Matt loved Josh. He wanted to be with him, even if it meant hiding their relationship from others so that no one would know.
Closing his eyes, he replied and grabbed his bag, throwing his books and clothes in. He paused, standing and looking at his reflection in the mirror. He closed his eyes, taking several deep breaths. His heart hammered in his chest, and his hands were clammy. Biting his lip, Matt lowered his head, closing his eyes.
He couldn't walk away. It didn't matter what he told himself. He couldn't leave Josh. Matt would always find a reason to return to Josh. He lifted his head back up, opening his eyes.
Matt loved him.
He loved Josh.
❊❊❊
Matt stood outside Josh's door waiting for him to answer. When the door opened, Matt gasped when saw Josh's face. "What happened?"
Josh shrugged. "Got into a fight at some club."
Matt followed Josh into the living room and abruptly stopped. It looked bare. There were no pictures on the walls, and he could see dents in a couple of them. The sofa cushions looked as if they had been ripped open, then crudely put back together again.
"What happened in here?"
Josh didn't answer as he left the room and returned a minute later with two bottles of beer.
"Josh. What happened?" Matt asked again.
"Not much." Josh slumped on the sofa as Matt continued to stare at the room.
It looked like a fight had occurred, and someone had made a poor attempt at cleaning it up. Matt sat next to Josh and swallowed some beer. What the fuck had Josh been doing?
"So, how are you?" Matt asked, peeling the label from the bottle.
Josh shrugged, lifting the bottle and taking a mouthful. Swallowing, he faced Matt. "Same as always."
Matt nodded and looked away. His foot tapped, and Matt rubbed his hand on his jeans. "Still at the coffee shop?"
"Yep. Great fucking job. Really fulfilling."
Matt watched Josh tip the bottle back and drink more beer. He bit his lip, his gaze following the movement of Josh's Adam's apple as it moved up and down when he swallowed. Fuck, he shouldn't have come.
Josh put his empty bottle on the floor, then took Matt's. Matt watched Josh put his bottle on the floor then move to lean over him.
"I'm glad you came," Josh whispered as his lips brushed Matt's.
Matt closed his eyes, taking in a shuddery breath. "We should talk."
"Later, Matt. I need this. Fuck, I need you."
Matt groaned when Josh kissed him, crushing their lips together. He grabbed Josh's hair in his hands and pulled him close. Matt had missed Josh. The way he kissed. The way he smelled.
He opened his mouth and stroked his tongue along Josh's, whimpering at the sensation, the taste of Josh. Josh leant up and tugged his T-shirt off, throwing it on the floor. Matt lifted up when Josh pulled on the hem of his T-shirt and raised his arms so Josh could take it off.
Josh licked Matt's earlobe then bit it, causing Matt to jump. Chuckling, Josh moved down, tilting Matt's head back and exposing his neck, sucking the skin. Matt hissed at the bites Josh gave him as he continued to move down his neck. Josh licked from his collar to his nipple and sucked it into his mouth, flicking his tongue over the hard nub. Matt gripped Josh's hair, holding him close to his chest as Josh continued to suck, bite and lick his nipple.
When he moved to the other one, Matt heard his zipper followed by the tugging on his jeans button. He groaned when Josh pulled his dick out and fisted it, his grip tight. When Josh stroked his shaft, Matt bit his lip, his hips arching up into Josh's tight fist. Matt watched Josh's thumb rub across the head of his dick, smearing the precome around. He moaned loudly, unable to hold the sound in as Josh continued to rub his thumb across the head.
Kicking his trainers off, Matt raised his hips when Josh pulled down his jeans, throwing them to the floor when they cleared Matt's legs. Josh stood, stripped, and then sat on the end of the sofa, patting his leg. "Sit on me," Josh told him.
Matt sat up and climbed onto Josh's lap, rubbing Josh's erection along his crease and over his hole. Moaning, Matt repeated the move, enjoying the sensation of Josh's heated flesh against his own. He grabbed Josh's biceps, his head dropping back, moaning when his balls pulled up, and he felt a tingle start at their base.
