"Fuck."
He stared at the phone watching as it moved across the floor. Matt. He could make out Matt's name on the screen. Why was that bastard calling him? He went to kick his phone, but missed, spun and fell to the floor.
He stared at the ceiling as his phone rang again. Rolling his head to the side, he glared at it before grabbing it.
"What?" He snapped.
"Are you alright? I've been calling you."
"I've been fuckin' peachy. Now fuck off."
"Josh, don't do this. We need to talk."
Josh hung up and rolled over. He crawled to the wall and used it to stand. Fumbling with his keys, Josh eventually managed to open his door.
"Yay, go me." He giggled to himself.
He stumbled in and slammed the door shut. Leaning on the wall, Josh slowly walked to his bedroom and dropped face first onto his bed. His phone rang again, and he looked at Matt's name before switching it off. He'd sleep a little then have another drink.
❊❊❊
"He's not answering now," Matt told them staring at this phone
"What do you want to do?" Geoff asked.
Matt bit his lip. He wanted to go over and make sure he was alright, but he knew that would anger Josh.
"I've not heard from him since yesterday after he left ours."
"Seb hasn't found Tom either," Ben said as he walked into the living room. "He's been out all night searching for him."
Matt stood and paced the floor, grabbing his hair. "Can this get any more fucked up?"
"This argument has been a long time coming."
Matt's jaw dropped as he stared at Luke. "How can you say that?"
"Josh has put Tom and Seb's relationship under a lot of stress. They're strong. They won't break up, but I think they needed to get everything out."
"They didn't get everything out. Tom left," Matt argued.
"Yeah, he did. But now they can move on. Clear the air."
"Luke has a point, Matt. I know Seb has been under increasing pressure trying to please everyone," Geoff told him.
"He can't keep everyone happy. His parents hate Tom and blame him for everything, and then there's Josh and his fag-hating bullshit," Ben argued back.
"I know, Ben. But that doesn't change how Seb feels. He loves Tom, but John and Kath are his parents, and Josh is his younger brother. They are his family. He wants them in his life."
"What? At the expense of his relationship with Tom." Ben scoffed as he stood. "They're fuckwits, and Seb needs to cut them out of his life. They're nothing but toxic with their bible-spouting shit. I fucking hate them, and I don't have anything to do with them. Fuck knows how Tom's put up with it."
"It's what they believe, and I doubt there is very much we can say to change that." Geoff stood and held Ben's shoulders as he looked at him. "I know you're angry, but it isn't going to help anyone. We need to find Tom, and Matt needs to speak to Josh."
"Why? Matt, tell me why you'd want to speak to Josh," Ben asked, turning to face him.
Matt sighed, rubbing his face. "I need to know he's alright."
"After all the shit he's caused, not to mention the pain he's put you through, you still want to check on him. You're fucking nuts."
"I'm going," Matt said as he stood. "Thanks for letting me stay last night."
"Call me."
"I will," Matt told Geoff. He turned to Ben, adding, "I'm sorry I've let you down."
Ben looked away, his shoulders dropping. "You haven't let me down. Just...take care of yourself. Don't let him hurt you."
Matt nodded, glancing at Luke, who smiled at him before leaving the room. Picking up his coat, he quickly left the house and walked to Josh's.
❊❊❊
Knocking on the front door, Matt waited, but there was no answer. Matt knocked again and waited. Eventually, he heard movement and stepped back as the door opened. Matt stared at Josh's bloodshot eyes and grimaced when the smell hit him. He'd been drinking heavily. Josh stared at him before he walked away, leaving the door open.
Matt walked into the room, closing the door behind him. He watched as Josh picked up a bottle of vodka and took a long drink.
"How'd ya get that bruise?"
Josh shrugged, lifting the bottle and swallowing the contents. "Doesn't matter."
Matt looked around and scuffed his trainer against the carpet. He gave quick glances at Josh, watching as he continued to drink. "I tried calling you."
Josh nodded. "I know."
Matt waited for another comment, but Josh remained silent. "Are you okay?"
Josh shrugged. "Peachy."
