.”
“And what if she doesn’t?” I ask.
Mom shrugs. “Then it wasn’t meant to be.”
“I don’t like that answer very much.”
She laughs. “Well, that’s just life, son. Sometimes you get the girl and sometimes you don’t.”
I inhale and let it out in a huff. I know she’s right but I don’t have to like it. I want Bree in my life. I want her to be mine. I also want to be successful in my career. Why can’t I have both?
My phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and see the face of my manager on the call screen. Dammit. I answer the call while my mom watches me curiously.
Marcus is in a great mood as he tells me that I’ve been offered a commercial deal for an energy drink that partners with Team Loco. They need me in the studio in LA tomorrow morning. It pays thirty thousand dollars for about four hours of work. Holy shit.
I can’t turn that down, but it does mean flying back tonight and missing out on my chance of seeing Bree these next two days. Marcus doesn’t really give me a choice to accept the commercial or not. He just tells me the energy drink company has paid for my flight to Cali in the morning and that there will be a car at the airport to pick me up. I get off the phone and tell Mom the good news.
“Wow!” she gushes. “Thirty grand? That’s not bad.”
I nod. “It’s not bad at all, and yet here I am feeling like taking this job means I’ll never get Bree back.”
Mom frowns and pats my leg. “You just need to do the best you can, son. Your career is important, and if you and Bree are meant to be an item then she’ll understand that.”
I try to visualize my life if things were different. If Bree and I had started dating years ago and then I got famous, would she be okay with it? Probably. I don’t think it’s my career that’s keeping us apart. I think it’s my past. My history of being a womanizer who never settles down.
“I think you’re right, Mom,” I say. “I’m going to prove to Bree that I can be loyal even if she’s not my girl yet. And then maybe one day she will be.”
Chapter 22
Dad wakes up after a week in the hospital. It’s tough on me to see him like this. He’s confused and in pain. While Mama and I try our best to comfort him, I can tell it doesn’t really help. Mama pulled me aside the day before he woke up and we made a promise to be very positive and upbeat around Dad for the time being. We’re not going to mention how he almost died, and we won’t mention his long recovery process. No matter what, we’re not goin
g to talk about money or our fears or anything. We’re going to be a supportive front so my dad can get better.
A couple nights ago, I’d gone home for another shower and I dug through all of the household bills. I added up what the important stuff costs on a normal month and was happy to find that Mama and I make just enough money to cover the bills. I’ll need to pick up as many shifts at the motocross track as Mrs. Sam will let me, and I’ll also find a job. Right now I just need any job. Even flipping burgers at Skeeter’s would be better than nothing right now. I’ll save my dream job search for after Dad gets better.
In the meantime though, things are tight. Mama canceled all of her cleaning jobs this week to be with Dad. Luckily her clients are all being very supportive. A few of them paid her even though she couldn’t clean their house and said to consider it a bonus for years of her hard work.
People in this town can be really nice. I’m glad I decided to stay here. Now I just hope I’ll never run into the guy who broke my heart again. I might not be able to handle that much longer. Hopefully I’ll move on. Maybe I’ll meet another guy someday.
It’s Monday morning and I’m standing in line in the hospital cafeteria getting some pancakes for my mom and me. The eggs here are gross and the bacon is soggy so the pancakes are your best bet. I bring the food back upstairs to the ICU and Mama and I eat it in the waiting room. I sit on the opposite side of the room from where I saw Zach sleeping that day. My eyes keep drifting over to that chair. I can’t believe he did something like that. What did he think my reaction would be?
Was I supposed to hug him and say all is forgiven? I can’t have a relationship with a guy who is just going to leave. I can’t have a relationship with a guy who doesn’t even know how to be a boyfriend. All Zach knows is how to have really good sex and then call a girl a cab.
I grimace and shove a bite of pancakes in my mouth.
“It’s your turn to go home,” Mama says after we’ve eaten.