When Josh grabbed his balls hard, Matt grunted, looking down at him. "Not yet," Josh murmured, grabbing the bottle of lube. Pouring some on his fingers, Josh reached beneath Matt and rubbed his fingers around Matt's hole, before pushing one in and fucking him with it.
Matt groaned, his eyelids dropping as his hole twitched. Fuck, that was so good. When Josh inserted a second finger, Matt started to ride them, gasping at the pleasure the movement brought him.
"Fuck," Matt whimpered when Josh's fingers stroked across his spot, causing Matt to shudder.
All too soon, Josh pulled his fingers free and lined his dick up with Matt's hole. Matt felt the head of Josh's dick press against his hole, and Matt closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of Josh pushing in. It felt so good, every sensation magnified.
Matt's eyes shot open when he realised why everything felt so much better. "Fuck, Josh, you've no condom on."
"Got tested. Clean," Josh grunted, continuing to push in and pulling Matt down.
Matt bit his lip when Josh was fully in and leant forward to rest his head on his shoulder. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Josh pulled out then pushed back in.
Matt leant back up, resting his hands on Josh's shoulders as Matt fucked Josh. Up and down, Matt rode him, tightening his legs against Josh's thighs when Josh grabbed him by the hips and started to fuck him hard.
"Fucking missed this...missed you...fuck..." Josh grunted out with each thrust. "Don't...leave again...ugh...never leave..."
Matt looked into Josh's eyes, shaking his head. "I won't." He leant over Josh and palmed his face as he kissed him, thrusting his tongue into his mouth. Josh kissed him back, gripping the back of Matt's head with his hands and Matt moaned when he felt the slight pain from Josh's hands. He pulled away from Josh and leant back, resting his hands on Josh's knees as he continued to ride him.
The new angle nailed his gland, and he cried out every time it was hit. He felt Josh's hand grab his hips again and tighten the grip as Josh started to fuck him hard and fast.
"Fuck, Josh...Harder...oh fuck, just there...fuck, I'm comin'..." Matt trailed off when he started to come. Thick streams of come shot from his dick, splattering both of them. His body trembled, bliss radiating through him, his orgasm rolling over him. He gripped Josh's thighs tightly, legs shaking. Eventually, Matt slumped forward.
"Oh fuck..." Josh tensed below him and jerked as he also came.
Matt could feel him coming in his arse and shivered as the sensation shot through him. His dick pulsed again and come dribbled down his shaft as it started to soften. Josh pulled Matt forward, and he rested his head on Josh's chest, sucking in deep lungfuls of air. He licked his lips, and then licked the sweat on Josh's chest, listening to Josh's heart race. Closing his eyes, Matt inhaled Josh's scent. He'd missed him. Missed the way he smelled and the way he tasted.
"Stay the night."
Matt nodded into Josh's chest and felt him exhale. Like he'd leave. There was nowhere else Matt wanted to go. This was where he wanted to be.
Chapter Twelve
Josh stood at the door watching Matt descend the stairs. With his final exam the next day, Matt needed to revise, and Josh had to get ready for work. He closed the door and walked back to his bedroom throwing himself on it. Josh lifted the sheets and breathed in, inhaling Matt's scent. Fuck, he'd missed smelling him on his sheets.
Josh rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Last night had been amazing. With no rubbers between them, the feeling of fucking Matt was so much better. Josh smiled. No wonder Matt had a slight limp today when he'd left. Josh had fucked him three times. Not that Matt had complained.
Sitting up, Josh rubbed his face befo
re checking the time. He grunted when he realised he had only forty minutes before he had to leave. Twisting around, he stared back down at the bed and frowned. Why couldn't he leave Matt alone? What was it about Matt that kept Josh coming back? Why did Matt make him want him this much? He wasn't gay, so he shouldn't want to be with a man.
He rubbed his chest when it tightened. Only Matt made him feel this way. Like he was at peace, and everything in his body stilled and rested. His emotions always seemed to calm, and his mind would stop twisting and turning. The voice in his head would quiet, and he was at...peace.
Josh snorted as he stood. At peace. No fucker made him feel at peace. But there was no denying that was how his body reacted when he would pull Matt closer to him. When he smelled Matt's scent. The thought of not having Matt in his life made him feel... fuck, he didn't even want to think about it.
