I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  Malcolm seemed embarrassed. “He’s hard on women.”

  “I figured that out pretty early.”

  “He seems different with you.”

  That was circumstances nothing more. Or so she’d like to think. “I’m the only unattached girl guppy in the tank.”

  “Doesn’t mean things are going to happen.”

  “We are just having fun. We happened to get caught. Things will end and a couple of years from now, I’ll just be a blip on the radar of your lives.”

  “Are you selling yourself short?”

  She didn’t think so. “Just being real.”

  “You confuse me Jane.”

  She held up her hands. “I know. I’m only interested in having sex with him and not the trappings of his life. You guys should date more regular women. I think your perspective is warped.”

  “Know any?” He pushed his empty plate away.

  “I might, but you don’t need my help.”

  He gave her a lopsided grin. “Okay. Listen I’m going to head out. Thanks for the pancakes. We’ll see you tomorrow.

  ‘Night Jane.”

  “Night.” She listened to him walk out of her apartment and a tidal wave of guilt washed over her. She was going to turn his life inside out if she wasn’t careful. God knows she didn’t want to.

  Chapter Nineteen

  JANE OPENED the front door lugging a garment bag and her wig box. Day forty two of her captivity and she was getting restless. She was going to be hanging out with Malcolm’s family and she had a bad feeling about the day. “Honey I’m home.”

  “In here, Jane.”

  Jane walked into the parlor to find Chill, Twist, and Mick looking at a laptop. “What’s up?”

  “What do you know about fan fiction?” Mick asked.

  She put her box on the table. “It's made up stories from other stories. Why’s it important?”

  “Your friend Paige sent me an email about some stories popping up on the net about Declan.”

  “What kind of stories?”

  “Lots of sex and suicide.”

  Well that was nice. “We know who’s been writing these stories?”

  “There’s a handful of writers doing it. One of them with some details about the house and even pictures of Declan in New Orleans.”

  Shit that meant they were getting close. “The P.D. got a line on her?”

  “We haven’t called them yet.”

  “Really? Why not?”

  Mick puffed up his chest. “I just got the email like ten minutes ago.”

  Yeah right. He wanted to bag this deer himself. “You don’t like Detective Swan.”

  Twist grimaced his olive skin going red. “He’s an ex-navy dickhead lifeguard, who wants to impress you.”

  “Mick, this is his job.”

  “He’s not right for you.” Chill added.

  Get knocked up and now they cared about her personal life. This was some crazy shit. “My dad is his boss. You’re making my dad look bad.”

  “I’ll call him tomorrow.” Mick promised.

  Jane wasn’t sure if she believed him. “Oh I get it. I’m in L.A. until Tuesday.”

  Mick gave her a fake expression of concern. “I’m thinking you’d appreciate that.”

  Jane rubbed her forehead. “Did anyone tell Declan?”

  Mick shook his head. “While you’re in L.A. we are going to set up some additional surveillance around the house to see if we can catch some regulars.”

  That wasn’t a bad idea, but she felt they needed more. “Do you want me to have Paige on site? She’s the best in the business and it won’t hurt to have an extra pair of boots on the ground.”

  “Can we afford her?”

  “I’ll get you a deal.”

  Mick nodded. “Sweet.”

  “Where’s everyone at? Don’t we have a party to attend?”

  “Picking people up from the hotel, the airport, and getting ready.”

  She checked her watch. “I have an hour?”

  “Yeah, have you talked to Declan?” Mick asked.

  He was worse than a woman. “Just on the phone, I needed a little me time. I spent the day with the family.”

  “You tell them?”

  “I’m going to wait until I make a decision. I think Pete would make Declan marry me.”

  “I’d make him marry you.”

  If only lasers could shoot out of her eyes she’d fry his ass. “What is this 1840?”

  “I’m going to let that one go.”

  “Thanks Dad.”

  “You ready to go to L.A.?”

