I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  She turned to face him. She loved the concern in his voice. In the stilettos she was eye to eye with him. “I want you inside me.”

  He palmed her cheeks with both of his hands then ran his thumb over her bottom lip. “I was inside you.”

  She leaned her forehead against his. “I want your cock inside of me.”

  “Well you know I like to give you what you want.” He stepped back and took off his pants and shoes. He sat on the bed and scooted back until he was in the middle of the bed. She kicked off her shoes. She almost blushed at the hungry glint in his eyes. She wasn’t sure, but she never remembered a man studying her with that glint of desire and respect in his eyes before.

  Jane got on the bed and moved to him. She straddled his lap holding herself just above his cock. She leaned over and kissed him and he placed his hands on her hips. The tips of her nipples touched his chest. The light dusting of his chest hair tickled her nipples. She held on to his shoulders as he guided her hips down until the tip of his penis touched the entrance of her pussy. She began to lower herself when he stopped her.

  “I need to get a condom on.”

  She laughed. “That horse is so out of the barn it’s not even funny.”

  He began to laugh and touched his forehead to hers. “Well I guess it is.” He guided her hips down until he was buried inside her. Jane felt so full as her muscles gripped him, she could hardly breathe. Their faces were so close their breathes mingled. She couldn’t move afraid this moment would end. She didn’t want it to.

  “Go slow,” he said as he massaged her hips.

  She clenched her muscle around him.

  His lips were on hers. “I changed my mind, I don’t want to go slow.”

  “I do. Make it last all night.” Jane sighed. She didn’t move except to clench her muscles.

  Declan gently bit her bottom lip. “Do that again.”

  She did and his head fell back and she nuzzled his neck.

  “So good,” he whispered. “So fucking good.”

  Jane smiled. “You like that?”

  Sweat was beading on his forehead. “I like everything you do to me.”

  Jane slipped her arms around his neck. There was a little space in the back of her head that wondered how long this thing between them would last. She tried to not think about it, but eventually it would end. She would miss him. Miss this. That made her sad. If she kept the baby she would always have a proof of their affair. She would always be connected to him. She would …

  Declan slipped his finger down the crack of her ass and slowly entered her ass. She relaxed and thrust herself forward on his dick feeling so full. Damn she loved this. She moved her hips on his dick and he started moving his finger inside her finding their perfect rhythm. The pressure built in her and she knew she was going to come soon. She stopped fighting her need to control their lovemaking and let the pleasure wash over. A powerful orgasm shook her.

  After the trembling stopped she found herself clinging to him feeling complete as only she was with him.

  “You know you didn’t eat your cheesecake.”

  “You didn’t come.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Give me a second to get some oxygen to my brain and I will take care of that.”

  He grabbed her around the waist and lifted them until he was on his knees. “I have something else in mind.” He laid her on the bed without breaking their contact. He was still inside her. He reached above her head and grabbed the plate of cheesecake and set it next to her head. He arranged her legs around his hips then braced his left hand by her head. Using his right hand he broke off a tip of cheesecake between his forefinger and thumb.

  “Still hungry?” He stared at her with devilish blue eyes.

  “For you.”

  He held the morsel just above her lips. “Open wide.”

  She was always good at following orders, almost as good as she was at issuing them.

  He lowered his hand until his fingers touched her lips and he let the cheesecake fall into her mouth. Then he thrust his cock hard inside her.

  The sweet creamy taste burst on her tongue and her pussy clenched around him. She grabbed the bedspread. Pleasure rippled through her entire body. Before she had time to recover he stuck his cheesecake finger into her mouth again and she sucked the cake off. He pumped into her with slow even strokes. The sweet of the cake and the salty of his skin combined to send her into overload. “So good.”

  “The cheesecake?”

  She took a shuddering breath. “You.”

  He bent over and gave her a gentle kiss. “You say the sweetest things, Layla.”

  He started to raise his head but she grabbed him and forced his head back down again until their lips almost touched. “Say it again.”

  “Layla,” he chanted over and over again as he pumped inside her again and again.

  She forced herself not to close her eyes so she could watch him watch her. She hadn’t been this connected to a man in so long she almost forgot what it felt like. With Declan it all came rushing back. And it scared her. She let go of his head and he raised up. He took another piece of cheesecake and was bringing it to her mouth, when it slipped through his fingers landing right on her nipple.

  He laughed. “My turn.”

  The cool sensation of the cake began to slip down her skin until his hot mouth closed on her nipple. Her back arched and he thrust hard inside her. She yelped.

  Then he began to gift her breasts with his lips. Nipping, licking and sucking her flesh. Dazed Jane couldn’t move as the desire crashed over.

  Declan raised his mouth way too soon.

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Stop.”

  He grinned at her and took another bit of cheesecake and plopped it on her breast. “If you insist.” Then he lavished the same seductive treatment to her other breast. “You taste better than the cheesecake.”

  So did he.