As he stood in the shower, Josh thought about his parents. Was he this fucked up because of how they'd treated him? It had progressively worsened when Seb had gone to Uni and when Tom had come out. Fuck, his life had gone down the shitter. They were afraid he'd turn out like Tom. The littlest thing they perceived as 'gay' was removed or he would have to stop doing it. A game or a song. A friend they didn't like the look of. If only they knew what he'd done when he went out.
Yet when he'd needed them to pick him up from the police station when he'd been caught shoplifting, they'd said nothing. Just drove to the church so they could pray. They prayed for him when they found out about the drinking and the drugs, but they never commented on the crimes he'd committed.
When he turned sixteen, things became even worse, if that was possible. They never hit him or hurt him, but he was ignored. He'd felt like an inconvenience to them. Seb was the only one that really mattered. The only son they talked about. He fucking hated it. Hated how well they thought of Seb, but for him...nothing.
University was freedom for him. He rarely attended lectures but got pissed and stoned. Slept around, and at some point, realised he hated the course. A course he'd chosen so that he could escape.
Tom. He'd thought about Tom constantly when he had walked away that night. The look on Tom's face at Josh's betrayal. Josh had wanted to run after him and let him stay, but his parents had screamed at him and had threatened to send him to some Christian camp because he'd lost touch with his faith.
Josh paused as he pulled on his work uniform. Tom. God, what Josh wouldn't do to change things, but Tom was gay, and gays were wrong. But they weren't, were they? Fuck, his head was a mess. Conflicting ideas and statements and words bouncing around and fighting to prove they were right.
He knew deep down that there was nothing wrong being gay. It was just the way you were. He'd seen it at Uni, but he couldn't keep his parents' words out of his head. The hatred they would shout as they prayed for his soul. To make sure Tom hadn't infected him. To make sure Josh didn't turn out the same way.
Maybe Tom had infected him. Maybe that was why he couldn't stay away from Matt. It was all Tom's fault that he was this way. He needed to stay the fuck away from Matt. He'd get over him. He just needed to fuck a lot of girls. That's what he needed to do. Fuck women. Then he wouldn't need Matt. Nodding, Josh finished getting dressed and left his apartment.
❊❊❊
Josh laughed at the blonde regular as she told him about an incident at work. He passed her the coffee, smiling when she ran his fingers over the back of his hand.
"You free tomorrow night?" she asked him.
He was about to answer when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Matt was stood watching.
"I'm not sure, it depends." He twisted his wrist and held her hand in his. He gave her a blatant once-over and smiled broadly at her as he leant on the counter.
Blondie bit the side of her lip as she looked up at him through her lashes. "On what?" she asked.
"On who's asking."
She let go of his hand and reached into her bag. She pulled out a business card and handed it over. "That's got my number on it. Give me a call. I'm certain we can arrange something."
She picked up her coffee and sauntered across the shop floor, occasionally glancing over her shoulder to smile at Josh. When she left, Josh looked over to where Matt had stood, but he wasn't there. Standing up straight, he scanned the shop, but couldn't see him anywhere. Matt had left. Why had he left? He had to be friendly to the customers.
Walking into the back, Josh grabbed his phone from his bag and checked to see if Matt had left a message. Nope, nothing. He quickly sent him a message and shoved his phone back in his bag and returned to work.
Checking his phone thirty minutes later, there was still nothing from Matt. Josh called Matt's number and waited for him to answer. When it went through to voicemail, Josh ground his teeth in frustration.
"Matt, it's Josh. Why did you leave? You know I have to nice and shit, it's my job. Call me back so we can talk."
It was after he'd finished work that Josh saw Matt. He was sat outside his front door. He hadn't returned any of his calls or responded to his messages, and that had pissed Josh off.
Josh opened the door without acknowledging Matt and walked in, leaving it open behind him. He heard it shut and turned to face Matt, arms folded across his chest.
"Why?" he asked Matt.
"Why what?"
"Why did you fuckin' leave? Why didn't you answer my calls?" Josh threw his arms wide as he shouted at Matt.