Matt waited again, but Josh didn't say anything more. "Okay. I'll leave then."
"You do that. You're good at leaving."
Matt glanced over at Josh. "Do you want me to stay?"
Josh shrugged. "Not bothered."
"So I'll go then."
"Whatever."
Matt turned to leave, and as he walked away, he glanced over his shoulder, watching Josh lift the vodka bottle, swallowing its contents. He turned back to the door and took a couple of steps before he was slammed up against the wall, then spun around. Josh was right in his face, glaring at him. Matt turned his head away due to the overpowering stench of alcohol coming from Josh.
Matt bit his lip, his breathing quickening. His stomach rolled, his mouth going dry. His heart beat fast in his chest at the thought of what Josh would do to him. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep calming breath.
Matt opened his eyes and looked at Josh, noticing how blown his pupils were. "Let me go."
Josh stepped back, and as Matt tried to move past him, Josh slammed him back onto the wall. He gripped Matt's biceps, and Matt winced in pain.
"You're hurting me."
"Why can't I stay away?" Josh stabbed his head with his finger. "Can't get you out. Always there. Why do I only feel like this when you're here?"
Matt swallowed, looking at Josh. "How do you feel?"
Josh pushed away, and Matt watched him pace the floor. Matt moved slowly away from the wall. He didn't want to move too quickly around Josh. He watched as Josh ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, then pick up the vodka bottle and take another long drink.
"Calm."
Matt frowned as he watched Josh paced the floor, continuing to drink from the bottle. "Calm?" he repeated.
Josh nodded. "Yeah."
Matt shook his head. "But... The things you say..."
"I shouldn't feel this way," Josh shouted. "I shouldn't feel this way about you. Fuck. Fuck!" Josh screamed.
Josh threw the vodka bottle, and it smashed against the wall. He dropped to his knees and held his head in his hands. Matt's jaw fell open, his hand flying to his chest, and he gasped, watching the vodka run down the wall.
Matt stared at Josh as he knelt on the floor, holding his head in his hands and rocking back and to, mumbling to himself incoherently. Matt struggled to hear what he was saying, his voice too low to make out the words.
"What?" Matt asked him.
"Why?"
"Why what?" Matt couldn't understand what Josh was saying.
"Why do I love you?"
Matt's eyes opened in surprise. "What?" Matt wasn't sure he'd heard Josh correctly.
"You and me. I fight it so hard, but I can't stop it. I hate you for making me feel this way."
Matt stood shaking his head, trying to understand what Josh had said. Josh loved him? He'd never once said those words to him, and he'd never made him feel that way. Well, sometimes Matt was sure that there was some emotion there. But, he was certain it wasn't love. Maybe affection, but not love.
"They never wanted me."
"Your parents?" Matt asked, confused at the change in topic.
"I have a son."
"I'm sorry? What? You have a son?" A son? Josh had a son?
"Nate. He's six now."
"Do you see him?"
"Yeah, because I'm a great fuckin' dad. There every fuckin' weekend."
"Okay. I shouldn't have asked."
"Why do you care?" Josh glared up at Matt from where he sat on the floor. "Why do you keep coming back? I'm fucked up."
Matt shrugged. Could he say? "Can't stay away."
Josh looked at him. "Why?"
Matt watched Josh move back, rocking on his feet. He watched as Josh continued to stare at him from his position on the floor, his face showing his confusion.
"I love you."
Josh shook his head. "Why?"
Matt stared down at the floor, trying to put into words the emotions he felt when he was with Josh, or when he thought about him. The way Josh made him feel, the way he wanted to be with Josh all the time. How he couldn't stop thinking about Josh. "You're better than you think you are. I see it."
"You need fuckin' glasses. No fucker sees shit in me except a useless fuck up."
"I do. Seb does. Why can't you let me in? Why can't you let me help you?"
"No one wants me, not really." Josh stared into Matt's eyes. "What about my friends? What will they say if they find out that I have you as my boyfriend? That I'm gay? I've seen how my parents are with Seb 'cause he's with Tom. Do I want to go through that? Fuck, no. The way they treat me now is bad enough." Josh shook his head, running his hands through his hair. "No fuckin' way do I want to go through that. I don't know how Seb keeps doing it. How he keeps going round there. He's a fuckin' martyr."