  With that said he began to move inside her hard and demanding. Jane became lost in the sensation of him inside her. He seemed to pour everything he had into her and she loved every second of it. The sweat from their bodies mingled as their skin touched. Harsh groans and the smell of sex filled her nose. She loved this with him. She could get lost in his body, his scent, his everything. Their bodies moved together and Jane just surrendered to him as she always did until her body tightened and she exploded in orgasm.

  Minutes later when she was able to catch her breath she felt him begin to move off of her and she wrapped her leg around him to keep him connected to him.

  “I’m too heavy for you.”

  “I can take you.”

  “I know.”

  “Stay with me.”

  He kissed her. “I’ve never done that before.”

  “What?”

  “Made love to a woman.”

  She snorted. “You’re no virgin.”

  “I’ve fucked a lot of women.”

  “I’m sure you have.”

  “I’ve never made love to a woman before.”

  “Never?”

  “Have you?”

  “I have never made love to a woman either.”

  His chest rumbled. “You’re so romantic.”

  “I know.”

  “I never laughed in bed with a woman either.”

  “Do you really want to talk about your romantic past right now?”

  “I never talk to my bed partners.”

  “What makes me so different?”

  “Because you’re you.”

  “It’s a good thing I signed a non-disclosure agreement.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Because I can’t tell the world how lame your pillow talk is.”

  “Possibly because I have no idea what I am doing.”

  “No sweat it was pretty romantic.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  He laughed and tightened his arms around her.

>   An hour later Jane was still awake. She listened to Declan even breathing as he slept. For about the millionth time she wondered what she got herself into. And even more importantly how she was going to get herself out of it. Or if she even wanted to.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  MALCOLM LEANED on the pillar and watched his father sitting on the beach. He’d been watching him for the last twenty minutes trying to figure out if he wanted to talk to him. They’d spent the last three days avoiding each other. Not because he didn’t want to talk to him, he didn’t know what to say. The night before Malcolm spotted Fox and his mom sitting under the cabana and Fox was crying. His mom held him. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do about this. He had spent a lot of time keeping his anger in check, but he’d never been able to make it go away. Or forget. Now adding a daughter he didn’t know about and a baby into the mix, he was totally confused.

  “Hey son.”

  Malcolm turned to find Jay standing behind him. Some of his anger cooled. “Dad.” Malcolm always considered Jay his dad and Fox was just Fox.

  Jay smiled. “How are you doing?”

  “The same as I was when Lana asked me a half an hour ago.”

  “That good huh?”

  “How am I supposed to feel?” Someone needed to let him know because all he could feel was numb.

  Jay took out a cigar and lit it. “Angry, betrayed, confused. Pick one.”

  No wonder Jay came outside, Cherry wasn’t a fan of the cigar. “How about all three and a couple more for good measure.”

  “What do you intend to do?” Jay blew a smoke ring into the air.

  He loved that trick when he was a kid. “I have no clue.”

  He didn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t finished brooding.

  “Did Mom find a sober living coach for Fox?”

  Jay grinned. “An ex-member of the Crips.”

  “Seriously?”

  Jay shrugged. “He was upfront with his past and he had client list that read like an issue of Vanity Fair. Your mother is wetting her pants.”

  He was sure his mom was planning on snagging some of those names for her stable. “Six degrees of separation.” He laughed. “Why is she getting him a coach?”

  “Not her idea. Fox is afraid to slip back into the bottle.”

  Malcolm was having a hard time caring, but he knew he had to be supportive. “Points for him.”

  “He wants to stay in New Orleans and get to know Jane.”

  Malcolm sighed. “I figured as much.”

  “You okay with that?”

  “He’s a grown man.” Sort of. He didn’t want to care, but he knew there was a part of him that did. So he would have to work on that. Maybe sometime next year.

  “He wants to win you back too.”

  Tough shit. “He tossed me away.”

  “I was glad to catch you.” He blew out a long stream of smoke.

  “You okay with this?”

  “I’m too old to be jealous and we both know I’m your favorite parent. So no.”

  “Thanks.”

  Jay looked at him strangely. “For?”

  “Catching me and my mom.”

  “My original intentions was to win you over so I could have her, but … well you were so cute.”

  That surprised him. Jay was always there for him.

  “What would you do?”

  “I would do what would cause me the least regrets.”

  “Do you have any regrets?” Jay was a bastard of an agent. You didn’t fuck him over unless you wanted to retire from the entertainment business. He ran the agency with an iron fist, but he was fair and he was loyal and he protected his clients like they were family. His mom was even worse, but they always put family first and Malcolm was lucky he was in that circle.

  “A couple, but you aren’t one of them. I couldn’t love you

  any more if you were my flesh and blood.”

  “What do you regret?”

  “I passed on Nirvana.”

  He’d never heard that. “You’re shitting me?”

  “Your mother hasn’t let me forget it.” Jay patted his shoulder. “Go talk to him. Don’t give him a chance, give yourself one.”