Matt flinched and looked away. "Why did you have to be so nice to her? You saw me stood there, but you didn't even say hi or anything."
"I was serving her. I have to be nice to customers. It's my job."
"Serving her? I thought you wanted to service her instead. Do you still have her number?"
"What?"
"The card she gave you. I assumed it had her number on it. Did you throw it away?"
Josh glanced away. No, he hadn't. It was in his bag. He shrugged. It was no big deal. So she'd given him her card. He'd had it done to him before. He couldn't understand why Matt was so worked up over it.
"You didn't? Why would you keep it, Josh? What about me? What about us? Do I mean that little that you would keep some bitch's card?"
"You? Us? We fuck. What more is there?"
He heard Matt suck in a breath. "We fuck?" Silence followed, and Josh tried to think of something to say. "I shouldn't have come over last night. God, I'm a fucking idiot. You know how I feel about you and you use it against me. I need to –"
"Don't go. I'm sorry." Josh's heart started to beat rapidly in his chest, a fine layer of sweat broke out over his body.
"No." Matt slashed a hand through the air. "You always do this. Use the way I feel or sex to get your own way. I can't keep doing this. I deserve more than this."
Matt started to walk away, and Josh leapt after him, twisting him back around to face him. "Please don't go. Just ignore the shit that comes outta my mouth."
Matt attempted to push Josh off him, but Josh was taller and broader and slowly pushed Matt into the door. Matt pushed at Josh's chest, and he stumbled back a few steps before he slammed back into Matt, holding his tense body tight.
"Let me go."
"No. I can't." He pushed his face into Matt's neck. "I can't," he whispered into the skin.
"Josh, please."
"Stay. Stay with me. I'll make it up to you. I promise. You've got your bag. Stay and revise, and I'll cook."
Matt's body tensed even more, and Josh held him, waiting for him to answer. When he felt Matt's body relax, he exhaled. Matt's arms wrapped around him and Josh held him tight, kissing his neck.
They stood like that for a few minutes before Josh pulled back and smiled at Matt. "What do you fancy for dinner? Pizza?"
Matt gave him a closed-lipped smile and nodded, following Josh back into the living room. Josh stopped and watched as Matt sat and started pulling his work from his bag. The tension in his body eased, and he smiled. This felt right. So why did he fight it so much?
/> ❊❊❊
Sunday lunch at the parents. Fuck, he could think of far better things to be doing. He parked outside their house and groaned when he saw Seb's car. Just what he didn't fucking need. It was gonna be pure torture now. Listening to their parent's bitch to Seb about his 'lifestyle' and how it affects them.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, contemplating just driving away. He could call Matt. He'd finished his last exam, so was officially on summer break. But, he'd have to deal with the numerous calls from them for not turning up.
Sighing, Josh got out of his car and locked it, walking up the pathway to their front door. He went in and immediately heard his mum.
"When will it end? It's been going on for three years. Surely you realise by now that this isn't right. This thing you have with it."
"Mum, please –"
"Your mother's right, Sebastian. You need to kick that filth out of your home. All three of them. How could you lower yourself to their standards?"
"Joshua, help us make Sebastian understand," Kath said when she saw Josh stood in the doorway.
"I'm not getting involved," Josh told them. No fucking way was he getting in the middle of their argument.
"So, you're happy to have your brother associated with faggots and scum?" Kath asked him.
"Tom isn't scum. Why can't you just accept that I love him and that we're in a relationship together? It's been three fucking years."
"Don't you speak to your mother like that. Remember what we've done for you. Remember –"
"Yeah, Seb. Remember everything they've done for you. All the sacrifices they've made." Josh sneered at Seb as Seb rolled his eyes.
"Joshua. Don't you talk to your brother like that," Kath admonished him.
"So how can we talk, Mum? You know what? I'm going. I've had enough of this shit already."
John stomped over to Josh and grabbed his arm. "You aren't going anywhere. You are here to help us talk some sense into your brother. We can't have him associated with that type. Next thing you know, the police will be calling us because he's abused some child. That's what they do."
The Bonds Within Page 8