"Seb loves you, Josh. I love you. We can make this work. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to be with me. You said I made you feel calm--"
"None of that means shit if my life isn't worth living," Josh shouted. "Don't you fuckin' get that? My parents barely fuckin' tolerate me. How will they be with me if they find out I'm with you? Do you think they'll want me to go 'round there? Do you think they'll help support me?" Josh shook his head. "Why do you keep coming here? You should just leave. You should just fuck off and never come back. I'm useless. I'm nothing. Just go, Matt. Just go and never come back."
"You're not nothing, Josh, I love you. I'm not leaving you. Why would I leave you when all I want to be is with you?" Matt begged, eyes flooding with tears. How could he make Josh see how much he meant to him?
Josh shook his head again and closed his eyes, lowering his head to the floor. Matt took a step towards him and paused, unsure of what to do. He watched as Josh's head touched the carpet and his shoulders started to shake. He heard quiet sobs and watched Josh's body tremble. The sounds he made grew louder and seemed to increase in intensity until eventually, Josh's whole body was shaking.
Matt ran over to Josh and knelt on the floor beside him, pulling him into his chest, holding him there. At first, Josh tried to push him away, but Matt kept on holding him, kept pulling him in until Josh eventually slumped onto him. Matt held Josh as he cried, his tears soaking his shirt, and Matt gently rocked Josh, trying to soothe him.
Matt reached a hand up and wiped his own face, realising that he was also crying. The sound of Josh's sobs was wrenching. They seemed to come from somewhere deep inside him, and they sounded so painful. His gasps were harsh as he struggled to breathe through his crying.
Matt rubbed his back and held him tight, but he remained as silent as possible, even though he was also crying. As Josh's crying continued, Matt's legs started to cramp, but he held his position next to Josh.
Matt wasn't sure how long Josh cried for, but eventually, he started to quiet, and Matt continue to hold him until he fell silent. Matt shifted to ease the cramp in his legs but kept hold of Josh. The only sound coming from Josh was a soft panting as he tried to catch his breath. He heard Josh inhale and felt his chest expand. He seemed to hold his breath before quietly releasing it. Matt lifted the hand he'd been using to rub his back and ran it through Josh's dark hair.
When Josh lifted his head, he avoided making eye contact with Matt. Matt stared at his back, not sure what to say. Josh was seemingly calm, and he didn't want to ruin it by speaking.
"You should go," Josh whispered.
Matt closed his eyes and rubbed his face. He asked, "Are you sure?" Josh nodded but remained silent. Matt stood and looked down at Josh, but he never looked up. "Okay. You know where I am."
Josh nodded again as he raised his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Matt watched Josh turn his head and rest his cheek on his knees. His head was turned away from Matt so Matt couldn't see the expression on his face.
"I love you, Josh."
When Josh didn't respond, Matt walked from the apartment and stood outside the block. Pushing his hands into his jeans pockets, he looked back at the apartment window, but saw no movement. Sighing, Matt walked away but didn't know where to go. Did he even have a home now?
Chapter Eighteen
Josh looked at the remains of the vodka and grimaced. He wasn't cleaning that shit up, but he needed a drink, and he needed it now. He stood and went to the kitchen, pulling out the bottle of whisky he kept there. He reached back in and grabbed the tequila bottle too. He needed to get drunk and forget about everything.
Walking back into the living room, Josh sat on the floor and opened the whisky, drinking straight from the bottle. Lowering the bottle, he wiped his mouth, coughing as the liquid burned a fiery path down his throat. Grimacing, he lifted the bottle again and squeezed his eyes shut as he drank. Ignoring the burn from the whisky, Josh continued drinking.
An hour later, he'd finished the bottle and opened the tequila. It wasn't long before he'd finished that one too, and he stood staggering to the side before stumbling into the kitchen to look for more. He tried to grab the handle on the cupboard but kept missing. He giggled as he slid to the side and ended up slumped on his side on the floor.