  Okay he could play along. He was good at that. “Thanks… Dad.” Malcolm walked down the wooden planks and sat down next to Fox. “Hey.”

  “You know there is nothing like sitting in front of the ocean to put you in your place.”

  “You need to be put in your place?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Jay was telling me you’re staying in New Orleans.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  Malcolm was surprised he asked. “I want to get to know Jane better.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For?” Did he have time for that list?

  “For Jane, you, everything. For fucking up your life.”

  “I did okay.” That at least he meant.

  “I should have been there.”

  “I’m not saying it’s okay, but now I know it wasn’t me.”

  “I’m not going to ask you to forgive me. I get that I have to earn it, but will you give me a chance.”

  The last thing he wanted was his father to start making amends again. That would be way too painful. “Let’s deal with Jane first.”

  “Do you like her?”

  He thought about that for a moment. “I like that she has Declan on the ropes. It’s like Karma has come with a vengeance.” He laughed.

  “Declan as a dad.”

  “I think he’s taking it seriously.”

  “How so?”

  “He likes her.”

  “Jane said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to keep the baby.”

  “I think she will.” He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but then again it wasn’t his choice to make.

  “What do you think about that?”

  “I think it will be good for Declan. And I like kids.”

  Fox smiled. “I’m not surprised, you have a big heart.”

  Malcolm didn’t know what to say. Was his father trying to find a place in his supposed big heart? Although he did like the idea of Declan being a father, and Jane seemed like she was strong enough to keep him in line, but what the hell did he know. “I feel like the best place for me is wait-and-see mode.”

  “One of the things they say in the program is if you’re not sure what to do, do nothing.”

  Which was really interesting. Everyday they’d been here Fox had gone to an AA meeting. He seemed serious about maintaining his sobriety, but Malcolm still couldn’t trust him. There were too many what-ifs. “I’m doing a whole lot of nothing lately.”

  “You think you’re never going to write another song don’t you?”

  “How did you know?”

  “Your mom keeps me in the loop.”

  That shouldn’t surprise him. If he were his mom he wasn’t sure he’d be all buddy with his ex, but Cherry wasn’t stupid. She had a lot of control in this situation. “Oh.”

  “I didn’t write for almost two years after Yasmeen left. For a long time everything was shit. I was rolling on my past. Maybe because I crawled in a bottle, or thought my life was over. Then grunge came along and ended my career.”

  That was sort of true. He made great money on the flashback circuit. Cherry made sure his money was safe and he was doing well financially. He wasn’t hurting at least not in the bank department. “You still got the juice.”

  “So do you.”

  Malcolm didn’t even know his dad paid attention to his career. “I can’t seem to settle down and do it.”

  “Sometimes it’s like that. I hear if you wanted you could be busy producing for the next ten years.”

  “That’s a side gig.”

  “A good producer can make bad, good. A great producer can make shit, great. You’re great. Cut yourself some slack. You’ve had a year. And things don’t look like they are getting back to normal anytime soon.”

  This was the
first time Fox had ever given him advise. He didn’t know how to take it or what to make of it. Frankly he wanted to look at the sky and see if pigs were flying. Before he could answer Fox’s phone pinged. He took it out of his pocket. Then stood. “I have to go meet my new keeper.”

  “You don’t have to get a coach.”

  “I’ve been white knuckling it the last few days.” He smiled. “I think if I’d been left alone the last few days, you would have found me upside down in a tequila bottle when you got home tomorrow.”

  Malcolm didn’t know what to say. “Okay, I’ll see you later.”

  Malcolm wasn’t sure how long he sat there watching the waves roll on to the shore. He had so much to think about. Everything had brought him to this point. He was watching his best friend fall in love. It didn’t matter that some crazy bitch had him in her sights or that he could actually die. That man was in love. With his sister.

  He wasn’t sure how Jane felt, because she played it close, but she had some feelings for Declan. He liked Jane. He didn’t want to. He should hate her. Jane’s mother leaving was the reason Fox was an ass. And the reason he could never be the man he needed him to be. Then it occurred to him, had Yasmeen never run out, he’d never had been born and Declan would never be a father. Life was complicated. It wasn’t getting any less bizarre anytime soon. Somehow some way he was going to have to make peace with the shit that was going on around him.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  AS DAY forty eight of her captivity began Jane watched the strawberries and spinach whirl around in the food processor. She was starving which didn’t surprise her, but the fact that she could barely make her usual ten mile run pissed her off. She needed to talk to her doctor again about exercise. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled. She felt someone else's presence before they made it to the kitchen. She knew it wasn’t Declan or any of the guys. They didn’t get up any time before nine and it was barely six a.m. She turned to find Cherry, Charlotte, and Jocelyn standing in the kitchen doorway. They were all in their pajamas. “Ladies.”

  “Morning Jane.” Charlotte said with a cheery smile.

  They’re going to have girl time. “You’re up early.”

  Cherry folded her arms over her chest. “We wanted to have a talk.”

  Jane wasn’t sure what to expect. “I’m sure you do.”