  Malcolm’s family was going to Florida for a few days. Shane decided on some communing with nature at Hawkman’s farm, and Travis and Charlotte were going to spend some time in Detroit. Declan decided to visit his mother and brother in L.A. If he could get a hold of him. So far baby brother Shaw and Declan were just trading text messages. “Yeah. Chill you ready?”

  Chill gave her the thumbs up sign.

  “You ready to meet his mother?”

  She was. “I read her file, sad.”

  “I don’t understand how something like that happens.”

  Jane did. She’d done her fair share of interrogations and understood how fragile the human mind was. You throw enough shit onto a person, you break them. She’d never hurt a prisoner physically, but she’d done her damage. “You wind someone up enough if you know what you’re doing, it’s not hard. We all have a breaking point.”

  “Even you?”

  She did. “After my mom, I didn’t talk for six months.”

  “I didn’t know that.”

  She shrugged, but there was still pain. Not as much as there used to be, but still there. It would never go away, but she learned to deal. “Life toughens you up.”

  “It has to.”

  With that Jane turned and went upstairs and ran herself a bath. She needed to get her head together to face Malcolm’s family. They had rented a private dining room at a restaurant for the shindig and she’d have to be on Declan’s arm.

  She eased down into the warm water. Her muscles were tired from her workout before she got here.

  When had her once simple life become so complicated? A couple of months ago, she worked when she wanted to. For who she wanted to. As much as she wanted to. All she had to do was catch a bad guy, deliver a package, or stop a bullet and go have a drink afterwards. She wasn’t sure if she regretted taking this job, but damn it had come with some strings she couldn’t just shake off.

  She sighed. She really didn’t want to meet Malcolm’s family. Her occasional phone calls with his mother terrified her. That woman was a whole other kind of ball buster. She didn’t think Cherry knew her mom. Even though Fox had taken her mother on tour with him. What were the chances they’d bumped into each other? She was being silly, who’d remember some random woman after thirty years. To those people her mother’s memory was just as dead as she was.

  The hot water eased her tired muscles. At least the bath was good. She was going to miss this tub. She fit comfortably and didn’t have to scrunch up her tall body. She was going to get a tub just like this in her bathroom when she bought her house. That’s what she needed to do: focus on her future and she would get through this.

  * * *

  DECLAN HOPED he made the right decision. He had to get Malcolm out of his funk. He sat across the limo from Fox. He was an older grayer version of Malcolm. Same dark hair although going a bit silver at the temples. Seafoam green eyes and a sly grin that made all the girls panties drop back in the eighties. His face was leaner and craggier now. But then nearly forty years of hard partying rock star life can do that. Fox Elliot was a cautionary tale, until five years ago when he got clean, after his middle son got popped for drug trafficking.

  “You sure Malcolm’s going to be okay with me coming to his party?”

  Declan shrugged. “It’s time to bury the hatchet.”

  Fox ran a hand over his face. “He’s not going to be hap
py to see me.”

  “He’s in a bad place right now. Just support him.”

  “He took Andy’s death hard.” Fox stared out the window.

  “We all did.”

  “Andy always tried to get me to …”

  That didn’t surprise Declan. Andy was the peacemaker. “If it gets rough, you can always hitch a ride back to L.A. with me, but at least you tried.”

  “I burned that bridge a long time ago.”

  The limo stopped in the front of the house. “You can do this.”

  “I’m glad you think so. I need a drink.”

  Oh hell no. “To see your kid?”

  “So I don’t drop to my knees and beg for him to let me into his life.”

  Declan reached out and put a hand on Fox’s shoulder. “You got this. Cherry and Lana will be there and Malcolm won’t be a dickhead in front of his mother and his sister.”

  Fox took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”

  “You’ll be fine.”

  They got out of the car and headed up the walkway. He’d gotten a text from Gavin telling him everyone was there waiting. He knew it was going to be a great surprise for everyone. Declan got to the door and opened it. Everyone was gathered in the living room and he grabbed Fox by the elbow and led him in. “Hey we’re here.”

  “Who’s we?” Malcolm asked.