Pushing up into a sitting position, Josh shivered. He tried to breathe, but struggled to get enough air into his lungs. He wiped his forehead and looked at his hand, frowning when he moved his fingers. His skin was clammy to the touch, and he shivered again, feeling the cold on his hot and sweat-soaked skin.
Pushing up from the floor, Josh tried to stand again, but fell over and eventually he managed to roll onto his side. His stomach churned violently, and Josh vomited. Trying to breathe before vomiting again, Josh started choking. His stomach lurched again, and he was sick once more but struggled to breathe through it. His throat and chest burned and Josh grimaced, lips pulled back fighting the pain in his throat and chest.
Josh crawled to his phone, and when he reached it, he couldn't control his fingers to enter his security code. He groaned and fell onto his side, curling up into a ball and coughing hard, his chest feeling like it was on fire.
A door banging outside caused him to jump, and he realised he'd fallen asleep. His stomach was still rolling violently, and he leaned forward as he vomited again. Coughing, he crawled to the front door, but struggled to stand and open it. Tears fell on his face as he scratched at it, trying and failing to twist the lock.
Josh dragged himself up, and managed to stand long enough to open the door, then slumped to the side. He dragged himself out through the door, dropping to the floor, grunting from the impact. Rolling onto his back, he stared at the light above him. He'd been pissed plenty of times before, so why was this different? Why was it getting dimmer?
❊❊❊
Josh woke and blinked several times before he could fully open his eyes. He squinted at the brightness of the overhead lights and groaned. His throat and stomach burned, and he had trouble swallowing, hissing in pain when he tried.
"It's about time you woke up."
Josh rolled his head on the pillow and looked at Kath, his mum. Closing his eyes, he went to rub them and gasped at the pain in his hand. Glancing down, he saw an IV line had been inserted. He looked around the room again and realised he was on a ward in the hospital.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Joshua? Alcohol poisoning. I thought we'd raised you better than that," Kath whispered, glancing around the cubicle to make sure no one could hear them.
Josh opened his eyes and looked at John, his dad, sat on the other side of his bed. Seeing the hard expression on his face had Josh sighing and closing his eyes again. Why were they here? He attempted to talk, but his throat hurt too much, and he tried to clear his throat. Swallowing, Josh grimaced at the pain he felt in his throat.
"There's no point trying to talk. They had to intubate you. You'd drunk so much they were afraid you would choke on your own vomit. They'd thought you already had, but fortunately, you hadn't." John leaned forward, gripping Josh's face and twisting it around, so Josh faced him. "Have you any idea how this will look on us? Our son? So drunk he ended up in hospital. The embarrassment this will cause us."
"You will be moving back home with us. As soon as you're able to leave here, we'll take you to your apartment and pack up your belongings." He heard his mum sigh. "We will have to go to church and speak to our Father about this."
Fuck. Why did they have to be here? He wasn't moving back in with them. No fucking chance.
"Right, Kath. You stay here, and I'll get someone to have a look at him. The sooner we get him home, the better."
Josh watched his dad leave the cubicle and rolled his head over to look at his mum. She glanced at him, shaking her head as she stood. "I have to make some calls. I don't want this to get out. You need to grow up, Joshua, and accept responsibility for your actions. We've been too soft on you, I can see that now."
When she'd left, Josh groaned again rubbing his hands over his face. He grimaced at the taste in his mouth and then winced as pain radiated from his stomach. He gingerly rubbed it and sat up slowly. He glanced at the line in his hand, and gritting his teeth, he pulled it free.
Josh reached into the cabinet next to the bed and found his clothes. Swinging his legs over the bed, Josh gingerly placed them on the floor. He inhaled sharply as the cold floor touched his warm feet and held onto the bed when he attempted to stand. When he was eventually steady, Josh stepped towards the cabinet.
Reaching in, he pulled his clothes out and started changing. He coughed and gagged when the smell from his clothes hit him. He had no choice. If he wanted to get out before his parents returned, he needed to change into them. Once he was dressed, he pulled the curtain aside and quickly looked around the ward. His parents were down one end, talking to a nurse, so he slowly walked in the opposite direction.
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