  Declan yanked Fox in through the door. “Surprise.”

  Silence reigned as everyone stared at them. Finally after a couple of seconds, Malcolm stepped forward. “Fox.”

  “Happy Birthday son.”

  Malcolm gave him a tight smile and for a second Declan saw a brief flash of anger in his eyes. Not his best plan. Hopefully that thirty year old bottle of Macallan single malt would make up for it.

  “Thank you. When did you get into town?”

  “Tonight.”

  “Oh.”

  Cherry walked up to Fox and kissed him on the cheek. “Are you coming to Florida with us?”

  Declan turned to Malcolm. Fox regarded Malcolm and then Cherry glared at Malcolm. Declan held his breath.

  Malcolm smiled. “It would be great to have you.”

  Declan let himself breathe and thanked God for Cherry’s good manners and the fact she could intimidate everyone from Satan to Malcolm.

  “Have a seat, we’re just waiting for Declan’s bodyguard.” Cherry lead Fox to the sofa.

  Malcolm walked over to him. “We’re going to talk about this later.”

  “I got you scotch.”

  “Macallan’s?”

  Declan nodded. “Eight grand worth.”

  “I might forgive you, Daddy.”

  “Keep that on the DL for the moment.”

  Malcolm gave him an evil smile. “What fun would that be?”

  “Where is Jane?”

  Malcolm pointed to the stairs. “Your baby mama’s getting ready.”

  “Get it all out of your system now.”

  “And here she is.”

  Declan turned to see her coming down the stairs. She was wearing this skin tight red dress that was just two shades from being hootchie, but damn she looked hot. The deep v of the dress barely contained her breasts and the hem hit just under her ass cheeks. For a second he couldn’t breathe. He’d wish she could ditch the wig, but hey she had a job to do. He loved her dark hair next to her golden skin. He walked to the double doors just as she reached them. “You look great.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Thanks. The only thing missing from this dress is a lamppost and a pimp.”

  “I’ll buy you something classy in L.A.”

  She raised her hackles at him. Shit maybe she was having pregnancy mood swings. He read about them in his baby book. “Come meet the family.” He pulled her to into the parlor. “Everybody this is Jane. Jane this is everybody.”

  Fox stood up with this dazed look on his face. “Yasmeen?”

  The color drained from Jane’s face. He saw panic in her eyes.

  Her lips trembled. “I’m Jane, her daughter.”

  What the fuck Declan thought. Fox looked like he was going to pass out and Jane looked like she was going to hightail it to Canada.

  Cherry stomped over to Jane and eyed her up and down and her face got all red and twisted. She turned to Fox and slapped him across the face. “You fucking bastard.”

  “What?” Fox palmed his cheek.

  What the hell was going on?

  Cherry jabbed a finger at Jane. “She’s your daughter, asshole. Look at her eyes.”

  “No.” Fox grabbed Malcolm.

  “Jane,” Declan heard himself saying.

  Fox walked up to her and put his hand on her cheek and Declan thought she might hit him, but she looked like she wanted to cry. “Is it true?”

  “Yes.” She said softly.

  Declan’s head was reeling. She’d lied to him. All this time she knew and she said nothing. Rage boiled inside of him. Suddenly he was spun around and he saw a fist flying toward his face. It connected and pain coursed through his lip.

  “You knocked up my sister, you Goddamn mother fucker. You’re gonna marry her and you are never fucking another woman as long as you live or I’m going to kill you.

  Mick grabbed Malcolm by the shoulder. “Well that cat is out of the bag.”

  Declan tried to open his eyes. Then he passed out.

  Chapter Twenty

  CHAOS EXPLODED in the room and everyone was talking at once. As best as she could in the tight dress Jane bent down and patted Declan’s cheek. “C’mon, I taught you to take a punch better than this.”

  “Everyone at ease.” Mick said. “Sit down.”

  Declan opened his eyes. Jane saw the anger and hurt in his eyes. The time to come clean had finally arrived. “You okay?”

  He jerked away from her. “Don’t touch me.” He stood.

  Malcolm stepped forward and opened his mouth.

  “I don’t want to hear it right now.” He turned to her. “What kind of game are you playing?”

  Jane glanced at Fox who was sitting on the sofa his head in his hands. Cherry was sitting next to him glaring at her. “I have an explanation.”

  “I’m sure you do.” Declan loomed over her.

  “Don’t get in my face.”

  “Then talk.”

  Mick stepped between them. “Go in the living room. You talk to Fox first.”

  Jane noticed everyone else staring at her. Jocelyn, Shane, Charlotte, Travis, Malcolm, his sister, and step-father all seemed to waiting for more fireworks.

  Gavin’s face on the other hand had paled like he was ready to puke. “Are you okay G-baby?”

  “I’m a perv. You’re my sister and I wanna bone you. I’m a sick perv. I’m never gonna…” He pointed to his crotch. “Again.”

  Jane patted him on the arm. “We don’t share any DNA.”

  Relief spread over his cute face. “My boy is back.”

  All was right with his world. Jane went into the room and sat down on the sofa across from Fox and Cherry. She heard the door close behind her and turned around to see Mick standing inside the room. At least someone had her back.

  The seconds passed and she wasn’t able to say anything. Her hands were shaking. Fox just looked so sad and broken. Of all the scenarios she envisioned if she ever met her father this wasn’t one of them. She stood and walked to the door and opened it. Everyone was waiting outside. Gavin even seemed to have his ear to the door. “You might as well come in.”

  She sat down and waited for everyone to find a seat. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s going to be easier for me if you just ask me questions.”

  “Yeah,” Declan said. “Be careful she’s tricky.”

  She rubbed her forehead. “I deserve that.”

  Fox raised his head. “You’re pregnant? With Declan’s kid?”

  She held up her hand. “I haven’t made any decisions about the baby, and I’m not marrying Declan no matter what Malcolm thinks. Any baby talk is off the table as well a
s a shotgun wedding.”

  “Am I your dad?”

  “Yes.”

  “How long have you known?”

  She took a deep breath. “I found out when I was vetted to work at the Pentagon after I graduated from college.”

  “Where did you go to school?”

  “West Point.”

  “I’m impressed. What did you do at the Pentagon?”

  “Thank you, but before we go any further, there are things I can talk about and things I can’t because they are classified. I will let you know, but I can tell you that I worked for Military Intelligence before I went to the Middle East.”

  “Where is Yasmeen?”

  “She died when I was six.”

  He stared at her and the hope died in his eyes. A tear rolled down his cheek and Cherry grabbed his hand. “How?”

  She thought about softening the blow, but she didn’t. “She was murdered.”

  “Who killed her?”

  “Her father.”

  Charlotte gasped. “Oh my God.”

  Declan glared at her. “You said you didn’t know who it was.”

  She never lied. She’d chosen her words carefully. “I said there was never an arrest.”

  “Why not?” Cherry asked.

  “That is straying into territory I can’t talk about.”

  “Fuck that.” Declan growled.

  “Stand down.” Mick barked.

  “He had diplomatic immunity.” Fox said.

  That surprised Jane. Her mother never talked about her family with her. She found it all out later. “She talked about her family?”

  Fox nodded his head. “He was a finance minister for Takar and his father was the Emir.”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you a princess?” Gavin asked.

  “No. My grandfather divorced my grandmother when she couldn’t have any more children.”

  Fox took a deep breath. “Why did he kill Yasmeen?”

  “She was the mistress of a rock star and ended up pregnant and abandoned. She dishonored her family.” She said with an undertone of rage.

  “I didn’t know.”

  Jane fisted her hands. “Or didn’t want to know.”

  Another tear slipped down his cheek. “She never told me. We were going to get married. I signed the divorce papers. I just wanted her and my boys. I didn’t care about the money. I gave Claudia everything. I’d bought a house in Brentwood. I came back to the hotel and she was gone. She took some money and her jewelry and left me there. I tried to find her.”